Long-term vs. Short-term Memory - How to Maximize Both

           Short-term memory stores information temporarily in the mind.  Long-term memory stores information permanently in the mind.  Both properties are essential for high functioning in our society.

            Short-term memory retains information in terms of chunks, or items.  It is estimated that our capacity for short-term memory is for seven chunks, plus or minus two.  To increase the number of chunks in our short term memory takes serious effort. Anxiety and lack of sleep can actually interfere with short term memory.

            Long-term memory, however, has an unlimited capacity for information.  Information remains in short term memory only as long as we continue to think about it, information placed in long-term memory remains there permanently.  Once we have dedicated five to ten seconds of serious concentration to memorizing an item, it will remain in the long-term memory. 

            In order to retain this information in the long-term memory, we must be able to relate the information to information we already know. This is known as coding information.  Short-term memory does not have any coding processes.  Therefore, information is easily and quickly forgotten from the short-term memory.

            In our long-term memory, we are able to learn new information without forgetting old information.  In contrast, the short-term memory holds information only as long as a person is able to pay attention to it.  In both processes, however, we are able to experience an apparent loss of information.  In short-term memory, the loss of information may occur from either new incoming information or from decay due to not attending the old information.  In short-term memory, we are only able to retain a very small amount of information at any given time, so information can be lost quickly due to interference.  This differs from loss of information in long-term memory.

            Loss of information in the long-term memory is more due to a retrieval failure rather than an actual loss of the information.  When information is not coded in a way that is conveniently accessible, it appears to be forgotten by the long-term memory.  However, if the person were able to give himself the correct cues for retrieving the information, he would most likely be able to. 

            Both Long and Short term memory are involved in the Serial Position Effect.  This effect means that items given at the beginning and end of the list are better remembered than items given in the middle of the list.  Long-term memory is utilized at the beginning of the list because the information is given so much attention it is placed there.  Short-term memory is utilized at the end of the list because it is the last item and is temporarily held there until it is interfered with or removed form our focus.  Thus, information learned at the end of the list will be forgotten within a short period of time, however, the information learned at the beginning of the list will be retained because it has been committed to the long-term memory. 

            Both long-term and short-term memories are based in biological systems.  They are, however, theorized to be located in different areas of the brain.  It appears that long-term memory may be stored as concepts throughout the entire brain.  Opposed to short-term memory, which seems to be located in the hippocampus area of the brain.  When the hippocampus is removed from both sides of the brain, a person retains his long-term memory, however loses his short-term memory.   Therefore, there appears to be separate areas of the brain that control short and long term memories.

            Both long-term and short term memories work together through what is called the Duplex Theory.  Long-term memory can actually assist short-term memory through the use of mnemonics.  Mnemonics are retrieval and storage plans for dealing with information.  Information recalled from the long-term memory can be used to assist the short-term memory through mnemonics.  Mnemonics allow larger chunks of information to be formed though associations. 

            Once a mnemonic has been use for the retention of information, it can be called up and used by the short-term memory for creating a larger chunk of information.  The short-term memory can only hold approximately seven chunks of information.  However, if the long-term memory used a mnemonic device for memorizing the information, this information is brought into the short-term memory in larger chunks that allow more information to be held in the short-term memory at that time.  Thus, short-term memory can be expanded by drawing upon previously learned material stored in long term memory.  This affects a person's ability to chunk, and allows them to store information in larger chunks and therefore expands their working memory.  Relaxation and meditation exercises can be very helpful for improving both short and long-term memory.

            The long and short-term memories work together and separately to maximize the capacity of our learning processes.  They each have different tasks that they perform in our memory functions.  Both are essential for our success at functioning independently in this world.              

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Introduction to Dr. Jim and Feeding Your Relationship

 

For more information on Dr. Jim's self-help audios with free samples, log onto www.TheDrWaltonSeries.com.  For more information on Dr. Jim, and to obtain free audio affirmations, log onto his website at LAtherapist.com.

Death As A Way of Knowing Life

         For centuries, scientific linear thinking has been dominating our way of understanding the world.  Linear ways of knowing life implies a beginning and an end.  This process has led us away from understanding holistic harmony with the earth into an area where life is understood only through isolating its parts.  Linear ways of knowing life implies a beginning and an end.  Thus, if life is going to have an end, we do not hold ourselves accountable for it and feel no need to understand ourselves on a deeper level since it will end anyway.  

            To understand what I’m saying more clearly, consider an elephant.  Linear thinking requires that we kill the elephant and study its individual parts by removing them from the body such as its heart, lungs, etc.  In that process, we have removed the elephant from its interaction with the environment in an effort to understand the elephant without the extraneous contaminating influences that surround it.  However, a holistic way of understanding the elephant would be to observe it in its environment and consider the environment as an essential component of what it means to be an elephant.  

            We are now challenged to take accountability for our actions and reawaken through holistic ways of knowing to understand our harmony with life.  Our linear ideas of understanding our world are being challenged through our encounter with death.  For linear thinking, death is the unquestionable end.  In holistic thinking, death leads us back to the beginning; it is part of the environment that is an essential component of what it means to be alive.  Through understanding death, we are brought into a search for greater meaning in our lives while being directed to reconnect with the world around us. 

            That we are born implies that we will die.  However, the knowledge of our own demise is a subject we choose to avoid in our current thinking.  Such thoughts only raise our level of anxiety since death is perceived as the end. 

            As children, we generally have no knowledge of death before the age of three.  By the age of nine, almost all children realize the inevitability of death.  How a child relates to and handles the subject of death has much to do with the influence the parents and society have exerted about the topic.  However, the fear of death seems to be a universal one. 

            Death brings with it a sense of powerlessness that can be terrifying to the average person.  It is a fear that is only made worse by our current linear thinking about death.  Linear thinking distances us from what we want to know in order to understand it.  This form of thinking removes that which we want to know, death, from its natural context of daily life.  By doing so, our scientific thinking has actually removed death from our daily lives, thus removing the familiarity and understanding that comes from such intimate contact with it. 

            Scientific thinking is linear.  It affords no hope of rebirth from death.  To that way of thinking, death is the end.  Such ways of knowing death can strike terror into the heart of the average person.  It is therefore not understood as a circular part of life as holistic ways of thinking would have it, but it is removed from life and becomes a stranger to our existence.  It is a stranger that we fear.  Since we do not have control over this stranger, we decide to remove it from our sight completely.

            In the 15th century, linear perspective was developed and vision became the primary way of knowing.  That tradition of linear perspective continues today.  We choose to deny death by removing it from our line of vision.  We do so by removing the elderly and placing them in nursing homes and placing the terminally ill in hospices.  We even remove the process of dying from our vocabulary.  Many people cannot even say the word cancer when referring to a dying acquaintance, or if they do, the words are mentioned in a hushed voice.  The action of whispering implies the removal of the dying from our lives and consciousness.  We do not want to know death when using scientific thinking as our way of knowing, because it means the end.

            Nursing homes are frequently established in areas zoned for business away from the daily life of neighborhoods.  Therefore, they are removed from our daily lives.  Hospices, however, are designed to be established in residential neighborhoods affording the terminally ill the sense of belonging in a community. 

            Both cancer and AIDS hospices have extreme difficulty opening in neighborhoods.  The neighbors are highly resistant to these facilities being place near their homes.  Their resistance does not come from any trouble these facilities have been known to cause, or because they are capable of spreading a disease in their neighborhood, but because these facilities are a reminder of death.  Hospices are places were people go to die.  They represent the helplessness we have over death.  Thus, the neighbors fight, because they do not want to know death.  They wish to remain innocent of its existence.  All forms of knowing set up a tension between the call to know and the desire to not know.

            However, we cannot hide from death.  We have consciousness, and with consciousness, comes awareness of our own demise.  Knowledge of our death, has forced us to leave the paradise of ignorance.  To gain knowledge we must leave the paradise of innocence.  To leave this innocence for knowledge we are cursed and wounded.  The wound is the awareness of our own demise.  We are then cursed to carry that knowledge with us the rest of our lives.

            Our scientific ways of viewing death have cut us off from our intimate understanding and awareness of death.  It is no longer a part of our lives; we have removed it from nature.  It is isolated and relegated to the world of hospitals and doctors.  It is relegated to the world of science.  Death is treated as separate from life and thus it is removed from our lives.  We have lost our holistic connections with death through scientific thinking. 

            Today, in the 21st century, we are being confronted with our own mortality on a massive scale through natural disasters, disease on a massive scale, war and environmental destruction.  People who have been diagnosed with terminal cancer are directly confronted with the knowledge their own mortality. The diagnosis of cancer is on the rise.  In fact, a recent study states that by 2030 the number of cancer deaths that year will be double what they are today.  The diagnosis of cancer is on the rise.  Those of us who are aware of someone with cancer are confronted with our own mortality.   

            It is impossible to not be aware of cancer if one is connected to society.  Cancer is mentioned on a daily basis on the television, radio, newspapers and magazines.  To be connected to society today, one is connected to cancer and death.  Knowledge of death is being forced into our lives on a massive scale.

            People with AIDS more than any other disease are shunned from society.  Stories of firebombing homes and pulling children out of school where a child with AIDS attends are commonplace.  These people are unwelcome living reminders that we live with death.  Rationally, people know that AIDS is not spread casually.  Our logical minds tell us that we are in no danger from those people.  People just do not want to know death and they are willing to go to extremes to avoid being confronted with their own mortality.  

            Holistically speaking, death on a massive scale is brought into our living rooms every night through war, terror and disease and it confronts us with the cycle of life.  It becomes a step in our growth.  Death then becomes a part of the cycle of life and rebirth. 

            Modern man does not want to know about himself.  Such knowledge would only lead him deeper into self-awareness and feelings that would lead him out of the paradise of ignorance into the curse and wound of knowledge.  Man has become lazy as far as understanding himself and looking deeper into his meaning.  Terrorism and war have become a way for consciousness to dramatize the fact by striking those considered with the most life, civilians and soldiers in the prime of life, with sudden death.  This, in turn, causes the rest of us to search deeper for the meaning in life. 

            The death of the elderly is easy to over look.  We expect the elderly to eventually die, and we can remain numb to the fact through our own youth by not being able to identify with them.  However, war and terrorism strikes down mainly the young and the healthy.  Death has now moved from the unidentifiable realm of the elderly and has entered into the world of youth.  Youth is the section of our society that we most wish to identify with.  Now, to identify with youth, we are confronted with death.  In many ways, our view of youth is superficial. We mostly focus on outward youthful appearances.  Our having to confront death in the face of youth leads us deeper into Self and away from superficiality.

            Constant war, terrorism and environmental destruction have become symptoms of the world losing contact with its soul.  Our linear thinking has pulled us far away from our connection with the earth by separating us away from that which we want to know. 

            We have lost the holistic way of knowing our subjects through intimacy and love.  We have "tortured Nature for her secrets" and removed all sense of soul from our discoveries.  Humankind has become more self-centered and less community oriented over the past few centuries. 

Individuality involves the capacity to experience the physical, as well as, emotional differences from others.  To experience individuation, one must be left in the original context of his environment, as individuation implies the preexistence of a relationship from which one is to individuate.  Scientific thinking does not have the capacity to acknowledge differentiation in terms of relationships, since scientific knowledge is derived by separating the subject from its environment.  Therefore, as scientific ways of knowing are dominant in this culture, the differentiation of individuals is not an encouraged way of being. 

            Scientific thinking has led to our alienation from one another through distancing.  This form of knowledge does not allow for emotions to assist in our understanding.  In scientific thinking emotions are moved outside of one's self. Holistically, death is a process that leads to the withdraw of our interaction and towards our individuation due to the change in our environment.  Thus, death becomes a way to force those left behind to individuate.  It forces us to experience our individuation and confront our anonymity.

            The disfigurement of the body by diseases such as cancer can correspond to the disfigurement we are wrecking upon the earth.  The earth, like the body of a cancer victim, is dying from wounds, toxins and neglect. 

            The soul of the earth, like that of man, is calling out for more connection.  The affliction of cancer, terrorism, constant war and wide spread disease are causing some people to get in touch with their compassion and love for others and for the Earth.  True acts of compassion for those suffering from disease and disaster are taking place.  Disease and disaster are helping us to reconnect with the compassionate and loving parts of ourselves that we have long neglected. 

            A person with a terminal illness realizes that his or her time is short and so often will drop the pretenses and superficial values of the world for more honest and intimate quality time with those they love.  In doing so, they reintroduce us to the value of intimate relationships and drop the walls of anonymity that keep distance between people. 

            It has been found that those people who eat more whole foods and take more rest and move with the rhythm of life with a more accepting attitude while letting go of anger live healthier longer.  From a holistic perspective, they have become messengers of the collective unconscious directing us to simplify our lives and reconnect with the earth. 

            The afflictions of constant war, environmental disaster, terrorism and cancer have brought the awareness of death into the hub of modern society and away from the isolation of the elderly.  It has become a symptom of suffering by the soul of the world.  It is a sign to draw our attention away from the superficialities of life and to look deeper into the interconnectedness of the world.  It  is drawing us away from linear scientific thinking and its separation from nature to a more holistic way of knowing which embraces life and moves in harmony with it.   It embraces life and all that goes with it.  To live with harmony and respect for all life and its forms while remaining open to feeling and hearing the voice of the world is to live holistically with all life.  That seems to be our greatest challenge and lesson of life today in knowing our world through holistic understanding and preserving our future.

Dr. Walton's latest album, Healing from Grief and Finding Peace in Your Life, was just released. Check it out on iTunes, Amazon.com, and CDbaby for free samples. For more information on Dr. James E. Walton you may log onto his website at LAtherapist.com There you will find free affirmation downloads, videos, self-help CDs and helpful topical pages for you to explore.

Three Ways to Help A Loved One Lose Weight

I am very grateful to the French film students who edited this video.  I hope you enjoy it and are able to forgive a few typos and glitches that came out of some difficulties in the translation and learning process. 

For more information on Dr. Walton's international award-winning album "Ultimate Weight Loss," you can log onto the site and hear free download samples.   Press Release


For more information on Dr. Walton's self-help audios with free samples, log onto www.TheDrWaltonSeries.com.  For more information on Dr. Walton, and to obtain free audio affirmations, log onto his website at LAtherapist.com.

How Can Hypnosis Help?

What Is Hypnosis?

Hypnosis is a pleasant state of relaxation created with words allow the subconscious mind to be receptive to positive suggestions in its thought processes.

Suggestions given under hypnosis are more powerful than those given when the person is conscious, because the suggestions are given directly to the subconscious mind.

Under hypnosis, people are not asleep. They are actually awake. They are aware of everything going on around them and of everything that is being said to them. If asked, they could recall everything that took place while under hypnosis. Hypnosis is a natural state that we all experience everyday.

How Does Hypnosis Work?

Hypnosis allows you to enter a heightened state of suggestibility to create more effective communication with the subconscious mind, the area where all of your habits and impulses are formed. Hypnosis makes it easy to replace unwanted habits and impulses with more positive relaxed ones.

Is Hypnosis Dangerous?

No. Under hypnosis, you are aware of all of the suggestions you receive. You will not do anything that is against your well-being or safety. Should an objectionable suggestion be given while under hypnosis, you would either ignore the suggestion or would bring yourself out of hypnosis.

What Can Hypnosis Do For Me?

Stress is a leading cause of the breakdown in communication between individuals and leading cause of self-destructive behaviors. Hypnosis can help to reduce the stress that can lead to improved interpersonal communication and better thought processes for decision-making.

People who experience a sense of low self-confidence often find difficulty succeeding in their careers, relationships and other social interactions. Hypnosis can help people stop negative patterns of communication and help in creating gr3eater differentiation allowing a person to reduce their emotional reactivity and gain more self-confidence. This allows them to handle stressful situation in a more calm, rational and relaxed state.

Hypnosis is also very useful when used in combination with psychotherapy fore overcoming weight and eating issues as well as releasing undesirable habits that interfere with what you want out of life.


For more information on hypnosis and to listen to free samples of Dr. Walton's self-help series log onto TheDrWaltonSeries.com. you can also follow his daily tips on Twitter@LAtherapist. For more information on Dr. Walton and to get free audio affirmations for self-empowerment, log onto his website at LAtherapist.com.

Helping A Friend Who Has Been Through A Trauma

Any on of us may break down if we experience enough stress.  When conditions of overwhelming stress occur, even a previously stable individual may develop temporary psychological problems.  An individual will usually recover easily once the stressful situation is over.  In some cases, there are longer lasting effects that increase vulnerability to stress leading to a reduction in job satisfaction and poor interpersonal relationships.  

This is a blog on how to observe the warning signs of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and not becoming over-involved with a friend’s problem and how to refer them to professional counseling.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) can be experienced by people exposed to earthquakes, sexual assaults, plane crashes, automobile accidents, fires, etc.  These individuals experience psychological “shock” reactions and show signs of stress.  Symptoms frequently occur after a trauma.  People with this disorder might experience anxiety ranging from mild to severe anxiety when situations are presented that recall the traumatic event.

People who have been subjected to trauma often experience chronic tension, irritability, fatigue, and/r insomnia.  Often, persons experiencing PTSD will experience nightmares that directly or symbolically represent the traumatic incident.  Other symptoms include lack of concentration, memory loss and feelings of depression. 

Therapeutic intervention with a therapist right after the trauma can greatly reduce the chances of an individual experiencing PTSD.  It is important for the individual to talk about the event as much as they need to.  It is also a good idea for them to begin to write their feelings down on paper.  It is also important to allow them to express their anger over the situation.  All of this should be done in conjunction with a competent therapist.

The best way to assist someone whom you suspect of having PTSD into therapy is to ask them a question concerning therapy such as, “Have you thought about getting some counseling on that subject?”  Talk openly about what they are experiencing without judgment about going for counseling.  This will allow them to feel supported by you and may be the best advice they have yet received.

Making a direct statement such as, “You need therapy!” mighty be too confrontational and do neither of you any good.  It might lead to an argument, or at best, alienate your friend from any chance of reaching out for professional help.

Effective therapy can help them overcome feelings of loneliness, low self-esteem and depression while helping them move in a positive direction where they feel more confidence in themselves and more control over their life situations.  Therapy can also help them move out of being and feeling like a victim in life into a place where they are able to ask for what they want while gaining the respect of those around them.

For more information on trauma and anxiety and to listen to free samples of Dr. Walton's self-help series log onto TheDrWaltonSeries.com.  you can also follow his daily tips on Twitter@LAtherapist.  For more information on Dr. Walton and to get free audio affirmations for self-empowerment, log onto his website at LAtherapist.com.

Empower Yourself through Assertiveness

Learning to make assertive responses will reduce the anxiety you may feel in dealing with others.  Assertive behavior does not push others around, deny their rights, or injure other people.

A daily record of your assertiveness will help you judge you progress over time and after a few weeks,you will have a lot of information about your progress.  Write down those situations you can handle easily and those which are troublesome.  Be aware of attitudes, behaviors and obstacles.


ELEMENTS OF ASSERTIVENESS

• To promote equality in human relationships
• To stand up for yourself
• To express feelings honestly and comfortably
• To exercise personal rights
• To not deny the rights of others

COMPONENTS OF ASSERTIVE BEHAVIOR

• Eye contact
• Body posture - relative power is emphasized by standing or sitting
• Distance/physical contact
• Gestures
• Facial expression - face should agree with the message
• Voice tone
• Fluency
• Timing
• Content - Take responsibility for your feelings, don't blame the other

HELP FOR HANDLING THOUGHTS

• Give yourself a positive soothing message before a difficult task.
• When bothered by an unwanted thought, shout "STOP" and switch to more pleasant thoughts.  Also, X-out the thought and replace it with "I am willing to love and respect myself."
•  X-out any negative self-attacking thoughts and replace them with the opposite positive thought.

For more information on assertiveness and to listen to free samples of Dr. Walton's self-help series log onto TheDrWaltonSeries.com.  you can also follow his daily tips on Twitter@LAtherapist.  For more information on Dr. Walton and to get free audio affirmations for self-empowerment, log onto his website at LAtherapist.com. 

As A Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I Have Just One Question to Maggie Gallagher, President of The National Organization for Marriage: "What’s It All About Maggie?"

These words are inscribed in walls of the Jefferson Memorial in Washington, DC.  They were spoken by Thomas Jefferson and immortalized in marble because those words are the true intentions of the founding fathers for creating a nation that is both tolerant and flexible.  We would do well today to take in and live by what he so eloquently spoke over two hundred years ago.  If you click on the photos, they will enlarge so you can read for yourself what he said.
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Emotionally healthy people don’t have an obsessive preoccupation with the sex lives of others.  Then again, emotionally healthy people don’t hide their families from public view, unless they are trying to manufacture a deceptive appearance for public consumption.  I doubt Ms. Gallagher would pander to such base levels so there must be another reason for the conspicuous absence of her eldest child (the page was removed after this publishing) and  husband at, the so called,  public family gatherings that function as rallies for banning the recognition of same-sex couples.  I would imagine that she regards her followers as up-standing, open minded and accepting individuals, so why the apparent shell game with her family when same-sex couples honestly and openly declare their love for their partners before God, country and the news media? 

Another curious issue for someone with the so called traditional values that she claims to promote, is that she doesn’t take on her husband’s last name publicly.  Instead, she presents herself to her followers with her maiden name, Maggie Gallagher and not Maggie Srivastav.  Srivastav is her married name.  

Her agenda calling for the banning of same-sex civil marriage is allowed in a free and open society, but what is the point if she has to create mistruths, conceal personal agendas, and fabricate history to achieve her goal?  Also, she has not revealed to the public where she derives her funding.   Her organization, the National Organization for Marriage even defies court orders to reveal who their donors are. The Mormon Church and Catholic bishops could be the leading suspects.  Is it possible that they are trying to redefine civil marriage along their own “traditional” theological teachings and impose their will through civil law on all Americans?  

Certainly, no one has benefited more than Ms. Gallagher/Sirvastav when it comes to an inclusive civil marriage law.  I find it ironic that she, herself, had a child out-of-wedlock and is currently married outside the Christian faith to a Hindu husband.  How dare she complain that others are trying to change the definition of marriage.  Clearly she has taken maximum advantage of the civil marriage laws afforded her but now advocates passionately to deny that same right to others.

Simply put, the goal for civil equality is quite open and honest about its intention.  It’s about attaining civil marriage equality for all people.  No hidden agendas, no shell games, and no public deception for mass consumption coming out of a hidden agenda to sell books, or attain fame, or public office and no more victimizing of others.  It’s simple goal is to attain civil equality for everyone.  An equality that allows all individuals, such as Ms Gallagher/Sirvastav, to stand before the public view without fear of shame or judgment for the individual they love and chose to make a life commitment with through civil marriage.

I was watching her debate marriage issues with Andrew Sullivan on a conservative panel at the invitation of the conservative think tank Cato.com and was struck by a realization:  She has no formal education, to my knowledge, on the topic.  She graduated Yale University in 1982 where she earned a B.A. in Religious Studies.  A B.A. In Religious Studies from Yale is a respectable degree, but it doesn’t qualify her as an authority on interpersonal/marital relationships such as a Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy, or a Masters of Social Work, or a Doctorate in Clinical Psychology would have afforded her.  She simply does not hold any degree higher than a Bachelor’s in Religious Studies. 

While at Yale, she belonged to the "Party of the Right" in the Yale Political Union.  I’m sure that she made many fine contacts with some very influential people during that time.  It may have even garnered her favor with the Bush Administration when they paid her ten’s of thousands of dollars from the Department of Health and Human Services in 2002 and 2003 to promote George W. Bush’s marriage initiatives.  But when she testified before Congress in favor of those programs, she never disclosed those  payments. 

Why was that?  It was my impression that social conservatism steadfastly stood against such shameful behavior as misleading others, acting as an authority when one is not, and premarital sex.  All of which she advocates for in others but apparently fails to follow for herself.  Maybe, the times they are a change’n, or maybe it is something else.

Just because she serves as president for the Institute for Marriage and Public Policy does not mean that she is qualified to theorize on or make healthy public policy decisions on the topic of marriage.  One may become head of the military of the United States by simply becoming president of the country without ever completing a competent stay of service.  As a nation, we all have experienced the fallout from the bad decisions and incompetence that have come out of those situations.  Had she completed an education in marriage and family studies or clinical psychology, she may have enriched herself with a more complete understanding of the emotions, lives and loves of all fellow human beings. 

Projection is a very insidious thing.  We don’t even know that we are doing it when we do it.  By its very nature, it is designed to create a wall of denial for ourselves distancing us from acknowledging the very behaviors within ourselves that we so vehemently abhor in others.  By attacking it in others, we can buy ourselves some relief from the internal conflict that has us in its grip.  The relief is only temporary however.  Unless we come to terms with it, we will continue to demonize others in a desperate bid to gain some relief. 

I wonder if there was a time in her past when she loved someone very much that she couldn’t have.  People tend to do to others that which was done to themselves.  Her actions against same sex couples may carry some of that tenor.  Her apparent desire to denigrate and dismiss relationships that she considers non-traditional, although she herself is involved in relationships that would be considered non-traditional by her own standards, reeks of resentment.  “If I can’t have it, why should you” is a pattern in people who feel a sense of helplessness in unrequited desires.  Of course, if this is the case, she has made it an obsession on a national scale affecting the private lives of millions of people. 

Affecting millions of people through an individual’s personal self-loathing is nothing new.   Just recently, State Senator Roy Ashburn (R-Calif.) was arrested at 2 AM for drunk driving after being seen leaving a gay nightclub in Sacramento, CA while driving a state owned vehicle accompanied by a male companion.  He later divulged that he was in fact gay and hiding the fact from the public, his family and maybe even himself.

To quote CBS13 The CW31     

“Ashburn served six years as a state Assemblyman before being elected to the State Senate.  According to Project Vote Smart, Ashburn's voting record shows he has voted against every gay rights measure in the State Senate since taking office including Recognizing Out-Of-State Same-Sex Marriages", Harvey Milk Day and Expanding Anti-Discrimination Laws.”

How much more clearly can I make my point?  People are simply not interested in the sex lives of others if they have already dealt with their own internal conflicts.  Healthy people want others to have healthy lives, and healthy lives include healthy relationships and sex lives that are not up for moral victimization by those who have something to hide from the public or profit from a hidden agenda. 

When it comes to the repeal of the Defense of Marriage Act, this short video makes some very compelling and concise statements.  NOM Called Out on Deceptive Ad.

If you would like some excellent talking points for dealing with this bigotry please check out Dr. John Corvino's short video.  You can also check out the spiritual perspective on this topic by Father Geoff Farrow at www.FatherGeoff.com.

So... What’s it all about Maggie?


For more information on James E. Walton, Ph.D. log onto his website at www.LAtherapist.com.  For information on his self-help series, log onto www.TheDrWaltonSeries.com.

Recovering from Grief and Moving Forward in Your Life

Grief arises as a rumbling deep from within our soul as we take in the experience of loss.  Without it, our soul is numb, for grief deepens and expands our experience in life as we are changed through the meaning we give it.  It softens the hardened heart bringing forth a greater understanding and empathy for others. 

By allowing grief to soften the heart, it is no longer entrapped by irrational demand to control and impossible outcome, but is freed to form a new sense of compassion and empowerment.  We are awakened to a new perspective our our wold that we would not have had without the experience of grief.

That we love implies that well will grieve.  There are times that only through the depth of our grief are we able to truly see the depth of our love.  To understand love, one must also understand grief.

Grief: an encasement of sorrow surrounding us like a tight fitting blanket; black, encasing us in endless pain and sadness.  We lose sight of our direction and lose touch with our souls.  Hidden behind the darkness of our emotions a dark veil of disconnection descends between us and the inner light of our being.  Within the shadow of grief we cook and grow, fostering a reemergence as a seed protected within its cocoon like shell.  Hard and alienated, life continues to well within.  Awaiting the moment of life giving water allowing it to break its shell and come forth into the world anew and vibrant. 

We are not alone in the world with our grief.  Everyone on the planet experiences grief at some point in their lives.  Because we love, we form attachments with others and we experience grief when those attachments are broken.  If we had formed a bond, then we will experience grief if it is broken.

Grief is an essential process for healing from a loss.  Experiencing grief is unavoidable if we are to heal.  Grief is the process that allows us to take in the reality of the loss unchaining us from the past and allowing us to move forward in our own life.

We may not want to accept what has occurred.  We may become angry about it; and in that process, we connect with feelings that reveal to us the depths of our love for that individual.

As our loss sinks deeper, hopelessness, deep sadness and depression reveal themselves to us.  We shut down and go quiet allowing the healing to begin on the inside.  We are now acknowledging our loss and in the process we are slowed by depression eventually allowing us to come to acceptance over the loss that has occurred.  It is a slow cooking process, not to be hurried.  It is a sign that we are healing.

As we come to acceptance, we release our demand on a different outcome.  Acceptance doe3s not mean that we like the outcome, but we stop fighting our loss and that gives us permission to move forward and join life again. 

With the dawn or our acceptance, we reach out to others.  We reaffirm our current relationships and we engage in forming new ones.  We once again address our own needs.

Find those things that you enjoy, allow yourself to take a rest from your emotions without placing judgment on yourself.

Dr. Walton's latest album, Healing from Grief and Finding Peace in Your Life, was just released. Check it out on iTunes, Amazon.com, and CDbaby for free samples. For more information on Dr. James E. Walton you may log onto his website at LAtherapist.com There you will find free affirmation downloads, videos, self-help CDs and helpful topical pages for you to explore.

Grief Recovery: Coming to Acceptance

Grief is something we will all experience in our lives.
Because we live, form attachments and love, we experience grief when these attachments and bonds are broken.

It makes little difference how the bond was broken. If we had formed a bond, then we will experience grief if it is broken.

Our experience of grief is an essential process for healing from a loss. Experiencing grief is unavoidable if we are to heal.

Everyone experiences grief in their own time and manner. Through the processes of grief, we both cry and laugh as we remember the individual. It is a process of integrating the reality of the loss into our lives in a way that allows us to move forward in our own life.

During the first part of the grief, we may not want to accept the reality of what has just occurred. It seems unreal, unfathomable.

We then may enter a place where we feel angry with the other person for leaving us and we feel abandoned or victimized. Under that anger is our pain. It’s another indication of how deeply we loved that person. This is good, because we are getting in touch with our feelings and it shows us that we did love that person and we’re angry at their loss.

We may then try to make deals with God or ourselves to bring them back, for instance, “I promise to go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life if you just bring him back.”

As the reality of the loss sinks deeper into our consciousness, we may experience a feeling of hopelessness, deep sadness and depression. This is the phase most commonly recognized in the grief process.

This phase allows us to shut down and go quiet so that we may heal on the inside. We’re finally acknowledging the loss but we’re physically and mentally slowed down by the depression. This slowing down process, brought about by the depression, allows us to gradually come to the acceptance of what has actually occurred. This is a very important part of healing from the loss and should not be rushed or avoided. Ultimately, it’s a sign that you’re healing.

At times, it can feel as if we’re going through all of these phases at once and other times, it can feel as if we’re jumping around from one to the other in no particular order.

Finally, at some point, we experience a sense of acceptance for the loss. Acceptance doesn’t mean that we like it, but we stop fighting our loss, and that gives us permission to move forward and live. When we come to acceptance, we once again begin to listen to, and take care of, our own needs. We reach out to others, we reaffirm old relationships and we engage in new ones.

In the meantime, find those things that you enjoy doing, that give you a sense of rest from your emotions, and do those things without casting judgment on yourself.

Dr. Walton's latest album, Healing from Grief and Finding Peace in Your Life, was just released. Check it out on iTunes, Amazon.com, CDbaby for free samples and other online outlets. For more information on Dr. James E. Walton you may log onto his website at LAtherapist.com There you will find free affirmation downloads, videos, self-help CDs and helpful topical pages for you to explore.

Near-Death Experiences: The After Life

The focus of my dissertation research was on near-death experiences as a rite of passage toward spiritual maturity. It is available for your enjoyment through the link at the bottom of this post.

Having an awareness that there are things out there in life hidden from our view creates for me a mystery. Mysteries bring a sense of awe. Experiencing the awe of a mystery can have a greater impact upon our psyche than the actual revelation of the mystery.

Returning with the mystery that their lives continued after their deaths, the near-death experiencers in this study gained a renewed awe and appreciation for life. They reported a change in their attitudes toward life that they attributed directly to the NDE. They claimed that where they were once selfish or fearful in life, they were now giving and fearless. They spoke of returning with a renewed sense of love, respect and wonderment for nature. Their motivation for doing right action was no longer based on fear.

By sharing their stories with us, they have brought the gift of mystery into our own lives. As in Pandora’s box, these pioneers have brought back with them the gift of hope in a world wracked by insanity.

There is no greater gift than the gift of hope. For in our hope, we meet our innocence. In our innocence, we hold no malice. By holding no malice, we are open to the processes of life and by opening to life, we hold eternity in our hands.

Near-Death Experiences: The Research

Emotional Weight Loss from Sadness

I was recently interview on a network news show about a reality star's weight issue. She had recently lost a tremendous amount of weight over a short period and I was asked to comment on the mental health surrounding such weight loss and it’s influence on the public, especially young girls.

She appears to have lost between 20 and 30 pounds, by my estimation, over a three month period. According to the reporter, she stated that she lost the weight from sadness. I stated that it’s not healthy to lose that much weight that fast especially if she is not doing it through a well managed diet. When you are purposefully trying to lose weight, losing one to two pounds a week is safe.

Losing weight in a healthy manner includes exercise and eating healthy foods and supplementing with vitamins to replace the vitamins you are not getting from a restricted diet. If she lost all that weight from not eating because she was unhappy, then she was not taking care of her body. She was probably not eating the healthiest foods nor taking vitamins nor exercising if she was not taking care of her body. That alone is unhealthy way to lose weight.

Aerobic exercise is very important to maintaining good health and it also helps to lift us out of depression. Her unhappiness combined with weight loss sounded more like a possible depression. When we are depressed, we can stop eating because nothing feels pleasurable to us anymore.

Instead of seeking pleasure, depressed people sometimes turn inward and isolate away from pleasurable opportunities. People suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder can also lose weight as a symptom of the disorder. Often, we can’t lift ourselves out of a major depression or PTSD by ourselves. At those times, we may want to seek out a therapist to help us through those times.

I have a sense that she is not really setting a bad example for girls in this particular case. If she were touting her sudden weight loss as a sexy desirable thing to do, then yes she would be doing young girls a disservice. I’m not so sure that this is what she is doing. This seems to be something episodic for her and that she’ll probably go back to her more natural weight when she has resolved the issues in her life that are triggering this weight loss.

At least she was aware of the connection between the sadness and the weight loss. Undesired weight loss is a sign that something is wrong emotionally and that something needs to be addressed. She has an opportunity serve as a wonderful example to young girls as someone who listens to her body and her feelings and takes action to take care of and respect it when it speaks. We all go through phases of sadness, fear, loneliness and depression. That’s normal.

By honoring those emotions with patience, respect and self-love, we are able hear the quiet whispers of what those feelings are trying to tell us about ourselves. Her body may be trying to get her emotional attention. She may want to listen to what it is trying to tell her. My guess is that her body is asking for more love and acceptance of herself. In order to do this, that love must be found from within and not from the outside.

Always consult your physician should you experience sudden or unexpected weight loss. It could indicate a serious medical condition that needs attention.

For more information on Dr. James E. Walton you may log onto his website at LAtherapist.com There you will find free affirmation downloads, videos, self-help CDs and helpful topical pages for you to explore.

Introduction to Dreams - A Window to Our Souls

Each morning most of us awaken with a vague awareness of having been somewhere else. Holding onto bits and pieces of images from a dream state, we often dismiss them as flights of fancy from a creative mind. We then go about our day without giving them a second thought. Often, these wisps of visual imagination are forgotten within moments of arising from our beds.

We might wonder if they do hold any valuable information for us. Certainly, throughout history many cultures from around the world have held those nightly visions sacrosanct. But do they hold anything for us in this modern world today? Dreams, what are they? where do they come from? do they hold any value for us? and how can we work with them? are some of the topics I’ll be exploring over the next few months on this blog.

During each night of sleep, we experience an average of four or five cycles of dreaming. Dreaming is an essential part of maintaining good mental health. If we are denied the dream experience, such as being awakened before the dream cycle begins, we tend to awaken exhausted as though we didn’t receive any sleep. If this were to continue for several days, we would begin to experience dreams in our waking state known as hallucinations. Although science cannot say for sure the exact purpose of our dreams, it does acknowledge that dreaming is an essential part of good mental health. Respecting, listening and understanding our dreams can only enhance our experience in the waking world.

Some people view dreams as an expression of our projective selves. That is the part of ourselves that we deny or that is unexpressed during our waking state. Others view dreams as unexpressed wishes and desires of the dreamer. Some people believe that dreams are “alive.” That they have lives and bodies of their own. That they are not mere projections of the dreamer and that the dreamer is not the center of the dream. Still, others view dreams as divination of the future and others view dreams as the voice of nature and/or the collective unconscious.

I personally believe that all of these and more hold validity and should not be dismissed off hand in a desperate bid to confine something as elusive as a dream to a ridged rule. To distill the meaning of dreams to a simple constrictive definition cuts off our full relationship to this profound and dynamic world.

If a picture is worth 1,000 words, then a dream is worth even more. When we reduce a description of a painting to words, we lose something of its essence. Words, as very important as they are, still require a reducing or containing of an image in order for it to be conveyed verbally to another. In the process, we lose something. Have you ever tried to tell a friend of a situation that you experienced, only finding yourself defaulting to, “You just had to be there” out of frustration because words “failed” you in expressing the essence of what you were trying to say? Words are very limiting by their nature.

When we try to define a dream through words, we are doing the very same thing. We are distilling it down to what we think is important and eliminating other essences. What we end up with is more like bleached white bread than the stone oven baked seven grain whole crackling wheat bread we started out with. It’s obviously lost a lot of its substance.

Drawing from the inspiration of Dr. Stephen Aizenstat at Pacifica Graduate Institute of Psychology, we can do something about this. First, approach the dream without words if you can do this. Listen to the dream present itself. Do not try to associate the dream with other events that are going on in your life. Do not talk about how you feel about the dream. At this point, this can be very limiting and stop your creative understanding process. Just listen to the dream as it is presented. Later, you can talk about your feelings and associations. For now, just be with the dream in a very still state.

There will be many more writings on dreams. This is a first installment as an introduction. For more information on Dr. James E. Walton you may log onto his website at LAtherapist.com There you will find free affirmation downloads, videos, self-Help CDs and helpful topical pages for you to explore.

The Relationship and Career Profiler - What's Yours?

Try scoring yourself on the "The Relationship/Career Profile" and see if your personality matches your career.

Knowing your relaxation personality profile can be helpful in understanding yourself, choosing a career and knowing what methods of communication you might respond best to. Rate how closely you agree with the statements below and add up the total your score then match it with your personality chart at the bottom.

Scoring by Points:
Never – 1
Sometimes – 2
Half the Time – 3
Most of the Time – 4
Always – 5

Questions:

1. How often do you initiate sex?
2. How often are you the first to apologize?
3. Do you enjoy makeup sex?
4. Do you enjoy sex with the lights on?
5. Are you comfortable with a hug from a stranger?
6. Do you enjoy traveling to new places and meeting new people?
7. Do you enjoy public displays of expression and affection?
8. Do you require others to go with you to the movies?
9. Do you easily express your emotions and feelings toward others?
10. Do you enjoy spending money on yourself?
11. Does your handwriting slant to the right?
12. The perfect evening for me is leaving home and meeting new people...
13. How important is the label of your clothing?
14. How important is it that others like you?
15. How often are your hands warm?
16. I enjoy being busy...
17. I enjoy working with my hands...
18. For me, form over function is important...
19. I don’t sweat the details...
20. How easy is it for you to overlook the flaws in others?


If your personality score is...
20 – 35 You're the Introvert
36 – 51 You're the Inquisitor
52 – 68 You're the Trouble Shooter
69 – 84 You're the Trailblazer
85 – 100 You're the Performer

Click here to find out the meaning of your personality score.

Coping with Holiday Stress & Blues

The holidays are approaching and it can be an exciting time. People are busy making plans to visit with loved ones, attend parties, throw dinners and travel long distances. The holidays are presented by the media as a magical time of fun and celebration. They are presented as a time of renewed connection with family members, partners and loves. We are fed images of shining happy faces who are meeting, greeting and exchanging gifts in front of a backdrop of abundance and welcoming arms. I say, “Sign me up!”

However, the reality we experience can be quite different. Generally, we are facing financial strains, time pressures and unresolved family issues as a result of the holiday season. I'm not saying this to take away of the magic we might experience during this time, however, these are real experiences that people face during the holidays. We tend to place so much pressure on ourselves to have a good time, that we end up having a miserable time from all the pressure we place on ourselves.

First, try to maintain a realistic perspective on what you are able and not able to do during the holiday season. Many times, people feel that they have to attend every invite they receive and this can become overwhelmingly stressful. Become clear on what you are willing and not willing to do. Pare down your commitments to what feels reasonable to you and what you are comfortably able to do. You may have to graciously decline some of the invites to keep your sanity and reduce your stress level. Prioritize what events and social gatherings are important to you and just do those. You don’t have to do everything that comes your way. After all, it’s not reasonable to stop your normal day to day schedule or cram it full just because it’s the holidays.

The holidays is a time when we gather with family. Many times, those families have lots of unresolved issues that can explode during the holidays. The reason is that the physical distance we have had from those members throughout the year has played a modifying effect on our reactiveness to them. Now, the holidays are here and we are forced to be together. Given the demand on our emotions and the other stresses around the holidays, we do not have the same emotional resources at our disposal that maintains our composure when under stress. We may find that we explode at family members with very little provocation.

To help get a better handle on the situation, do not force yourself to spend much time with people who irritate you. Be realistic. Your problems with a particular relative are not going to magically disappear because it’s the holidays. Reduce your exposure or avoid that person if you can. The holidays are not the time to work out your differences. There are too many other demands on your shoulders at this time. Should you choose to work out your issues with that individual, do it at a different, less stressful time.

Another good coping stratigy is to take many short breaks from family gatherings. Go out for a short walk or talk to a friend on the phone. Taking frequent breaks can help break feelings of rising tension and reduce stress enough to allow you to reenter the situation with your family with greater composure.

If you are under financial stress, cut back on the gift giving. Buying expensive gifts is very stressful if you don’t have the means and you will be paying off that gift into the next year causing you even more stress. The idea of giving a gift is about showing a gesture of love and thought. It is not about competing for attention or buying off someone. Small gifts can have a greater impact than large expensive gifts if you put some thought into the gift.

Putting thought into the gift means give some consideration into what kind of gift the recipient would appreciate that conveys to them that you understand their interests, likes and/or who they are as people. It’s a way of showing them you appreciate them and know something about them. When you give a gift that shows the other that you understand something about them, it is truly loved and appreciated.

The holidays can also be a time of great depression. The number of individuals suffering from depression tends to rise during this time. With society at large throwing warm welcoming families, abundance, and romantic love into the faces of those who may not have those things, it can be quite an upsetting experience. Who really wants to be reminded day in and day out on such a large scale that they lack any or all of those things. It can make us feel lonely, helpless and hopeless.

If you find yourself in that situation, you need to take stock of your expectations and make sure they're realistic. Don't expect more of yourself this time of year than you would at any other time. Take a break from holiday music and television specials if you find that they're turning you into "Scrooge."

Most people dread the holidays because their inner experience is so different from what is being hyped. You should trust your own instincts and don't try to be what you're not. Keep up your normal routine and know that this day will pass too.

If, however, you are unable to shake what you think are "holiday blues" your feelings may not be about the holidays, but about other things in your life. If you need help in sorting out or dealing with this issue, seek out a licensed therapist with the training to help you do so.

To help you cope over the holiday season, you may want to check out Dr. Walton’s free audio affirmations. To watch Dr. Walton’s videos on overcoming depression you may log onto his YouTube.com site listed at LAtherapist. To assist you in stress relief or anger management over the holidays you may check out his albums on Amazon.com and iTunes. For more information on Dr. Walton you may log onto his website at LAtherapist.com.

Wedding Night Sex and Beyond

There is a growing trend in America for couples to separate the night before the wedding. Your decision to do that is up to you and the requirements of your religious beliefs. However, a wedding is a rite of passage and most rites of passage call for an experience of separateness for the initiate. That separation can be utilized as a gift allowing us to honor our singleness that one last time before we let go of it forever.

In my opinion, the release of our singleness needs to be honored. It adds to the magic of the ceremony to be apart the night before. You go to bed alone the night before the wedding and mark the end of your existence as single. The next day on your wedding, you see beloved at the alter for the first time marking the beginning of your new life as a couple. That is to be honored.

There are some couples who put off sex until the wedding night. Those circumstances can really put the pressure on. If this is your situation and you find yourself exhausted on your wedding night, put sex off and structure a time of relaxation and rest instead. Wait until you have the time and are not rushed to catch a plane or even worse, staying in someone else’s house and feeling self conscious. Structure a time when you are able to be alone, relaxed and calm for the exploration of each other’s bodies. Take time with each other and above all else, lower you expectations.

Often, engaged couples do not look beyond the wedding day. The excitement of planning the event is overwhelming. There are so many things to plan and prepare for that all their energy is focused on one point: the wedding. The last thing that people expect to feel after their wedding is depression. Well, the post-wedding blues are not uncommon. Both men and women experience this phenomenon. It is much like the letdown we feel the day after a major holiday such as Thanksgiving or Christmas.

As a couple, you are moving at full steam ahead toward the wedding and after it is accomplished, you will probably experience a momentary pause. The glamor of the experience is now gone and you might feel a sense of disappointment. This is completely natural. You have both gone through a rite of passage where something was lost, your singleness, and something was born, you identity as a couple.

For more information on Dr. Walton’s self-help for weddings, log onto TheDrWaltonSeries.com. To watch Dr. Walton’s video on the History of Marriage log onto YouTube.com. For more information on Dr. Walton, and to obtain free audio affirmations log onto his website at LAtherapist.com.

What Is Hypnosis?

Hypnosis can change unwanted habits. It can change lack of motivation into a powerful desire for change and it can change your life if used correctly.

Hypnosis is a natural state that we all go in and out of every day. For the purposes of hypnosis, we can say that our minds are divided into two sections: the conscious and unconscious. In the conscious mind, we use logic, reasoning and will power. In the unconscious, we form associations and responses; it is the part of the mind that holds the imagination. It does not know the difference between fact and fantasy. The unconscious makes up 88% of our thought power; the conscious makes up only 12%. In hypnosis, we harness that 88% to our advantage because that 88% is much stronger than the 12%.

Through hypnosis, we distract the conscious part of the mind from blocking the messages we want to place in the unconscious. The distraction of our conscious mind causes us to become highly suggestible to ideas.

An example of this takes place when we are driving. Can you remember how difficult it was, learning to drive a car? The first few times you did it, you had to remember a lot. The first time you drove on a highway, you had to remain alert and probably drove slowly and cautiously. Now, you just get into the car and drive without thinking. Sometimes you might actually find yourself passing by your exit, or wondering how you arrived at your destination, you did not remember getting there. You may have found yourself getting into your car on a Saturday intending to go to the store only to find yourself driving halfway to work before you realized what you were doing.

These are all cases of driving your car while you are under a state of hypnosis. It is actually a very safe state to be driving in. While we are driving under hypnosis, we are using our unconscious mind, which already knows how to drive a car. If we did not use the unconscious part of our mind when we drove, we would have to learn how to drive each time we got into the car. This would not be a safe thing to do.

The unconscious knows how to drive the car. It enables us to do all of the maneuvers that are automatic for driving. What we need to remain conscious of, is where we are going. That is why we end up going to work on a Saturday when we intend to go to the store. We simply go into hypnosis as soon as we get into the car and drive without thinking. For some of us, the steering wheel becomes the trigger that sends us into instant hypnosis. As we place our hands on the wheel, our unconscious takes over and we begin to drive.

We instinctively know what to do. That is because all of the associations with the trigger are lodged deep in our unconscious and we respond to that.

Clinical hypnosis in a therapist’s office is something very similar. With hypnosis for relaxation, you place a trigger in your unconscious mind that will allow you to feel peace and safety instantly anywhere you are. With it, you can convert any stressful feelings of anxiety into healthy feelings of empowering excitement. You place this trigger there yourself and you have access to it at anytime.

Through hypnosis you are using the most powerful part of your mind, the unconscious, to reduce your feelings of anxiety through the creation of images. This association is similar to the association you might now have with a steering wheel and automatically driving. Your unconscious will experience these images as real since it can not distinguish the difference between reality and fantasy.

Through hypnosis you can change many different types of behavior simply by reprogramming your unconscious mind. You can find greater peace in your life, fall asleep at night more quickly, reduce tension and anxiety, stop smoking, lose weight, get motivated for exercise, improve test taking and memory, overcome many different types of fears, resolve grief, and heal old wounds from breakups and negative experiences.

For more information on Dr. Walton’s self-help hypnosis audios, log onto www.TheDrWaltonSeries.com. For more information on Dr. Walton, and to obtain free audio affirmations log onto his website at LAtherapist.com.

The Wedding Night, both Straight and Gay

This writing applies to both straight and gay couples who chose to get married. Studies from UCLA's Williams Group show that these two groups are nearly identical.

On the wedding night, many newly weds place tremendous pressure upon themselves to perform sexually and we all know that pressure to perform can inhibit the performance and enjoyment of the sexual experience. If you talk to others, you will find that they were so tired that first night after the wedding from all the anxieties, hubbub, and preparations that had to be handled leading up to the wedding that they were too tire to make love that night, and just fell asleep. They just put it off until the next morning when they were rested and not pressured.

And certainly, if the man has difficulty achieving an erection that night, it is understandable. Stress and anxiety make it difficult for men to achieve and maintain erections and it has nothing to do with their desire for their partner. If your partner has difficulty achieving an erection on the wedding night, cuddle and put off sex until there is less pressure and he is rested and there is time for intimacy.

Remember, you are looking at a long term relationship. An orgasm is not the goal. The real goal is a marriage of closeness and intimacy. Don’t make an orgasm the goal. It’s too pressured. Remember, you are both going to be exhausted. You have been performing for weeks since the announcement. Do yourself a favor. Drop your performance on the wedding night. Experience the high of lying in each other’s arms and just being. There will be plenty of time for sex in the future. Be real with each other and begin building a relationship together based on love and acceptance.

Some people pressure themselves to have the best sex ever on their wedding night. It won’t be, so drop that expectation. You will be exhausted and there is a good chance you have had some alcohol. It is an unrealistic demand to place on yourself. Intimate wonderful sex develops over time and it builds as your spiritual, emotional and physical selves grow together.

It is not uncommon for one or the other to fall asleep as soon as they hit the bed on the wedding night. If this happens to you, take a deep breath, and remember that you love them. Remember the good times you have had together. Put a cover on them and lay a rose by the pillow and give them a kiss goodnight. Show them how much you love them when they awaken in the morning after the long deserved rest that you are both entitled to. It is a great metaphor for what marriage is like. You have to compromise. You don’t always get what you want, but through it all, you still love each other.

Now, before you fire off an angry email at me I want to clarify that this, in no way, should be interpreted as a suggestion that one should kowtow to the other. However, it is important for the health of the relationship that you both take care of each other. So at times, one of you may need to put aside personal desires for the good of the relationship. This give and take must go in both directions and not end up where one person is always being the accommodator to the other.

For more information on Dr. Walton’s self-help for marriage, log onto TheDrWaltonSeries.com. You can also follow his tips of the day on Twitter@LAtherapist. To watch the video of Dr. Walton’s History of Marriage log onto YouTube.com. For more information on Dr. Walton, and to obtain free audio affirmations log onto his website at LAtherapist.com.

Wedding Night Jitters and Other Common Wedding Anxieties

Let’s take a look at some of the sticky issues that are likely to appear around your wedding and how to handle them.

The first topic we will look at is commonly known as the wedding night jitters.

In today’s age, people are more sexually active in their relationships than they were in the past. It is highly likely that you have been having regular sex with your fiancé long before the wedding night. The biggest fear for the wedding night will probably not be about sex. More than likely, the biggest fear is going to be “is he or she really the right one for me?” “Have I dated him/her long enough?” “Do I really know this individual?” After all, you are about to do something that can’t be taken back, not even through divorce. If this happens, and nearly every engaged couple has experienced it, reflect back on the good times you have had together and remember why you love him. These jitters will pass.

Now, some other common anxieties you might encounter on your wedding night could involve hotel reservation mix-ups, canceled flights, and other unpleasant surprises that seem to fling themselves upon us at crucial moments. To survive this part, be flexible. View any glitches that come along as wedding survival stories to be told in the future. As they mellow with time, they may be seen as gifts to be treasured by you as you tell them over and over again. Every married couple has experience wedding survival stories, just ask them.

For more information on Dr. Walton’s self-help for weddings, log onto TheDrWaltonSeries.com. You can also follow his tips of the day on Twitter@LAtherapist. For more information on Dr. Walton, and to obtain free audio affirmations log onto his website at LAtherapist.com.
Press Release Catch Dr. Walton talking about the History of Marriage on YouTube.