Setting Boundaries with a Friend

I'm posting a Guest Post by Allison Gamble:

Setting Boundaries with a Friend

Let’s call her Lisa. Lisa was my best friend. A promiscuous version of myself. And that was alright - funny, even, with the crazy situations she found herself in - until she set her sights on my roommate. It doesn’t take a psychology degree to know that’s where it got hard.

Friends are essential in everyday life. We depend on our friends to help us in tough times and laugh with us in happy times. Unfortunately, sometimes friendships can cross a line. Finding Lisa’s black lace garters in my living room? Definitely a boundary crossed. Detailed accounts of Matt’s sexual prowess? Another boundary crossed. Lisa roaming the apartment in the sheet off his bed? I found my boundaries shrinking in around myself closer and closer as she crossed every comfortable line in the sand I’d drawn around myself. Then, when my boundaries outlined a tiny square in the center of my bed, she decided to come in one day and lay down next to me to talk. I didn’t have a roommate and a best friend anymore. I had two roommates, and no space to myself.

To paraphrase Paula Cole, where did all my boundaries go?

Tips on Setting Boundaries

•            Make strong expectations of cleanliness

•            Set specific days of the month for bills to be paid

•            Ensure clear boundaries of personal space

•            Establish a firm understanding regarding dates and visitors

Sounds easy right? Think again. If you’re anything like me, you don’t want to rock the boat. It was easy to stay quiet and let Lisa have run of the house. But in their sex-haze, Matt would leave dishes in the sink for days, and I made the mistake of washing them myself, murmuring to myself in anger at this violation of my basic rights as a bill-paying resident of this apartment.

That’s where I went wrong. When you’re setting boundaries in your relationships, the most important element is letting everyone know just where your boundaries are. I shouldn’t have assumed that Lisa knew that it wasn’t appropriate to go into my room after we had redefined our relationship. When we were friends, she had spent the night in my bed with me, happy as kittens in a basket. After we had redefined our relationship - at parties, I introduced her as “Matt’s girlfriend,” not “my friend” like I had for years - I needed to tell her that I wanted my space back, that she could go into my room when given permission, not whenever she felt like it. I should have told Matt how I felt about Lisa spending the night every night. I gave away my voice, and no one could read my mind.

One of the trickiest situations is to have a friend move into the other’s home. They can be the best of friends; however, living with each other can drastically change things. They will learn personal things that probably did not want to know about the other person, and vice versa. It will be necessary to learn to share not only the TV, bathroom, washer/dryer but also bills and household chores. It’s wise to take on a roommate as far as money goes; but a person will need to ensure that the boundaries are clearly laid before the roommate sets up housekeeping.

Of course, friends do not have to share a home or even an office space to have respectable boundaries set. Our world is filled with technology that makes most people accessible whenever or wherever we may be. Because of the technology tsunami, many friends find it difficult to set boundaries on their personal time. Maybe I would have been okay with Lisa had I not been at the ready with a cellphone whenever she texted. Or maybe not. Either way, I needed to tell her that I needed space, and eventually I did.

When I finally opened my mouth to speak up for myself, Lisa and Matt were surprised. I seemed okay with everything. Of course I did. I was repressing my feelings in favor of theirs, and I let myself be miserable when I should have spoken openly and honestly about what I needed. My relationships with both of them are slowly rebuilding. We’re not as close as we used to be, but that’s no more their fault than it is mine.

Robert Frost opined that “good fences make good neighbors.” Does it mean that we have to be uncivil about it? Not at all. It does not mean that we have to be a door mat, either. Real friends enjoy each other within the given boundaries of friendship. When both sides respect the other, they can expect a lasting relationship.        

For more information on Dr Jim log onto LAtherapist.com.  For free audio listens and other products, log onto TheDrWaltonSeries.com

   

Healing from A Divorce or Breakup

First of all, talk about your loss with people who are willing to listen.  You might even want to seek out a licensed therapist to help you through this time.  It’s important to let yourself know that you can and will make it through this time. 

Stick to your daily routines.  Continue to eat, sleep and exercise at the same times you always have.  If you don’t exercise, now could be a good time to start.  Exercise causes our bodies to release endorphins that serve to help us feel better. 

You may feel that you will never love again.  You may feel you were foolish in having trusted that individual.  You may have felt that he or she was the “right” one for you and there will never be another.  None of those thoughts is true. 

There is not just one person out there for you; there are many right people out there for you.  If someone is ultimately not with you, then they were definitely not the right person.  The only thing true about that relationship experience is that you probably learned something about yourself that you can take forward into future relationships.

It’s your thoughts that determine your happiness, not the person you’re with.  Just stay away from idealizing or demonizing the other person. 

Stay away from alcohol or drugs they will only make the recovery from your loss more difficult by adding their own required recovery time to your healing process.  They only complicate the healing process. 

Don’t block the memories, allow yourself to feel as they come up and pass.  Allow yourself to grieve and cry and spend time alone when you feel you need to. 

It’s OK to Look at pictures of the two of you and feel the pain, and cry.  But set a time limit on yourself for doing this, say to only 5 or 10 minutes.  Then when the time is up, tell yourself you are done with that for now and change your thoughts by distracting yourself with something else more interesting or pleasant.

Do not seek revenge against this person. 

Rebound relationships help you to get over the old guy/gal.  They last about 90 days.

Isolating yourself from the world does not protect yourself or identity.  You need to be in contact with others.  Allowing yourself to be vulnerable actually protects your self better, because it allows others in and they enhance and validate your experience of other. 

How you position yourself when telling others of your break up will direct the way they respond to you.  Just tell them factually about it.  And say, “This is something I needed to do for myself and I would like to have your support, and if you are not able to, then let’s not discuss it.“

To mothers tell them that you love them for raising you right to know when to protect yourself and do what you need to do.  This is not an experience of failure, but rather and experience of success in learning what is right for you. 

For more information on Dr. Jim's award-winning self-help audios with free samples, log onto www.TheDrWaltonSeries.com.  For videos and more information on handling your thoughts and feelings, and to obtain free audio affirmations, log onto his website at LAtherapist.com.   You can check out his Facebook page at www.DrJamesWalton.com 

What Does It Mean If A Child Rejects One of the Parents?

Is your child rejecting one parent? In divorce or separation, 10% to 15% of children expressed strong resistance to spending time with one of their parents, and this may be increasing in our society. It may be the father or mother. It may be the parent the child visits, or the parent where the child lives. Is this the result of abuse by the rejecting parent? Or is this the result of alienation by the favored parent? The idea that one parent can alienate a child against the other has been a big controversy in Family Court over the past 20 years, with the conclusion that there are many possible causes for this resistance. Most courts take reports of alienation very seriously and want to know if this is the result of abuse for alienating behavior. Resistance to spending time with the parent is always a serious problem. This needs to be investigated, fully understood, and treated with counseling in many cases. Otherwise, the child’s future relationship may be much more difficult.

Is this the result of abuse? The first concern of the courts is protecting the children. If there are reports of child abuse as the cause of the child alienated behavior, the judge may make a protective order restraining contact with the rejected parent, such as a temporary order for supervised visitation. If you are the rejected parent you may feel that the supervised visitation is unnecessary or insulting. Yet this may be your biggest help, as someone neutral can observe the child’s behavior and your relationship. Often the judge will say that he or she will not make any assumptions and wants more information before understanding the cause.

Is this the result of parental alienation syndrome? It is important to know that the courts across the country have not adopted the idea that there is such a syndrome. A syndrome requires a generally accepted cause-and-effect and there are many possible causes of the chill of child’s alienated behavior, up abuse by parent, alienating behavior by parent, lack of emotional boundaries by rejected parent, lack of emotional boundaries by a favored parent, developmental stage, outside influences, etc. Also, despite alienating behavior by some parents, many children are not resistant to spending time with the other parent. So it is not accepted as a syndrome. However the courts generally recognized that some children are alienated, they just don’t know the reason automatically and often want more information.

What are the signs of an alienated child? Children were not abused, but are alienated have emotionally intense feelings but vague or mirror reasons for them. A child might say, I won’t go to see my father. Yet she might struggle to find a reason he doesn’t help me with my homework. Or he dresses sloppy. Or he just makes me angry all the time. The child might say, I hate my mother yet again the reasons are vague or superficial she is too controlling she doesn’t understand my dad these children complain that they are afraid of the other parent, yet behavior shows just the opposite space–space they feel confident in blaming or rejecting a parent without any fear remorse. Some of them speak negatively of the rejected parent to others, then relaxed when they are with the rejected parent. Others run away, rather than spend time with the rejected parent. All these behaviors are generally different from those of truly abused children, who are often extra careful not to offend an abusive parent, are often hesitant to disclose abuse and often recant even though it’s true.

Why do alienated children feel so strongly?   Alienated children generally show intensely negative emotions and absence of ambivalence. New search on the brain suggests that this may be the result of the unconscious and nonverbal transference of negative emotions from parent child. The parents intense angry outbursts, even if they are rare, intense sadness and intensely negative statements about the other parent may be absorbed unconsciously by the child’s brain, without the child even realizing it. The child then develops intensely negative emotions towards the other parent, or anyone the upset parent dislikes, but doesn’t consciously know why. This may explain the vague or minor reasons given by alienated children for intensely rejecting a good parent. This spilling over of negative emotions from upset parent the child may have begun years before the divorce, so the child is very tuned into the upset parent, and automatically and instantly absorbs their motions and point of view.

Does custody make a difference? If one parent has almost all the parenting time, then the child will not have his or her own experiences with the other parent to know that he or she is not bad. Most states expect children to have substantial time with both parents except in the cases of abuse. Ironically, the amount of time is generally not the biggest factor. The biggest factor is if one parent is constantly spilling over intensely negative emotions to the child about the other parent, while the other parent is following court orders and not addressing these issues at all. For this reason, children can become alienated against either a noncustodial parent or custodial parent. This can be either the father or the mother. It’s like a bad political campaign, with one side campaigning hard and the other side not campaigning at all.

How can you prevent alienation? You might be alienating your child against the other parent or against yourself, without even being conscious of it, especially during a divorce. Here are seven suggestions:

1.    Positive comments: regularly point out positive qualities of the other parent your child

2.    Repairing comments: all parents’ magnetic negative comments about the other parent at times. If you realize you made such a comment, follow up with a repairing comment. I just spoke negatively about your father. I don’t really mean to be so negative. He has many positive qualities and I really value your friendship with him. I’m just upset and my feelings are my responsibility not his and not yours.

3.    Avoid reinforcing negative comments: healthy children say all kinds of things, positive and negative, about their parents, even about abusive parents. If there is abuse, have it investigated by reversals. If not, be careful that you’re not paying undue attention to the negative comments and ignoring their positive comments.

4.    Teach problem-solving strategies: if your child complains about the other parent’s behavior, unless it is abusive, suggest strategies for coping: honey, tell your father something nice before you ask for something difficult. Show your mother the project you did again, she might’ve been busy the first time. If you are upset, maybe you can just go to your room and try not to listen and draw a picture instead.

5.    Avoid excessive intimacy: children naturally become more independent and self aware as they grow up. Be careful not to excessively intimate with your child for the child’s age, as this may increase an unhealthy dependency on you. Examples include having the child regularly sleep with you in your bed beyond infancy, sharing adult information and decisions, and excessive sadness at exchanges or how you miss the child when he or she is at the other parents house.

6.    Avoid excessive comparisons: when you emphasize the skill or characteristic that you have, don’t place it in comparison to weakness of the other parent. You each have different skills and qualities that are important to your child. By comparing yourself positively and the other parent negatively you can inadvertently influence your child. Remember that your child is a combination of both of you, and thinking negatively of one parent to the child may think negatively about half of him or herself.

7.    Get support or counseling for yourself: it is impossible to go through a divorce without getting upset some time. Protect your child from as much as possible by sharing your upset feelings with adult friends and family, away from your child. Get counseling to cope with the stress you are under.

Article Author:  Bill Eddy, JD, LCSW, and Mediator
www.highconflictinstitute.com

For more information on 
Divorce Mediation and Collaborative Divorce, 

log onto JourneyOfTwoHearts.com. For more information on healing a broken heart or overcoming grief, log onto TheDrWaltonSeries.com.

 

In-laws, Stepchildren and Other New Marital Delights

It has been said that marriage is the process of finding out what kind of person your mother-in-law would have preferred so this writing is devoted to assist you in handling difficult situations that could arise with relatives around the wedding. 

First and foremost, when dealing with your future in-laws, remember to be polite.  Engage respectfully using please and thank you, even if you are not accustomed to doing so.  Remembering these niceties will help you to score big points with your future in-laws and may also help to smooth away the inevitable bumps in the road as the family constellation changes through the marriage.

In most cases, in-law relationships are more or less harmonious.  However, if you are feeling a little uncomfortable with your prospective in-laws, you might benefit by making a concerted effort to get to know them.  You might find it helpful to invite them to join you one on one in a pleasant activity that will allow for conversation such as going out for coffee together, or shopping.  Cooperating with each other during a constructive activity such as preparing a meal together or doing some house chores together can build a history of positive interpersonal experiences between the two of you that will form the basis of pleasant memories together.  It takes more than time for love and respect to build between a spouse and an in-law.  It takes a collection of positive togetherness experiences. 

If you cannot think of an activity, offer to assist them with a task or project they are working on.  Choose one that will allow you to spend time together and engage in conversation.  If you run out of ideas on what to talk about, you can always ask them questions about themselves.  I can assure you, that most people find talking about themselves an endlessly fascinating topic. 

It can be difficult for parents to let go of their children and see them leave home.  Sometimes, this means that one or both parents have difficulty respecting the boundary of the newly formed bond between a husband and wife to be.  They may interfere in the relationship in a bid to not lose their beloved child to the new spouse.  Their interference may be a bid at attempting to control their own feelings of what they perceive as their child’s abandonment of them.  It is important for the survival of your relationship to draw a boundary around your relationship as a couple and to insist that it be respected. 

If this becomes the case, you will need to speak to your parents.  It is the responsibility of the spouse whose parents are intruding to speak to them.  If it is your parents, put the onus on yourself and not your partner and politely set some limits with them.  Be polite, but firm.  You may also find it helpful to ask them what the situation was like for them when they were married.  In the course of the discussion they may find that their behavior with you relates back to their own marriage experience.  It could be a healing experience for you both. 

Sometimes, difficulties arise from family members due to a mixed faith marriage.  If this happens to you, approach the topic directly with your family.  Again, be polite but firm.  Difficulties arise when families fear the loss of their beloved family member.  Reassure your family that you are still the same person you have always been and that you will continue to value your own beliefs and that you respect their beliefs and will continue to respect their beliefs even after marriage.   If they continue to frown on your decision, you can just agree to disagree on that issue.  Remember, this marriage is not about them.  It’s about you.  You may have to remind them and yourself of that fact. 

Nothing can be worse at a wedding than when relatives are fighting with each other.  Once again, you may want to remind them that this wedding is not about them, it’s about you.  Ask them to put aside their differences for one day and to cooperate with you on your wedding.  You don’t need to fix it for them.  Just ask them to cooperate with you and put their focus away from each other and onto your event for just one day. 

It can be very trying having to deal with all the wedding plans while handling arguing relatives at the same time.  This kind of stress can cause tensions to rise between the engaged couple.  If this happens to you, then you need to take a break from dealing with the wedding plans.  Give yourselves some time together where you are not dealing with the wedding in any manner.  Go out and do something fun together.  There will be plenty of time to work on the wedding later.

In fact, it’s a good idea to have a date night with each other once a week through the process leading up to the wedding.  This would be one night a week where you do something enjoyable together that has nothing to do with planning the wedding.

And since communication is so important, after you are married, I suggest you continue the practice of date night even after you are married. 

If this is a second marriage, and children are involved, understand that the welfare of the children comes first over the new spouse.  Children may fear the loss of their parent to the new spouse and act out in ways for attention.  This is to be expected.  Reassure them that they will be as important to you after you are remarried as they are to you right now. 

To improve the likelihood of family cohesiveness and harmony after the wedding, it is important for your fiancé to begin to develop a one on one relationship with each of the children before the wedding.  Invite him or her to spend some alone time with each child doing some activity that the child find enjoyable.  Doing this, your fiancé will begin to build a history of positive interaction with each child.  If they are old enough, include the children in the ceremony in some way. 

After all, the new spouse is marring more than you.  He or she is marring into a family.  The children’s inclusion in the ceremony will reassure them of their place and importance in the family which may be threatened by the entrance of a new spouse.

Some men have difficulty understanding that the children come first and he comes second, and that it will continue that way even after marriage.  This is just the way is it and should be.  He needs to clearly understand this before the wedding.  If he is not willing to go along with that, then you might need to re-consider your wedding plans.  Whether it is an intact or blended family, the best interest of the children always comes first.

Along with the great joy that a wedding and all its preparation can bring, it can also be a time of sorrow when a beloved parent is absent for the celebration due to their untimely passing.   For individuals going through such an experience it is perfectly normal to feel some sorrow while in the midst of their great joy.  Under these circumstances, it is healthy to hold onto both the feelings of joy and sorrow at the same time.  For these individuals, their wedding can be bitter sweet.  If this is your situation, you may find it helpful to speak with your beloved fiancé about your feelings.  Talking out your feelings of sadness over the parent’s absence may actually help to bring you both closer.  Give your sadness a place, but don’t let it take over the wedding.  As you give yourself permission to feel the sadness, give yourself permission to also feel the joy of this wonderful experience that you so richly deserve.  Remember, this day is about you and your partner.

As a way of easing some of the feelings of sorrow and helplessness under these circumstances, it may be helpful to write a loving letter to the absent parent introducing your partner.  In your letter, express your love for both the absent parent and your fiancé.  Include what you would like the parent to know about the person you are marring.  Let the parent know what you have learned from him or her and how you carry that with you in your new life.  Let them know that you will always love them and that they will always be with you in your heart. Also, let them know, in your letter, what you will tell your children about them.

        

Then, if it is conducive with your religious beliefs, you may choose to symbolically invite them to the wedding by reserving a place for them at the ceremony.  They will be right there with you.  You may share your letter with your partner if you choose.  That is up to you.  After the wedding, you may choose to burn the letter or store it away along with the other mementos that you save from the wedding.  Again, it is up to you how it is handled. 

This exercise is an honoring of the deceased relative and in the honoring of that individual; you have honored your relationship with them and by doing so, you have included them in your wedding experience.  This exercise is not limited to a deceased parent.  It may be used for working through feelings with any individual whose absence has left a void in your special day. 

For more information on Dr. Jim and free couple's communication information, affirmations and downloads, log onto his website at www.LAtherapist.com.  You may also log onto his award-winning self-help audio site at www.TheDrWaltonSeries.com   For Information on Dr. Walton's Divorce Mediation and Collaborative Practice, log onto www.JourneyOfTwoHearts.com

 

Forgiveness: A Call to Sacrifice

All of the people and things around us serve as mirrors for ourselves.  Nothing can cause us to feel something we are unwilling to feel.  The feeling we feel towards someone must originate within ourselves.  No one, outside of ourselves, can control our thoughts or feelings.  We are the source of our feelings, we are the source of our fears, we are the source of our hurts and we are the source of our forgiveness. 

Within relationship to another is found the projection of our own internal, unsettled conflicts.  It is through the forgiveness of that other, that we resolve our own internal discords.  Others serve as a mirror to our own soul.

The exercise of forgiving others is an exercise in forgiving ourselves.  Forgiveness unchains the unyielding heart for the freedom to live and love again. 

The nature of forgiveness regenerates life.  Forgiveness is not found in judgment, it is found in acceptance.  Through acceptance, the workings of struggle are released.  That which is unnecessary is released.  That which is wisdom is incorporated. 

Forgiveness allows change, for after forgiveness, nothing remains as it was but is moved forward towards wisdom.  For wisdom is knowledge without bitterness.

Forgiveness is a call to sacrifice.  We sacrifice that which we wish could have been for seeing the sacredness of what is now.  In sacrifice, we are called into the realm of the sacred.  We have the opportunity to acknowledge the sacredness of our relationship with another.  Life calls us to take an extra step into deeper understanding of who we are through our relationship with another.  These are the experiences that add value and depth to our lives. 

As with all true sacrifice, it comes from a place of selflessness, carrying a gift in the form of connectedness to life.  In those moments of connectedness, we feel our connection to God, the Universe and Life.  That connectedness is the only currency of value that exists. 

Recognizing this value brings its own reward:  a deeper understanding of ourselves adding to our sense of aliveness.  The sacrifice of forgiveness allows us to experience our connectedness to that love.  There is love in everything, but our connection to it is a choice. 

For more information on Dr. Jim and free affirmations and downloads, log onto his website at www.LAtherapist.com.  You may also log onto his award-winning self-help audio site at www.TheDrWaltonSeries.com

How To Make Friends... Even if You're Not Sure How

We’ve all heard the adage, to have a friend you first have to be a friend.  This is absolutely true, but what does that mean?  Often, we don’t know what it means to be a friend.  Most people made friends easily when they were young.  They went to school and mixed with a lot of people their own age five days a week.  Many, went on to after school activities and met and related to even more people.  Most people made at least one friend given these circumstances. 

As we grow older and leave school, we have far fewer opportunities to make friends.  When we leave the highly social structure of the school environment for the work environment we find ourselves increasingly more isolated.  We get up, go to work, come home, feed the dog or cat and go to bed exhausted.  Not much time or energy left to devote to making friends.  The longer we continue on this path the more accustomed to this routine we become and the more isolated we become.  If we don’t devote some energy into making friends, we will find ourselves alone. 

I tell my patients that there are seven pillars that hold up a good friendship.  Those are respect for one another, acceptance of the other, non-criticism, listening, being emotionally present, support for the other’s goals, and our accepting their influence. 

When making friends remember to relax, smile and make eye contact.  When you smile at someone, they have a reflex response to smile back.  If you don’t believe me, try it out on a stranger.  They average person will have a reflex response to smile back.  It started when you were a baby and continues to serve you today.  

Introduce yourself to people and then initiate that you get together.  Go out for coffee or lunch.  Find out what interests them and ask them questions about it.  Explore to see if you can find some common interests.  Keep the conversations light and cheery.  Stay clear of heavier more emotionally charged topics like politics and religion for the time being. 

Where might you meet new potential friends?  Join organizations that you have interest in, join a sports team, join a choir or dinner club.  There are also activity clubs such as hiking or camping clubs.  Join Facebook or Twitter.  Even Match.com has a section for just making friends. 

There are many things you can do to make new friends.  But the most important thing you have to do is to take some action.   Get off the couch and become more active in circulating with other people.  Making friends is like riding a bike.  You may be a little rusty, but once you’ve learned how, you never forget.  That reminds me, biking clubs are a good way to make new friends too!

Join in on my Facebook at www.DrJamesWalton.com.  For free affirmations and self-help info log onto Free Affirmations

The Company You Keep

This was sent to me by someone whom I consider a true friend.  I found it's words  both insightful and inspiring and wanted to share it with my readers.
 

THE COMPANY YOU KEEP

(Anonymous)

IT IS BETTER TO BE ALONE, THAN IN THE WRONG COMPANY

                Tell me who your best friends are, and I will tell you who you are. If you run with wolves, you will learn to howl. But, if you associate with eagles, you will learn how to soar to great heights. “A mirror reflects a man’s face, but what he is really like is shown by the kind of friends he chooses.” The simple but true fact of life is that you become like those with whom you closely associate --- for the good and the bad.

            The less you associate with some people, the more your life will improve. Any time you tolerate mediocrity in others, it increases your mediocrity. An important attribute in successful people is their impatience with negative thinking and negative acting people. As you grow, your associates will change. You will make new friends. Some of your friends will not want you to go on. They will want you to stay where they are. Friends that don’t help you climb will want you to crawl. Your friends will stretch your vision or choke your dreams. Those that don’t increase you will eventually decrease you. 

Consider this:

·         Never receive counsel from unproductive people.

·         Never discuss your problems with someone incapable of contributing to the solution, because those who never succeed themselves are always the first to tell you how. Not everyone has a right to speak into your life. You are certain to get the worst of the bargain when you exchange ideas with the wrong person.

·         Don’t follow anyone who’s not going anywhere. Remember, with some people you spend an evening, with other you invest it.

·         If you ask someone who is going nowhere fast where to go or what to do, guess where you will be going ---nowhere, and guess what you will be doing---nothing.

·         Be careful where you stop to inquire for directions along the road of life.

·         Wise is the person who fortifies his life with the right friendships. It is said that a true friend is a second self, someone who wants as much for you as they do for themselves.                                                                                                                                                                                                         

·         Remember everybody is not your friend and that’s OK. Recognize them for what they are and move on.  They become somebody you just know. Associate yourself with people who are doing good things, positive things, the right things!

"Love Pounds": Why Do We Gain Weight with New Loves?

There are actual studies that show that when we are optimistic, it strengthens our immune system.  When our immune systems are strong, we have less inclination to crave unhealthy foods.  There is a very strong link between our mind, mood and body.  When we finally fall in love, we are completely optimistic about our world.  It brings us incredible joy.  Joy is the emotion we are least willing to let go of and it is an emotion that has been clinically shown to boost our immune system.  You would think that with a booted immune system your healthier body wouldn’t gain weight. 

Food is used in all cultures as a part of celebration.  It is part of an erotic and soothing experience and it enhances or feeling of joy.   Because we want to hold onto the feeling of joy we may sometimes gain some weight after coupling with another because we traditionally include food as part of the love/coupling process.  Generally, we gain a couple of pounds and nothing very serious.  Food is a part of our celebratory process and the sharing of food contributes to our feelings of love, safety and caring.  After the initial rush of the relationship, we may find ourselves returning to the gym and working together to take those few extra pounds off.

We tend to overeat in an obsessively unhealthy way to sooth the feelings of emptiness that come from being lonely.  When we fall in love, that emptiness disappears, maybe temporarily, or maybe for good.  But when it disappears, so does our impulse to obsessively eat comfort foods.  When we fall in love, we find ourselves more self-accepting.  We feel a greater sense of satisfaction through the loving eyes of another and that allows us to treat ourselves, and our bodies, with more love and respect.  This releases us from the pains of yo-yo dieting which is so disrespectful and damaging to the body.  When we are truly in love, we may actually glimpse ourselves as being loveable and worthy of love.  This does make us more accepting our bodies and ourselves, as well as, accepting of others.  As a result, we treat our bodies and ourselves better.

In general, people live longer who are involved in a committed relationship.  This is also true of people who have beloved pets.  In a couple, people look out for each other.  They remind each other to take their medication, get enough sleep, eat better diets, etc.  As a result, people in coupled relationships are healthier although they may not be as slender as they would like.

We can certainly turn any good thing into something that works against us.  It is more typical of men than women to become so comfortable in their relationship that they stop paying as much attention to their physical appearance as their female spouse.   Men are more visually stimulated and women are more emotionally stimulated.  Given that scenario, men do have a tendency to “let themselves go” some after marriage.  This is not so true for women.  Certainly there are women who seriously gain weight after marriage but that might have more to do with depression, self-loathing and loneliness than it has to do with being comfortable in the relationship. 

If somebody became so comfortable in a relationship that it led to health concerns, there would be another serious issue going on in the background.  When we are in love, we want to take care of ourselves, as well as, the object of our love and we dance a tricky balance between celebrating our love through food and wrestling with those few extra “love” pounds. 

For more information on Dr. Jim's self-help audios with free samples, log onto www.TheDrWaltonSeries.com.  For videos and more information on Dr. Jim, and to obtain free audio affirmations, log onto his website at LAtherapist.com.   You can check out his weight loss page on Facebook at Ultimate Weight Loss.

Testimony

Testimony

(for my daughters)

I want to tell you that the world
is still beautiful.
I tell you that despite
children raped on city streets,
shot down in school rooms,
despite the slow poisons seeping
from old and hidden sins
into our air, soil, water,
despite the thinning film
that encloses our aching world.
Despite my own terror and despair.
 
I want you to know that spring
is no small thing, that
the tender grasses curling
like a baby's fine hairs around
your fingers are a recurring
miracle. I want to tell you
that the river rocks shine
like God, that the crisp
voices of the orange and gold
October leaves are laughing at death,
 
I want to remind you to look
beneath the grass, to note
the fragile hieroglyphs
of ant, snail, beetle. I want
you to understand that you
are no more and no less necessary
than the brown recluse, the ruby-
throated hummingbird, the humpback
whale, the profligate mimosa.
I want to say, like Neruda,
that I am waiting for
"a great and common tenderness",
that I still believe
we are capable of attention,
that anyone who notices the world
must want to save it.

~ Rebecca Baggett ~


(Women's Uncommon Prayers)

Learn How Men and Women React Differently to a Break Up and What You Can Do to Heal.

Men have more difficulty handling their emotions than women.  Simply because men have been trained to be more independent so they have developed fewer skills at handling their emotions.  They become emotionally overwhelmed more easily and demonstrate it by shutting off emotionally and withdrawing, going into denial or becoming workaholics.  All of this is a bid to cut themselves off from those overwhelming feelings of hurt and pain. 

In the process, those feelings lie dormant and are actually never healed.  When we don’t heal those feelings, we don’t allow ourselves to fall in love again and we miss out on one of the most rewarding, healing and satisfying experiences in our lives that of falling in love again.

The secret that women use in handling their feelings is that women are able to think and feel at the same time.  As a result, women will express their emotions more.  They are better able to verbalize what they are feeling.  By verbalizing their feelings, they are able to come to a healing resolution more quickly than men.

Men, on the other hand, are either in thinking mode or feeling mode.  When men are in pain from a break up, they go right into feeling mode and become overwhelmed with those feelings resulting in shut down, paralysis, withdraw or angry bitterness.  Men cannot make good decisions for themselves or anyone else under those conditions.

Whether you are a woman or a man, it’s important to acknowledge that you are going through a crisis and be more compassionate and gentle with yourself.  Remove any blame you may be putting on yourself for anything you may have done to contribute to the break up or for trusting or having been vulnerable to your ex.  It’s important to be able to trust and experience vulnerability.  Its part of being in a relationship and it allows us to experience closeness with another. 

For more information on handling your thoughts and feelings, join Dr. Jim's Facebook Page at DrJamesWalton.com.  Click the link to listen to a free sample of Dr. Jim’s Healing A Broken Heart.

You Can Move On From The Hurt of A Break Up…. Here’s How

When we experience a relationship break up, it can be extraordinarily painful, especially if we were the one who was left.  We may be tempted to blame the one who left us for all of our heartache and pain.  We say that they “made” us feel pain by leaving us.  Then, we emotionally beat ourselves up even more.

In reality, we are the only ones who control our thoughts, feelings and emotions.  Whenever we give our power away by allowing others to determine how we feel about ourselves, we increase the pain of our heartache.  When you stop judging yourself, or second guessing what you should have done, your feelings of rejection and self-recrimination will soften.  You can view your ex as having said no to the relationship, but not to you as a person.

All relationships have a beginning, middle and end.  With every hello, there is an implied good bye.  Most relationships are meant to end.  Holding onto them beyond their life span can be very destructive to our own lives and cause us to miss other opportunities that would be more rewarding and possibly more satisfying than the relationship that just ended. 

Don’t follow, spy on, or call the other person.  This only keeps you attached in a very unhealthy way and makes it much more difficult to let go of your hurt and angry feelings.  Resist the urge to try and make your ex understand your hurt feelings or try to get them to see your point of view.  This will only lead to more frustration and feelings of betrayal.  Of course, do not harm yourself in a bid to get them to come back.  Doing so never gets them to come back. 

It helps to throw yourself into an activity or project that you love doing.  While you are doing that activity you love you are processing your painful feelings and this can contribute greatly to the healing of those feelings. 

Keep in mind that relationships are more about personal and emotional growth; happiness is only a byproduct of the experience.   Our conscious minds seek having a good time through a relationship; our unconscious mind is seeking to grow through a relationship.

We ourselves are responsible for our own happiness.  It is our thoughts, and how we choose to interpret them, that affect our feelings about our world and ourselves.  What we think affects how we feel. 

Focusing on negative thoughts or obsessively blaming your ex will keep you mentally and emotionally trapped in the relationship. 

This kind of behavior will only increase the odds of you repeating the same situation with another individual.  Realize that you willingly participated in that relationship with all of its deceptions and mistruths.  Now, you’re participating in the pain of the break up.  You can’t bring your ex back, but you can change the relationship you are now having with the pain.

There are no victims in a consensual relationship, only volunteers.  Blaming yourself or your ex is useless in healing from the pain of a breakup.  There were choices made by both of you that led to the resulting breakup.  You also both made decisions that you thought were best at the time.  

Those choices are now in the past.  Nothing can change that.  However, you may have learned some lessons from your experience and now is the time to look back over those lessons and learn from the mistakes that were made.  Realizing that you have learned something will give meaning to the experience you are going through.  Release yourself and your ex from any blame, and then give yourself permission to move on.

For more free information on handling your thoughts and feelings, log onto www.DrJamesWalton.com  For self-help downloads, log onto www.TheDrWaltonSeries.com

Fear: Wandering in A Desert of The Soul… Here Is a Road Map Out!

Consider the passage in the Bible depicting the liberation of the Jewish slaves from captivity in ancient Egypt in Exodus 12: 35-36. The Israelites wandered for forty years in the desert. Forty years represented a lifetime in the scriptures.  After they had left Egypt and found themselves in the desert, they expressed, “Would that we had died…as we sat by our fleshpots and ate our fill of bread! But you [Moses] had to lead us into this desert to make the whole community die of famine!” [Exodus 16:3]

How do we deal with fear? The Roman Senator Cicero stated, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” The Book of Numbers contains a fascinating treatment of this spiritual dilemma.

Why have you brought us up from Egypt to die in this desert, where there is no food or water? We are disgusted with this wretched food! In punishment the Lord sent among the people seraph serpents, which bit the people so that many of them died. … Make a seraph and mount it on a pole, and if anyone who has been bitten looks at it, he will recover.” [Numbers 21:5-8]

This ancient text contains within it the answer for overcoming fear.  The story of the seraph serpents was probably not an actual situation that occurred in history, but rather a parable with a metaphor of wisdom for dealing with the unknown and fear.  The people were instructed to look upon the staff with the serpent.  The serpent was the thing that they most feared in the moment.  By looking upon that which they most feared, they were healed of their affliction.  We will all be stricken with fear on life’s journey. It is only when we confront (look upon) what we most fear, that we are healed.

By facing our fears, we are healed from the poison they inject into our lives.  To face our fears, in our world, means to refrain from going into denial.  We accept the situation as it is.  We are then called to take some form of action.  Taking action, any action, no matter how small, will help to absorb some of the anxiety surrounding our fears. 

Pray (meditate) everyday.  Write down three things you are grateful for everyday.  Take one action that directly addresses that fear everyday.

This means facing our personal fears, and by doing so, we are healed and brought out from wandering in that desert of our fears.

For more information on Dr. Jim, log onto www.DrJamesWalton.com

6 Essential Stages for Healing from A Break Up: You Can Heal!

The person, who has decided to end the relationship, has probably already passed through the stages of heartache before they announced their decision.  Generally, it seems easier for the one who is doing the leaving, although this may not always be the case.  Frequently, the one doing the leaving has had to wrestle with a combination of grief and guilt.  The decision to call off a relationship is never easy and if there has been a true connection, it is quite painful for the one doing the leaving as well.

If you are the one who was left, this is an agonizing position to be in.  For many people, it is worse than a death, because with death, it’s final and there’s no hope of negotiating a return. 

When we’re left, we have to deal with the pain of rejection along with the pain of loss.

There are several stages you can expect yourself to go through in processing your feelings from a broken heart. 

They more or less go in this general order:

Shock

Pleading

Anger

Sadness        

Acceptance

Forgiveness

The first is Shock.  When we first hear the news that the relationship is over, we are usually in complete shock.  We become vulnerable to our feelings.  In shock, we feel as if our world has been turned on its head.  We are not capable of making clear decisions.  We feel a sense of being vulnerable and lost.  It may even be very difficult for us to even make sense of what is happening.  We break down, we cry.  Men tend to explode outward in their reaction to shock.  Women tend to implode, go internal and blame themselves. 

We then proceed to the next stage, which is pleading.  In pleading, it’s our attempt to restore order to our world by attempting to restore the relationship.  In pleading, we may beg the other to return so that our world can return to normal.  We may make offers to change ourselves or throw out grand gestures of compromise that here-to-for had been withheld, in order to call the other back into the relationship and ease our aching heart.  If you come back, I’ll change.  In reality, these overtures rarely last if they are even made at all. 

In most cases, the pleading makes us look desperate and weak in the eyes of the other person and does the exact opposite of the desired effect and pushes them away ever farther.  We are left feeling empty, hollow and in agony.

We then proceed to the next stage, which is anger.  It is a natural and healthy progression, but the anger is really a defense against the depression and helplessness we feel from the disconnect with our ex.  In our anger, we feel like striking out.  This is the time when many people will go into some kind of destructive action that ultimately does not serve them.  They will tear up photos; destroy the ex’s property, or spread vicious rumors around about them. 

The anger comes from a place of helplessness from our loss.  We feel that we are a victim of our ex and we use anger as a way of trying to recapture some of the power that we feel they’ve taken from us through ending the relationship.  It’s a way of desperately trying to balance out our sense of powerlessness.  The anger gives us something new to believe in when the belief in the relationship has been taken away.  It gives us new strength and new structure at a time when we feel weak and loss of structure.  This is especially true if we derived our sense of identity from our ex.  The break up has now taken that identity away so the anger temporarily rushes in to give us a new identity.

We may need to remain in our anger for a while.  Anger over the breakup can be helpful in neutralizing any loving feelings that you once felt toward your ex.  You may want to get in touch with the anger you feel towards this person.  It’s OK to hold onto those feelings for a while, as long as; you don’t act those feelings out with hostility towards the other person or yourself.  Anger can be a part of the letting go process.  Again, you are the one who is in control of your anger.  You create your anger and you are the one who can let it go.  No one else is responsible for your anger but yourself. 

It’s OK to have fantasies of “acting out” against our ex as long as we don’t actually act it out in real life.  Over time, anger helps to break the love feelings we felt towards our ex. 

Do not seek revenge.  It’s OK to fantasize about it, but it is not OK to act it out.  Angry behavior such as hitting things, yelling or screaming only leads to amping up the drive for more angry behavior.  Don’t do it. 

Underneath our anger resides sadness and it comes next in the stages of healing heartache.  Remember, anger is often an attempt to not feel the sadness of the disconnect with your ex.  The experience of sadness moves us into the present and allows us to experience what is.  The sadness is a time of reflection and slowing down.  It is the slowing down process of sadness that allows us to adapt to the new reality of our life.  The sadness cooks and reshapes us from within. 

Experiencing the sadness is an important part of recovering from a breakup.  It causes us to stop and re-examine our lives.  We slow down and process.  The sadness brings a gift.  It allows us to view the world from a different perspective giving us a wider and wiser view of life.  It also gives us some perspective on how deeply we loved and are capable of loving. 

Acceptance occurs when we’re finally able to release the sadness.  We stop fighting what is and allow it to be.  It does not mean that we like the new order of things, but we stop fighting it.  We accept the change.  Things will never be the same and we revise ourselves and our future.  It is a time when we are able to have a vision of the future with our ex no longer in it.  It is the time when we withdraw our energy and expectations from the relationship we had with our ex and are ready to begin opening ourselves up to new relationships and connections with others.  We find ourselves opening back up to life and beginning to live again. 

Part of the healing process is learning something from the experience you just went through.  We come to acceptance more easily when we realize that along with our loss, we have also gained something, we have gained experience, wisdom and a better understanding of our wants and needs. 

To do this, ask yourself:

·      How are you different now from the way you were before you met you ex? 

·      What have you learned from your experience with them? 

·      What lessons have you learned for living the rest of your life? 

·      Have you changed what it is you want out of a relationship?

·      If you’re your best friend just had this experience, what advice would you give them?

Search yourself to find out how you’re different now from having known your ex. 

When you’re able to see that you have received some gifts from the relationship, it makes it easier to let go of the past moving you significantly closer to a true and authentic experience of forgiveness of yourself and the other.  

For more information on Dr. Jim, log onto his website at LAtherapist.com