Empower Yourself through Assertiveness

Learning to make assertive responses will reduce the anxiety you may feel in dealing with others.  Assertive behavior does not push others around, deny their rights, or injure other people.

A daily record of your assertiveness will help you judge you progress over time and after a few weeks,you will have a lot of information about your progress.  Write down those situations you can handle easily and those which are troublesome.  Be aware of attitudes, behaviors and obstacles.


ELEMENTS OF ASSERTIVENESS

• To promote equality in human relationships
• To stand up for yourself
• To express feelings honestly and comfortably
• To exercise personal rights
• To not deny the rights of others

COMPONENTS OF ASSERTIVE BEHAVIOR

• Eye contact
• Body posture - relative power is emphasized by standing or sitting
• Distance/physical contact
• Gestures
• Facial expression - face should agree with the message
• Voice tone
• Fluency
• Timing
• Content - Take responsibility for your feelings, don't blame the other

HELP FOR HANDLING THOUGHTS

• Give yourself a positive soothing message before a difficult task.
• When bothered by an unwanted thought, shout "STOP" and switch to more pleasant thoughts.  Also, X-out the thought and replace it with "I am willing to love and respect myself."
•  X-out any negative self-attacking thoughts and replace them with the opposite positive thought.

For more information on assertiveness and to listen to free samples of Dr. Walton's self-help series log onto TheDrWaltonSeries.com.  you can also follow his daily tips on Twitter@LAtherapist.  For more information on Dr. Walton and to get free audio affirmations for self-empowerment, log onto his website at LAtherapist.com. 

As A Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I Have Just One Question to Maggie Gallagher, President of The National Organization for Marriage: "What’s It All About Maggie?"

These words are inscribed in walls of the Jefferson Memorial in Washington, DC.  They were spoken by Thomas Jefferson and immortalized in marble because those words are the true intentions of the founding fathers for creating a nation that is both tolerant and flexible.  We would do well today to take in and live by what he so eloquently spoke over two hundred years ago.  If you click on the photos, they will enlarge so you can read for yourself what he said.
_________________________________________________________

Emotionally healthy people don’t have an obsessive preoccupation with the sex lives of others.  Then again, emotionally healthy people don’t hide their families from public view, unless they are trying to manufacture a deceptive appearance for public consumption.  I doubt Ms. Gallagher would pander to such base levels so there must be another reason for the conspicuous absence of her eldest child (the page was removed after this publishing) and  husband at, the so called,  public family gatherings that function as rallies for banning the recognition of same-sex couples.  I would imagine that she regards her followers as up-standing, open minded and accepting individuals, so why the apparent shell game with her family when same-sex couples honestly and openly declare their love for their partners before God, country and the news media? 

Another curious issue for someone with the so called traditional values that she claims to promote, is that she doesn’t take on her husband’s last name publicly.  Instead, she presents herself to her followers with her maiden name, Maggie Gallagher and not Maggie Srivastav.  Srivastav is her married name.  

Her agenda calling for the banning of same-sex civil marriage is allowed in a free and open society, but what is the point if she has to create mistruths, conceal personal agendas, and fabricate history to achieve her goal?  Also, she has not revealed to the public where she derives her funding.   Her organization, the National Organization for Marriage even defies court orders to reveal who their donors are. The Mormon Church and Catholic bishops could be the leading suspects.  Is it possible that they are trying to redefine civil marriage along their own “traditional” theological teachings and impose their will through civil law on all Americans?  

Certainly, no one has benefited more than Ms. Gallagher/Sirvastav when it comes to an inclusive civil marriage law.  I find it ironic that she, herself, had a child out-of-wedlock and is currently married outside the Christian faith to a Hindu husband.  How dare she complain that others are trying to change the definition of marriage.  Clearly she has taken maximum advantage of the civil marriage laws afforded her but now advocates passionately to deny that same right to others.

Simply put, the goal for civil equality is quite open and honest about its intention.  It’s about attaining civil marriage equality for all people.  No hidden agendas, no shell games, and no public deception for mass consumption coming out of a hidden agenda to sell books, or attain fame, or public office and no more victimizing of others.  It’s simple goal is to attain civil equality for everyone.  An equality that allows all individuals, such as Ms Gallagher/Sirvastav, to stand before the public view without fear of shame or judgment for the individual they love and chose to make a life commitment with through civil marriage.

I was watching her debate marriage issues with Andrew Sullivan on a conservative panel at the invitation of the conservative think tank Cato.com and was struck by a realization:  She has no formal education, to my knowledge, on the topic.  She graduated Yale University in 1982 where she earned a B.A. in Religious Studies.  A B.A. In Religious Studies from Yale is a respectable degree, but it doesn’t qualify her as an authority on interpersonal/marital relationships such as a Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy, or a Masters of Social Work, or a Doctorate in Clinical Psychology would have afforded her.  She simply does not hold any degree higher than a Bachelor’s in Religious Studies. 

While at Yale, she belonged to the "Party of the Right" in the Yale Political Union.  I’m sure that she made many fine contacts with some very influential people during that time.  It may have even garnered her favor with the Bush Administration when they paid her ten’s of thousands of dollars from the Department of Health and Human Services in 2002 and 2003 to promote George W. Bush’s marriage initiatives.  But when she testified before Congress in favor of those programs, she never disclosed those  payments. 

Why was that?  It was my impression that social conservatism steadfastly stood against such shameful behavior as misleading others, acting as an authority when one is not, and premarital sex.  All of which she advocates for in others but apparently fails to follow for herself.  Maybe, the times they are a change’n, or maybe it is something else.

Just because she serves as president for the Institute for Marriage and Public Policy does not mean that she is qualified to theorize on or make healthy public policy decisions on the topic of marriage.  One may become head of the military of the United States by simply becoming president of the country without ever completing a competent stay of service.  As a nation, we all have experienced the fallout from the bad decisions and incompetence that have come out of those situations.  Had she completed an education in marriage and family studies or clinical psychology, she may have enriched herself with a more complete understanding of the emotions, lives and loves of all fellow human beings. 

Projection is a very insidious thing.  We don’t even know that we are doing it when we do it.  By its very nature, it is designed to create a wall of denial for ourselves distancing us from acknowledging the very behaviors within ourselves that we so vehemently abhor in others.  By attacking it in others, we can buy ourselves some relief from the internal conflict that has us in its grip.  The relief is only temporary however.  Unless we come to terms with it, we will continue to demonize others in a desperate bid to gain some relief. 

I wonder if there was a time in her past when she loved someone very much that she couldn’t have.  People tend to do to others that which was done to themselves.  Her actions against same sex couples may carry some of that tenor.  Her apparent desire to denigrate and dismiss relationships that she considers non-traditional, although she herself is involved in relationships that would be considered non-traditional by her own standards, reeks of resentment.  “If I can’t have it, why should you” is a pattern in people who feel a sense of helplessness in unrequited desires.  Of course, if this is the case, she has made it an obsession on a national scale affecting the private lives of millions of people. 

Affecting millions of people through an individual’s personal self-loathing is nothing new.   Just recently, State Senator Roy Ashburn (R-Calif.) was arrested at 2 AM for drunk driving after being seen leaving a gay nightclub in Sacramento, CA while driving a state owned vehicle accompanied by a male companion.  He later divulged that he was in fact gay and hiding the fact from the public, his family and maybe even himself.

To quote CBS13 The CW31     

“Ashburn served six years as a state Assemblyman before being elected to the State Senate.  According to Project Vote Smart, Ashburn's voting record shows he has voted against every gay rights measure in the State Senate since taking office including Recognizing Out-Of-State Same-Sex Marriages", Harvey Milk Day and Expanding Anti-Discrimination Laws.”

How much more clearly can I make my point?  People are simply not interested in the sex lives of others if they have already dealt with their own internal conflicts.  Healthy people want others to have healthy lives, and healthy lives include healthy relationships and sex lives that are not up for moral victimization by those who have something to hide from the public or profit from a hidden agenda. 

When it comes to the repeal of the Defense of Marriage Act, this short video makes some very compelling and concise statements.  NOM Called Out on Deceptive Ad.

If you would like some excellent talking points for dealing with this bigotry please check out Dr. John Corvino's short video.  You can also check out the spiritual perspective on this topic by Father Geoff Farrow at www.FatherGeoff.com.

So... What’s it all about Maggie?


For more information on James E. Walton, Ph.D. log onto his website at www.LAtherapist.com.  For information on his self-help series, log onto www.TheDrWaltonSeries.com.

Recovering from Grief and Moving Forward in Your Life

Grief arises as a rumbling deep from within our soul as we take in the experience of loss.  Without it, our soul is numb, for grief deepens and expands our experience in life as we are changed through the meaning we give it.  It softens the hardened heart bringing forth a greater understanding and empathy for others. 

By allowing grief to soften the heart, it is no longer entrapped by irrational demand to control and impossible outcome, but is freed to form a new sense of compassion and empowerment.  We are awakened to a new perspective our our wold that we would not have had without the experience of grief.

That we love implies that well will grieve.  There are times that only through the depth of our grief are we able to truly see the depth of our love.  To understand love, one must also understand grief.

Grief: an encasement of sorrow surrounding us like a tight fitting blanket; black, encasing us in endless pain and sadness.  We lose sight of our direction and lose touch with our souls.  Hidden behind the darkness of our emotions a dark veil of disconnection descends between us and the inner light of our being.  Within the shadow of grief we cook and grow, fostering a reemergence as a seed protected within its cocoon like shell.  Hard and alienated, life continues to well within.  Awaiting the moment of life giving water allowing it to break its shell and come forth into the world anew and vibrant. 

We are not alone in the world with our grief.  Everyone on the planet experiences grief at some point in their lives.  Because we love, we form attachments with others and we experience grief when those attachments are broken.  If we had formed a bond, then we will experience grief if it is broken.

Grief is an essential process for healing from a loss.  Experiencing grief is unavoidable if we are to heal.  Grief is the process that allows us to take in the reality of the loss unchaining us from the past and allowing us to move forward in our own life.

We may not want to accept what has occurred.  We may become angry about it; and in that process, we connect with feelings that reveal to us the depths of our love for that individual.

As our loss sinks deeper, hopelessness, deep sadness and depression reveal themselves to us.  We shut down and go quiet allowing the healing to begin on the inside.  We are now acknowledging our loss and in the process we are slowed by depression eventually allowing us to come to acceptance over the loss that has occurred.  It is a slow cooking process, not to be hurried.  It is a sign that we are healing.

As we come to acceptance, we release our demand on a different outcome.  Acceptance doe3s not mean that we like the outcome, but we stop fighting our loss and that gives us permission to move forward and join life again. 

With the dawn or our acceptance, we reach out to others.  We reaffirm our current relationships and we engage in forming new ones.  We once again address our own needs.

Find those things that you enjoy, allow yourself to take a rest from your emotions without placing judgment on yourself.

Dr. Walton's latest album, Healing from Grief and Finding Peace in Your Life, was just released. Check it out on iTunes, Amazon.com, and CDbaby for free samples. For more information on Dr. James E. Walton you may log onto his website at LAtherapist.com There you will find free affirmation downloads, videos, self-help CDs and helpful topical pages for you to explore.

Grief Recovery: Coming to Acceptance

Grief is something we will all experience in our lives.
Because we live, form attachments and love, we experience grief when these attachments and bonds are broken.

It makes little difference how the bond was broken. If we had formed a bond, then we will experience grief if it is broken.

Our experience of grief is an essential process for healing from a loss. Experiencing grief is unavoidable if we are to heal.

Everyone experiences grief in their own time and manner. Through the processes of grief, we both cry and laugh as we remember the individual. It is a process of integrating the reality of the loss into our lives in a way that allows us to move forward in our own life.

During the first part of the grief, we may not want to accept the reality of what has just occurred. It seems unreal, unfathomable.

We then may enter a place where we feel angry with the other person for leaving us and we feel abandoned or victimized. Under that anger is our pain. It’s another indication of how deeply we loved that person. This is good, because we are getting in touch with our feelings and it shows us that we did love that person and we’re angry at their loss.

We may then try to make deals with God or ourselves to bring them back, for instance, “I promise to go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life if you just bring him back.”

As the reality of the loss sinks deeper into our consciousness, we may experience a feeling of hopelessness, deep sadness and depression. This is the phase most commonly recognized in the grief process.

This phase allows us to shut down and go quiet so that we may heal on the inside. We’re finally acknowledging the loss but we’re physically and mentally slowed down by the depression. This slowing down process, brought about by the depression, allows us to gradually come to the acceptance of what has actually occurred. This is a very important part of healing from the loss and should not be rushed or avoided. Ultimately, it’s a sign that you’re healing.

At times, it can feel as if we’re going through all of these phases at once and other times, it can feel as if we’re jumping around from one to the other in no particular order.

Finally, at some point, we experience a sense of acceptance for the loss. Acceptance doesn’t mean that we like it, but we stop fighting our loss, and that gives us permission to move forward and live. When we come to acceptance, we once again begin to listen to, and take care of, our own needs. We reach out to others, we reaffirm old relationships and we engage in new ones.

In the meantime, find those things that you enjoy doing, that give you a sense of rest from your emotions, and do those things without casting judgment on yourself.

Dr. Walton's latest album, Healing from Grief and Finding Peace in Your Life, was just released. Check it out on iTunes, Amazon.com, CDbaby for free samples and other online outlets. For more information on Dr. James E. Walton you may log onto his website at LAtherapist.com There you will find free affirmation downloads, videos, self-help CDs and helpful topical pages for you to explore.

Near-Death Experiences: The After Life

The focus of my dissertation research was on near-death experiences as a rite of passage toward spiritual maturity. It is available for your enjoyment through the link at the bottom of this post.

Having an awareness that there are things out there in life hidden from our view creates for me a mystery. Mysteries bring a sense of awe. Experiencing the awe of a mystery can have a greater impact upon our psyche than the actual revelation of the mystery.

Returning with the mystery that their lives continued after their deaths, the near-death experiencers in this study gained a renewed awe and appreciation for life. They reported a change in their attitudes toward life that they attributed directly to the NDE. They claimed that where they were once selfish or fearful in life, they were now giving and fearless. They spoke of returning with a renewed sense of love, respect and wonderment for nature. Their motivation for doing right action was no longer based on fear.

By sharing their stories with us, they have brought the gift of mystery into our own lives. As in Pandora’s box, these pioneers have brought back with them the gift of hope in a world wracked by insanity.

There is no greater gift than the gift of hope. For in our hope, we meet our innocence. In our innocence, we hold no malice. By holding no malice, we are open to the processes of life and by opening to life, we hold eternity in our hands.

Near-Death Experiences: The Research

Emotional Weight Loss from Sadness

I was recently interview on a network news show about a reality star's weight issue. She had recently lost a tremendous amount of weight over a short period and I was asked to comment on the mental health surrounding such weight loss and it’s influence on the public, especially young girls.

She appears to have lost between 20 and 30 pounds, by my estimation, over a three month period. According to the reporter, she stated that she lost the weight from sadness. I stated that it’s not healthy to lose that much weight that fast especially if she is not doing it through a well managed diet. When you are purposefully trying to lose weight, losing one to two pounds a week is safe.

Losing weight in a healthy manner includes exercise and eating healthy foods and supplementing with vitamins to replace the vitamins you are not getting from a restricted diet. If she lost all that weight from not eating because she was unhappy, then she was not taking care of her body. She was probably not eating the healthiest foods nor taking vitamins nor exercising if she was not taking care of her body. That alone is unhealthy way to lose weight.

Aerobic exercise is very important to maintaining good health and it also helps to lift us out of depression. Her unhappiness combined with weight loss sounded more like a possible depression. When we are depressed, we can stop eating because nothing feels pleasurable to us anymore.

Instead of seeking pleasure, depressed people sometimes turn inward and isolate away from pleasurable opportunities. People suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder can also lose weight as a symptom of the disorder. Often, we can’t lift ourselves out of a major depression or PTSD by ourselves. At those times, we may want to seek out a therapist to help us through those times.

I have a sense that she is not really setting a bad example for girls in this particular case. If she were touting her sudden weight loss as a sexy desirable thing to do, then yes she would be doing young girls a disservice. I’m not so sure that this is what she is doing. This seems to be something episodic for her and that she’ll probably go back to her more natural weight when she has resolved the issues in her life that are triggering this weight loss.

At least she was aware of the connection between the sadness and the weight loss. Undesired weight loss is a sign that something is wrong emotionally and that something needs to be addressed. She has an opportunity serve as a wonderful example to young girls as someone who listens to her body and her feelings and takes action to take care of and respect it when it speaks. We all go through phases of sadness, fear, loneliness and depression. That’s normal.

By honoring those emotions with patience, respect and self-love, we are able hear the quiet whispers of what those feelings are trying to tell us about ourselves. Her body may be trying to get her emotional attention. She may want to listen to what it is trying to tell her. My guess is that her body is asking for more love and acceptance of herself. In order to do this, that love must be found from within and not from the outside.

Always consult your physician should you experience sudden or unexpected weight loss. It could indicate a serious medical condition that needs attention.

For more information on Dr. James E. Walton you may log onto his website at LAtherapist.com There you will find free affirmation downloads, videos, self-help CDs and helpful topical pages for you to explore.

Introduction to Dreams - A Window to Our Souls

Each morning most of us awaken with a vague awareness of having been somewhere else. Holding onto bits and pieces of images from a dream state, we often dismiss them as flights of fancy from a creative mind. We then go about our day without giving them a second thought. Often, these wisps of visual imagination are forgotten within moments of arising from our beds.

We might wonder if they do hold any valuable information for us. Certainly, throughout history many cultures from around the world have held those nightly visions sacrosanct. But do they hold anything for us in this modern world today? Dreams, what are they? where do they come from? do they hold any value for us? and how can we work with them? are some of the topics I’ll be exploring over the next few months on this blog.

During each night of sleep, we experience an average of four or five cycles of dreaming. Dreaming is an essential part of maintaining good mental health. If we are denied the dream experience, such as being awakened before the dream cycle begins, we tend to awaken exhausted as though we didn’t receive any sleep. If this were to continue for several days, we would begin to experience dreams in our waking state known as hallucinations. Although science cannot say for sure the exact purpose of our dreams, it does acknowledge that dreaming is an essential part of good mental health. Respecting, listening and understanding our dreams can only enhance our experience in the waking world.

Some people view dreams as an expression of our projective selves. That is the part of ourselves that we deny or that is unexpressed during our waking state. Others view dreams as unexpressed wishes and desires of the dreamer. Some people believe that dreams are “alive.” That they have lives and bodies of their own. That they are not mere projections of the dreamer and that the dreamer is not the center of the dream. Still, others view dreams as divination of the future and others view dreams as the voice of nature and/or the collective unconscious.

I personally believe that all of these and more hold validity and should not be dismissed off hand in a desperate bid to confine something as elusive as a dream to a ridged rule. To distill the meaning of dreams to a simple constrictive definition cuts off our full relationship to this profound and dynamic world.

If a picture is worth 1,000 words, then a dream is worth even more. When we reduce a description of a painting to words, we lose something of its essence. Words, as very important as they are, still require a reducing or containing of an image in order for it to be conveyed verbally to another. In the process, we lose something. Have you ever tried to tell a friend of a situation that you experienced, only finding yourself defaulting to, “You just had to be there” out of frustration because words “failed” you in expressing the essence of what you were trying to say? Words are very limiting by their nature.

When we try to define a dream through words, we are doing the very same thing. We are distilling it down to what we think is important and eliminating other essences. What we end up with is more like bleached white bread than the stone oven baked seven grain whole crackling wheat bread we started out with. It’s obviously lost a lot of its substance.

Drawing from the inspiration of Dr. Stephen Aizenstat at Pacifica Graduate Institute of Psychology, we can do something about this. First, approach the dream without words if you can do this. Listen to the dream present itself. Do not try to associate the dream with other events that are going on in your life. Do not talk about how you feel about the dream. At this point, this can be very limiting and stop your creative understanding process. Just listen to the dream as it is presented. Later, you can talk about your feelings and associations. For now, just be with the dream in a very still state.

There will be many more writings on dreams. This is a first installment as an introduction. For more information on Dr. James E. Walton you may log onto his website at LAtherapist.com There you will find free affirmation downloads, videos, self-Help CDs and helpful topical pages for you to explore.

The Relationship and Career Profiler - What's Yours?

Try scoring yourself on the "The Relationship/Career Profile" and see if your personality matches your career.

Knowing your relaxation personality profile can be helpful in understanding yourself, choosing a career and knowing what methods of communication you might respond best to. Rate how closely you agree with the statements below and add up the total your score then match it with your personality chart at the bottom.

Scoring by Points:
Never – 1
Sometimes – 2
Half the Time – 3
Most of the Time – 4
Always – 5

Questions:

1. How often do you initiate sex?
2. How often are you the first to apologize?
3. Do you enjoy makeup sex?
4. Do you enjoy sex with the lights on?
5. Are you comfortable with a hug from a stranger?
6. Do you enjoy traveling to new places and meeting new people?
7. Do you enjoy public displays of expression and affection?
8. Do you require others to go with you to the movies?
9. Do you easily express your emotions and feelings toward others?
10. Do you enjoy spending money on yourself?
11. Does your handwriting slant to the right?
12. The perfect evening for me is leaving home and meeting new people...
13. How important is the label of your clothing?
14. How important is it that others like you?
15. How often are your hands warm?
16. I enjoy being busy...
17. I enjoy working with my hands...
18. For me, form over function is important...
19. I don’t sweat the details...
20. How easy is it for you to overlook the flaws in others?


If your personality score is...
20 – 35 You're the Introvert
36 – 51 You're the Inquisitor
52 – 68 You're the Trouble Shooter
69 – 84 You're the Trailblazer
85 – 100 You're the Performer

Click here to find out the meaning of your personality score.

Coping with Holiday Stress & Blues

The holidays are approaching and it can be an exciting time. People are busy making plans to visit with loved ones, attend parties, throw dinners and travel long distances. The holidays are presented by the media as a magical time of fun and celebration. They are presented as a time of renewed connection with family members, partners and loves. We are fed images of shining happy faces who are meeting, greeting and exchanging gifts in front of a backdrop of abundance and welcoming arms. I say, “Sign me up!”

However, the reality we experience can be quite different. Generally, we are facing financial strains, time pressures and unresolved family issues as a result of the holiday season. I'm not saying this to take away of the magic we might experience during this time, however, these are real experiences that people face during the holidays. We tend to place so much pressure on ourselves to have a good time, that we end up having a miserable time from all the pressure we place on ourselves.

First, try to maintain a realistic perspective on what you are able and not able to do during the holiday season. Many times, people feel that they have to attend every invite they receive and this can become overwhelmingly stressful. Become clear on what you are willing and not willing to do. Pare down your commitments to what feels reasonable to you and what you are comfortably able to do. You may have to graciously decline some of the invites to keep your sanity and reduce your stress level. Prioritize what events and social gatherings are important to you and just do those. You don’t have to do everything that comes your way. After all, it’s not reasonable to stop your normal day to day schedule or cram it full just because it’s the holidays.

The holidays is a time when we gather with family. Many times, those families have lots of unresolved issues that can explode during the holidays. The reason is that the physical distance we have had from those members throughout the year has played a modifying effect on our reactiveness to them. Now, the holidays are here and we are forced to be together. Given the demand on our emotions and the other stresses around the holidays, we do not have the same emotional resources at our disposal that maintains our composure when under stress. We may find that we explode at family members with very little provocation.

To help get a better handle on the situation, do not force yourself to spend much time with people who irritate you. Be realistic. Your problems with a particular relative are not going to magically disappear because it’s the holidays. Reduce your exposure or avoid that person if you can. The holidays are not the time to work out your differences. There are too many other demands on your shoulders at this time. Should you choose to work out your issues with that individual, do it at a different, less stressful time.

Another good coping stratigy is to take many short breaks from family gatherings. Go out for a short walk or talk to a friend on the phone. Taking frequent breaks can help break feelings of rising tension and reduce stress enough to allow you to reenter the situation with your family with greater composure.

If you are under financial stress, cut back on the gift giving. Buying expensive gifts is very stressful if you don’t have the means and you will be paying off that gift into the next year causing you even more stress. The idea of giving a gift is about showing a gesture of love and thought. It is not about competing for attention or buying off someone. Small gifts can have a greater impact than large expensive gifts if you put some thought into the gift.

Putting thought into the gift means give some consideration into what kind of gift the recipient would appreciate that conveys to them that you understand their interests, likes and/or who they are as people. It’s a way of showing them you appreciate them and know something about them. When you give a gift that shows the other that you understand something about them, it is truly loved and appreciated.

The holidays can also be a time of great depression. The number of individuals suffering from depression tends to rise during this time. With society at large throwing warm welcoming families, abundance, and romantic love into the faces of those who may not have those things, it can be quite an upsetting experience. Who really wants to be reminded day in and day out on such a large scale that they lack any or all of those things. It can make us feel lonely, helpless and hopeless.

If you find yourself in that situation, you need to take stock of your expectations and make sure they're realistic. Don't expect more of yourself this time of year than you would at any other time. Take a break from holiday music and television specials if you find that they're turning you into "Scrooge."

Most people dread the holidays because their inner experience is so different from what is being hyped. You should trust your own instincts and don't try to be what you're not. Keep up your normal routine and know that this day will pass too.

If, however, you are unable to shake what you think are "holiday blues" your feelings may not be about the holidays, but about other things in your life. If you need help in sorting out or dealing with this issue, seek out a licensed therapist with the training to help you do so.

To help you cope over the holiday season, you may want to check out Dr. Walton’s free audio affirmations. To watch Dr. Walton’s videos on overcoming depression you may log onto his YouTube.com site listed at LAtherapist. To assist you in stress relief or anger management over the holidays you may check out his albums on Amazon.com and iTunes. For more information on Dr. Walton you may log onto his website at LAtherapist.com.

Wedding Night Sex and Beyond

There is a growing trend in America for couples to separate the night before the wedding. Your decision to do that is up to you and the requirements of your religious beliefs. However, a wedding is a rite of passage and most rites of passage call for an experience of separateness for the initiate. That separation can be utilized as a gift allowing us to honor our singleness that one last time before we let go of it forever.

In my opinion, the release of our singleness needs to be honored. It adds to the magic of the ceremony to be apart the night before. You go to bed alone the night before the wedding and mark the end of your existence as single. The next day on your wedding, you see beloved at the alter for the first time marking the beginning of your new life as a couple. That is to be honored.

There are some couples who put off sex until the wedding night. Those circumstances can really put the pressure on. If this is your situation and you find yourself exhausted on your wedding night, put sex off and structure a time of relaxation and rest instead. Wait until you have the time and are not rushed to catch a plane or even worse, staying in someone else’s house and feeling self conscious. Structure a time when you are able to be alone, relaxed and calm for the exploration of each other’s bodies. Take time with each other and above all else, lower you expectations.

Often, engaged couples do not look beyond the wedding day. The excitement of planning the event is overwhelming. There are so many things to plan and prepare for that all their energy is focused on one point: the wedding. The last thing that people expect to feel after their wedding is depression. Well, the post-wedding blues are not uncommon. Both men and women experience this phenomenon. It is much like the letdown we feel the day after a major holiday such as Thanksgiving or Christmas.

As a couple, you are moving at full steam ahead toward the wedding and after it is accomplished, you will probably experience a momentary pause. The glamor of the experience is now gone and you might feel a sense of disappointment. This is completely natural. You have both gone through a rite of passage where something was lost, your singleness, and something was born, you identity as a couple.

For more information on Dr. Walton’s self-help for weddings, log onto TheDrWaltonSeries.com. To watch Dr. Walton’s video on the History of Marriage log onto YouTube.com. For more information on Dr. Walton, and to obtain free audio affirmations log onto his website at LAtherapist.com.

What Is Hypnosis?

Hypnosis can change unwanted habits. It can change lack of motivation into a powerful desire for change and it can change your life if used correctly.

Hypnosis is a natural state that we all go in and out of every day. For the purposes of hypnosis, we can say that our minds are divided into two sections: the conscious and unconscious. In the conscious mind, we use logic, reasoning and will power. In the unconscious, we form associations and responses; it is the part of the mind that holds the imagination. It does not know the difference between fact and fantasy. The unconscious makes up 88% of our thought power; the conscious makes up only 12%. In hypnosis, we harness that 88% to our advantage because that 88% is much stronger than the 12%.

Through hypnosis, we distract the conscious part of the mind from blocking the messages we want to place in the unconscious. The distraction of our conscious mind causes us to become highly suggestible to ideas.

An example of this takes place when we are driving. Can you remember how difficult it was, learning to drive a car? The first few times you did it, you had to remember a lot. The first time you drove on a highway, you had to remain alert and probably drove slowly and cautiously. Now, you just get into the car and drive without thinking. Sometimes you might actually find yourself passing by your exit, or wondering how you arrived at your destination, you did not remember getting there. You may have found yourself getting into your car on a Saturday intending to go to the store only to find yourself driving halfway to work before you realized what you were doing.

These are all cases of driving your car while you are under a state of hypnosis. It is actually a very safe state to be driving in. While we are driving under hypnosis, we are using our unconscious mind, which already knows how to drive a car. If we did not use the unconscious part of our mind when we drove, we would have to learn how to drive each time we got into the car. This would not be a safe thing to do.

The unconscious knows how to drive the car. It enables us to do all of the maneuvers that are automatic for driving. What we need to remain conscious of, is where we are going. That is why we end up going to work on a Saturday when we intend to go to the store. We simply go into hypnosis as soon as we get into the car and drive without thinking. For some of us, the steering wheel becomes the trigger that sends us into instant hypnosis. As we place our hands on the wheel, our unconscious takes over and we begin to drive.

We instinctively know what to do. That is because all of the associations with the trigger are lodged deep in our unconscious and we respond to that.

Clinical hypnosis in a therapist’s office is something very similar. With hypnosis for relaxation, you place a trigger in your unconscious mind that will allow you to feel peace and safety instantly anywhere you are. With it, you can convert any stressful feelings of anxiety into healthy feelings of empowering excitement. You place this trigger there yourself and you have access to it at anytime.

Through hypnosis you are using the most powerful part of your mind, the unconscious, to reduce your feelings of anxiety through the creation of images. This association is similar to the association you might now have with a steering wheel and automatically driving. Your unconscious will experience these images as real since it can not distinguish the difference between reality and fantasy.

Through hypnosis you can change many different types of behavior simply by reprogramming your unconscious mind. You can find greater peace in your life, fall asleep at night more quickly, reduce tension and anxiety, stop smoking, lose weight, get motivated for exercise, improve test taking and memory, overcome many different types of fears, resolve grief, and heal old wounds from breakups and negative experiences.

For more information on Dr. Walton’s self-help hypnosis audios, log onto www.TheDrWaltonSeries.com. For more information on Dr. Walton, and to obtain free audio affirmations log onto his website at LAtherapist.com.

The Wedding Night, both Straight and Gay

This writing applies to both straight and gay couples who chose to get married. Studies from UCLA's Williams Group show that these two groups are nearly identical.

On the wedding night, many newly weds place tremendous pressure upon themselves to perform sexually and we all know that pressure to perform can inhibit the performance and enjoyment of the sexual experience. If you talk to others, you will find that they were so tired that first night after the wedding from all the anxieties, hubbub, and preparations that had to be handled leading up to the wedding that they were too tire to make love that night, and just fell asleep. They just put it off until the next morning when they were rested and not pressured.

And certainly, if the man has difficulty achieving an erection that night, it is understandable. Stress and anxiety make it difficult for men to achieve and maintain erections and it has nothing to do with their desire for their partner. If your partner has difficulty achieving an erection on the wedding night, cuddle and put off sex until there is less pressure and he is rested and there is time for intimacy.

Remember, you are looking at a long term relationship. An orgasm is not the goal. The real goal is a marriage of closeness and intimacy. Don’t make an orgasm the goal. It’s too pressured. Remember, you are both going to be exhausted. You have been performing for weeks since the announcement. Do yourself a favor. Drop your performance on the wedding night. Experience the high of lying in each other’s arms and just being. There will be plenty of time for sex in the future. Be real with each other and begin building a relationship together based on love and acceptance.

Some people pressure themselves to have the best sex ever on their wedding night. It won’t be, so drop that expectation. You will be exhausted and there is a good chance you have had some alcohol. It is an unrealistic demand to place on yourself. Intimate wonderful sex develops over time and it builds as your spiritual, emotional and physical selves grow together.

It is not uncommon for one or the other to fall asleep as soon as they hit the bed on the wedding night. If this happens to you, take a deep breath, and remember that you love them. Remember the good times you have had together. Put a cover on them and lay a rose by the pillow and give them a kiss goodnight. Show them how much you love them when they awaken in the morning after the long deserved rest that you are both entitled to. It is a great metaphor for what marriage is like. You have to compromise. You don’t always get what you want, but through it all, you still love each other.

Now, before you fire off an angry email at me I want to clarify that this, in no way, should be interpreted as a suggestion that one should kowtow to the other. However, it is important for the health of the relationship that you both take care of each other. So at times, one of you may need to put aside personal desires for the good of the relationship. This give and take must go in both directions and not end up where one person is always being the accommodator to the other.

For more information on Dr. Walton’s self-help for marriage, log onto TheDrWaltonSeries.com. You can also follow his tips of the day on Twitter@LAtherapist. To watch the video of Dr. Walton’s History of Marriage log onto YouTube.com. For more information on Dr. Walton, and to obtain free audio affirmations log onto his website at LAtherapist.com.

Wedding Night Jitters and Other Common Wedding Anxieties

Let’s take a look at some of the sticky issues that are likely to appear around your wedding and how to handle them.

The first topic we will look at is commonly known as the wedding night jitters.

In today’s age, people are more sexually active in their relationships than they were in the past. It is highly likely that you have been having regular sex with your fiancé long before the wedding night. The biggest fear for the wedding night will probably not be about sex. More than likely, the biggest fear is going to be “is he or she really the right one for me?” “Have I dated him/her long enough?” “Do I really know this individual?” After all, you are about to do something that can’t be taken back, not even through divorce. If this happens, and nearly every engaged couple has experienced it, reflect back on the good times you have had together and remember why you love him. These jitters will pass.

Now, some other common anxieties you might encounter on your wedding night could involve hotel reservation mix-ups, canceled flights, and other unpleasant surprises that seem to fling themselves upon us at crucial moments. To survive this part, be flexible. View any glitches that come along as wedding survival stories to be told in the future. As they mellow with time, they may be seen as gifts to be treasured by you as you tell them over and over again. Every married couple has experience wedding survival stories, just ask them.

For more information on Dr. Walton’s self-help for weddings, log onto TheDrWaltonSeries.com. You can also follow his tips of the day on Twitter@LAtherapist. For more information on Dr. Walton, and to obtain free audio affirmations log onto his website at LAtherapist.com.
Press Release Catch Dr. Walton talking about the History of Marriage on YouTube.

You Can Reset Your Sleep Cycle from Early Morning Waking to Jet Lag

Just as difficulty falling and staying asleep can indicate anxiety, a sudden change in your sleep pattern where you would normally sleep until 6 or 7 am, you now find yourself wide awake at 4 am, can indicate a possible underlying depression. If this happens to you, consult with your physician and relate your symptoms. Counseling, and sometimes, anti-depressants can greatly help relieve the symptoms.

There are actually times when less sleep is beneficial to an individual is suffering from depression. They can take advantage of the early morning waking and get out of bed and go for a walk or get active in some other way. However, when dealing with depression, always consult with a licensed mental health professional.

Jet lag is another culprit when it comes to sleep disruptions. When traveling through different time zones, it can take up to two weeks to adjust to the local time. One of the best ways to aid in resetting your sleep pattern is to get out of bed at your usual time no matter how much sleep you have had. You will find that within a short period, you will begin to get sleepy at your usual time. You may not feel very rested the first few nights, but over a brief period of time your body’s internal clock will reset itself. Some people have found the addition of melatonin to be helpful when to resetting their internal clocks. Melatonin can be found at your local health food store. Inquire at the store about its use.

For more information on Dr. Walton’s self-help for sleep, log onto TheDrWaltonSeries.com. You can also follow his tips of the day on Twitter@LAtherapist. For more information on Dr. Walton, and to obtain free audio affirmations log onto his website at LAtherapist.com. Press Release

How to Release Anger and Calm Yourself Down… It’s Easier Then Your Think!

There are several ways to calm yourself down from anger.

1. You could do the hypnosis session on the Dr. Walton Anger Management Album.

2. You could do several minutes of the controlled deep breathing. You will find that on the album as well.

3. You could take a personal time out by walking away from the angering situation.

4. You could do a progressive muscle relaxation starting with relaxing your toes and moving up to the top of your head.

Another way to purge yourself of angry feelings is to do the opposite of your impulse. Do something nice for that person. Just the act of doing something nice is enough to release anger’s stranglehold. It also builds intimacy and a greater sense of trust with the ones you love. Never miss an opportunity to build trust and intimacy. You can do it even when you are angry.

Now, this brings us to the final point. That point is that no one else is responsible for your angry actions. All behavior that we engage in, including anger, first passes as a thought. We think our way into anger. We can also think our way out of it.

You alone make yourself angry and you alone control your own behavior. No one else is responsible for your anger but you. You have the power over your choices and actions and therefore you have the power over your anger.

Acting out our anger through yelling, slamming and hitting can have an adverse effect on your health. Angry behavior is very destructive to our important relationships. And, angry behavior can get us in trouble with the law.

When a couple continually acts out their anger on one another, their love begins to die. Instead of arguing, discuss the pros and cons of something. Negotiate for what you want, but don’t argue. It always takes two to argue. You can stop an argument by not engaging.

Instead of arguing, set a time in the future to discuss the issue when you have both calmed down. When you come back together, discuss the issue in a calm manner and be accepting of each other’s feelings, including the anger.

The spontaneous expression of anger is destructive. Express your angry feelings later when they are not so strong and the risk of impulsive behavior is reduced. Express yourself in a controlled and contained way. Reduce the demand that things must go your way. Then, acknowledge the other emotions that are behind the anger. You can actually use the situation as an opportunity to build a deeper sense of intimacy with your partner rather than using the acting out of anger to build greater distance.

Remember, no one else is responsible for your actions but for you. No one can make you think or feel anything and only you make yourself angry.

For more information on Dr. Walton’s anger self-help, log onto TheDrWaltonSeries.com. You can also follow his tips of the day on Twitter@LAtherapist. For more information on Dr. Walton, and to obtain free sample audio affirmations log onto his website at LAtherapist.com. Press Release

What to Do If You Are with Someone Who Is Angry

When you are feeling very angry, it is not the time to talk about your emotions. If you are standing when you are feeling angry, sit down, take several deep breaths inhaling through your nose and exhaling through your mouth. Try counting backwards from twenty and get some distance between feelings and actions. When we are feeling angry and standing, we have an inner drive to approach and this could lead to a physical encounter. Go off, and cool down. However, let the other person know that you will be back. It shows that you have respect for the other person and that will count for a lot when you come back together to discuss the issue.

If you are with someone whose anger is escalating you can help the situation by telling them to “stop” and “calm down.” Get them to sit down if they are standing. If the other person is already out of control with their anger, just get out of their way and physically leave the situation. Do not engage them if they have a potential weapon in their hand.

Do not try to talk with each other about feelings when one person is very angry. This can lead to tracking. Tracking is when one person follows the other around and continues with the verbal attack. Tracking can lead to physical violence when the person being followed feels there’s no escape. We track because we have a fear of being abandoned. Do not track another person. Just allow them to go off and cool down.

Anger always has another emotion behind it. Often our anger is a front for fear, pain, hurt, shame or guilt or any combination of those. When angry, sit down quietly and ask yourself, “What is behind my anger?” What am I afraid of, what am I hurt by? What am I ashamed of? What is my guilt? Doing this can help you gain insight into your anger and allow you to deal with it more appropriately.

If you are yelling and hitting things or acting out of control in any other way, you are not expressing your feelings clearly. When we act out our feelings in place of verbalizing them in plain English, others interpret our actions from their own personal past experiences. For instance, if I tell you in a calm and controlled manner that I felt angry over your being late for dinner, I am clearly expressing my feelings in plain language that leaves little room for misinterpretation. However, if I begin to jump up and down and start yelling and hitting things because I am angry at your being late, you will become defensive and begin to shut down to what I am trying to say. You will move away emotionally. You will not be able to clearly understand my message because you are too busy trying to protect yourself.

We interpret actions from our reservoir of past experiences. By acting out anger through actions instead of clearly verbalizing it through words, our listeners are left to interpret our actions in their own way. We then have no control of their interpretation. It is like playing a dangerous game of charades.

When we act out our anger, we are in danger of feeding upon its energy and expanding it. Contrary to popular belief, acting out anger whether shouting or hitting something does not release us from anger. It actually amps up our angry feelings. Instead, it is better to do something that will calm us down.

It is important to quiet ourselves in the midst of our anger. When we are angry, we fill our heads with angry words and leave no space for listening to our inner voice. This is the reason why we are so off center when we are angry. We have no connection with our internal wisdom at those times.

For more information on Dr. Walton’s anger self-help, log onto www.TheDrWaltonSeries.com. You can also follow his tips of the day on Twitter@LAtherapist. For more information on Dr. Walton, and to obtain free sample audio affirmations log onto his website at LAtherapist.com. Press Release

Getting Anger under Control Is Easier Than You Might Think!

To get a better handle on your anger, reduce the things you think you need to have to things you want to have. We become angry when we convince ourselves that the things we really want are things we need. There are very few things we need in our lives. Those needs that we do have relate directly to our immediate survival. Our daily upsets almost never relate directly to our immediate survival.

To reduce anger, reduce the demand that something must be your way to a request. Reducing it from a demand to a request will help to reduce the anger that you feel. For example, exchange “I must always get my way,” with “It would be nice if I got my way.” Notice the change in your attitude and demeanor when you exchange “must” with “I would like.”

Try asking yourself if the angering situation is going to really matter 100 years from now. What is your answer? Then ask yourself if you would rather be right or happy. Sometimes we prefer to be right, but usually we prefer to be happy. These are two techniques for reducing the demand that things go your way.

Never attempt to settle an argument when you are angry. Walk away from the situation, sit down and cool off. Deal with the situation later when you are rational. Feel with your heart, but act from your head.

Dealing with a situation when your anger is out of control can only lead to disaster. Never punish children when you are angry. Walk away, calm down, and then deal with the child. Punishing a child when you are angry only teaches the child to distrust you and it damages their sense of safety with you. It also teaches that inappropriate acting out is OK for settling issues. I want to reiterate that acting out behavior is not OK for settling issues.

For more information on anger self-help, log onto TheDrWaltonSeries.com. You can also follow his tips of the day on Twitter@LAtherapist. For more information on Dr. Walton, and to obtain free sample audio affirmations log onto his website at LAtherapist.com. Press Release

The Healthy Expression of Anger... You Can Do It!

The healthy expression of anger is when we are able to verbalize our angry feelings in a calm and controlled assertive manner. It is important for us to own our feelings and clearly verbalize them. In order to assert your feelings clearly in a way that can be heard, follow these four steps rather than exploding with anger.

1) Describe the offending behavior.
2) Express how you feel about the offending behavior.
3) Explain the effects the offending behavior has on you.
4) Request a different behavior that you would prefer over the offending behavior.

An example would be: "When I find the knapsack on the table I become angry, because it leaves me no place to put my work down. Would you please place the knapsack in your bedroom instead?"

By doing this, the listener is more open to your request. You invite them in to be part of the solution. You confront with control.

Uncontrolled acting out of anger interferes with talking and listening. By speaking in a calm voice, others are better able to hear your feelings and hopefully respond to you in a similar and respectful way.

For more information on Dr. Walton’s anger self-help, log onto The Dr. Walton Series. You can also follow his tips of the day on Twitter@LAtherapist. For more information on Dr. Walton, and to obtain free sample audio affirmations log onto his website at LAtherapist.com. Press Release

Understanding Anger: Expression vs. Acting Out

Anger is the emotion that we are least willing to let go of. Once we are caught in its grasp, we hold onto it by repeating the angering incident over and over in our heads. This type of reflection can cause our anger to exaggerate to the point where it feels out of control. However, our experience with anger doesn’t have to be this way. In fact, anger can have a positive effect on our interpersonal relationships. Anger causes our energy level to rises enabling us to take needed action.

In my private practice in Los Angeles, I have discovered that many people do not realize that there’s a difference between feeling anger and acting out anger. Most people never realize that anger can be a healthy feeling which can motivate us to constructive solutions. When we act out anger, it involves an explosive effect that is typically destructive. When we engage in acting out anger, we avoid the healthy expression of our needs behind the anger.

Anger is a signal that something is wrong with our environment. Often, it’s a sign that our boundaries have been crossed and we need to fix it. We also feel anger when we are confronted with the unpleasant fact that we can’t control other people. We also feel anger when we are denied what we believe we are entitled to. Our anger is an attempt to control others and compensate for our feelings of helplessness.

Once we recognize our anger and deal appropriately with the triggering event, there is no need for continuing to hold onto the anger. Anger has done its job of warning us and raising our energy level so that we may take action. Once that is accomplished, anger has completed its usefulness.

Many times we hold onto anger well past the point of its constructive usefulness. We become invested in the belief that acting out our anger makes us more powerful or effective. In actuality, it does neither. Holding onto anger, past its usefulness, makes us appear weak and unstable. We then use it as an unhealthy way of holding onto the past. This is the point where we confuse the healthy expression of anger with the destructive acting out.

The healthy expression of anger is when we are able to verbalize our angry feelings in a calm and controlled assertive manner. It is important for us to own our feelings and clearly verbalize them.

For more information on Dr. Walton’s self-help anger album, log onto www.TheDrWaltonSeries.com. You can also follow his tips of the day on Twitter@LAtherapist. For more information on Dr. Walton, and to obtain free audio affirmations log onto his website at LAtherapist.com. Press Release

Overcome Fear of the Dentist... Yes You Can!

Are you giving yourself negative thoughts, ideas, and words that are deterring you from going to the dentist?

Many people have a fear of the dentist and avoid dental appointments at all costs. Frequently, the cost is at the expense of their teeth and health.

Fear of the dentist is frequently about the fear of losing control. It can also be instigated by a particularly bad experience that may have happened at the dentist’s in the past. Anything associated with the dentist at the moment you were experiencing discomfort can become instantly associated with an anxious response.

Maybe it is the sound of the instruments; maybe it is the sight of the office, or even the sound of the doctor’s voice. If you’ve felt discomfort at the dentist’s office in the past there is a good chance you have created an association between the symbols of the dentist and anxiety. In any case, it feels like a loss of control and anytime we feel out of control we feel anxiety.

Understand that going to the dentist is actually about you gaining control. By taking care of your teeth, you are gaining control of your body, health and appearance. Seeing your dentist is definitely about you taking control of your life and situation.

I have created a free audio affirmation to help you overcome the thoughts and actions that have interfered with your ability to take care of your dental needs. This recording offers a quick way to align your consciousness with new attitudes and thoughts that will foster your confidence, lift your sense of calm, and take back the power that lies inherently within you.

This affirmation is here to serve you. It is designed to tap into the incredible strength of your mind to connect you to the power of your thoughts and build your sense of personal control.

Listening to this affirmation is an opportunity to train your unconscious mind with positive messages. It allows you to empower yourself with thoughts that support your sense of personal control and health.

Simply relax your body and mind with a few deep breaths and then follow the words on the audio, repeating them to yourself. It’s as easy as that.
Clicking on the audio link to access the page and you are on your way! Feeling Relaxed at the Dentist Audio Link.

For more information on Dr. Walton’s self-help albums, log onto www.TheDrWaltonSeries.com. You can also follow his tips of the day on Twitter@LAtherapist. For more information on Dr. Walton, log onto his website at LAtherapist.com.