Therapist as Shaman

Shamanism appears to be the earliest form of healing that we are aware of to date.  It has existed throughout the world from Russia to Australia, from China to the Americas.  Although there is no one explanation as to how shamanism spread throughout the world, the two that are most popular today is that either shamanism began in Siberia and spread, or that it sprang up spontaneously throughout the world.  There are common aspects of shamanism found throughout the world.  They are findings of teeth, bones, feathers, bird feet, helmets with streamers, skirts with skins, mirrors, crystals, horns, drums, antlers, and statues with toungs that allow researchers to determine whether shamanism existed within a particular society.

            The shaman believes that evil spirits cause illness for the body.  They believe that they can create magic with their words and ritual actions that can drive the evil spirits from the body.  To do this, they must first protect themselves from these spirits, then enter into an altered state of consciousness characterized by a state of ecstasy.  They believe they are able to visit three worlds of reality:  The Under World that represents terror and power, The Middle World in which they see the spirits of this world among us, and The Upper World that is the world of deities.  When Someone claims that they are able to perceive those three worlds, they are having a shamanistic experience. 

                What distinguishes a shaman from a professional priest or healer, is that he is a part-time practitioner.  The training passes down individually from teacher to student.  There are no large schools which train people to become a shaman.  There are two principal ways for a person to become a shaman.  The first way is to be born into a shaman lineage and follow in the footsteps of the ancestors.  The second, and most common way, is to experience a calling for the position.  A calling is perceived by a series of events recognized by the tribe and the individual.  Such events involve:  separation, communication with other beings, ecstatic experiences, a sense they are going to be a shaman and the seeking out of a shaman to train with.

            Psychotherapists can learn much from the shaman.  The Shaman represents a multi-dimensional view of reality.  He believes that reality is a creation of the unconscious.  As therapists, we too would do well to learn how to embrace a multi-dimensional view of reality.  By understanding that there is a conscious and unconscious, as well as the different levels of the unconscious:  the world unconscious, personal unconscious, and collective unconscious, we may gain a better insight into the issues of our clients.  I have often seen a client's material world appear to match his/her personal outlook on life.  By understanding this process, which the shaman seems to know so well, we may be able to help our clients pull themselves out of undesirable real world experiences. 

            The shaman expands what is and what can be through their and their clients' belief in magic.  There are times when therapists encounter patients who are only able to see the world through a lens of black and white.  Often, a client may feel that there is no way he will ever be able to change his life.  By assisting our clients to view the possibilities of change as the shaman does with his clients, we may be able to help the client break the chains of status quo that binds him to the old and possibly self-destructive ways.

            The shaman acknowledges that she is not the one who is creating the change for the client.  She is aware that it is a greater force that she can not control, but only influence.  We too, must recognize that we are not able to change the client, but can only influence him/her with new out looks and ideas.  It is up to the client to accept what is given to her and use it in her life.  As therapists, we have no control over the client's unconscious mind.  This is a great force over which we have no control.  We may be able to assist with some influence, but we must always be as cognizant, as the shaman, that we cannot control it.

                 The shaman lives in the real world.  She holds employment outside the shaministic activities.  She does not allow her activities as a shaman to fill her with false pride, or allow her to look down on others with a sense of being superior.  It might be easy for some psychotherapists to become filled with a sense of self-importance as they watch their clients improving.  These therapists could easily become arrogant and loose touch with empathy for the client.  The shaman never forgets that she is a human being and is not above or below the client, but is able to stay in touch with the humanness of herself and the client's.  The Shaman works together with the client, as does a psychotherapist.  The shaman does not blame herself if a cure does not come forth.  The same should hold true for a therapist.  If a therapist believes too strongly that she alone is responsible for change in her clients' lives, then she may be setting him or herself up for over-involvement in a client's life and lose her objectivity.

            The shaman also protects himself before practicing his trade.  So should a therapist.  Often therapists neglect to protect themselves from a client's emotional and mental states.  Depression and anxiety are two especially contagious emotions.  There are times when a therapist comes home from the office, only to find that he is experiencing similar emotions of the client, or they just feel especially drained from a particular patient.  Shamans do not feel drained from their work.  They do not take on any of the emotional states of the client.  Shamans enjoy their work.  As therapists, we too need to protect ourselves so we may continue to enjoy our work and recognize the boundary between ourselves and our work, and ourselves and our clients.

            As part-item healers, shamans are able to keep their egos separate from the work.  Professional therapists have a difficult time keeping their egos out of their work.  The part time status of the shaman allows them to deal with the real world.  This is the world from where their clients come.  It also allows them to perceive themselves as a part of the society and an understanding of the people for whom they perform their work. 

               Therapists would do well to work part time, or at least have outside hobbies and activities that involve them out side of their careers.  By doing so, their chances of defining themselves by their careers and losing perspective life would diminish greatly.  They would then be able to maintain and enhance themselves as useful assistants to their clients.

            Both shaman and therapists provide their clients with a conceptual framework with which to work.  The clients of both come to them often with chaotic and vague distress.  Shamans explain to their clients why the client is having the experience, and what they can expect of an outcome.  Just knowing these simple "answers" can help a client begin a healing process.  As therapists, we too can assist our clients in understanding why something is going on for them and what they can expect.  It will help them to conceptualize their distress and give them hope that maybe something can relieve their discomfort.  This arouses a hope for cure.  Without a hope for cure, the client will probably not want to bother with working on their issues. 

            In order to arouse this hope for a cure the shaman creates an air of authority through the belief that she is in touch with powerful forces and fosters the belief that she will struggle with the client against the forces that cause her malaise.  As psychotherapists, we create our authority through our education and licenses.  Knowledge and experience may be viewed as powerful forces that psychotherapists are in touch with.  If psychotherapists take an approach similar to the shaman's with their clients, by fostering the belief that they will struggle with the client for change, then maybe that would encourage a closer relationship with the client allowing for depth work to take place.

            The shaman elicits vivid emotions in the client.  From the shaman's point of view, these emotions are very helpful in the healing process.  We can learn from the shaman to remember the important aspect of assisting our clients in experiencing emotions.  Psychotherapists assist their clients by leading them into the pain and exploring it.  As psychotherapists, we understand the importance of allowing our clients to experience their emotions.

             The work of the shaman should serve as a teaching guide to psychotherapists.  The shaman reminds us that the work of the mind is as much as an art as a science.  It is the art of our work that keeps us in touch with the client.  It is the art that sparks our creativity and puts us in touch with our humanity.  Like the shaman, we experience a calling that draws us to this profession from somewhere deep in our souls, beyond our physical world at the point where we are aware of our connection to all that exists.  If we take nothing else from the shaman, let us take his wisdom that we interconnect with all that exists; and we must work within its laws.  Science gives us the tools and knowledge; but art, the art of the shaman, gives us the creativity and understanding to use those tools in a way that can benefit mankind to the depths of his soul.

For more information on Dr. Jim's self-help audios with free samples, log onto www.TheDrWaltonSeries.com.  For more information on Dr. Jim, and to obtain free audio affirmations, log onto his website at LAtherapist.com. 

What Is Hypnosis?

Hypnosis can change unwanted habits. It can change lack of motivation into a powerful desire for change and it can change your life if used correctly.

Hypnosis is a natural state that we all go in and out of every day. For the purposes of hypnosis, we can say that our minds are divided into two sections: the conscious and unconscious. In the conscious mind, we use logic, reasoning and will power. In the unconscious, we form associations and responses; it is the part of the mind that holds the imagination. It does not know the difference between fact and fantasy. The unconscious makes up 88% of our thought power; the conscious makes up only 12%. In hypnosis, we harness that 88% to our advantage because that 88% is much stronger than the 12%.

Through hypnosis, we distract the conscious part of the mind from blocking the messages we want to place in the unconscious. The distraction of our conscious mind causes us to become highly suggestible to ideas.

An example of this takes place when we are driving. Can you remember how difficult it was, learning to drive a car? The first few times you did it, you had to remember a lot. The first time you drove on a highway, you had to remain alert and probably drove slowly and cautiously. Now, you just get into the car and drive without thinking. Sometimes you might actually find yourself passing by your exit, or wondering how you arrived at your destination, you did not remember getting there. You may have found yourself getting into your car on a Saturday intending to go to the store only to find yourself driving halfway to work before you realized what you were doing.

These are all cases of driving your car while you are under a state of hypnosis. It is actually a very safe state to be driving in. While we are driving under hypnosis, we are using our unconscious mind, which already knows how to drive a car. If we did not use the unconscious part of our mind when we drove, we would have to learn how to drive each time we got into the car. This would not be a safe thing to do.

The unconscious knows how to drive the car. It enables us to do all of the maneuvers that are automatic for driving. What we need to remain conscious of, is where we are going. That is why we end up going to work on a Saturday when we intend to go to the store. We simply go into hypnosis as soon as we get into the car and drive without thinking. For some of us, the steering wheel becomes the trigger that sends us into instant hypnosis. As we place our hands on the wheel, our unconscious takes over and we begin to drive.

We instinctively know what to do. That is because all of the associations with the trigger are lodged deep in our unconscious and we respond to that.

Clinical hypnosis in a therapist’s office is something very similar. With hypnosis for relaxation, you place a trigger in your unconscious mind that will allow you to feel peace and safety instantly anywhere you are. With it, you can convert any stressful feelings of anxiety into healthy feelings of empowering excitement. You place this trigger there yourself and you have access to it at anytime.

Through hypnosis you are using the most powerful part of your mind, the unconscious, to reduce your feelings of anxiety through the creation of images. This association is similar to the association you might now have with a steering wheel and automatically driving. Your unconscious will experience these images as real since it can not distinguish the difference between reality and fantasy.

Through hypnosis you can change many different types of behavior simply by reprogramming your unconscious mind. You can find greater peace in your life, fall asleep at night more quickly, reduce tension and anxiety, stop smoking, lose weight, get motivated for exercise, improve test taking and memory, overcome many different types of fears, resolve grief, and heal old wounds from breakups and negative experiences.

For more information on Dr. Walton’s self-help hypnosis audios, log onto www.TheDrWaltonSeries.com. For more information on Dr. Walton, and to obtain free audio affirmations log onto his website at LAtherapist.com.

Overcoming Depression

Everybody experiences moments or even a few days of being down in the dumps and/or sad from time to time. This is a very normal experience we all have occasionally. People often refer to getting the blues as being in a depression.

However, clinical depression is a distinct experience from getting the blues. There is a difference between getting the blues and clinical depression. Anyone can get the blues.
It's a temporary, and normal, reaction to stress or difficult situations and times.

The blues come and go they usually don't affect our sense of self-worth or cause us to experience physical symptoms such as weight loss or gain or have suicidal thoughts.

As opposed to the blues, clinical depression is much longer lasting and is more intense affecting not only our mood, but our thinking, our bodies, our abilities to perform our jobs and our social interaction.

Clinical depression brings on feelings of inadequacy, generalized loss of interest of pleasure, social withdrawal, feelings of guilt or brooding about the past, irritability, excessive anger, decreased activity, effectiveness or productivity.

In children, it is observed in impaired school performance
and social interaction. They are usually irritable and cranky as well as depressed. They can also suffer from low self-esteem and poor social skills and are pessimistic.

Many people often don't recognize that clinical depression is a serious illness. They will frequently see it as character flaw in the individual, or something that you just need to buck up and get over.

It's not uncommon to hear someone tell them to just snap out of it. It's no easier for someone with clinical depression to just snap out of it than it is for someone with a broken leg to just get over it and walk. Clinical depression is a condition that needs to be treated professionally for the best recovery results.

Some depressions are a result of chemical imbalances in the brain and can be treated with anti-depressant medication.
Others respond to treatment in a one-on-one situation in psychotherapy along with improved nutrition and exercise.
And others could benefit from a combination of all of them.

In any case, clinical depression does not generally go away on its own and it requires some from of treatment for the best results.

Statistically, women are two to three times more likely to develop clinical depression than men. Over the course of a lifetime, approximately 6% of the general population will develop clinical depression.

It generally has an early onset beginning sometime in childhood, adolescence or early adulthood. There is a strong correlation that it is more common among first-degree biological relatives of people clinical depression than among the general population.

Men have a difficult time admitting that they are experiencing depression. They have been taught to hold onto their feelings through the culture of the society. They also generally have a biological disadvantage to identifying their feelings and putting them into words.

Their brains are designed to think linearly in order to triage easily and come to fast solutions. Therefore their brains somewhat sacrifice the ability to observe extended connections and draw connections to their feelings. The result is that men have a more difficult time placing words to their feelings.

They feel feelings as strongly as women, they just don't know how to identify them as easily. Hence, when men go into depression they tend to isolate more than women. They also tend to experience anger more when depressed than women. Men have been socialized in a way that anger is considered one of the few acceptable expressions of emotion. Therefore, it is not uncommon for men to appear grumpy or angry when they are depressed. They also are more action oriented than women, so they go into action by isolating, or throwing themselves into their work.

Men are taught to go it alone and tough it out. To seek out help is to appear weak. They are least likely to reach out for help when they most need it and could most benefit from it.

The suppression of these feelings and their internalization of them by men can lead to host of physical symptoms that can be made worse by their reluctance to care for themselves during these times due to a lowered sense of self esteem.

Women, on the other hand, have more access to their feelings as a result of their brain structure as well as the benefit of a culture that supports their expression of feelings. Women more easily recognize when they are feeling depressed and are more likely to reach out to other women or therapy for help over men.

However, women have a tendency to internalize and blame themselves, which may impede them to reach out for help. They have also been taught to sacrifice themselves for others and may then ignore their own feelings and not reach out for help.
There is also a tendency for women in depression to focus on the negative, which makes the symptoms of their depression worse and cuts them off from reaching out for help as a hopeless endeavor.

To help move yourself away from depression:

Check automatic thoughts. What is the evidence its true, what's the evidence its not true. Make a more reasonable statement by combining the two.
Volunteer and take the focus off yourself, get out of being internally focused.
Buy self flowers. Scents such as vanilla and baked bread have an uplifting effect.
Exercise.
How would you treat yourself if you were a friend?
Schedule pleasant events
Sometimes, it is anger turned inward to protect others around them from their feelings so they attack their mood with depression.
Meditation, exercise and proper nutrition are very helpful
Separate out facts from feelings, just because you feel something doesn't make it a fact. Sometimes our thoughts and feelings can lie to us about what is real.
Learn how to communicate with others better by reading books or going to therapy.
Get a therapist who you feel comfortable talking with.
Seek medical attention for your depression

I generally recommend seeing a psychiatrist for treating the medical aspect of depression. They are specifically trained to help you choose the best medication available for your condition if you choose to use medication. Milder forms of depression can be treated with psychotherapy alone, but more sever forms generally require a combination of both medication and psychotherapy for maximum benefit and recovery.

If you know of someone suffering from depression and you want them to seek help:

Be straight forward to tell them about the behaviors you are observing.

Do not stigmatize them by calling them crazy, or defective in some way.

Tell them that they are not alone and that many other people who have sought treatment for depression have been helped.

Do not judge them rather emphasize the benefits they might gain from receiving help, such as an improvement in their mood and feelings, improvement in their thoughts and greater success in their relationships and at work.

Give them hope.

From time to time, bring up the options and benefits for help.
Pass along articles that you find. Do this at a very measured pace. If you bring it up too often or are too forceful about it, it will only lead the person who is experience depression to isolate more or become more resistant to any form of treatment or help.
Show interest in their entire life, not just in whether or not they get treatment.

To help a resistant partner get help for depression, it is important for them to see the benefits of such help for themselves as well as for their family. It is important for the individual's family and or partner to have empathy for them and their experience.

Try to view their experience through their eyes without blaming them or telling them to snap out of it. It may be helpful to set a therapy appointment or doctor's appointment together. Don't blame them as the problem or refer to them as the sick one. This would only lead them to avoid receiving any kind of help in a bid to prove that they are OK on their own.

However, if someone staunchly refuses treatment, there is only so much you can do as long as they are not a danger to themselves or others. You can only do what you can do.

Talk therapy, usually referred to as psychotherapy, can be very helpful for all forms of depression. Marriage and Family Therapists, Clinical Social Workers, Psychologists and Psychiatrists are all qualified to treat depression through talk therapy.

The goals of therapy are to:
Improve mood and stability
Decrease irritability
Increase motivation and interest in life
Improve memory
Improve sleep in quality and pattern
Improve outlook on life
Improve energy
Improve clarity of thought and cognition
Improve sexual desire
Eliminate suicidal thoughts
Improve functioning at work, school and home

Psychiatrists are the only ones who are licensed to dispense medication and they generally limit their practices to handling the medical side of depression leaving the talk therapy side to MFTs, Social Workers and Psychologists.

For more information on depression log onto www.LAtherapist.com. For free samples and self-help audios, log onto the Dr. Walton Series at www.HypnoCD.com

The Importance of Feeling Our Feelings

Half the information we get from the world comes from our thinking, the other half comes from our feelings. When we cut ourselves off from our feelings (narcissism), we are cut off from half the information available to us in our world. By cutting off from our feelings, we cut off from the messages of our internal self.

No one outside of ourselves can control our feelings. Others may influence our thoughts and thinking, but our feelings emanate solely out of the core of our being. They are completely created within us. Our feelings are completely our own. They give us a sense of independence from others and define us as separate individuals. When we cut ourselves off from our feelings, we take away from our sense of independence. ‘

We lose our sense of personal independence when we cut off from our feelings because our only remaining information source, thinking, is vulnerable to the influence of the world around us. Thinking can be influence by others. When we are cut off from our feelings, we can only express our feelings through anger or maudlin sentimentality. Any other expression seems to threaten our sense of security. Those two expressions of feelings are then viewed as the only acceptable expression of feeling.

We can cut off from our feelings because they feel messy or they make us feel vulnerable or, for some reason, we were punished for feeling and expressing them when we were children. As a result, we cut off from our feelings to protect ourselves from feeling bad. Protecting ourselves by restricting feelings that make us feel bad, we become more dependent on our thinking for information about our world. Being more dependent on our thinking, we become more protective of it, which can lead to hostility with others if we feel they are threatening our sense of independence by influencing our thinking.

When thinking becomes the sole way of relating to the world, any feeling other than anger or sentimentality seems to threaten our sense of stability. We then shuttle our messy feelings farther and farther away from our awareness to protect ourselves from the discomfort they carry with them. The vulnerability we feel from our feelings is then seen as a threat to our independence. As we depend on thinking more and more, we grow more and more vulnerable to the influence of others affecting our thinking. This causes us to increasingly withdraw from connection with others. Thus, our efforts to protect ourselves by cutting off from feelings actually causes us to feel increasingly more vulnerable in the world as it causes us to withdraw from connection to others.

This vulnerability and the resulting disconnect from our world can be completely reversed by open up to our feelings. When we open up to our feelings, we are able to experience and express a greater range of emotion. We are then able to process information through our feelings as well as through our thoughts. Our feelings are generated solely within ourselves. No one else is in control of or responsible for our feelings. They are solely our own and allow us to feel a sense of independence over ourselves in our world.

Understanding and experiencing our range of feelings gives us more information about our world and in turn, because they emanate solely from us, we feel a greater sense of independence and differentiation from others. We don’t feel so vulnerable to others when we are able to recognize and value our feelings.

For more information on getting in touch with your feelings, log onto LAtherapist.com or for more information on self-help downloads, and to listen to free samples, log onto The Dr. Walton Series at HypnoCD.com. Check out the Free Affirmations.

Hidden Bias... the secret stumbling block

On Friday, the House passed the Gender-based Pay Discrimination Act for victims to sue for more money and require employers to meet a higher standard to justify pay disparities. This is an important piece of legislation to combat an insidious type of sexism that has been embedded deeply within the national consciousness. Many employers will find this legislation offensive because they do not think of themselves as sexist at all.

However, as the economy gets worse, we will see more sexism, along with all of the other "isms," coming out of the closet as well (statistics). The interesting thing is that the people who are sexist don't actually see themselves in that light at all. They have a sexist bias that is actually hidden from their awareness. They perceive themselves as behaving in a forthright and honest manner and see themselves as good people who would never be sexist. They are blind to their own sexist behavior. In other words, they believe that they would never “not hire” someone because they were a woman, or for that matter a man. However, they rationalize their not hiring of a particular individual (because of a sexist bias) by hyper-focusing on the detractors of that individual. These same detractors would be given less emphasis on someone with whom they did not experience a sexist bias.

This is called a confirmation bias. We use this bias to confirm our unconscious desired outcome. In the process, we unconsciously seek out the proof to support our bias while ignoring any contrary data. We believe we can’t be biased because we are “good guys” and therefore any reason we have for not accepting the other person is attribute to the evidence we have selectively culled out to form our opinion. This process is known as self-justification.

Their bias causes them to have a tendency to judge their recipient more harshly than another, although the biased individual is blind to this behavior. Their internal bias would have them ultimately reject the candidate out of the system for "other" reasons for which they feel well justified. This includes pay raises. This makes the bias self-reinforcing and therefore they never see that they are acting in a biased manner. They see themselves as being right and feel that any reasonable person would agree with their "rightness." To them, anyone who disagrees with their way of thinking is obviously not seeing the situation clearly.

In that same vein, we tend to hire and promote people who remind us of ourselves. In second place, we will hire and promote people who try to emulate us. For that reason, employers are frequently biased in their hiring, promoting and pay raise practices even when they sincerely protest such accusations. They, like most of us, are blind to their biases.

How do we know if we are biased? That is a very difficult thing to ascertain all on your own. Generally, these biases are blind spots in our personality that we just don’t see without some type of external source reflecting them back to us. The best way to discover biases is to talk to your friends. Ask them about their impressions of you and any biases they might detect. Also, listen very closely to criticisms you might receive from others. Criticisms often carry important information about the parts of ourselves that we don’t want to acknowledge. This information can have value even if it’s delivered in a negative way. The more reactive you are to the criticism, the more you may need to pat attention to what’s being said.

The way to overcome your newly discovered biases is to put aside your self-justifications and take responsibility for your behavior and address the problem.

For more information on understanding bias log onto LAtherapist.com or for more information on self-help downloads, and to listen to free samples, log onto The Dr. Walton Series at HypnoCD.com.

Learning & Memory - Making it more effective

Learning and memory take place in three stages. The first stage is the sensory stage. In this stage, information is retained very briefly, less than one second. It is retained just long enough for us to develop a perception about the information.

The second stage involves the short term memory. It lasts about 30 seconds if we don’t rehearse the information we have just received. However, it is very limited. We will hold things in short term memory for only as long as we recite it in our minds. It is also limited to about seven items at a time. We can increase our short term memory by “chunking” information into units of items with no more than seven items per unit and limiting the number of units to seven. That is how phone numbers are organized. They are given three units with three to four numbers each such as 818-555-4444.

Where short term memory can be considered as the RAM of a CPU. Long term memory can be considered the hard drive. It is believed that long term memory is permanent. Everything that goes into the long term memory is considered stored forever. However, we may actually lose our ability to locate that information.

Even though long term memory is permanent, it may not be accurate. Over time and very slowly, our memory changes. You might consider tiny bits of information falling out over time and then being replaced by other bits. Over time, we believe we have an accurate memory when in reality it has changed slowly over time. To test out this theory, just ask any adult about a shared childhood experience with a sibling. More than likely, they will both have a different memory of the exact same experience and they will both staunchly believe that they their own memory is right. And to each of them it is. This is a simple demonstration of how memory can change over time.

The most important part of dropping information into long term memory is to be optimistic about learning. Give yourself positive self-talk about remembering the topic. You must also have the intention to remember something if you are going to place it effectively into long term memory.

If you are studying to learn a subject or to take an exam it is important that you only study for 50 minutes to an hour and then take a ten minute break. The break is essential for dropping the information into the long term memory. During that 10 minute break do something completely different. Relax, talk on the phone, listen to some music or go for a walk.

When you come back from your break, review the information that have just studied for a minute or two then go onto the new information you want to learn.

The brain can hold an infinite amount of information and knowledge. In fact, the more you learn the easier it is to learn even more.

We are able to place information more easily in long term memory when we attach new information to previously learned information. Long term memory works better if material is repeatedly gone over, over a long period.

When studying from a book, spend an hour reading while highlighting in different inks and taking notes in the margins of the book. We remember whatever stands out. So, make your notes colorful and scribble notes in the margins. After an hour, remember to take a 10 to 15 minute break. The breaks are as important as the study time.

It is also helpful to break information down into smaller, more manageable sections. Remember, short term memory can only hold up to seven units at a time. If it doesn’t pass through short term memory, it won’t pass through to long term memory.

Try using Acronyms so that you can remember groups of words together such as NBA for National Basketball Association, SCUBA for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus, etc.

It is also important to be relaxed when you study. If you are anxious, you cannot hold as much information in short term memory.

For more information on Dr. Walton log onto LAtherapist.com or for more information on his self-help downloads, and to listen to free samples, log onto The Dr. Walton Series.

Releasing Road Rage for a Better Driving Experience

Anger is an emotion that we are highly resistant to releasing. Once we are caught in its grasp we hold onto it by repeating the angering incident over and over in our head. Research has shown that people who suffer from chronic anger are almost three times more likely to have a heart attack than the average individual and this is according to the American psychological association.

However, our experience with anger doesn’t have to be this way. We can gain the upper hand of this emotion by changing the way we think and altering our emotional responses to it. When it comes to road rage, notice if your hands are gripping the steering wheel in an unusually tight manner. If they are, gently relax your hands while maintaining control of the steering wheel.

Notice your breathing. Notice if your breathing is free and easy or if you’re holding your breath and your breathing is shallow. By not breathing properly, we can amplify the physical sensations associated with aggression that can contribute to dangerous driving. It’s important for you to breathe deeply through your nose filling your lungs to their capacity and then exhale completely through your mouth. As you exhale allow your body to relax into a comfortable driving position. Repeat this often as necessary to help reduce any physical tension you may experience behind the wheel.

What we are listening to on the radio while we are diving is important as well. Often times, our mood will reflect or be affected by the words and style of the music we are listening to. Hard music with a driving beat often times will stimulate and agitate while music with a soothing melody will relax us. Soothing music is always preferable to listen to if you are feeling agitated while driving.

Whenever possible, make sure that you have fresh air ventilation circulating in the car. Circulating fresh air can have a calming effect. It is easy and common to feel a sense of isolation from our environment when driving behind the wheel of our car. We are separated from everyone around us and we lose touch with their humanity and view the other drivers as objects in our way intent on preventing us from arriving at our destination.

Often, we take their driving behavior personally, as if they were intending to block our path. This is not usually the case. Imagine for a moment, if you will, the annoying driver in front of you is actually a beloved relative, say your favorite grandmother. How would you be feeling towards them now? Can you think of a loving experience you shared with that individual at one time?

Notice your body’s reaction to this thought. Notice how your thoughts affect your feelings about the others around you when you do this. You may find you driving becoming more relaxed and your ability to focus grow stronger.

No matter how many obstacles you come across on your journey, whether you have a car cut in front of you or a driver driving unreasonably slow, you are always in control of your thoughts and actions and you can protect yourself and those around you by driving in manner that is safe and responsible.

Remember everyone around you is loved by somebody just as you love and were loved by your favorite relative. Feel those protective feelings as you are driving on the road.We have all experienced an aggressive driver, a sudden stop, an erratic gesture or other discourteous experience from another motorist. We’ve all been there, everyone you see around you has experience this for themselves at some point as well. Keep this in mind. Any frustration that you are experiencing on the road has been shared by others around you at some point during their own driving experience.
Will this frustrating experience really matter a week from now, is it worth arriving at your destination angry? Is it worth the risk of being involved in an accident?

Use this experience as a catalyst for changing your thoughts to change your mood to have a better day.

When driving and feeling some frustration, take a deep breath slowly through your nose and gently exhale through your mouth and tell yourself “I am in control of my thoughts and actions and my safety and the safety of my passengers is foremost in my mind as I bring us to our destination safely.”

For more information on anger management, log onto LAtherapist.com. To listen to free anger management sample downloads, log onto Anger Management.

Responding to Crisis, Trauma and Natural Disasters

Natural disasters and their increasing destructiveness are becoming a part of the American landscape. Leaving scars, not only on the land and the livelihoods of those affected but leaving scars on the psyches of the survivors as well. One only needs to look back at New Orleans and more recently to the mid-west for recent examples. More than ever, we need a greater understanding on how to cope with natural disasters both large and small.

On January, 16, 1994, I was settled into a deep sleep, comfortable in my bed and safe in my home when suddenly, at 4 AM, the ground began to shake fiercely. I missed the initial shaking lost in my slumber. Suddenly, I awaken to a horrible grinding and growling coming from every direction of my bedroom. The ground is moving violently and I hang on for dear life to a bed that is trying to throw me off. Things are crashing all around me. My thoughts began to race uncontrollably, “Don’t let go, just don’t let go.” “Oh God, what is happening?”

Flashes of blue light from exploding transformers illuminate the room with rapid brilliance then fade through the curtains of my bedroom window. Things keep crashing to the ground; floor boards and wall studs creak and moan threateningly as the angry earth throws my home in its fit of rage. “Will it hold?” I’m frightened it won’t. It feels as if the world is coming to an end. Its fury is a monster released upon my home and me and it’s out to destroy us both. No time to think, just hold onto the bed, just hold on.

Then, as suddenly as it began, it stopped. Only the sound of car alarms echoing from within the blackness of the skyline can be heard off in the distance. One by one, they too become silent; then nothing. No sound, no light, just an ear crushing silence blanketing the night on a devastated landscape.

House to house my neighbors and I begin knocking on doors; “Is everybody alright?” can be heard echoing in the night up and down the street. Children put in cars, injured attended to; neighbors who have never before spoken to each other standing shoulder to shoulder helping one another.

When we have done what we can, we gather together in the street dazed and shocked. We come together to admire the now visible Milky Way whose brilliance, for the first time, can be seen from our street in the absolute darkness. Like a silent sentry it stands above us giving comfort in the stillness as we wait for the approaching daylight and the dawn of an unknown future.

Earthquakes, floods, terrorist attacks and all other disasters, natural or manmade, can be devastating on our sense of self and sense of safety. We are aware that, in Southern California, we live in an earthquake prone area. However, their lack of predictable activity and the long lag times between them can lull us into complacency. The same can be said for terrorist attacks as well.

We must live with an underlying, and reasonable, anxiety that a major disaster could happen. However, people are very adaptable by nature and in order to live with this chronic anxiety, we learn to turn it off. Over time, we become less responsive to the anxiety signals that are intended to protect us from danger.

This is the fight/flight response and we need to dull it to go on with life in a normal way. A good example of this can be observed in modern Israel where terrorist attacks have become a way of life. Yes, they are tragic, but people adapt and life goes on around them. We are designed, as human beings, to do this. We are very adaptable, so we are adapting to our environment of anxiety by turning it off. An unfortunate consequence of this natural adaptation is to not fully prepare for the possible crisis.

After a disaster hits, we feel disbelief and shock. We can become disoriented, have difficulty making decisions and experience feelings of anxious and moodiness. Often, people will feel apathy and emotional numbing accompanied by depression and reoccurring thoughts about the event. Insomnia and nightmares are also common. These are all signs of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

The two strongest factors influencing and individual’s recovery from PTSD are the intensity of the life stressors that were occurring before the trauma and the social support network they have with others. Negative social support, such as family members’ critical comments about the length of time taken for recovery, can make a victim’s recovery time drag on even longer.

A trauma victim must start dealing with his or her feelings immediately after the event, or they can become harmful to their mental and physical health. Here are some tips for handling those feelings. Talk about the event as much as you want by sharing your feelings with those who are willing to listen. Spend more time with friends and family. Make sure to care for yourself by getting enough rest, exercise and proper nutrition.

As you are able, return to as normal of a routine as possible. Meaning, if possible, eat meals at the usual time, go to bed at the usual time, etc. Ask for help when you need it. Don’t try to cope by yourself. Receiving help is not a sign of weakness. Help others. This can be a wonderful way of regaining a personal sense of fulfillment and empowerment during a time when personal power appears to have been stripped from us at a moment’s notice.

Allow children to be more dependent than usual. Often, children and adolescents will temporarily regress to acting younger than their age. Allow this to occur without shaming them. And of course, avoid drugs and excessive drinking. They can ultimately compound the stress by creating additional problems during a time of crisis.

It is common for people to not feel the symptoms of PTSD until after the adrenalin rush of the initial shock has worn off. It can take from days to months for this to occur. This is why some people behave as strong, steady, clearheaded heroes during the initial experience of a trauma and end up depressed or suffering nightmares after the event has passed.

Given the horror of a disaster, there is also opportunity for personal growth. A disaster can “shake” us out of our old patterns of thinking by allowing us an opportunity to view our selves and lives differently. By helping others, we meet the real self that lies beneath the surface of our once complacent exterior. And, like the Milky Way, it is often best revealed in the darkest of moments.

Log onto LAtherapist.com for more information on PTSD, stress and anxiety. Take a free personality quiz to see how you respond to stress. Log onto Stress Relief & Deep Sleep, or Tension Relief for free samples of anxiety and tension relief downloads.

Healing from Grief

Grief is something we will all experience in our lives. Because we live, form attachments and love, we experience grief when these attachments and bonds are broken. It makes little difference if the break in the bond was intentional as through a decision we make, or unintentional resulting from death or the actions of another. If we had formed a bond, then we will experience grief if it is broken.

Our experience of grief is an essential process for healing from a loss. Experiencing grief is unavoidable if we are to heal. Everyone experiences grief in their own time and manner. Through the processes of grief, we both cry and laugh as we remember the individual. It is a process of integrating the reality of the loss into our lives in a way that allows us to move forward in our own life.

During the first part of the grief, we may not want to accept the reality of what has just occurred. It seems unreal, unfathomable. We then may enter a place where we may feel angry with the other person for leaving and we feel abandoned or victimized. Under that anger is our pain. It’s another indication of how deeply we loved that person. This is good, because we are getting in touch with our feelings and it shows us that we did love that person and we are angry at their loss.

We may then try to make deals with God or ourselves to bring them back, for instance, “I promise to go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life if you just bring him back.”

As the reality of the loss sinks deeper into our consciousness, we may experience a feeling of hopelessness, deep sadness and depression. This is the phase most commonly recognized in the grief process. This phase allows us to shut down and go quiet so that we may heal on the inside. We are finally acknowledging the loss but we are physically and mentally slowed down by the depression.

This slowing down process brought about by the depression allows us to gradually come to the acceptance of what has actually occurred. This is a very important part of healing from the loss and should not be rushed or avoided. Ultimately, it is a sign that you are healing. At times, we can feel all of these phases at once and sometimes we just jump around from one to the other in no particular order.

Finally, at some point, we experience a sense of acceptance for the loss. Acceptance does not mean that we like it, but we stop fighting our loss and that gives us permission to move forward and live. When we come to acceptance, we once again begin to listen to and take care of our own needs. We reach out to others and we reaffirm old relationships and we engage in new ones.

In the meantime, find those things that you enjoy doing, that give you a sense of rest from your emotions, and do those things without casting judgment on yourself. In time, you will heal.

For more information on grief and healing and a free personality profile, check out LAtherapist.com. For more information on self-help downloads, and to listen to free samples, log onto The Dr. Walton Series.

How Do I Know If My Child Has ADD?

School is back in session and the kids are settling into their academic routines with vigor and gusto. They eagerly prepare for school the night before, completing their homework, doing their chores, and even laying their cloths out for the next day. Standing at the front door, a gentle breeze blowing, bells in the distance chiming, you bid them good bye with a small kiss and pat on the head as you send them off to another perfect day of school. No arguments, no nagging, it’s just those darn bells keep ringing and getting louder and louder. You awaken suddenly. Dazed and confused. Oh no! It’s 7:00 AM!

It’s Monday. “Kids!” you scream. “Get up!” “Hurry, we’re late for school!” A flurry of activity springs into action and Monday mayhem begins all over again. “Why didn’t you tell me that your school report was due today?” can be heard over the din of activity. The flush of panic grips your heart. You wonder how will this kid ever make it if he doesn’t follow through with his homework and pay attention in school. Is there something wrong with him? Is there something wrong with you?

Children who experience difficulty finishing tasks, who are easily distracted, who squirm or fidget, talk excessively, appear to not be listening, are often forgetful, interrupt others and exhibit a greater than average amount of body movement are possible candidates for a diagnosis of Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD).

It runs in families because it has a very strong link to genetics.
More often than not, if a child in the family has ADHD, there is a good chance that at least one parent experiences it as well. In reality, approximately 3% to 5% of school age children can be diagnosed with ADHD. Up to 70% of those children will continue to experience ADHD into adulthood.

It is very difficult to diagnose ADHD in someone younger than the age of 6. Often, what appears as ADHD in a young child is the result of environmental factors at home such as lack of structure and/or poor diet. Once those factors are remedied, the disruptive ADHD like behaviors frequently clear up.

ADHD in a child can be diagnosed by a psychiatrist, child psychologist or other licensed mental health professional. Generally, the child must be showing six or more specific symptoms on a regular basis over a period of six months or longer. Although recent developments have been made in identifying the differences between and individual with ADHD and an individual without ADHD in Magnetic Brain Imaging, it is still a diagnosis more commonly made through behavioral observation by a qualified professional.

There are three subtypes of ADHD:

Combined Type (Inattentive/Hyperactive/Impulsive). Children of this subtype experience all three symptoms. Children experience this form of ADHD the most.

Hyperactive/Impulsive Type. Children of this group exhibit both hyperactive and impulsive behavior; however, they are able to focus their attention.

Inattentive Type. This subtype was once known as attention deficit disorder (ADD). These children are not impulsive or hyperactive, however, they have great difficulty staying focused and on task. Because they are not disruptive, their symptoms frequently go unnoticed.
ADHD is most commonly, and effectively, treated with stimulant medications along with educational programs and behavioral interventions. The list of stimulant medications used for treating ADHD include: Ritalin, Adderall and Concerta. These stimulants are designed to help the ADHD child ignore distractions and focus his or her attention on the task.

A new, non-stimulant, medication has entered the market called Strattera. Its effectiveness is not yet fully proven; however, the early results are quite promising. All medications come with the possible risk of side effects, so be sure to speak with your physician about those possibilities.

Children with ADHD benefit greatly from structure and routine. They would rather play than do homework. They have more difficulty with the rules that govern behaviors. They tend to drift away from following established rules which can put them at odds with the people around them.

ADHD often becomes apparent in the fourth grade. This is a time emphasis is place on working alone while sitting quietly at a desk. This can be an incredibly difficult task for children with ADHD.

Accurate diagnosis and treatment for a child with ADHD is critical. Children with ADHD are frequently suffer the brunt of jokes and teasing at school. Their impulsivity can draw attention to themselves making them targets of negative attention from other children, teachers and authority figures. Their behavior affects their social and emotional development and can cause them to lag behind other children their own age. Children with ADHD have a higher incidence of learning disabilities and conduct disorders. They are also at much greater risk of experiencing anxiety and depression than the general population. Thus, early diagnosis and treatment is important for the well-being of the child.

Once the symptoms of ADHD have been addressed and treated, the natural energy, creativity and drive of the individual can be transformed into something wonderful and fully appreciated. According to ADHDrelief.com, Ansel Adams, George Burns, Jim Carrey, Cher, Bill Cosby, Walt Disney, Albert Einstein, John F. Kennedy and many, many other famous, and highly successful people, have used their symptoms of ADHD make our world a better place.

If you suspect that your child might have ADHD please seek out a psychiatrist, child psychologist or other qualified licensed professional in your area for an accurate diagnosis and treatment. If you child has been diagnosed with ADHD, you may want to speak with the school counselor for further information on resources and programs that may be available to your child through the school. For the parents of a child with ADHD, CHADD.com is a good resource for current information and support.

For more information on ADD and childhood issues, and a free personality profile go to LAtherapist.com. For more information on self-help downloads, and to listen to free samples, log onto The Dr. Walton Series.

Marriage and Relationships - making them work

Each spring, the sound of wedding bells fill the air. It’s a time of love, of hope and of high expectations. The famous German playwright, Johan Wolfgang von Goethe, said it best when he said, “Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished.”

The concept for marriage out of love is a relatively new experience that began in Europe around 1100 ad. Up until that point, all marriages everywhere were arranged marriages based on political and financial alliances. A practice that continues to remain true for the majority of marriages around the world today.

By the late 1500’s, the idea of marriage based on love had taken hold in Europe inspiring Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet. Marriage became a decision made between the husband and wife. Shakespeare’s work explored the ecstasies of passion and the devastating consequences of fiery passion not balanced with a realistic perspective. And what blinded his heroic lovers to the realistic perspective that could have saved their lives and marriage? It was their unrealistic expectations.

Their unrealistic expectations swept them off their feet from their passionate beginning and carried them off to their tragic end. What was true in the time of Shakespeare continues to hold true today; if we allow our expectations of love to run our romance, we will never see the other person, or the marriage itself, in a realistic light. Our unrealistic expectations invite the poison pill of Shakespeare’s tragedy into our own world. Our unrealistic expectations will kill our relationship.

Statistically, arranged marriages experience lower rates of divorce than love based marriages. The reason is that the participants of arranged marriages have lower expectations of their partners. Individuals enter into arranged marriages with lower expectations and therefore experience less disappointment.

They realize that if this arranged marriage is going to work, then they have to accept responsibility for their part in creating harmony and caring with this stranger in their bed. Right from the start, they have to work on it. They do not have the luxury of depending on love to carry them through. If their marriage is going to survive, then they have to make decisions based upon what is good for the relationship. What is true for them is also true for you. If you marriage is going to survive, then you both must begin basing your decisions on what is good for the relationship above what is good for each of you alone.

With divorce rates in this nation nearing the 50 percent mark, I see one and only one culprit: unrealistic expectations. We often expect that marriage, and surely our spouses, will rescue us from our feelings of isolation and loneliness. Love will conquer all. I can assure you that it will not. Marriage is not a solution for loneliness. Under the right circumstances, two can be a lonelier number than one.

There are some things you can do to improve your marital odds. First, and foremost, lower your expectations of what your marriage and your partner are going to do for you. Healthy relationships are created by our participation in them. They are not bestowed upon us through passive participation.

By enacting decisions based upon what is good for the relationship, we help them to grow. Your marriage should be treated as a living being under your care whose health is dependent upon your attention. Your marriage is not there to be your servant. That attitude will quickly drain the vibrancy of your love and leave you to wallow in your disappointment. To have a successful marriage, we must become the loving servants of our marriage and by doing so, we will enjoy the all the gifts that a growing, healthy, and deeply loving relationship can bring.

As young lovers move forward into this wonderful and exciting time of their lives above all else, they would do well to lower what they expect out of their partner. Instead, they might consider what they can contribute ahead of what they will receive. By doing so, the magic of love is allowed to do its work in their lives.

For more information on couples and marriage go to LAtherapist.com and get your free relationship profile or log onto Surviving the Wedding for free samples of premarital downloads. You may also want to check out Dr. Walton's acclaimed Anger Management download. Catch Dr. Walton discussing how to make a marriage work on YouTube.

Internet Dating - getting the most out of it

When Valentines Day arrives, for many singles, the incessant reminders of red hearts and beautiful bouquets only add to their feelings of aloneness. Armed with an arsenal of internet sites that promise a lifetime of happiness, they join in droves. But, do those services really work?

Of all the cultural changes that were taking place at the turn of the 21st century, the introduction of internet dating has to be at the top of the list. With a stoke of a key, an individual searching for true love can have at their disposal more potential ex’s than at any other time in history. What an amazing time we live in.

Technology leading the way in the pursuit of love is actually not a new concept. Rather, it is nearly as old as civilization itself. The creation of mail service allowed people to court each other from different towns within the same area. The invention of the locomotive allowed people from farther distances to court each other. That invention fundamentally, and single-handedly, changed the genetic makeup of the world’s population forever by allowing people from great distances opportunities to form relationships.

The eventual invention of the telephone and air travel only increased the mixing of the world population not only within countries, but between continents as well. All of those inventions were the cutting edge technologies of their day for bringing people together to date and fall in love. It is fitting then, that at the dawn of this century, mankind has created, yet again, another means by which to meet and fall in: the Internet.

Yes, the Internet is here to stay and along with it Internet dating as well. Yes, Internet dating is as legitimate of a way to find true love as any of the other means in our cache of resources. However, the Internet turns the progression to coupling bliss on its head.Traditionally, people have met face to face, typically by chance, before embarking on an exchange of information and courtship. Surprisingly, the most common place for potential partners to meet has been at the work place. The advent of Internet dating is challenging that contender and moving it from the workplace to the privacy of our homes, or more accurately our computers.

Internet dating was once considered by some psychotherapists as a defense against intimacy used only by those who were afraid to reveal themselves in an authentic way or for those who were looking for fast anonymous sex. This may have been true at the very beginning; however, that is not the case today.

Today, the majority of people who turn to Internet dating are seeking out meaningful relationships. The Internet is a wonderful tool. In our busy society, professionals often have a difficult time finding the time to meet people. Internet dating services allow individuals to seek out potential dates while maximizing their efforts by having access to hundreds of potentials at their fingertips. These services also allow individuals to define parameters for potential mates that help to narrow down the search to people that might interest them.

However, Internet dating is far from perfect. People can distort, exaggerate or outright lie about themselves. Most of it is harmless and is based in feelings of insecurity and a desire to be accepted. The most common mistruths presented by men on the Internet are adding an inch to their height, shaving a couple of years off their age or adding a few dollars to their income.

Women tend to shave off a few pounds with an occasional year or two. A simple way to uncover a mistruth about age is to ask candidly, “What year did you graduate high school?” Most people know that answer right off the tip of their tongue. Any extended hesitation begins to feel like a calculation is being made. A person who is basically honest but feeling insecure with his or her age will often take that opportunity to confess the mistruth. If this is the case, deal with it in an understanding manner. After all, this is a person who can actually admit when they are wrong. Not such a bad find.

Presenting a mistruth in your profile is certainly not recommended. Your potential date will eventually find out the truth and may feel deceived by you if you allowed it to continue. That is not a good idea if you want to build trust a new relationship.If you do encounter one of those mistruths, it does not have to be cause for ending the relationship. Instead, turn it into an opportunity to discuss what honesty and trust in a relationship mean to each of you. Now, if you uncover a lie that is more than a small shave here or there, then it may be time to blow the whistle and drop the flag on that relationship. There is no need to stay with someone you don’t trust when there are so many potential people out there you could trust.

The real trick to dating on the Internet is to keep your email communications short and sweet. Keep your emails limited to four or five sentences. The entire point of email communication is to move the conversation to telephone communication. When you have made phone contact, you want to move it along to a face to face meeting.

All of this technological progress in the arena of dating is great, but it doesn’t, and never will, replace good old fashioned, interpersonal one-on-one time for getting to know another person. So yes, Internet dating services really do work by giving you the opportunity to meet more people than you ever could without them. However, like a good pair of running shoes, they can get you to the finish line faster but you still have to run the race yourself.

For more information on on-line dating go to LAtherapist.com and get your personality profile. For more information on self-help downloads, and to listen to free samples, log onto The Dr. Walton Series.