Separation anxiety frequently holds marriages together. The fear is, “If I leave the relationship, then I’m never going to get the love I have wanted.” This kind of thinking perpetuates the couple’s unhappiness by defining themselves as victims of the relationship rather than active participants. An unfortunate statistic is that couples with children have higher divorce rates than couples without children.
Often, couples think that having children will keep the relationship together and give them the love they are seeking in the relationship. They are surprised to find that the addition of children does just the opposite. I’m not suggesting that couples not have children, but rather make sure that they are really good at communicating with each other before having children. After all, good communication skills and healthy boundary setting are the keys for being an active participant in your marriage that creates a loving strong intact family.
Children can be an added pleasure but will tax your emotional resources, not add to them. If you are feeling like a victim of your marriage, rather than an active participant, then don’t have children yet. If this is the case, children will not fill that gap and give you the love you have always wanted. They may only serve to complicate a situation that is already fragile to the detriment of all concerned.
If you find yourself in this position, I recommend that you find yourself a qualified Marriage and Family Therapist or other qualified licensed professional to help you improve your communication skills with your spouse. Ultimately, that could be an immensely rewarding experience that brings greater closeness and satisfaction to you both. Good therapy is vastly cheaper than a divorce. And who knows, you may actually end up having children after all, and for the right reasons.