Understanding Anger: Expression vs. Acting Out

Anger is the emotion that we are least willing to let go of. Once we are caught in its grasp, we hold onto it by repeating the angering incident over and over in our heads. This type of reflection can cause our anger to exaggerate to the point where it feels out of control. However, our experience with anger doesn’t have to be this way. In fact, anger can have a positive effect on our interpersonal relationships. Anger causes our energy level to rises enabling us to take needed action.

In my private practice in Los Angeles, I have discovered that many people do not realize that there’s a difference between feeling anger and acting out anger. Most people never realize that anger can be a healthy feeling which can motivate us to constructive solutions. When we act out anger, it involves an explosive effect that is typically destructive. When we engage in acting out anger, we avoid the healthy expression of our needs behind the anger.

Anger is a signal that something is wrong with our environment. Often, it’s a sign that our boundaries have been crossed and we need to fix it. We also feel anger when we are confronted with the unpleasant fact that we can’t control other people. We also feel anger when we are denied what we believe we are entitled to. Our anger is an attempt to control others and compensate for our feelings of helplessness.

Once we recognize our anger and deal appropriately with the triggering event, there is no need for continuing to hold onto the anger. Anger has done its job of warning us and raising our energy level so that we may take action. Once that is accomplished, anger has completed its usefulness.

Many times we hold onto anger well past the point of its constructive usefulness. We become invested in the belief that acting out our anger makes us more powerful or effective. In actuality, it does neither. Holding onto anger, past its usefulness, makes us appear weak and unstable. We then use it as an unhealthy way of holding onto the past. This is the point where we confuse the healthy expression of anger with the destructive acting out.

The healthy expression of anger is when we are able to verbalize our angry feelings in a calm and controlled assertive manner. It is important for us to own our feelings and clearly verbalize them.

For more information on Dr. Walton’s self-help anger album, log onto www.TheDrWaltonSeries.com. You can also follow his tips of the day on Twitter@LAtherapist. For more information on Dr. Walton, and to obtain free audio affirmations log onto his website at LAtherapist.com. Press Release

Overcome Fear of the Dentist... Yes You Can!

Are you giving yourself negative thoughts, ideas, and words that are deterring you from going to the dentist?

Many people have a fear of the dentist and avoid dental appointments at all costs. Frequently, the cost is at the expense of their teeth and health.

Fear of the dentist is frequently about the fear of losing control. It can also be instigated by a particularly bad experience that may have happened at the dentist’s in the past. Anything associated with the dentist at the moment you were experiencing discomfort can become instantly associated with an anxious response.

Maybe it is the sound of the instruments; maybe it is the sight of the office, or even the sound of the doctor’s voice. If you’ve felt discomfort at the dentist’s office in the past there is a good chance you have created an association between the symbols of the dentist and anxiety. In any case, it feels like a loss of control and anytime we feel out of control we feel anxiety.

Understand that going to the dentist is actually about you gaining control. By taking care of your teeth, you are gaining control of your body, health and appearance. Seeing your dentist is definitely about you taking control of your life and situation.

I have created a free audio affirmation to help you overcome the thoughts and actions that have interfered with your ability to take care of your dental needs. This recording offers a quick way to align your consciousness with new attitudes and thoughts that will foster your confidence, lift your sense of calm, and take back the power that lies inherently within you.

This affirmation is here to serve you. It is designed to tap into the incredible strength of your mind to connect you to the power of your thoughts and build your sense of personal control.

Listening to this affirmation is an opportunity to train your unconscious mind with positive messages. It allows you to empower yourself with thoughts that support your sense of personal control and health.

Simply relax your body and mind with a few deep breaths and then follow the words on the audio, repeating them to yourself. It’s as easy as that.
Clicking on the audio link to access the page and you are on your way! Feeling Relaxed at the Dentist Audio Link.

For more information on Dr. Walton’s self-help albums, log onto www.TheDrWaltonSeries.com. You can also follow his tips of the day on Twitter@LAtherapist. For more information on Dr. Walton, log onto his website at LAtherapist.com.

How Much Sleep Is Normal and How Much Sleep Should I Get?

Difficulty falling and staying asleep can indicate the presence of a medical issue that needs to be addressed by a physician. If you are experiencing some sort of sleep disturbance, consult with your doctor first to eliminate any medical causes.

Difficulty falling asleep is most often related to anxiety. The more anxiety you’re feeling the more difficult it may be for you to fall asleep. Anxiety can also interfere with our ability to remain asleep. You may have noticed that during times when you are feeling anxious, you may frequently wake up at night, sometimes as frequently as every hour.

It is considered normal for adults to wake up once or even twice during the night. Sometimes this kind of waking is misinterpreted as a problem with sleeping. However, it is normal and rather common.

Our sleeping patterns actually change over the course of our lives. As new born babies, for instance, we do not distinguish day from night in regards to sleep. We would wake up to interact whether it was the middle of the night or the middle of the day. As newborns, we had not yet developed the sleep pattern that allowed us to sleep throughout the night.

By the age of four months, we began to sleep more during the night than during the day. Over time, we eventually adjusted to sleeping through the night and being awake during the day.

At this very early age, we slept about 12 hours a day. This is normal. As we became older we required less sleep. From adolescence into adulthood we generally require eight hours of sleep to feel rested in the morning. By the time we reach our late 50’s and 60’s we require much less sleep. Usually only five or six hours is enough.

Requiring less sleep as we get older is not a sleep disorder. It is a natural part of life and you would do better to accept it rather than fight it. Trying to make yourself get more sleep will only make you more anxious and interrupt the quality of the sleep that you actually do get. It will probably have the opposite effect and cause you to get less sleep.

For more information on getting enough sleep and to listen to free samples of Dr. Walton’s self-help hypnosis album for falling asleep at night, log onto www.TheDrWaltonSeries.com. You can also follow his tips of the day on Twitter@LAtherapist For more information on Dr. Walton, log onto LAtherapist.com.

Sleep: a short history

The average individual needs between 8 and 9 hours of sleep any given night to feel a sense of complete rest when they awaken in the morning. Too little sleep can make us feel groggy and less alert during the day.

Just as too little sleep can be damaging to our bodies and health, so is too much. Generally, more than 10 hours of sleep a night is not healthy either. Getting more than 10 hours of sleep a night, on average, can raise an individual’s chances of experiencing depression during the waking hours significantly.

The history of sleep in our culture is quite interesting. Before 1900, the average amount of sleep people acquired was 9 hours. After the light bulb became common in households, the average amount of sleep individual received dropped to 8 hours.

The cause? People were staying up later because of the artificial lighting and were no longer tied to the natural rhythms of sun light. Light, and the lack of it, are directly tied to the production of melatonin in the brain. When we enter into a dark environment, it triggers the brain to produce more melatonin which causes us to feel a sense of drowsiness.

Artificial lighting inhibits the brain from producing the sleep causing melatonin and we remain awake longer. As a result, people didn’t seem to suffer and most adapted quite easily and went about their daily lives without missing that extra hour.

Our sleep pattern changed again in the 1950’s. The average amount of sleep dropped again. It fell to 7½ hours on average. The reason? Television had become common in most households. More and more people were staying up later to watch their favorite programs before retiring for the night.

As a result, people seemed to adjust fairly well to this drop in sleep also. Although some people felt a little tired during the day, they were easily able to make up the lack of rest during the weekend.

The 1980’s brought yet another change in the amount of sleep the average individual received. This time, the average amount of sleep dropped to 7 hours a night.

The culprit? 24 hour news television programming. Up until that time, television stations ended their transmitters around midnight and with nothing left to watch, people went to bed. Now, they could watch news and other programming 24 hours a day. There was no external cause to direct them to bed. Entertainment was now 24/7 and people responded.

It was in the mid 80’s when researches began to notice a new issue arising in American culture: fatigue caused by a lack of sleep. Sleep deprivation was now just beginning to work its way into society as a cultural phenomenon. People actually began to brag about their lack of sleep as a badge of honor for social status.

Still, getting 7 hours of sleep is still enough for most people to function well enough at home and work. If it wasn’t enough, they could just catch up on the weekends.

Then in 2009, our sleep habits changed one more time. Yet again it dropped, and this time, to the lowest average ever in human history. In 2001, the average amount of sleep the average American experienced was about 6.5 hours and many others were living with significantly less on a sustained basis.

Why? Researchers are not completely sure why except that it coincides perfectly with the rise of the Internet. As more and more people logged onto the Internet, the average amount of sleep continued to fall. This time to dangerous levels.

Getting less than 7 hours of sleep will begin to cause ramifications in your daily life. Most people will begin to have a tired feeling throughout the day if they get less than 7 hours. It can mildly impair cognitive functioning. When we feel mildly sleep deprived, we might have more difficulty making good decisions. We may find ourselves a little more irritable.

In fact, getting less than 6 hours of sleep can be linked to an increase in car accidents, short term memory loss, lack of focus and difficulty maintaining attention. It has even been linked to weight gain by suppressing the body’s ability to control appetite.

Getting less than 6 hours of sleep on a continuous basis can have serious ramifications for the average adult. It can begin to negatively affect the immune system and we find ourselves more susceptible to depression and physical injuries.

For most people, it is vitally important that they receive between 7 and 9 hours of sleep on average every night. This amount of sleep allows us to function at our peak during the day without feeling tired or distracted. It allows us greater access to our faculties and gives our bodies a chance to rest and heal. It is critical for both our physical and mental health. Getting enough sleep is essential for living a vital, active and healthy life.

For more information on getting enough sleep and to listen to free samples of Dr. Walton’s self-help hypnosis album for falling asleep at night, log onto www.TheDrWaltonSeries.com. You can also follow his tips of the day on Twitter@LAtherapist For more information on Dr. Walton, log onto LAtherapist.com.

"Ultimate Weight Loss" Named Best Album of the Year

This past weekend I attended the 2009 Just Plain Folks International Music Awards in Nashville, Tennessee. Over 1,400 people were in attendance. It was quite a spectacular and exciting event. JPF is the world’s largest independent music awards organization. They are the only awards organization to include self-help/meditation as a category.

Just Plain Folks is a community of over 51,500 Songwriters, Recording Artists, Music Publishers, Record Labels, Performing Arts Societies, Educational Institutions, Recording Studios and Engineers, Producers, Legal Professionals, Publicists and Journalists, Publications, Music Manufacturers and Retailers and about every other type of member of the Music Industry. These are the people who judged and voted on what they considered the best albums of the year.

My album, Dr. Walton’s Ultimate Weight Loss received the honor of “Best Self-help/Meditation Album of the Year.” It was quite exciting to be called up on stage. I have photos of the event on my fan page on Facebook. More photos will be posted as they become available.

I wanted to share with you the short acceptance speech I gave:

"I would like to thank Brian and JPF for making this amazing award possible. Thank you so much.

I’d also like to thank my friends and my family for traveling all the way to Nashville to be here with me tonight.

My album is on weight loss, however, it is not about judging the body you already have. It’s about loving that body in all its forms, heavy, skinny, and every other way just as it is right now.

It’s the only body you have and the only one you’ll ever have for the rest of your life. It will always be with you. Love it and respect it for what it is.

So, succeeding at weight loss is not as much about losing the weight you carry with you in your body as it is about feeling the lightness you can carry with you in your heart that makes all the difference in your life.

Thank you very much."

If you would like more information on Dr. James Walton, you can log onto his website at LAtherapist.com. If you would like more information on the international award-winning album “Ultimate Weight Loss,” you can log onto Ultimate Weight Loss. Press Release

3 Rules for Helping A Friend Who Is Overweight

Our bodies are the most intimate and personal object we possess. So, it comes as no great surprise that people can be very touchy about comments made about their bodies. Sometimes, we have a friend or loved one that we observe being very destructive to themselves with food and we want to help, but don’t know how.

Often, we don’t say anything to them because we’re afraid of offending them. Instead, we may opt for giving them hints or make covert comments with hidden messages. When those messages go unheeded, don’t be fooled into thinking that your loved one is oblivious to your comments. I can assure you that they are quite aware of what you’re saying and they probably find it very offensive.

Rule one: be straight forward. Tell them what you are observing in their behaviors without being judgmental. “How do you do that?” you ask. Do it without calling them crazy or telling them they are defective in some way.

Don’t tell them that they are wrong. When we make people wrong, they become defensive and then dig their heels in to prove that you’re wrong. They do this by making justifications for their condition and convince themselves that there is nothing they can do about their situation.

To overcome the temptation of being judgmental, emphasize the benefits they’ll gain from living a healthier lifestyle such as improvement in mood, better outlook on life, more energy, and higher self-esteem, as well as, all the physical/medical benefits of having a healthier body.

Rule two: Give them hope. Most of us stay stuck in a destructive behavior because we feel it’s hopeless. We have an image of ourselves imprinted in our minds that we respond to over and over. It is like a mental blueprint deep down in our unconscious mind of who we expect ourselves to be and our behaviors respond to that unconscious blueprint even if it goes counter to what we are consciously trying to achieve. This makes changing a behavior very, very difficult for us to do and it makes us feel very alone in our efforts at losing weight. One effective secret to losing weight is to get down into that subconscious mind and change that blueprint.

To help them counter this feeling of hopelessness, let them know that they are not alone. Let them know that many people today suffer from being overweight but something can be done and there are many people who have succeeded in losing weight down to a healthier level and they’re feeling much better about themselves. Also let them know that you would be willing to support them in their efforts. Then, ask them how you might be helpful for them in achieving their goal. Maybe, you’d be willing to exercise with them, or changing the nature of the meals you eat with them.

Rule three: Show interest in their entire life and not just in their losing weight. There is nothing more destructive to a person’s self-esteem than being judged strictly on their achievements at weight loss. That kind of judgment doesn’t support anybody in losing weight.

But when you do show interest in their weight loss, don’t count the pounds; count the effort. Support them by letting them know how impressed you are at the strides and efforts they are making at improving their health. Losing weight is not an easy thing for most people. By praising the effort, people are much less likely to judge themselves when they slip backwards. Rather, they have a greater tendency to learn from their mistakes and work towards improving their results. Praising the efforts and not criticizing the slips keeps their egos intact and allows them to learn from mistakes without becoming discouraged. For success, people need to feel respected and supported.

You may try applying all three rules with your loved one and still run into strong resistance. In any case, stop using innuendos, dropping hints or outright criticisms. They don’t work and will only serve to poison your relationship. Blaming them will only drive them away from doing anything at all about their weight in a bid to prove to you that they are fine just as they are.

What you can do is mention the options and benefits for losing weight from time to time. In a very measured way, and I can’t stress that point enough, you can pass along articles or ideas from time to time on body health and weight loss. If you do this too often, it will only lead to resentment and stronger resistance.

Express empathy for them by trying to view their experience through their eyes. This can be very helpful in reducing your desirer to blame them. If they desperately need to have a physical exam, it may be helpful to set the doctor’s appointment together.

However, if someone staunchly refuses to do anything about their weight, there is only so much you can do. You can only do what you can do. You then only have two choices: leave the relationship, or accept them completely for who they are without judgment. I recommend the latter.

For more information on weight loss and to listen to free samples of Dr. Walton’s hypnosis weight loss album, log onto “Ultimate Weight Loss.” You can also follow his tips of the day on Twitter at DrWeightLoss_ For more information on Dr. Walton, log onto LAtherapist.com. Press Release

Weight Loss - Loving Your Body Right Now

Losing weight is not about hating the body you have right now. It is about appreciating and loving that very body. Within its own physical limitations, this body has been a wonderful and loving servant of your will.

Your body is the point through which you experience all of your thoughts and feelings, all of your physical sensations and perceptions of the world around you. Your body is the point through which you experience the entire reality of your life. It is the one thing that you’ll always have with you from birth until the end of your life. It deserves your love no matter what condition it is in at this given time.

Your body is not your enemy; it is not working against you. The body does not act independently from your treatment of it. Your body only responds to the way you treat it. It reflects the care that you give it. If you feed it foods that cause it to gain weight, it will respond by gaining weight. If you exercise, it will become more efficient and toned. It is a loving servant of your will within its individual limitations.

Losing weight and becoming more fit can be done for no one else but for yourself. Those members of your family and friends who have been urging you to lose weight love you and have your best interest at heart, but their urging alone is not enough if you are to succeed. If you are not motivated on your own and are only bending to their demands, then you’ll only end up resenting those people who love you and sabotaging your efforts at losing weight.

To succeed at losing weigh, you must realize that you are the one in control of your decisions and life. Losing weight is a process rather than an event. As with all processes, the movement forward is built upon a foundation of successes and setbacks. Our setbacks can be as valuable as our successes and are opportunities for learning more about ourselves and our desires. Learning from our setbacks allows us to move closer to the success we desire.

It takes determination to lose weight. Unhealthy eating habits and lifestyles are not easy to overcome. It is both a physical and emotional sacrifice you must make when it comes to achieving your desired weight goals. The result of a sacrifice is to make something sacred. When you change your eating habits and adopt a healthy exercise program, you perform a sacrifice that symbolizes to yourself, and those around you, that your health and quality of life are sacred to you.

In some Native American tribes, it was called upon young members to make a sacrifice to achieve recognition of adulthood. Often, that sacrifice involved a ritual of scaring the body. The sacrifice you may endure on your journey to achieving your desired weight can be as meaningful to your psyche as any scar left upon the body and deserves to be honored and respected.

A scar represents pain and injury; it also represents a capacity to heal and grow beyond what has been. Scar material is always stronger than what existed before.

You may have begun over eating as a response to medicating yourself from a painful emotional experience. Food became a way of pacifying bad feelings. Eating is a comforting and soothing experience that takes us back to younger days when we were children and a loving parent soothed our feelings with food.

By choosing to lose weight, you have chosen a sacrifice that symbolically moves you beyond the immaturity of your youth. It may be viewed as a rite of passage into adulthood.

For a sacrifice to have meaning, it must be a personal choice made by you alone. True sacrifice is not an imprisonment, but rather, it is the ultimate expression of your free will and that is to be honored and revered.

For more information on losing weight, and to listen to free samples of Dr. Walton’s latest album, log onto “Dr. Walton's Ultimate Weight Loss.” For more information on Dr. Walton, log onto LAtherapist.com. Press Release

Stopping Smoking for Good

Stopping smoking is a life decision that can have a profound effect on your health and experience in living. Stopping smoking can be done for no one else but for yourself. Those members of your family and friends who have been urging you to stop smoking love you and have your best interest at heart, but their urging alone is not enough if you are to succeed. If you are not motivated on your own and are only bending to their demands, then you will only end up resenting those people who love you and sabotaging your efforts at stopping smoking.

To succeed at stopping smoking, you must realize that you are the one in control of your decisions and life. More often than not, stopping smoking is a process rather than an event. As with all processes, the movement forward is built upon a foundation of successes and setbacks. The setbacks can be as valuable as the successes and are opportunities for learning more about yourself and your desires. Learning from your setbacks allows you to move closer to the success you desire.

It takes determination to stop smoking. An addiction is not easy to overcome. It is both a physical and emotional sacrifice you are making. The result of a sacrifice is to make something sacred. When you stop smoking, you perform a sacrifice that symbolizes to yourself and those around that your health and quality of life are sacred to you.

In some Native American tribes, it was called upon for young men and women to make a sacrifice to achieve recognition of adulthood. Often, that sacrifice involved a ritual of scaring the body. The emotional pain you may have endured on your journey to being a non-smoker can be as scaring to your psyche as any left upon the body and deserves to be honored and respected.

A scar represents pain and injury; it also represents a capacity to heal and grow beyond what has been. Scar material is always stronger than what existed before.

You probably began smoking as a teenager or young adult. By quitting smoking at this time, you have chosen a sacrifice that symbolically moves you beyond the immaturity of your youth. It may be viewed as a rite of passage into adulthood. That is to be honored.

For a sacrifice to have meaning it must be a personal choice made in the aloneness of your being. If stopping smoking is someone else’s decision, then you have not freely chosen it for yourself. As a result, you will have no resolve and the quitting experience will have no personal meaning for you leading you to a possible failure. True sacrifice is not an imprisonment, but rather, it is the ultimate expression of your free will to be honored and revered. And remember, not smoking is a habit too.

Log on for more information on stopping smoking for good and for listening to a free sample of his award-winning album “Dr. Walton’s Stopping Smoking.” For more information on Dr. Walton's private stop smoking sessions, log onto Stopping Smoking for Good. For more information on Dr. Walton, log onto LAtherapist.com.

Recovering from a Break Up

Men pride themselves on feeling powerful, competent and effective in their world. They receive a sense of fulfillment in feeling successful and doing well. Men take great pride in being independent and self-sufficient.

Then, they fall in love. They allow themselves to be vulnerable to another, they get close and sometimes they end up getting hurt and their hearts get broken.

Surprisingly, men generally are the first to fall in love and the last to fall out of it. Men have more difficulty handling their emotions than women. Simply because men have been trained to be more independent so they have developed fewer skills at handling their emotions. They become emotionally overwhelmed more easily and demonstrate it by shutting off emotionally and withdrawing, going into denial or becoming workaholics. All of this is a bid to cut themselves off from those overwhelming feelings of hurt and pain.

In the process, those feelings lie dormant and are actually never healed. When we don’t heal those feelings, we don’t allow ourselves to fall in love again and we miss out on one of the most rewarding, healing and satisfying experiences in our lives that of falling in love again.

The secret that women use for handling their feelings, that men generally don’t, is that women are able to think and feel at the same time. Men, on the other hand, are either in thinking mode or feeling mode. When men are in pain from a break up, they go right into feeling mode and become overwhelmed by those feelings resulting in shut down, paralysis, withdraw or angry bitterness. Men cannot make good decisions for themselves or anyone else under those conditions.

That we fall in love we will inevitably experience having our hearts broken. However, the pain we experience from the loss of a love can have meaning for us and actually enrich our experience in life. Out of the pain of loss, we can observe the true depth of our ability to love another. Without loss, we may never really know the depth of our ability to love.

Suffering is communication from the depths of our soul. Without it, our soul is dead; for suffering deepens and expands our experience in life and we are changed as we give meaning to the experience.

If you have recently gone through a break up, acknowledge that you are going through a crisis and become more compassionate and gentle with yourself. Remove any blame you may be putting on yourself for anything you may or may not have done or for trusting another or having been vulnerable. It’s important to know that we are able to trust and experience vulnerability. Those are important parts of being in a relationship.

Talk about your hurt with people who are willing to listen. You might even want to seek out a licensed therapist to help you through this time.

It’s important to let yourself know that you can and will make it through this time.

Stick to your daily routines. Continue to eat, sleep and exercise at the same times you always have. Meditation can be an excellent way to relax the mind and heal the heart.  If you don’t exercise, now could be a good time to start. Always consult with your doctor first before starting any exercise routine. Exercise causes our bodies to release endorphins that serve to help us feel better.

Don’t seek revenge. It’s OK to fantasize about it, but it’s not OK to act it out. Angry behavior only leads to amping up the drive to act out more angry behavior. Don’t do it.

Don’t follow, spy on, or call the other person. This can keep you attached in a very unhealthy way and makes it much more difficult to let go of your hurt and angry feelings. Resist the urge to try to make them understand your hurt feelings or try to get them to see your point of view. This will only lead to more frustration and feelings of betrayal. Of course, don’t harm yourself. Doing so never gets them to come back.

Throw yourself into an activity or project that you love doing. As men, we’re doers. While we’re doing the activity we love we’re also processing our painful feelings and this can contribute greatly to our healing of those feelings.

Keep in mind that relationships are about growth, they’re not about happiness.

We, ourselves, are responsible for our own happiness. It’s our thoughts and how we choose to interpret them that affect how we feel about ourselves and the world around us. What we think affects how we feel.

When our heart’s broken by someone, we may feel that we’ll never love again. We may feel we were foolish in having trusted that individual. We may have felt that they were the “right” one for us and there will never be another. None of those thoughts is true. There’s not just one person out there for us; there are many right people out there for us. If someone is ultimately not with us, then they were definitely not the right person.

The only thing true about that relationship experience is that you probably learned something about yourself. Search yourself to find out how you’re different now from having known the other person. Have you changed what you want out of a relationship?

It’s our thoughts that determine our happiness, not the person we are with. When we experience a break up, we have a tendency to let go of the bad times and hold onto the good memories. This doesn’t serve us, especially when our heart’s broken and we’re in pain over the loss of the relationship. It may be a good idea to remember the bad times. Keep in mind the difficulties of this relationship and how your needs weren’t met.

For more information on healing from a break up, and to listen to free samples of Dr. Walton’s latest album, log onto “After Breaking Up: Healing the Heart and Finding Happiness.” For more information on Dr. Walton, log onto LAtherapist.com. Watch the Video on "Healing from A Break Up."

The Bachelor Party - A Survival Guide

Aah the bachelor party. Two rather potent words in their own right, but when use in combination they can strike debilitating terror into the heart in the bride to be, or at the very least really annoy her.

Traditionally, in our society, it is the bachelor party and not the bachelorette party that strikes a note of discord at the heart of even the most harmonious of engagements. We can generate for ourselves so much discomfort and distress over the bachelor party that it casts a shadow over the entire wedding experience for the wife to be. However, her discord with the bachelor party is not so much the fear that her fiancé is going to have sex with someone else during the event, but rather, she feels let down that he would even want to go.

Friends can also contribute the build up of her anxiety around the party by playing up to its mythical naughtiness right in front of her. The greatest fear for women over the bachelor party comes from her fearing what his friends might have in mind for the event. The friends know this and will often play it to the hilt to get a rise out of her. Why?

Well friends, and especially single friends, are feeling some anxiety about the impending change to their relationship with your fiancé. They may not be able to identify it or put it into words, but it’s there. It’s called abandonment. Somewhere deep inside, his friends may be experiencing a sense of abandonment as he moves away from them and towards involvement in a marriage. So, they distract themselves from their own bad feelings by doing a little teasing of someone else, that being you.

A little good natured teasing around the bachelor party, in very small measure, from his friends can be expected. If you experience it, then know that his friends are experiencing some anxiousness about the impending change in their relationship with your fiancé. Their teasing around the bachelor party is an unconscious attempt to get rid of their own uncomfortable abandonment feelings, while giving some of them to you.

If they are doing it to you, then they are most likely doing it to your fiancé as well. Their allusions in front of him about the bachelor party can cause him anxiety as well. And they will tease him to unload their anxieties for the very same reasons.

Good natured taunting about the bachelor party is not intended to injure, but rather it is a way of expressing their unease without having to admit to it. After all, your friends are supposed to be happy for you when you get engaged, right? And most friends are truly happy for you, but it is also possible that way down deep inside they might be experiencing a tinge of jealousy that they don’t understand or can’t express.

So, the bachelor party and its planning becomes the safest vehicle for friends to discharge their anxieties around their feelings of abandonment while helping to reaffirm friendship bonds. It even allows those who were not chosen to be the best man to have a place in the wedding experience that is culturally accepted.

I want you to know that your feelings and fears around the bachelor party are legitimate and may need to be verbalized. If you are having difficulty over the party, let him know how you feel. If there are certain activities you find unacceptable, tell him so. Remember, the shroud of secretiveness around the party is an attempt to cause him some anxiety as well. He may actually feel the same way you do and would welcome your alliance.

Most engaged men do not relish the idea of a raucous bachelor party, however, they don’t want to look like wimp in front of their friends so they will go along with it. Bare in mind that some of the party is still out of his control. What he can control is the amount of alcohol he consumes. Men, limit your drinking. By limiting your drinking you can still enjoy the party while helping to build trust with your fiancé.

Trust is a biggest issue at stake around the bachelor party. If you feel you can’t trust your fiancé at the bachelor party, there may be seriously destructive issues underlying your relationship. If this is the case, you may want to explore these issues together with a licensed therapist before the wedding.

Many men view the bachelor party as a rite of passage among their friends. We live in a society with few remaining rites of passage, so trying to force your fiancé to refuse a bachelor party may very well cause him to feel resentment towards you. Remember, your fiancé has already pledged a commitment to you for building a life together. As silly as the party might seem to you, for him it may hold some meaning. If you decide to give your approval for his party, let go of it and do not punish him later for having attended it.

By all means, men should tell their fiancés about the plans being made for their bachelor party if they are going to have one. Be open. It’s the secretiveness that gets people into trouble. Friends like to tease the fiancé by whispering in front of her to get a reaction. Be the first to let her know about the party and talk out your feelings with each other. You can use this as an opportunity for improving the trust between the two of you.

This brings us to the point of having one last round before marriage. Most couples who have made a commitment to marry never feel that urge. They want to be married to their fiancé and have no interest in anyone else. For these people, the decision for monogamy was made back before the couple decided to get married.

Now, there are a few individuals and they tend to be men, but not always, who do desire to have one last fling before their marriage. In most cases, this desire is a symptom of panicking around a decision that will affect the rest of their life. It comes from the place that questions whether or not they are making the right decision. If you are really that frightened of marriage or are really not that sure, it’s perfectly fine to delay the wedding until a time when you are feeling more comfortable. Just knowing that the wedding can be delayed is enough for many of these panicking individuals to clear their heads to see that they are marring the right person.

However, if you are feeling compelled to have one last fling, you may have to take a look inside and honestly evaluate if you are really ready to make that commitment. Maybe this person is not the right one for you. It’s OK to not be ready and it’s better to know it before you get married.

For information on the history of marriage log onto Dr. Walton on YouTube. For more information log onto LAtherapist.com or for more information on convenient self-help downloads, or to listen to free samples, log onto the "Dr Walton Series".

When Is It An Affair?

For something to be called a sexual affair, it requires three conditions and all three must be present.

1. There's more intimacy than in the primary relationship
2. There's sex involved
3. It's kept a secret

Men consider it an affair when sex is involved. An affair does not have to be physical for women to consider it cheating. It just has to be emotional.

The Internet has brought on a new issue for people who had no intention of cheating. They innocently cross the line as they divulge more and more of themselves to each other and find themselves involved in an emotional affair.

For an emotional affair, it requires all three conditions to be present.

1. Greater emotional intimacy than in the primary relationship,
2. Secrecy and deception from the spouse
3. Sexual chemistry

Emotional affairs can cause a good deal of marital strife. However, the affair that includes sexual intercourse typically does the most damage to the couple.

Affairs are an indication that there are problems in the dynamics of the marriage. And they bring with them an opportunity to rediscover the intimacy and closeness that was either lost or was never present in the primary relationship if the couple is willing to work through the violation.

Affairs generally start innocently enough. Most of the time, there is no intention to violate the trust of the primary relationship. At first, the pair meets and has a friendly exchange. They like each other and feel a sense of comfort with each other. As they get to know each other, feelings begin to develop. Most people stop at this point. The same mechanics are in operation when we are making a friend.

Then something takes a turn. They notice that they are beginning to form a bond that seems more than just friends. The relationship becomes secret. They stop telling their friends or families about the other attached individual. The secrecy helps to strengthen the feelings and the bond that is taking place with the other person. Now, things are beginning to go too far.

As the relationship progresses, they look for more and more excuses to spend time together. They share their feelings and hopes with each other. They may still try to convince themselves that they are nothing more than friends. However, their behavior reveals a different story.

Finally, there are sexual ideas forming in both of their minds. It may not be spoken about at first, but over time, it usually comes out. Sex is thrilling and they already have a code of secrecy. Who would know? It’s the secrecy that makes it possible for this final step.

If it’s an unattached woman having an affair with an attached man, she often will think/hope in the back of her mind that once they have sex, he will leave his primary relationship for her. This rarely happens. When the affair ends, 90% of the time, he’ll go home and she’ll end up having a broken heart.

Affairs are not a realistic way of having a relationship. They are very romantic, but they are not based in reality. The times when the pair meets up are exciting and highly stimulating. They share dinner, interludes, secret events and may even travel together. However, they are not living together in day to day life. They are feeding the passion with a fantasy and not with the reality of daily life. They are not dealing with the more mundane aspects of a relationship such as the kids, the mortgage, the visiting in-laws, tuition, disciplining of children and maintenance of the home.

Affairs are one of the most damaging predicaments that couples face. They are equally difficult to treat and overcome. In fact, it is estimated by one survey that 50% of all couples who enter therapy do so as the result of an actual or suspected affair.

For the individual who discovers their partner has been cheating it can be devastating. Some individuals go through a legitimate experience of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. In any case, there is a profound sense of loss and pain. In some cases, it can be worse that the experience of death. With the death of a partner, they were taken away by the circumstances. We have traditions and customs to handle such losses.

With and affair, the partner chooses to leave for someone else of their own free will. We don’t have any traditions or customs to support the grieving one left behind. Often, their friends and families don’t know how to help or what to say. Other times, the offended individual hides the fact that their partner had an affair. They are embarrassed, shamed or confused. As a result, they don’t make themselves available for what support they could receive from family and friends.

During this time, the offended individual has to deal with feeling of loss of specialness, loss of self-respect and loss of faith. It feels like the carpet has been pulled out from under them. They may even doubt their ability to judge reality accurately and are unprepared for the emotional and physical changes that could possibly occur as a result of the affair. It’s very disturbing, especially for a partner that was completely trusting.

At this time, it is important to get into couples counseling with someone who knows how to work with couples in crisis from an affair. In therapy, they should be learning how to better communicate with each other both talking and listening. It is important that the affair no longer be a secret but the offending partner tell the injured party as much as they are willing to ask or hear.

The betrayal by a secret does the most damage to the trust in the relationship. It is therefore important that secrets around the affair be eliminated at the timetable of the offended partner. Open communication does the most good in any relationship. It is particularly difficult when dealing with the emotions around an affair.

The injured partner must recover a sense of security and move past the hurt, anger, and worry. The partner who had the affair must tolerant of the injured partner’s ongoing emotional response and relentless “need to know” about the affair.

Retaliation is a common reaction to the discovery of an affair. Don’t do it. It only compounds the problem of the primary relationship. It will only drive a bigger wedge between the couple and make it more difficult to work on the issues that were present before the affair. It also adds more guilt, suspicion and anger into the mix of the relationship.

There are generally only three reasons for an affair.
They are:

1. Passive aggressive anger
2. A way to exit the relationship
3. An effort to work out childhood issues of closeness and abandonment

Men are typically motivated to have an affair as a result of their own psychological issues. Women, tend to find motivation for an affair due to perceived marital shortcomings. In either case, it is a dysfunctional way of dealing with communication and intimacy in the relationship.

The strongest predictor for a man to have an affair is his attitude and value of monogamy. For women, the strongest predictor is satisfaction and happiness in her marriage.

As long as the couple both have a genuine interest and desire to save the relationship, there is a good chance the relationship can survive and grow into something even better than what they had before. However, the lover must be completely given up. Both partners must be willing to share responsibility for their own actions and what they can do to make the relationships work. They must be willing to work on new ways of behaving that eliminate secrecy and improve communication. They both must be genuinely willing to recommit to the relationship and learn to give the kind of love to their partner that the partner needs.

When communicating with each other, there should be no accusing, no criticizing and no uncontrollable anger. Be pleasant, do not threaten and never be disrespectful or judgmental of each other. To help the relationship thrive, remember this anachronym: CHAT. It’s like a four legged chair. If we are missing one of the legs, it’s not very stable. We need to experience each one of these in a good relationship.

C – Cherished
H – Heard
A – Admired
T - Touched

For the time being, added security needs to be brought to the relationship. This can be done by the offending partner:

Calling the partner more often throughout the day
Carrying a cell phone that is always turned on
Limit out of town travel for the time being
Offer complete travel itineraries and phone numbers
Talk about their day in detail
Spend more time together
Answer any questions that are requested by the offended partner

As trust develops, these requests will slow down and eventually stop. There will be many setback on the road to a healthier relationship. Sometimes, it will seem like it has been left far behind and then all of a sudden the offended partner seems to have an emotional flair up out of the blue. This is normal and does not indicate that it is insurmountable. It is just part of the healing process and is to be honored.

How can you avoid all of this? Simply don’t have the affair. If you feel the temptation, get yourselves into couples counseling immediately. Open up to better communication skills and greater intimacy. The earlier you get yourself into counseling the better. Most people wait to enter into counseling until it’s too late. It’s much easier and more effective to deal with issues and have a great outcome when you enter into therapy at the very first sign of trouble.

It’s economical too. After all, it’s a lot cheaper than a divorce.

For more information log onto LAtherapist.com or for more information on convenient self-help downloads, or to listen to free samples, log onto The Dr. Walton Series. Check out Dr. Walton's latest album and listen to free samples, log onto After Breaking Up: Healing the Heart and Finding Happiness. You man also want to check out Dr. Walton's Anger Management.

Alcohol and Alcoholism

Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive and potentially fatal disease characterized by significant impairment that is directly associated with persistent and excessive use of alcohol.

There is disagreement about how to define alcoholism. Basically, it is defined by:
Length, amount and pattern of drinking
Social problems because of drinking
Psychological dependence
Physiological dependence
Medical diseases caused by alcohol such as liver damage

Dependence on alcohol is defined by tolerance and withdraw symptoms. There are two types of dependence: Psychological and Physical.

Psychological dependence is based on the degree of psychological discomfort experienced when alcohol is unavailable.

Physical dependence is based on the presence of physical symptoms in the absence of alcohol after prolonged heavy drinking. Some of those physical symptoms are:
o Increased heart rate
o Sweating
o Elevated blood pressure
o Tremors

Withdraw symptoms are generally the opposite of the drug’s direct effects lasting a few hours to a few days

What are the signs of Addiction?
Signs of alcohol addiction are:
• Tolerance and withdraw
o 50% more needed for high
o withdraw symptoms when stopping
o take more to avoid withdraw
• Loss of control
o larger amounts
o persistent desire or effort to cut down
• Time involvement
o a great deal of time spent thinking about, obtaining & using
• Social dysfunction
o avoiding work from hangovers, going to work high, driving
o avoid social events because of use
• Knowledge of adverse effects
o continues use despite family dysfunctions and arguments

An alcohol addiction begins with an individual experiencing short term gratification from drinking alcohol much as it does for most people. It causes us to feel that the substance can be good for us. This first experience is usually a positive one. As a result, we gain a sense of comfort with it when we are out socially.

The individual that runs the risk of having a problem with alcohol takes a turn from the general population at this point. This individual begins to use alcohol as a form of self-medication. They begin to use it to ease anxiety and stress. They begin to increase their use of alcohol and as a result, their tolerance to alcohol begins to increase resulting in even more alcohol use.

Problems such as memory loss, sneaking extra drinks, guilt about drinking behavior all begin to appear. In the process, they do not recognize that there is a problem beginning. Denial is freely used by the individual who becomes lost in the world of alcoholism. At this point, they feel they can stop anytime they want to… they just don’t want to.

Now, the blackouts begin. The alcoholic rationalizes it’s use and blames others for the problems it is creating in their life. More and more alcohol becomes the center of the alcoholic’s life. As it progresses, the alcoholic experiences reverse tolerance where instead of taking four drinks to become drunk, it only takes half a drink.

The tolerance drops and intoxication may be day long. They have physical effects such as tremors and not attending work more frequently. Usually they feel they have hit bottom and become willing to accept suggestions for treatment. Marked by physical and moral deterioration, they will drink poison if alcohol is not available.

Many times job performance is the last thing to be affected by the illness because of the need to maintain economic support and to continue the illusion that everything is fine.

The alcoholic personality exhibits:
• Exaggerated self-importance
• Charming & Charismatic
• Grandiose behavior
• “I” as opposed to “we” thinking
• Denial
• A rigid, judgmental outlook
• Lack of solid logic in thinking
• Black and white thinking
• All or nothing thinking
• Obsessive thinking and thought patterns
• Impatience
• Childish behavior
• Irresponsible behavior
• Irrational rationalization
• Projection
• Overreaction

There are some predictors for possible problems with alcohol. Those are:
• Solitary drinking
• over-permissive norms of drinking
• lack of specific drinking norms
• tolerance of drunkenness
• adverse social behavior tolerated when drinking
• alcohol used to reduce tension and anxiety
• alcohol used apart from social affiliate functions
• alcohol use separated from overall eating patterns
• drinking with strangers, which increases violence

Here is a self-evaluation questionnaire developed by the National Institute of Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism.
• Do you drink alone when you feel angry or sad?
• Dose your drinking ever make you late for work?
• Dose your drinking worry your family?
• Do you drink after telling yourself you won’t?
• Do you ever forget what you did while you were drinking?
• Do you have headaches or have a hangover after you have been drinking?

If you can answer yes to any of those questions, then you may have a problem with alcohol. Understand that chronic alcohol use can lead to dementia and organic brain disease.

What is safe & Moderate Drinking?
The USDA defines moderate drinking as no more than one or two drinks per day for men, and no more than one drink per day for women. One drink is considered to be 12 oz of beer, 5 oz of wine, or 1.5 oz of liquor.

Who can drink?
Those who already drink in moderation and do not have a history of substance abuse or psychiatric disorder or have a direct relative with a drinking problem

Who Can’t Drink?
• Children & adolescents
• alcoholics
• Those with family members with alcohol problems
• Women pregnant or trying to get pregnant
• on medications
• planning on driving or requiring full attention

Frequently, families will deny the problem and try to hide the problem from public view. When one or both parents are alcoholic, the family becomes chaotic and then organizes roles to leave out the alcoholic. Eventually, they will attempt to leave the alcoholic or have the alcoholic leave the family.

If someone you love has a problem with alcohol, concern, sympathy, cajoling, threatening, and other natural responses will have little effect on their behavior. The best way to intervene between an alcoholic and the bottle is to do an intervention that confronts the addict. An intervention organized by a trained professional is probably the best way to go.

The intervention presents the reality to the addict in a way they can hear it. An intervention is two or more persons who are close to the addict and have witnessed his behavior under the influence. It is made up of two or more of the following: spouse, employer, parents, siblings, children, close friends, co-workers, clergy, therapist, drug/alcohol counselor or other significant persons.

The goal is to break down the addict’s defenses so that reality can be seen long enough for the addict to accept it. Present facts about the addict’s behavior and consequences of that behavior in an objective, nonjudgmental and caring way. Pile up the episodes of the effects of the addict’s behavior describing them in explicit detail. Have those they love/respect express the anguish his/her actions have caused them. This should shock them into facing the truth about their condition.

At the end of the intervention, they are then presented with several treatment options that have been worked out in advance with a qualified drug/alcohol counselor, therapist or physician.

Good resources for more information on alcohol and drug addiction/treatment can be found at:
•AA – mutual support to stay sober found at AA.org
•Al-Anon – for individuals affected by an alcoholic found at Alanon.org
•Alateen – ages 12 to 20 found at Alateen.org
•ACA – Help for growing up with alcoholic parents found at Adultchildren.org
•Cocaine Anonymous found at CA.org
•Narcotics Anonymous found at NA.org

For more information log onto www.LAtherapist.com. For free clips and self-help audios, log onto the Dr. Walton Series at www.HypnoCD.com

Overcoming Depression

Everybody experiences moments or even a few days of being down in the dumps and/or sad from time to time. This is a very normal experience we all have occasionally. People often refer to getting the blues as being in a depression.

However, clinical depression is a distinct experience from getting the blues. There is a difference between getting the blues and clinical depression. Anyone can get the blues.
It's a temporary, and normal, reaction to stress or difficult situations and times.

The blues come and go they usually don't affect our sense of self-worth or cause us to experience physical symptoms such as weight loss or gain or have suicidal thoughts.

As opposed to the blues, clinical depression is much longer lasting and is more intense affecting not only our mood, but our thinking, our bodies, our abilities to perform our jobs and our social interaction.

Clinical depression brings on feelings of inadequacy, generalized loss of interest of pleasure, social withdrawal, feelings of guilt or brooding about the past, irritability, excessive anger, decreased activity, effectiveness or productivity.

In children, it is observed in impaired school performance
and social interaction. They are usually irritable and cranky as well as depressed. They can also suffer from low self-esteem and poor social skills and are pessimistic.

Many people often don't recognize that clinical depression is a serious illness. They will frequently see it as character flaw in the individual, or something that you just need to buck up and get over.

It's not uncommon to hear someone tell them to just snap out of it. It's no easier for someone with clinical depression to just snap out of it than it is for someone with a broken leg to just get over it and walk. Clinical depression is a condition that needs to be treated professionally for the best recovery results.

Some depressions are a result of chemical imbalances in the brain and can be treated with anti-depressant medication.
Others respond to treatment in a one-on-one situation in psychotherapy along with improved nutrition and exercise.
And others could benefit from a combination of all of them.

In any case, clinical depression does not generally go away on its own and it requires some from of treatment for the best results.

Statistically, women are two to three times more likely to develop clinical depression than men. Over the course of a lifetime, approximately 6% of the general population will develop clinical depression.

It generally has an early onset beginning sometime in childhood, adolescence or early adulthood. There is a strong correlation that it is more common among first-degree biological relatives of people clinical depression than among the general population.

Men have a difficult time admitting that they are experiencing depression. They have been taught to hold onto their feelings through the culture of the society. They also generally have a biological disadvantage to identifying their feelings and putting them into words.

Their brains are designed to think linearly in order to triage easily and come to fast solutions. Therefore their brains somewhat sacrifice the ability to observe extended connections and draw connections to their feelings. The result is that men have a more difficult time placing words to their feelings.

They feel feelings as strongly as women, they just don't know how to identify them as easily. Hence, when men go into depression they tend to isolate more than women. They also tend to experience anger more when depressed than women. Men have been socialized in a way that anger is considered one of the few acceptable expressions of emotion. Therefore, it is not uncommon for men to appear grumpy or angry when they are depressed. They also are more action oriented than women, so they go into action by isolating, or throwing themselves into their work.

Men are taught to go it alone and tough it out. To seek out help is to appear weak. They are least likely to reach out for help when they most need it and could most benefit from it.

The suppression of these feelings and their internalization of them by men can lead to host of physical symptoms that can be made worse by their reluctance to care for themselves during these times due to a lowered sense of self esteem.

Women, on the other hand, have more access to their feelings as a result of their brain structure as well as the benefit of a culture that supports their expression of feelings. Women more easily recognize when they are feeling depressed and are more likely to reach out to other women or therapy for help over men.

However, women have a tendency to internalize and blame themselves, which may impede them to reach out for help. They have also been taught to sacrifice themselves for others and may then ignore their own feelings and not reach out for help.
There is also a tendency for women in depression to focus on the negative, which makes the symptoms of their depression worse and cuts them off from reaching out for help as a hopeless endeavor.

To help move yourself away from depression:

Check automatic thoughts. What is the evidence its true, what's the evidence its not true. Make a more reasonable statement by combining the two.
Volunteer and take the focus off yourself, get out of being internally focused.
Buy self flowers. Scents such as vanilla and baked bread have an uplifting effect.
Exercise.
How would you treat yourself if you were a friend?
Schedule pleasant events
Sometimes, it is anger turned inward to protect others around them from their feelings so they attack their mood with depression.
Meditation, exercise and proper nutrition are very helpful
Separate out facts from feelings, just because you feel something doesn't make it a fact. Sometimes our thoughts and feelings can lie to us about what is real.
Learn how to communicate with others better by reading books or going to therapy.
Get a therapist who you feel comfortable talking with.
Seek medical attention for your depression

I generally recommend seeing a psychiatrist for treating the medical aspect of depression. They are specifically trained to help you choose the best medication available for your condition if you choose to use medication. Milder forms of depression can be treated with psychotherapy alone, but more sever forms generally require a combination of both medication and psychotherapy for maximum benefit and recovery.

If you know of someone suffering from depression and you want them to seek help:

Be straight forward to tell them about the behaviors you are observing.

Do not stigmatize them by calling them crazy, or defective in some way.

Tell them that they are not alone and that many other people who have sought treatment for depression have been helped.

Do not judge them rather emphasize the benefits they might gain from receiving help, such as an improvement in their mood and feelings, improvement in their thoughts and greater success in their relationships and at work.

Give them hope.

From time to time, bring up the options and benefits for help.
Pass along articles that you find. Do this at a very measured pace. If you bring it up too often or are too forceful about it, it will only lead the person who is experience depression to isolate more or become more resistant to any form of treatment or help.
Show interest in their entire life, not just in whether or not they get treatment.

To help a resistant partner get help for depression, it is important for them to see the benefits of such help for themselves as well as for their family. It is important for the individual's family and or partner to have empathy for them and their experience.

Try to view their experience through their eyes without blaming them or telling them to snap out of it. It may be helpful to set a therapy appointment or doctor's appointment together. Don't blame them as the problem or refer to them as the sick one. This would only lead them to avoid receiving any kind of help in a bid to prove that they are OK on their own.

However, if someone staunchly refuses treatment, there is only so much you can do as long as they are not a danger to themselves or others. You can only do what you can do.

Talk therapy, usually referred to as psychotherapy, can be very helpful for all forms of depression. Marriage and Family Therapists, Clinical Social Workers, Psychologists and Psychiatrists are all qualified to treat depression through talk therapy.

The goals of therapy are to:
Improve mood and stability
Decrease irritability
Increase motivation and interest in life
Improve memory
Improve sleep in quality and pattern
Improve outlook on life
Improve energy
Improve clarity of thought and cognition
Improve sexual desire
Eliminate suicidal thoughts
Improve functioning at work, school and home

Psychiatrists are the only ones who are licensed to dispense medication and they generally limit their practices to handling the medical side of depression leaving the talk therapy side to MFTs, Social Workers and Psychologists.

For more information on depression log onto www.LAtherapist.com. For free samples and self-help audios, log onto the Dr. Walton Series at www.HypnoCD.com

The Importance of Feeling Our Feelings

Half the information we get from the world comes from our thinking, the other half comes from our feelings. When we cut ourselves off from our feelings (narcissism), we are cut off from half the information available to us in our world. By cutting off from our feelings, we cut off from the messages of our internal self.

No one outside of ourselves can control our feelings. Others may influence our thoughts and thinking, but our feelings emanate solely out of the core of our being. They are completely created within us. Our feelings are completely our own. They give us a sense of independence from others and define us as separate individuals. When we cut ourselves off from our feelings, we take away from our sense of independence. ‘

We lose our sense of personal independence when we cut off from our feelings because our only remaining information source, thinking, is vulnerable to the influence of the world around us. Thinking can be influence by others. When we are cut off from our feelings, we can only express our feelings through anger or maudlin sentimentality. Any other expression seems to threaten our sense of security. Those two expressions of feelings are then viewed as the only acceptable expression of feeling.

We can cut off from our feelings because they feel messy or they make us feel vulnerable or, for some reason, we were punished for feeling and expressing them when we were children. As a result, we cut off from our feelings to protect ourselves from feeling bad. Protecting ourselves by restricting feelings that make us feel bad, we become more dependent on our thinking for information about our world. Being more dependent on our thinking, we become more protective of it, which can lead to hostility with others if we feel they are threatening our sense of independence by influencing our thinking.

When thinking becomes the sole way of relating to the world, any feeling other than anger or sentimentality seems to threaten our sense of stability. We then shuttle our messy feelings farther and farther away from our awareness to protect ourselves from the discomfort they carry with them. The vulnerability we feel from our feelings is then seen as a threat to our independence. As we depend on thinking more and more, we grow more and more vulnerable to the influence of others affecting our thinking. This causes us to increasingly withdraw from connection with others. Thus, our efforts to protect ourselves by cutting off from feelings actually causes us to feel increasingly more vulnerable in the world as it causes us to withdraw from connection to others.

This vulnerability and the resulting disconnect from our world can be completely reversed by open up to our feelings. When we open up to our feelings, we are able to experience and express a greater range of emotion. We are then able to process information through our feelings as well as through our thoughts. Our feelings are generated solely within ourselves. No one else is in control of or responsible for our feelings. They are solely our own and allow us to feel a sense of independence over ourselves in our world.

Understanding and experiencing our range of feelings gives us more information about our world and in turn, because they emanate solely from us, we feel a greater sense of independence and differentiation from others. We don’t feel so vulnerable to others when we are able to recognize and value our feelings.

For more information on getting in touch with your feelings, log onto LAtherapist.com or for more information on self-help downloads, and to listen to free samples, log onto The Dr. Walton Series at HypnoCD.com. Check out the Free Affirmations.

Hidden Bias... the secret stumbling block

On Friday, the House passed the Gender-based Pay Discrimination Act for victims to sue for more money and require employers to meet a higher standard to justify pay disparities. This is an important piece of legislation to combat an insidious type of sexism that has been embedded deeply within the national consciousness. Many employers will find this legislation offensive because they do not think of themselves as sexist at all.

However, as the economy gets worse, we will see more sexism, along with all of the other "isms," coming out of the closet as well (statistics). The interesting thing is that the people who are sexist don't actually see themselves in that light at all. They have a sexist bias that is actually hidden from their awareness. They perceive themselves as behaving in a forthright and honest manner and see themselves as good people who would never be sexist. They are blind to their own sexist behavior. In other words, they believe that they would never “not hire” someone because they were a woman, or for that matter a man. However, they rationalize their not hiring of a particular individual (because of a sexist bias) by hyper-focusing on the detractors of that individual. These same detractors would be given less emphasis on someone with whom they did not experience a sexist bias.

This is called a confirmation bias. We use this bias to confirm our unconscious desired outcome. In the process, we unconsciously seek out the proof to support our bias while ignoring any contrary data. We believe we can’t be biased because we are “good guys” and therefore any reason we have for not accepting the other person is attribute to the evidence we have selectively culled out to form our opinion. This process is known as self-justification.

Their bias causes them to have a tendency to judge their recipient more harshly than another, although the biased individual is blind to this behavior. Their internal bias would have them ultimately reject the candidate out of the system for "other" reasons for which they feel well justified. This includes pay raises. This makes the bias self-reinforcing and therefore they never see that they are acting in a biased manner. They see themselves as being right and feel that any reasonable person would agree with their "rightness." To them, anyone who disagrees with their way of thinking is obviously not seeing the situation clearly.

In that same vein, we tend to hire and promote people who remind us of ourselves. In second place, we will hire and promote people who try to emulate us. For that reason, employers are frequently biased in their hiring, promoting and pay raise practices even when they sincerely protest such accusations. They, like most of us, are blind to their biases.

How do we know if we are biased? That is a very difficult thing to ascertain all on your own. Generally, these biases are blind spots in our personality that we just don’t see without some type of external source reflecting them back to us. The best way to discover biases is to talk to your friends. Ask them about their impressions of you and any biases they might detect. Also, listen very closely to criticisms you might receive from others. Criticisms often carry important information about the parts of ourselves that we don’t want to acknowledge. This information can have value even if it’s delivered in a negative way. The more reactive you are to the criticism, the more you may need to pat attention to what’s being said.

The way to overcome your newly discovered biases is to put aside your self-justifications and take responsibility for your behavior and address the problem.

For more information on understanding bias log onto LAtherapist.com or for more information on self-help downloads, and to listen to free samples, log onto The Dr. Walton Series at HypnoCD.com.

Tension and Stress Relief

By virtue of being alive, we are subjected to stress. It may be hard to believe, but a certain amount of stress in our lives is essential to our well-being. When we feel stress, it can be a strong motivator for making positive changes in our lives. It is a built in warning system that let’s know something is wrong and we need to make changes. We then make those changes and the stress is relieved.

However, there are times when we are not able to make the needed changes and we find it more difficult to adapt to our current environment. Often, we are not able to separate out facts from our feelings. We need to keep our facts and feelings separated. Just because we are having a feeling does not make it a fact. For instance, if you are feeling stupid, it does not mean that you are stupid in fact. But, confusing the feeling of being stupid as a fact will cause a person to feel anxiety and in turn bring more stress into their lives.

For any particular issue that is causing you stress, write down on a piece of paper all of your feelings associated with that issue then next to that list, write down all of the facts associate with that issue. In most cases, after doing this, you will see the situation more clearly and this will tend to reduce the amount of stress you are feeling surrounding that particular issue.
Our thinking often affects our feelings. By changing what we think, we can change how we are feeling, thus reducing stress.

If you find that you are having negative thoughts about a particular issue, try to change that thought to a more positive one by telling yourself something that feels better concerning the issue. Practicing a positive affirmation can do this.

Another way of reducing stress in your life is to schedule an activity you enjoy doing. Schedule to do it a little everyday. If you were not sure what that would be, take a moment and write down a list of all of the past activities you can think of that you have enjoyed doing. If possible, schedule one or more of those activities on a daily basis into your life.

For more information on stress relief log onto LAtherapist.com. For convenient self-help/hypnosis downloads for stress relief, or to listen to a free sample, log onto Tension Relief at HypnoCD.com. You may also want to check out Dr. Walton's sleep album, Stress Relief and Deep Sleep.

Orientation and Not A Choice:

In 1991 Simon Le Vey, the well known neurobiologist, discovered that homosexuality was biologically determined, as opposed to environmentally caused. He discovered that the hypothalamus of the average homosexual man was smaller than the one found in heterosexual men. This discovery lent strong credence to the biological theory of homosexuality in opposition to the old idea that homosexuality was caused by the environment or as choice made from a side effect of “weak” morals. People who have erroneously operated out of the belief that homosexuality was environmentally caused have cause irrespirable emotional and psychological damage to their gay children in a futile attempt to usurp nature.

This erroneous and archaic understanding implied, if not outright stated, that homosexuality is caused by poor parenting skills, something that anti-gay parents abhor. This belief maintains that homosexual men did not have a "normal" development and are therefore unhealthy. Certainly, no parent wants to be held responsible for causing such damage to their very own child.

Gay men have been made to feel as though they were somehow flawed right from the beginning of their childhood. If only they had the right and normal experiences when growing up, maybe they would have turned out "normal" in their sexuality like their heterosexual counterparts. This labeling and looking for causes for homosexuality has done more harm than good for the self-esteem of gay men and women. Just the suggestion of a cause for homosexuality implies the possibility of a "cure" for their "disorder." The self esteem of gay men and women is not served by such implied beliefs.

According to Richard A. Isay, M.D., the strained relationship between a gay child and the family may be a result, rather than the cause, of a child's development of homosexual orientation. It is a widely held belief backed by research that gay males experience a high proportion of hostile or withdrawing fathers. Isay, however, proposes that it is the fathers who are reacting to their sons' homosexuality with withdraw and hostility, rather than the hostility and anger causing the homosexuality. It is from this withdraw and hostility that the gay child begins to develop a lower sense of self-esteem.

Fathers of gay sons may become aware of their child's differences at some time in the early development of the child and have a sense that the child is closer to them than what they expected or for what society deems normal. Some fathers grow very uncomfortable with this sense of closeness or difference and reject the child through either withdrawing or by becoming hostile towards the child. It is the father's initiative to reject the child not the other way around. The reasons for this rejection has more to do with the father's sense of insecurity than with the child's actual "deviant" behavior.

It is also probable that the father feels some sense of responsibility and guilt for his son's being gay. It might be difficult for a father to face the son or even be able to stand the feelings that might be associated with the thought of having caused his son to be gay. Isay proposes that gay male children do go through an Oedipal phase of development, but it differs from the heterosexual experience in that the love attachment is to the father rather than to the mother. It is at this point that the father becomes uncomfortable with his son and begins the hostile or withdrawing behavior. Most gay men would deny this original erotic attachment to their fathers. This is apparently a natural aversion response children, straight and gay, have to incest. Rejection by the father is very confusing to a young gay child.

Gay sons have been accused throughout history as being mama's boys. Society shifts as much blame on the mother as on the father for raising a gay son. The mothers of gay sons are viewed as dominating, doting and castrating women. Popular belief has it that these women squelch the masculinity out of these boys so much that they do not know how to behave as men. It is also believed that gay men are afraid of women as a result of the behavior of their mothers.

Any way one looks at it, the mothers of gay sons are condemned by society, as much as, the fathers. It is no wonder that parents of gay sons feel a tremendous amount of shame when they discover that their child is gay. They are very much aware of how society will view them as parents. In many instances, they feel shame and anger over the child's admission of being gay which they direct to the child. Often they feel as failures having let their child and family down and that they have caused this to happen in some way.

If it were true that gay men had such oppressive mothers, they would probably not be able to handle relationships with women of any kind because of having projected the bad part of their mothers onto them. However, many gay men are able to seek out and enjoy healthy and fulfilling relationships with women. As a result, gay men have long been fervent supporters of women's rights. In a survey of 312 homosexual men three quarters of them had at least 1 heterosexual experience since puberty and 98 of those men were either married or living with a female lover for three months or longer (McWhirter & Mattison, 1984, p. 270).

In reality, the mother becomes the only ally the child has when the father rejects him. A mother may or may not be able to sense the child's latent homosexuality, but she can clearly recognize when the father is rejecting or hostile to the child. For these reasons, the mother may find herself defending the gay child in front of the father more often than she might with the other heterosexual children in the family. It is only common sense that if the child has been rejected by the father, he would seek out his mother for the attention he could not receive from his father. In many cases, it is actually the mother who requests that the son not tell the father. Although this may appear on the surface as a manipulation of the mother to distance the father from the son, in reality, the mother has been witness to the hostility of the father and in most cases is probably trying to protect the son from further assault and harm from the father.

If environmental causes are paramount for the creation of a gay child, then we would expect to see evidence of such a belief by a high rate of homosexuality in the other children who are growing up in the same environment. This has not turned out to be the case. Out of a study of 312 gay men, only two and a half percent of the siblings were known to be gay (McWhirter & Mattison, 1984, p. 182). That is one half to one quarter of the estimated percentage of gay people in the general population, which is estimated to be somewhere between 7% and 10% of the population. Such widely held beliefs beg the question, if environment is the cause, why are all of the children within this type of family not gay? Such a question seems to expose the unreasonableness of these archaic beliefs.

These kinds of experiences can be very damaging to a developing gay boy. As the child grows up and develops into an adult, the models he has had for relationships have been fraught with hostility, rejection and shame. The child now leaves the home, and hopefully at some point acknowledges his homosexuality and may desire to enter into a relationship with another man.

In conclusion, the hostility of the father and the protection of the mother are the result of the parents' reactions to the child's latent homosexuality rather than the cause of the child's gay orientation. It is the dysfunctional family constellation that pathologizes his future love relationships. However, a gay man who has experienced a tumultuous childhood, can overcome his liabilities of the past and enjoy a rich, fulfilling and healthy love relationship as can any human being. The only choice these individuals face is not in their orientation but whether or not to be honest.

For more information on sexual development and orientation log onto LAtherapist.com or for more information on self-help downloads, and to listen to free downloads, log onto The Dr. Walton Series.

REFERENCES

Clark, D. (1978). Loving someone gay. New York: New American Library.

Isay, R. (1989). Being homosexual: Gay men and their development. New York: Farrar, Straus, Giroux.

Lewes, K. (1988). The psychoanalytic theory of male homosexuality. New York: Simon and Schuster.

McWhirter, D. & Mattison, A. (1984). The male couple. Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice-Hall.

Beebe, J. (1993, March). The individuation of homosexuality. Unpublished lecture, Pacifica Graduate Institute, Carpinteria, CA.

Learning & Memory - Making it more effective

Learning and memory take place in three stages. The first stage is the sensory stage. In this stage, information is retained very briefly, less than one second. It is retained just long enough for us to develop a perception about the information.

The second stage involves the short term memory. It lasts about 30 seconds if we don’t rehearse the information we have just received. However, it is very limited. We will hold things in short term memory for only as long as we recite it in our minds. It is also limited to about seven items at a time. We can increase our short term memory by “chunking” information into units of items with no more than seven items per unit and limiting the number of units to seven. That is how phone numbers are organized. They are given three units with three to four numbers each such as 818-555-4444.

Where short term memory can be considered as the RAM of a CPU. Long term memory can be considered the hard drive. It is believed that long term memory is permanent. Everything that goes into the long term memory is considered stored forever. However, we may actually lose our ability to locate that information.

Even though long term memory is permanent, it may not be accurate. Over time and very slowly, our memory changes. You might consider tiny bits of information falling out over time and then being replaced by other bits. Over time, we believe we have an accurate memory when in reality it has changed slowly over time. To test out this theory, just ask any adult about a shared childhood experience with a sibling. More than likely, they will both have a different memory of the exact same experience and they will both staunchly believe that they their own memory is right. And to each of them it is. This is a simple demonstration of how memory can change over time.

The most important part of dropping information into long term memory is to be optimistic about learning. Give yourself positive self-talk about remembering the topic. You must also have the intention to remember something if you are going to place it effectively into long term memory.

If you are studying to learn a subject or to take an exam it is important that you only study for 50 minutes to an hour and then take a ten minute break. The break is essential for dropping the information into the long term memory. During that 10 minute break do something completely different. Relax, talk on the phone, listen to some music or go for a walk.

When you come back from your break, review the information that have just studied for a minute or two then go onto the new information you want to learn.

The brain can hold an infinite amount of information and knowledge. In fact, the more you learn the easier it is to learn even more.

We are able to place information more easily in long term memory when we attach new information to previously learned information. Long term memory works better if material is repeatedly gone over, over a long period.

When studying from a book, spend an hour reading while highlighting in different inks and taking notes in the margins of the book. We remember whatever stands out. So, make your notes colorful and scribble notes in the margins. After an hour, remember to take a 10 to 15 minute break. The breaks are as important as the study time.

It is also helpful to break information down into smaller, more manageable sections. Remember, short term memory can only hold up to seven units at a time. If it doesn’t pass through short term memory, it won’t pass through to long term memory.

Try using Acronyms so that you can remember groups of words together such as NBA for National Basketball Association, SCUBA for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus, etc.

It is also important to be relaxed when you study. If you are anxious, you cannot hold as much information in short term memory.

For more information on Dr. Walton log onto LAtherapist.com or for more information on his self-help downloads, and to listen to free samples, log onto The Dr. Walton Series.

Releasing Road Rage for a Better Driving Experience

Anger is an emotion that we are highly resistant to releasing. Once we are caught in its grasp we hold onto it by repeating the angering incident over and over in our head. Research has shown that people who suffer from chronic anger are almost three times more likely to have a heart attack than the average individual and this is according to the American psychological association.

However, our experience with anger doesn’t have to be this way. We can gain the upper hand of this emotion by changing the way we think and altering our emotional responses to it. When it comes to road rage, notice if your hands are gripping the steering wheel in an unusually tight manner. If they are, gently relax your hands while maintaining control of the steering wheel.

Notice your breathing. Notice if your breathing is free and easy or if you’re holding your breath and your breathing is shallow. By not breathing properly, we can amplify the physical sensations associated with aggression that can contribute to dangerous driving. It’s important for you to breathe deeply through your nose filling your lungs to their capacity and then exhale completely through your mouth. As you exhale allow your body to relax into a comfortable driving position. Repeat this often as necessary to help reduce any physical tension you may experience behind the wheel.

What we are listening to on the radio while we are diving is important as well. Often times, our mood will reflect or be affected by the words and style of the music we are listening to. Hard music with a driving beat often times will stimulate and agitate while music with a soothing melody will relax us. Soothing music is always preferable to listen to if you are feeling agitated while driving.

Whenever possible, make sure that you have fresh air ventilation circulating in the car. Circulating fresh air can have a calming effect. It is easy and common to feel a sense of isolation from our environment when driving behind the wheel of our car. We are separated from everyone around us and we lose touch with their humanity and view the other drivers as objects in our way intent on preventing us from arriving at our destination.

Often, we take their driving behavior personally, as if they were intending to block our path. This is not usually the case. Imagine for a moment, if you will, the annoying driver in front of you is actually a beloved relative, say your favorite grandmother. How would you be feeling towards them now? Can you think of a loving experience you shared with that individual at one time?

Notice your body’s reaction to this thought. Notice how your thoughts affect your feelings about the others around you when you do this. You may find you driving becoming more relaxed and your ability to focus grow stronger.

No matter how many obstacles you come across on your journey, whether you have a car cut in front of you or a driver driving unreasonably slow, you are always in control of your thoughts and actions and you can protect yourself and those around you by driving in manner that is safe and responsible.

Remember everyone around you is loved by somebody just as you love and were loved by your favorite relative. Feel those protective feelings as you are driving on the road.We have all experienced an aggressive driver, a sudden stop, an erratic gesture or other discourteous experience from another motorist. We’ve all been there, everyone you see around you has experience this for themselves at some point as well. Keep this in mind. Any frustration that you are experiencing on the road has been shared by others around you at some point during their own driving experience.
Will this frustrating experience really matter a week from now, is it worth arriving at your destination angry? Is it worth the risk of being involved in an accident?

Use this experience as a catalyst for changing your thoughts to change your mood to have a better day.

When driving and feeling some frustration, take a deep breath slowly through your nose and gently exhale through your mouth and tell yourself “I am in control of my thoughts and actions and my safety and the safety of my passengers is foremost in my mind as I bring us to our destination safely.”

For more information on anger management, log onto LAtherapist.com. To listen to free anger management sample downloads, log onto Anger Management.