Wedding Night Sex and Beyond

There is a growing trend in America for couples to separate the night before the wedding. Your decision to do that is up to you and the requirements of your religious beliefs. However, a wedding is a rite of passage and most rites of passage call for an experience of separateness for the initiate. That separation can be utilized as a gift allowing us to honor our singleness that one last time before we let go of it forever.

In my opinion, the release of our singleness needs to be honored. It adds to the magic of the ceremony to be apart the night before. You go to bed alone the night before the wedding and mark the end of your existence as single. The next day on your wedding, you see beloved at the alter for the first time marking the beginning of your new life as a couple. That is to be honored.

There are some couples who put off sex until the wedding night. Those circumstances can really put the pressure on. If this is your situation and you find yourself exhausted on your wedding night, put sex off and structure a time of relaxation and rest instead. Wait until you have the time and are not rushed to catch a plane or even worse, staying in someone else’s house and feeling self conscious. Structure a time when you are able to be alone, relaxed and calm for the exploration of each other’s bodies. Take time with each other and above all else, lower you expectations.

Often, engaged couples do not look beyond the wedding day. The excitement of planning the event is overwhelming. There are so many things to plan and prepare for that all their energy is focused on one point: the wedding. The last thing that people expect to feel after their wedding is depression. Well, the post-wedding blues are not uncommon. Both men and women experience this phenomenon. It is much like the letdown we feel the day after a major holiday such as Thanksgiving or Christmas.

As a couple, you are moving at full steam ahead toward the wedding and after it is accomplished, you will probably experience a momentary pause. The glamor of the experience is now gone and you might feel a sense of disappointment. This is completely natural. You have both gone through a rite of passage where something was lost, your singleness, and something was born, you identity as a couple.

For more information on Dr. Walton’s self-help for weddings, log onto TheDrWaltonSeries.com. To watch Dr. Walton’s video on the History of Marriage log onto YouTube.com. For more information on Dr. Walton, and to obtain free audio affirmations log onto his website at LAtherapist.com.

The Wedding Night, both Straight and Gay

This writing applies to both straight and gay couples who chose to get married. Studies from UCLA's Williams Group show that these two groups are nearly identical.

On the wedding night, many newly weds place tremendous pressure upon themselves to perform sexually and we all know that pressure to perform can inhibit the performance and enjoyment of the sexual experience. If you talk to others, you will find that they were so tired that first night after the wedding from all the anxieties, hubbub, and preparations that had to be handled leading up to the wedding that they were too tire to make love that night, and just fell asleep. They just put it off until the next morning when they were rested and not pressured.

And certainly, if the man has difficulty achieving an erection that night, it is understandable. Stress and anxiety make it difficult for men to achieve and maintain erections and it has nothing to do with their desire for their partner. If your partner has difficulty achieving an erection on the wedding night, cuddle and put off sex until there is less pressure and he is rested and there is time for intimacy.

Remember, you are looking at a long term relationship. An orgasm is not the goal. The real goal is a marriage of closeness and intimacy. Don’t make an orgasm the goal. It’s too pressured. Remember, you are both going to be exhausted. You have been performing for weeks since the announcement. Do yourself a favor. Drop your performance on the wedding night. Experience the high of lying in each other’s arms and just being. There will be plenty of time for sex in the future. Be real with each other and begin building a relationship together based on love and acceptance.

Some people pressure themselves to have the best sex ever on their wedding night. It won’t be, so drop that expectation. You will be exhausted and there is a good chance you have had some alcohol. It is an unrealistic demand to place on yourself. Intimate wonderful sex develops over time and it builds as your spiritual, emotional and physical selves grow together.

It is not uncommon for one or the other to fall asleep as soon as they hit the bed on the wedding night. If this happens to you, take a deep breath, and remember that you love them. Remember the good times you have had together. Put a cover on them and lay a rose by the pillow and give them a kiss goodnight. Show them how much you love them when they awaken in the morning after the long deserved rest that you are both entitled to. It is a great metaphor for what marriage is like. You have to compromise. You don’t always get what you want, but through it all, you still love each other.

Now, before you fire off an angry email at me I want to clarify that this, in no way, should be interpreted as a suggestion that one should kowtow to the other. However, it is important for the health of the relationship that you both take care of each other. So at times, one of you may need to put aside personal desires for the good of the relationship. This give and take must go in both directions and not end up where one person is always being the accommodator to the other.

For more information on Dr. Walton’s self-help for marriage, log onto TheDrWaltonSeries.com. You can also follow his tips of the day on Twitter@LAtherapist. To watch the video of Dr. Walton’s History of Marriage log onto YouTube.com. For more information on Dr. Walton, and to obtain free audio affirmations log onto his website at LAtherapist.com.

Wedding Night Jitters and Other Common Wedding Anxieties

Let’s take a look at some of the sticky issues that are likely to appear around your wedding and how to handle them.

The first topic we will look at is commonly known as the wedding night jitters.

In today’s age, people are more sexually active in their relationships than they were in the past. It is highly likely that you have been having regular sex with your fiancé long before the wedding night. The biggest fear for the wedding night will probably not be about sex. More than likely, the biggest fear is going to be “is he or she really the right one for me?” “Have I dated him/her long enough?” “Do I really know this individual?” After all, you are about to do something that can’t be taken back, not even through divorce. If this happens, and nearly every engaged couple has experienced it, reflect back on the good times you have had together and remember why you love him. These jitters will pass.

Now, some other common anxieties you might encounter on your wedding night could involve hotel reservation mix-ups, canceled flights, and other unpleasant surprises that seem to fling themselves upon us at crucial moments. To survive this part, be flexible. View any glitches that come along as wedding survival stories to be told in the future. As they mellow with time, they may be seen as gifts to be treasured by you as you tell them over and over again. Every married couple has experience wedding survival stories, just ask them.

For more information on Dr. Walton’s self-help for weddings, log onto TheDrWaltonSeries.com. You can also follow his tips of the day on Twitter@LAtherapist. For more information on Dr. Walton, and to obtain free audio affirmations log onto his website at LAtherapist.com.
Press Release Catch Dr. Walton talking about the History of Marriage on YouTube.

The Bachelor Party - A Survival Guide

Aah the bachelor party. Two rather potent words in their own right, but when use in combination they can strike debilitating terror into the heart in the bride to be, or at the very least really annoy her.

Traditionally, in our society, it is the bachelor party and not the bachelorette party that strikes a note of discord at the heart of even the most harmonious of engagements. We can generate for ourselves so much discomfort and distress over the bachelor party that it casts a shadow over the entire wedding experience for the wife to be. However, her discord with the bachelor party is not so much the fear that her fiancé is going to have sex with someone else during the event, but rather, she feels let down that he would even want to go.

Friends can also contribute the build up of her anxiety around the party by playing up to its mythical naughtiness right in front of her. The greatest fear for women over the bachelor party comes from her fearing what his friends might have in mind for the event. The friends know this and will often play it to the hilt to get a rise out of her. Why?

Well friends, and especially single friends, are feeling some anxiety about the impending change to their relationship with your fiancé. They may not be able to identify it or put it into words, but it’s there. It’s called abandonment. Somewhere deep inside, his friends may be experiencing a sense of abandonment as he moves away from them and towards involvement in a marriage. So, they distract themselves from their own bad feelings by doing a little teasing of someone else, that being you.

A little good natured teasing around the bachelor party, in very small measure, from his friends can be expected. If you experience it, then know that his friends are experiencing some anxiousness about the impending change in their relationship with your fiancé. Their teasing around the bachelor party is an unconscious attempt to get rid of their own uncomfortable abandonment feelings, while giving some of them to you.

If they are doing it to you, then they are most likely doing it to your fiancé as well. Their allusions in front of him about the bachelor party can cause him anxiety as well. And they will tease him to unload their anxieties for the very same reasons.

Good natured taunting about the bachelor party is not intended to injure, but rather it is a way of expressing their unease without having to admit to it. After all, your friends are supposed to be happy for you when you get engaged, right? And most friends are truly happy for you, but it is also possible that way down deep inside they might be experiencing a tinge of jealousy that they don’t understand or can’t express.

So, the bachelor party and its planning becomes the safest vehicle for friends to discharge their anxieties around their feelings of abandonment while helping to reaffirm friendship bonds. It even allows those who were not chosen to be the best man to have a place in the wedding experience that is culturally accepted.

I want you to know that your feelings and fears around the bachelor party are legitimate and may need to be verbalized. If you are having difficulty over the party, let him know how you feel. If there are certain activities you find unacceptable, tell him so. Remember, the shroud of secretiveness around the party is an attempt to cause him some anxiety as well. He may actually feel the same way you do and would welcome your alliance.

Most engaged men do not relish the idea of a raucous bachelor party, however, they don’t want to look like wimp in front of their friends so they will go along with it. Bare in mind that some of the party is still out of his control. What he can control is the amount of alcohol he consumes. Men, limit your drinking. By limiting your drinking you can still enjoy the party while helping to build trust with your fiancé.

Trust is a biggest issue at stake around the bachelor party. If you feel you can’t trust your fiancé at the bachelor party, there may be seriously destructive issues underlying your relationship. If this is the case, you may want to explore these issues together with a licensed therapist before the wedding.

Many men view the bachelor party as a rite of passage among their friends. We live in a society with few remaining rites of passage, so trying to force your fiancé to refuse a bachelor party may very well cause him to feel resentment towards you. Remember, your fiancé has already pledged a commitment to you for building a life together. As silly as the party might seem to you, for him it may hold some meaning. If you decide to give your approval for his party, let go of it and do not punish him later for having attended it.

By all means, men should tell their fiancés about the plans being made for their bachelor party if they are going to have one. Be open. It’s the secretiveness that gets people into trouble. Friends like to tease the fiancé by whispering in front of her to get a reaction. Be the first to let her know about the party and talk out your feelings with each other. You can use this as an opportunity for improving the trust between the two of you.

This brings us to the point of having one last round before marriage. Most couples who have made a commitment to marry never feel that urge. They want to be married to their fiancé and have no interest in anyone else. For these people, the decision for monogamy was made back before the couple decided to get married.

Now, there are a few individuals and they tend to be men, but not always, who do desire to have one last fling before their marriage. In most cases, this desire is a symptom of panicking around a decision that will affect the rest of their life. It comes from the place that questions whether or not they are making the right decision. If you are really that frightened of marriage or are really not that sure, it’s perfectly fine to delay the wedding until a time when you are feeling more comfortable. Just knowing that the wedding can be delayed is enough for many of these panicking individuals to clear their heads to see that they are marring the right person.

However, if you are feeling compelled to have one last fling, you may have to take a look inside and honestly evaluate if you are really ready to make that commitment. Maybe this person is not the right one for you. It’s OK to not be ready and it’s better to know it before you get married.

For information on the history of marriage log onto Dr. Walton on YouTube. For more information log onto LAtherapist.com or for more information on convenient self-help downloads, or to listen to free samples, log onto the "Dr Walton Series".