7 Steps to Quickly Assess for A New Friend or Mate

In this fast paced world, we don’t always have the luxury of time when it comes to deciding whether or not we want to invest into getting to know someone.  All too often, we meet people at work or at gatherings for brief periods and may be missing real opportunities for a good friend or love relationship because we didn’t dig a little deeper.  We can all use some help when it comes to making a decision on whether or not we should look more closely at the possibility of a relationship.  Here are seven time saving steps to look into when meeting a new potential friend or mate.     

      1.  Can you talk easily with this person about a variety of topics?  Introverts have more difficulty with this task so they might be forgiven for this.  

     2.  Does this individual ask you questions about yourself and show interest in your responses?  This shows interest in you as a person and bodes well for future encounters.  

     3.  Does this person have an aspiration that he/she is actively pursuing?  Just talking about a goal does not count here.  They must be making some kind of progress on achieving what they desire.  Are there any signs that their actions or abilities are in conflict with actually achieving the stated goal?  

     4.  What are his/her first thoughts when they wake up in the morning? People will often think about those things that are important to them when they are waking up.  But, the mood they awaken with is an indication of their temperament.    

     5.  Will this person help a stranger?  This indicates their sense if civic duty, as well as, their ability to respond empathically with others.  Without empathy, they are never going to connect with you in a meaningful way.  Now, a narcissist might help out a stranger as well, but only if it bolsters his public image.  You can suss out a narcissist through questions 2 and 6 if they slip through this question.  

     6.  Can she/he discuss an embarrassing moment with you?  If not, then they are not willing to be vulnerable and are more interested in creating an image for your consumption rather than being a real human being with you.  They may actually expect the same from you too.    

     7.  Are they genuinely happy for a friend who is successful? This is important because envious and negative people have a difficult time doing this.  They view another's good fortune as it relates to themselves, against which they do or don’t measure up. These are the kind of people who have the potential to sabotage another in defense of their own inferiority feelings.                                                                                                                    For more information on Dr. Jim log onto his website at www.LAtherapist.com.  For free listens and self-help audios log onto www.TheDrWaltonSeries.com.

Setting Boundaries with a Friend

I'm posting a Guest Post by Allison Gamble:

Setting Boundaries with a Friend

Let’s call her Lisa. Lisa was my best friend. A promiscuous version of myself. And that was alright - funny, even, with the crazy situations she found herself in - until she set her sights on my roommate. It doesn’t take a psychology degree to know that’s where it got hard.

Friends are essential in everyday life. We depend on our friends to help us in tough times and laugh with us in happy times. Unfortunately, sometimes friendships can cross a line. Finding Lisa’s black lace garters in my living room? Definitely a boundary crossed. Detailed accounts of Matt’s sexual prowess? Another boundary crossed. Lisa roaming the apartment in the sheet off his bed? I found my boundaries shrinking in around myself closer and closer as she crossed every comfortable line in the sand I’d drawn around myself. Then, when my boundaries outlined a tiny square in the center of my bed, she decided to come in one day and lay down next to me to talk. I didn’t have a roommate and a best friend anymore. I had two roommates, and no space to myself.

To paraphrase Paula Cole, where did all my boundaries go?

Tips on Setting Boundaries

•            Make strong expectations of cleanliness

•            Set specific days of the month for bills to be paid

•            Ensure clear boundaries of personal space

•            Establish a firm understanding regarding dates and visitors

Sounds easy right? Think again. If you’re anything like me, you don’t want to rock the boat. It was easy to stay quiet and let Lisa have run of the house. But in their sex-haze, Matt would leave dishes in the sink for days, and I made the mistake of washing them myself, murmuring to myself in anger at this violation of my basic rights as a bill-paying resident of this apartment.

That’s where I went wrong. When you’re setting boundaries in your relationships, the most important element is letting everyone know just where your boundaries are. I shouldn’t have assumed that Lisa knew that it wasn’t appropriate to go into my room after we had redefined our relationship. When we were friends, she had spent the night in my bed with me, happy as kittens in a basket. After we had redefined our relationship - at parties, I introduced her as “Matt’s girlfriend,” not “my friend” like I had for years - I needed to tell her that I wanted my space back, that she could go into my room when given permission, not whenever she felt like it. I should have told Matt how I felt about Lisa spending the night every night. I gave away my voice, and no one could read my mind.

One of the trickiest situations is to have a friend move into the other’s home. They can be the best of friends; however, living with each other can drastically change things. They will learn personal things that probably did not want to know about the other person, and vice versa. It will be necessary to learn to share not only the TV, bathroom, washer/dryer but also bills and household chores. It’s wise to take on a roommate as far as money goes; but a person will need to ensure that the boundaries are clearly laid before the roommate sets up housekeeping.

Of course, friends do not have to share a home or even an office space to have respectable boundaries set. Our world is filled with technology that makes most people accessible whenever or wherever we may be. Because of the technology tsunami, many friends find it difficult to set boundaries on their personal time. Maybe I would have been okay with Lisa had I not been at the ready with a cellphone whenever she texted. Or maybe not. Either way, I needed to tell her that I needed space, and eventually I did.

When I finally opened my mouth to speak up for myself, Lisa and Matt were surprised. I seemed okay with everything. Of course I did. I was repressing my feelings in favor of theirs, and I let myself be miserable when I should have spoken openly and honestly about what I needed. My relationships with both of them are slowly rebuilding. We’re not as close as we used to be, but that’s no more their fault than it is mine.

Robert Frost opined that “good fences make good neighbors.” Does it mean that we have to be uncivil about it? Not at all. It does not mean that we have to be a door mat, either. Real friends enjoy each other within the given boundaries of friendship. When both sides respect the other, they can expect a lasting relationship.        

For more information on Dr Jim log onto LAtherapist.com.  For free audio listens and other products, log onto TheDrWaltonSeries.com

   

How To Make Friends... Even if You're Not Sure How

We’ve all heard the adage, to have a friend you first have to be a friend.  This is absolutely true, but what does that mean?  Often, we don’t know what it means to be a friend.  Most people made friends easily when they were young.  They went to school and mixed with a lot of people their own age five days a week.  Many, went on to after school activities and met and related to even more people.  Most people made at least one friend given these circumstances. 

As we grow older and leave school, we have far fewer opportunities to make friends.  When we leave the highly social structure of the school environment for the work environment we find ourselves increasingly more isolated.  We get up, go to work, come home, feed the dog or cat and go to bed exhausted.  Not much time or energy left to devote to making friends.  The longer we continue on this path the more accustomed to this routine we become and the more isolated we become.  If we don’t devote some energy into making friends, we will find ourselves alone. 

I tell my patients that there are seven pillars that hold up a good friendship.  Those are respect for one another, acceptance of the other, non-criticism, listening, being emotionally present, support for the other’s goals, and our accepting their influence. 

When making friends remember to relax, smile and make eye contact.  When you smile at someone, they have a reflex response to smile back.  If you don’t believe me, try it out on a stranger.  They average person will have a reflex response to smile back.  It started when you were a baby and continues to serve you today.  

Introduce yourself to people and then initiate that you get together.  Go out for coffee or lunch.  Find out what interests them and ask them questions about it.  Explore to see if you can find some common interests.  Keep the conversations light and cheery.  Stay clear of heavier more emotionally charged topics like politics and religion for the time being. 

Where might you meet new potential friends?  Join organizations that you have interest in, join a sports team, join a choir or dinner club.  There are also activity clubs such as hiking or camping clubs.  Join Facebook or Twitter.  Even Match.com has a section for just making friends. 

There are many things you can do to make new friends.  But the most important thing you have to do is to take some action.   Get off the couch and become more active in circulating with other people.  Making friends is like riding a bike.  You may be a little rusty, but once you’ve learned how, you never forget.  That reminds me, biking clubs are a good way to make new friends too!

Join in on my Facebook at www.DrJamesWalton.com.  For free affirmations and self-help info log onto Free Affirmations

The Company You Keep

This was sent to me by someone whom I consider a true friend.  I found it's words  both insightful and inspiring and wanted to share it with my readers.
 

THE COMPANY YOU KEEP

(Anonymous)

IT IS BETTER TO BE ALONE, THAN IN THE WRONG COMPANY

                Tell me who your best friends are, and I will tell you who you are. If you run with wolves, you will learn to howl. But, if you associate with eagles, you will learn how to soar to great heights. “A mirror reflects a man’s face, but what he is really like is shown by the kind of friends he chooses.” The simple but true fact of life is that you become like those with whom you closely associate --- for the good and the bad.

            The less you associate with some people, the more your life will improve. Any time you tolerate mediocrity in others, it increases your mediocrity. An important attribute in successful people is their impatience with negative thinking and negative acting people. As you grow, your associates will change. You will make new friends. Some of your friends will not want you to go on. They will want you to stay where they are. Friends that don’t help you climb will want you to crawl. Your friends will stretch your vision or choke your dreams. Those that don’t increase you will eventually decrease you. 

Consider this:

·         Never receive counsel from unproductive people.

·         Never discuss your problems with someone incapable of contributing to the solution, because those who never succeed themselves are always the first to tell you how. Not everyone has a right to speak into your life. You are certain to get the worst of the bargain when you exchange ideas with the wrong person.

·         Don’t follow anyone who’s not going anywhere. Remember, with some people you spend an evening, with other you invest it.

·         If you ask someone who is going nowhere fast where to go or what to do, guess where you will be going ---nowhere, and guess what you will be doing---nothing.

·         Be careful where you stop to inquire for directions along the road of life.

·         Wise is the person who fortifies his life with the right friendships. It is said that a true friend is a second self, someone who wants as much for you as they do for themselves.                                                                                                                                                                                                         

·         Remember everybody is not your friend and that’s OK. Recognize them for what they are and move on.  They become somebody you just know. Associate yourself with people who are doing good things, positive things, the right things!