Giving and Receiving: The Sacred Dance of Life

When we are feeling angry with our partner, the fastest way to release that anger and regain a loving attitude towards them is to do a simple act of giving.  Just by doing something nice for them, we focus our attention off of the obsessive quality of our anger and refocus into the loving feelings we have for them.  The act itself is a release that allows us to feel a greater sense of purpose in our chosen relationship.

Giving in general, such as simply opening a door for someone, allows us to regain a sense of missing personal empowerment.  We may not be able to completely control our environment, and we certainly cannot control another’s actions, but we can control whether or not we do something nice for another person.  And in doing so, we reconnect with that sense of personal power that has been eluding us.

No matter what spiritual beliefs you may hold; giving, and its inseparable partner receiving, were the first acts of creation in of our world.  It was the original experience.  And for a moment, it was the only experience.  From that simple act, all of life sprang forth.  Whether you believe it was God or some other cosmic force, we were the receivers of the gift of life.  As a result, it is the most basic and purist experience that reflects back upon our very beginning of existence.  Through it, we can honor and expand its meaning and presence in our lives.  It’s quite a powerful little tool we carry in our psychological back pocket. 

Depression - When individuals are depressed, they are focused inward on themselves.  They can become lost focusing internally on themselves.  Sometimes, we aren’t able to see alternative solutions because we have limited ourselves to running over and over an internal and unchanging landscape that offers no way out.  There is nothing in there to offer a different perspective.  It becomes self-reinforcing and we spiral further and further into our sense of despair and loneliness. 

Giving to another, then, becomes an effective and powerful way of bringing ourselves out of depression’s grasp.  In depression, we are fooled into thinking that we are alone.  The simple act of giving breaks us out of that framework and challenges the misguided perception that we are alone.  In the very act of giving, we are challenged to acknowledge that we are not alone.  That in and of itself gets us out of the way we had been thinking.  We start looking outside of ourselves.  Giving challenges us to acknowledge we are not alone.  That realization becomes the first step in the recovery and healing of depression.

Simply volunteering somewhere will allow you to tap into the power of giving.  And as you do, do not neglect your very important role as the receiver.  This kind of healing requires both giving and receiving.  Allow yourself to accept and fully enjoy the good feelings that come from giving and receiving.  For, if one only gives without receiving, it can be a way of feeling control over another or a way of defending the self from the good feelings that are generated from the other’s act of giving.

Sacrifice - It is the ultimate form of giving.  It literally means to make sacred.  That for which we sacrifice is made sacred.  Sacrifice, through out time, has been our way of interaction with the spiritual.  

The sacrifice of a mother for a child is the highest and most revered form of giving in our existence.  It touches the divine.  In the moment of that giving, you can ask any mother who has done so, the gift they receive in the moment of their sacrifice is an overwhelming sense of purpose in their life.  Within the suffering of their sacrifice, there is contained an indescribable joy and a moment where they experience and understand the depth and power of the love that they carry within themselves.   

Giving and receiving are inextricably joined together.  So by giving, we feel a greater connection to our world and in the process, it gives us the opportunity to find greater meaning in life.

There is quite a bit of research on the connection between giving and health.  People who have pets have been shown to live longer and live healthier lives than those who live alone.  Owning a pet requires us to be a caregiver of another life form.  As a caregiver, we are willingly taking on the role of giving.  People can say that the pet is giving to the owner as well.  That is absolutely true.  The pet owner is dynamically engaged in the dance of giving and receiving.  They are engaged in the dance of life.

                 

Some people have a difficult time receiving because they have unconsciously tied reciprocation expectations onto the gift.  There may be fear around feeling an obligation to return the gift and fears of their own inadequacy at doing so begin to surface. 

We are taught that it is more blessed to give than to receive, but it clearly does not say that receiving is not a blessed act as well.  In order for the giver to have the experience of giving, there must be a receiver who allows them to experience the act of giving.  To turn down a compliment, gift, etcetera, it actually prevents the giver from experiencing the intrinsic rewards of giving.  The unrequited giver hears in the subtext of the gift-refusal that their offering is unworthy. 

When we turn down a compliment, we are subtly telling the giver that they are wrong.  That kind of experience leaves both parties with a rather empty and unfulfilling experience. 

If you find that you have a difficult time receiving, and are willing to change and grow beyond that limiting belief, you can try the following simple exercise:

Every single day somebody will offer to you a simple act of kindness.  We are so conditioned to not receive that we often do not acknowledge or even recognize those moments when we are the recipient of a gift.  With this awareness, begin your day with a quest to find that simple moment that appears in you life.  It may be as simple as someone letting you into traffic or as large as being told how beautiful you look today. 

In either case, the first thing you can do is to recognize that a gift is being held out to you then tell yourself that you recognize it.  As you practice, you will begin to notice more and more of those moments of gift offerings in your life that you have been missing. 

If you don’t know what to say in that moment, simply say, “thank you” and do the best you can to tolerate the anxiety that might arise in you.  You do not need to say anything else, nor do you need to "match" their offering with an obligated return gift.  Giving is always done freely.  If it isn’t given freely, and you feel obligated to return it in kind, it becomes a sale and the sacredness of the moment is lost forever.

Dr. James E. Walton, respected Marriage & Family Therapist, TV & radio host, and author, has won multiple international awards for his fast selling album series including Best Album of the Year in self-help from the 2009 JPF Independent Music Awards, the largest independent music award organization in the world.  With hundreds of thousands of tracks sold, he is a leader in the field of self-help. For more information on Dr. Jim's self-help audios with free samples, log onto www.TheDrWaltonSeries.com.  For videos and more information on Dr. Jim, and to obtain free audio affirmations, log onto his website at LAtherapist.com. 

Coping with Holiday Stress & Blues

The holidays are approaching and it can be an exciting time. People are busy making plans to visit with loved ones, attend parties, throw dinners and travel long distances. The holidays are presented by the media as a magical time of fun and celebration. They are presented as a time of renewed connection with family members, partners and loves. We are fed images of shining happy faces who are meeting, greeting and exchanging gifts in front of a backdrop of abundance and welcoming arms. I say, “Sign me up!”

However, the reality we experience can be quite different. Generally, we are facing financial strains, time pressures and unresolved family issues as a result of the holiday season. I'm not saying this to take away of the magic we might experience during this time, however, these are real experiences that people face during the holidays. We tend to place so much pressure on ourselves to have a good time, that we end up having a miserable time from all the pressure we place on ourselves.

First, try to maintain a realistic perspective on what you are able and not able to do during the holiday season. Many times, people feel that they have to attend every invite they receive and this can become overwhelmingly stressful. Become clear on what you are willing and not willing to do. Pare down your commitments to what feels reasonable to you and what you are comfortably able to do. You may have to graciously decline some of the invites to keep your sanity and reduce your stress level. Prioritize what events and social gatherings are important to you and just do those. You don’t have to do everything that comes your way. After all, it’s not reasonable to stop your normal day to day schedule or cram it full just because it’s the holidays.

The holidays is a time when we gather with family. Many times, those families have lots of unresolved issues that can explode during the holidays. The reason is that the physical distance we have had from those members throughout the year has played a modifying effect on our reactiveness to them. Now, the holidays are here and we are forced to be together. Given the demand on our emotions and the other stresses around the holidays, we do not have the same emotional resources at our disposal that maintains our composure when under stress. We may find that we explode at family members with very little provocation.

To help get a better handle on the situation, do not force yourself to spend much time with people who irritate you. Be realistic. Your problems with a particular relative are not going to magically disappear because it’s the holidays. Reduce your exposure or avoid that person if you can. The holidays are not the time to work out your differences. There are too many other demands on your shoulders at this time. Should you choose to work out your issues with that individual, do it at a different, less stressful time.

Another good coping stratigy is to take many short breaks from family gatherings. Go out for a short walk or talk to a friend on the phone. Taking frequent breaks can help break feelings of rising tension and reduce stress enough to allow you to reenter the situation with your family with greater composure.

If you are under financial stress, cut back on the gift giving. Buying expensive gifts is very stressful if you don’t have the means and you will be paying off that gift into the next year causing you even more stress. The idea of giving a gift is about showing a gesture of love and thought. It is not about competing for attention or buying off someone. Small gifts can have a greater impact than large expensive gifts if you put some thought into the gift.

Putting thought into the gift means give some consideration into what kind of gift the recipient would appreciate that conveys to them that you understand their interests, likes and/or who they are as people. It’s a way of showing them you appreciate them and know something about them. When you give a gift that shows the other that you understand something about them, it is truly loved and appreciated.

The holidays can also be a time of great depression. The number of individuals suffering from depression tends to rise during this time. With society at large throwing warm welcoming families, abundance, and romantic love into the faces of those who may not have those things, it can be quite an upsetting experience. Who really wants to be reminded day in and day out on such a large scale that they lack any or all of those things. It can make us feel lonely, helpless and hopeless.

If you find yourself in that situation, you need to take stock of your expectations and make sure they're realistic. Don't expect more of yourself this time of year than you would at any other time. Take a break from holiday music and television specials if you find that they're turning you into "Scrooge."

Most people dread the holidays because their inner experience is so different from what is being hyped. You should trust your own instincts and don't try to be what you're not. Keep up your normal routine and know that this day will pass too.

If, however, you are unable to shake what you think are "holiday blues" your feelings may not be about the holidays, but about other things in your life. If you need help in sorting out or dealing with this issue, seek out a licensed therapist with the training to help you do so.

To help you cope over the holiday season, you may want to check out Dr. Walton’s free audio affirmations. To watch Dr. Walton’s videos on overcoming depression you may log onto his YouTube.com site listed at LAtherapist. To assist you in stress relief or anger management over the holidays you may check out his albums on Amazon.com and iTunes. For more information on Dr. Walton you may log onto his website at LAtherapist.com.

Overcoming Depression

Everybody experiences moments or even a few days of being down in the dumps and/or sad from time to time. This is a very normal experience we all have occasionally. People often refer to getting the blues as being in a depression.

However, clinical depression is a distinct experience from getting the blues. There is a difference between getting the blues and clinical depression. Anyone can get the blues.
It's a temporary, and normal, reaction to stress or difficult situations and times.

The blues come and go they usually don't affect our sense of self-worth or cause us to experience physical symptoms such as weight loss or gain or have suicidal thoughts.

As opposed to the blues, clinical depression is much longer lasting and is more intense affecting not only our mood, but our thinking, our bodies, our abilities to perform our jobs and our social interaction.

Clinical depression brings on feelings of inadequacy, generalized loss of interest of pleasure, social withdrawal, feelings of guilt or brooding about the past, irritability, excessive anger, decreased activity, effectiveness or productivity.

In children, it is observed in impaired school performance
and social interaction. They are usually irritable and cranky as well as depressed. They can also suffer from low self-esteem and poor social skills and are pessimistic.

Many people often don't recognize that clinical depression is a serious illness. They will frequently see it as character flaw in the individual, or something that you just need to buck up and get over.

It's not uncommon to hear someone tell them to just snap out of it. It's no easier for someone with clinical depression to just snap out of it than it is for someone with a broken leg to just get over it and walk. Clinical depression is a condition that needs to be treated professionally for the best recovery results.

Some depressions are a result of chemical imbalances in the brain and can be treated with anti-depressant medication.
Others respond to treatment in a one-on-one situation in psychotherapy along with improved nutrition and exercise.
And others could benefit from a combination of all of them.

In any case, clinical depression does not generally go away on its own and it requires some from of treatment for the best results.

Statistically, women are two to three times more likely to develop clinical depression than men. Over the course of a lifetime, approximately 6% of the general population will develop clinical depression.

It generally has an early onset beginning sometime in childhood, adolescence or early adulthood. There is a strong correlation that it is more common among first-degree biological relatives of people clinical depression than among the general population.

Men have a difficult time admitting that they are experiencing depression. They have been taught to hold onto their feelings through the culture of the society. They also generally have a biological disadvantage to identifying their feelings and putting them into words.

Their brains are designed to think linearly in order to triage easily and come to fast solutions. Therefore their brains somewhat sacrifice the ability to observe extended connections and draw connections to their feelings. The result is that men have a more difficult time placing words to their feelings.

They feel feelings as strongly as women, they just don't know how to identify them as easily. Hence, when men go into depression they tend to isolate more than women. They also tend to experience anger more when depressed than women. Men have been socialized in a way that anger is considered one of the few acceptable expressions of emotion. Therefore, it is not uncommon for men to appear grumpy or angry when they are depressed. They also are more action oriented than women, so they go into action by isolating, or throwing themselves into their work.

Men are taught to go it alone and tough it out. To seek out help is to appear weak. They are least likely to reach out for help when they most need it and could most benefit from it.

The suppression of these feelings and their internalization of them by men can lead to host of physical symptoms that can be made worse by their reluctance to care for themselves during these times due to a lowered sense of self esteem.

Women, on the other hand, have more access to their feelings as a result of their brain structure as well as the benefit of a culture that supports their expression of feelings. Women more easily recognize when they are feeling depressed and are more likely to reach out to other women or therapy for help over men.

However, women have a tendency to internalize and blame themselves, which may impede them to reach out for help. They have also been taught to sacrifice themselves for others and may then ignore their own feelings and not reach out for help.
There is also a tendency for women in depression to focus on the negative, which makes the symptoms of their depression worse and cuts them off from reaching out for help as a hopeless endeavor.

To help move yourself away from depression:

Check automatic thoughts. What is the evidence its true, what's the evidence its not true. Make a more reasonable statement by combining the two.
Volunteer and take the focus off yourself, get out of being internally focused.
Buy self flowers. Scents such as vanilla and baked bread have an uplifting effect.
Exercise.
How would you treat yourself if you were a friend?
Schedule pleasant events
Sometimes, it is anger turned inward to protect others around them from their feelings so they attack their mood with depression.
Meditation, exercise and proper nutrition are very helpful
Separate out facts from feelings, just because you feel something doesn't make it a fact. Sometimes our thoughts and feelings can lie to us about what is real.
Learn how to communicate with others better by reading books or going to therapy.
Get a therapist who you feel comfortable talking with.
Seek medical attention for your depression

I generally recommend seeing a psychiatrist for treating the medical aspect of depression. They are specifically trained to help you choose the best medication available for your condition if you choose to use medication. Milder forms of depression can be treated with psychotherapy alone, but more sever forms generally require a combination of both medication and psychotherapy for maximum benefit and recovery.

If you know of someone suffering from depression and you want them to seek help:

Be straight forward to tell them about the behaviors you are observing.

Do not stigmatize them by calling them crazy, or defective in some way.

Tell them that they are not alone and that many other people who have sought treatment for depression have been helped.

Do not judge them rather emphasize the benefits they might gain from receiving help, such as an improvement in their mood and feelings, improvement in their thoughts and greater success in their relationships and at work.

Give them hope.

From time to time, bring up the options and benefits for help.
Pass along articles that you find. Do this at a very measured pace. If you bring it up too often or are too forceful about it, it will only lead the person who is experience depression to isolate more or become more resistant to any form of treatment or help.
Show interest in their entire life, not just in whether or not they get treatment.

To help a resistant partner get help for depression, it is important for them to see the benefits of such help for themselves as well as for their family. It is important for the individual's family and or partner to have empathy for them and their experience.

Try to view their experience through their eyes without blaming them or telling them to snap out of it. It may be helpful to set a therapy appointment or doctor's appointment together. Don't blame them as the problem or refer to them as the sick one. This would only lead them to avoid receiving any kind of help in a bid to prove that they are OK on their own.

However, if someone staunchly refuses treatment, there is only so much you can do as long as they are not a danger to themselves or others. You can only do what you can do.

Talk therapy, usually referred to as psychotherapy, can be very helpful for all forms of depression. Marriage and Family Therapists, Clinical Social Workers, Psychologists and Psychiatrists are all qualified to treat depression through talk therapy.

The goals of therapy are to:
Improve mood and stability
Decrease irritability
Increase motivation and interest in life
Improve memory
Improve sleep in quality and pattern
Improve outlook on life
Improve energy
Improve clarity of thought and cognition
Improve sexual desire
Eliminate suicidal thoughts
Improve functioning at work, school and home

Psychiatrists are the only ones who are licensed to dispense medication and they generally limit their practices to handling the medical side of depression leaving the talk therapy side to MFTs, Social Workers and Psychologists.

For more information on depression log onto www.LAtherapist.com. For free samples and self-help audios, log onto the Dr. Walton Series at www.HypnoCD.com