Dr. Jim: The LA Therapist

Sexting: A flash that can last a lifetime

2012-02-10T13:40:00.000-08:00

Harlequin’s annual survey reveals surprising insights on the impact of technology on romance today including: 43% of all respondents admitted to ‘sexting’. Though 65% of those women will only ‘sext’ while in a serious relationship, 36% of casual daters admit to sending a risqué message after just a few dates. 27% of all respondents had sent nude photos via emails or text messages

These statistics are not surprising. The largest group that Sexts are between the ages of 13 and 26. These people have grown up and come of age during meteoric growth of this form of digital communication. They are not as suspicious of this medium as people who grew up without it. Now, that may not be a good thing because it desensitizes them to the drawbacks of this technology. If you grow up with something, you don’t generally see it as dangerous as it might be.

Remember, adolescence is a time when kids are bucking parental norms in search of themselves. Sexting is definitely a symptom of bucking parental norms. Unfortunately, adolescents are also impulsive and often act without thinking through the consequences. There are physical developmental reasons for this. With the cameras and phones that can text on the same device, it removes the extra step of finding a camera that could give enough time to a decision that was made on impulse.

After getting away with it one time, it opens the door for doing it more. For the moment, it appears that nothing bad happened. So it can imply it’s OK to do. This is not a true form of self-expression. It is acting out impulses that bring a thrill.

The publishing of so many celebrities having been caught in Sexting only makes it more popular. People, especially younger ones, have a drive to imitate their idols. But it seems that the biggest factor in deciding to Sext for teens is peer pressure. The statistic for women doesn’t surprise me. The percentage of women who Sext is actually higher than it is for men. This is probably because their male counterparts encourage such behavior or the women feel that they can entice him with such photos. Men tend to pursue; women tend to say come and get me. A naked photo says come and get me.

I do believe the Sexting is not a good thing for the most part because it contribute to objectifying other people. However, it is here and we just need to learn to deal with it as we do with most other forms of sexual expression. I don’t believe that we need new or stricter laws. Sexuality is part of human nature and we will only end up criminalizing people who really aren’t criminals and ruining their lives.

Sexting can definitely come back to haunt you. Once you’ve released a naked photo of yourself out on the World Wide Net, it is available for anyone to see. Say, you send a naked photo of yourself to your boyfriend. Then, you have a bad break up. He gets angry and wants to make you look foolish so he sends out your photo to everyone on his list. Now, it’s out there for the world to see. Many employers are now going onto social media networks to research employees and potential employees. They, too, can come across your naked photo that was taken many years ago. What kind of impression do you think that makes on them? Not a good one.

Psychological Challenges of College

2011-10-10T16:04:00.000-07:00

Guest post by Marina Salsbury

The transition from high school to college can be a challenging time for young people, not only academically but also psychologically. There are certain stressors all students must face, but there are strategies they can use to deal with them effectively and in a positive manner. Whether at ivy league universities, local campuses, or even online colleges, students can get through school, be successful, and not become overwhelmed in the process.  

One of the primary stressors is the anxiety that can come from changing environments. This transition time includes becoming homesick, making new friends, getting used to new routines, and an unfamiliar environment. Students may feel depressed, have low motivation, and problems sleeping. Students also may have trouble concentrating and changes in appetite.  

Students can also become overwhelmed with the new levels of responsibility put on their shoulders. The workload from various classes, time management, and working a part-time job while going to school can be challenging. When you add in other day-to-day demands on attention such as cell phones, clubs, and sports, it can lead to overload for many students.  

Academics alone are enough to give students high stress, especially when they're unprepared for the level of work they find themselves facing. Students with poor study skills may have received high grades during high school, but can become depressed and frustrated with the challenges of academic work at the college level when it's more than they expected or know how to handle.  

When things get tough for many new college students, they often turn to drugs and alcohol to escape mounting stress. Parties and other social gatherings often offer free alcohol, even to underage drinkers. Students who drink excessively often show a sharp drop in academic performance, may become chronic drinkers, and risk the health hazards of binge drinking.  

These psychological issues can be faced and dealt with effectively by students, especially if they know what resources are available. One of the most basic tactics is having someone to talk to when things get tough, to air frustrations and get solid advice on how to handle things. This can be a school adviser, friend, professor, or counselor on campus.

Students should also set up times to visit family and friends during breaks and holidays. This helps keep a strong support system in place and reduces feelings of homesickness. It's also important for students to know it's normal to feel stressed and anxious at the outset of college, and that other students are often feeling the same way. Getting to know a variety of people and being active in a group can help to reduce loneliness, establish a sense of belonging, and build a support system away from home.  

Students who have problems with time management, academics, and study skills should take advantage of academic support services on campus, including tutoring, writing assistance, counseling, and related services. These people can put students in contact with resources to help them improve, can assist in creating a schedule, and provide other valuable support.  

Another basic key is being well rested and eating a healthy diet. This makes it easier to concentrate, keeps energy levels up, and reduces the likelihood of health issues. Tied to this is exercise, which is an excellent way to reduce stress and anxiety as well as bolster physical health. Students can get involved in intramural sports or use gym facilities to keep in shape. Setting aside time for regular exercise can greatly help to improve students' daily lives.  

Socialization doesn't have to be a source of anxiety, either. When entering a social situation, students should avoid unreal expectations about their own behavior, appearance, or what other people will think. The best way to meet new people is by getting involved in a group that shares a common interest, perhaps an athletic club or possibly a gathering related to a particular field of study. This makes talking with others easier and reduces the challenges of a completely foreign social scene.  

Students who are active in their education, have strong support systems, and pay attention to their health have more enjoyable college experiences. They benefit from knowing about and taking advantage of the many support resources universities provide for them. By recognizing when to seek help and doing so early on before problems become too large for them to handle alone, students can reduce anxiety, control academic issues, and ensure they don't turn to destructive habits to avoid the psychological challenges of college.

For more information on Dr. Jim and free affirmations and downloads, log onto his website at www.LAtherapist.com. You may also log onto his award-winning self-help audio site at www.TheDrWaltonSeries.com for help with anxiety, relationships and life changes.

A Quick and Fun Personality Test

2011-09-12T19:12:00.000-07:00

Here is a brief personality test that I have created and copyrighted. I give it out to my clients in my private Family Therapy practice to help them understand their core values and the personalities. Knowing your personality profile can be helpful in understanding everything about yourself from choosing a career and knowing what methods of relaxation you might respond best to.

Rate how closely you agree with the statements below and add up the total your score then match it with your personality chart at the bottom. Then, click on the link at the end that will take you to an in-depth explanation of your score. This is a great self-help tool.

Scoring by Points:

Never – 1

Sometimes – 2

Half the Time – 3

Most of the Time – 4

Always – 5

Questions:

1. How often do you initiate sex?

2. How often are you the first to apologize?

3. Do you enjoy makeup sex?

4. Do you enjoy sex with the lights on?

5. Are you comfortable with a hug from a stranger?

6. Do you enjoy traveling to new places and meeting new people?

7. Do you enjoy public displays of expression and affection?

8. Do you require others to go with you to the movies?

9. Do you easily express your emotions and feelings toward others?

10. Do you enjoy spending money on yourself?

11. Does your handwriting slant to the right?

12. The perfect evening for me is leaving home and meeting new people...

13. How important is the label of your clothing?

14. How important is it that others like you?

15. How often are your hands warm?

16. I enjoy being busy...

17. I enjoy working with my hands...

18. For me, form over function is important...

19. I don’t sweat the details...

20. How easy is it for you to overlook the flaws in others?

If your score is...

(Click the link to the right for an in-depth description)

20 – 35 You're the Introvert

36 – 51 You're the Inquisitor

52 – 68 You're the Trouble Shooter

69 – 84 You're the Trailblazer

85 – 100 You're the Performer
All rights reserved Copyright 2009 James E. Walton, Ph.D.

7 Steps to Quickly Assess for A New Friend or Mate

2011-08-30T17:31:00.000-07:00

In this fast paced world, we don’t always have the luxury of time when it comes to deciding whether or not we want to invest into getting to know someone. All too often, we meet people at work or at gatherings for brief periods and may be missing real opportunities for a good friend or love relationship because we didn’t dig a little deeper. We can all use some help when it comes to making a decision on whether or not we should look more closely at the possibility of a relationship. Here are seven time saving steps to look into when meeting a new potential friend or mate.

1. Can you talk easily with this person about a variety of topics? Introverts have more difficulty with this task so they might be forgiven for this.

2. Does this individual ask you questions about yourself and show interest in your responses? This shows interest in you as a person and bodes well for future encounters.

3. Does this person have an aspiration that he/she is actively pursuing? Just talking about a goal does not count here. They must be making some kind of progress on achieving what they desire. Are there any signs that their actions or abilities are in conflict with actually achieving the stated goal?

4. What are his/her first thoughts when they wake up in the morning? People will often think about those things that are important to them when they are waking up. But, the mood they awaken with is an indication of their temperament.

5. Will this person help a stranger? This indicates their sense if civic duty, as well as, their ability to respond empathically with others. Without empathy, they are never going to connect with you in a meaningful way. Now, a narcissist might help out a stranger as well, but only if it bolsters his public image. You can suss out a narcissist through questions 2 and 6 if they slip through this question.

6. Can she/he discuss an embarrassing moment with you? If not, then they are not willing to be vulnerable and are more interested in creating an image for your consumption rather than being a real human being with you. They may actually expect the same from you too.

7. Are they genuinely happy for a friend who is successful? This is important because envious and negative people have a difficult time doing this. They view another's good fortune as it relates to themselves, against which they do or don’t measure up. These are the kind of people who have the potential to sabotage another in defense of their own inferiority feelings. For more information on Dr. Jim log onto his website at www.LAtherapist.com. For free listens and self-help audios log onto www.TheDrWaltonSeries.com.

The Danger of Narcissism and Acting

2011-08-20T13:53:00.000-07:00

The danger of method acting is that the actor is trying to replicate real life emotions by drawing on real life experience. For most actors this is not a problem but an incredible skill that furthers them in a stellar career. However, there are those few who confuse the conjuring up of other personalities in the name of acting with their own personal identity.

By looking for approval from others to determine the value of the actual self, actors can take a wrong turn that can lead to a self-destructive disavowing of their own imperfections and personal growth. This leads them down a road to where they are rewarded to the degree that their selves do not count. When this occurs, the individual loses the ability to distinguish the difference between self and other. Any separateness is then seen as a sign of weakness that must be eradicated.

If an actor becomes hung up on their image, they cannot distinguish between an image of whom they are pretending themselves to be and the image of whom they actually are.

When this occurs, the individual identifies with he idealized image of the self and the actual self-image is lost.

The denial of actual feelings becomes the disturbance. They minimize their own feelings while taking on an “acting as if” quality to the feelings that seem to be expressed. Their behavior is not motivated by actual feelings; rather their behavior is contrived and calculated to enhance their own sense of grandiosity in the eyes of others. These people are predisposed to depression.

The actual self-image, to these people, is not acceptable. Their bodies are not living aspects of themselves, but rather they view their bodies as instruments made to bend to the will of the mind. So, the body works as a slave to the mind to express the intentions of the mind devoid of feeling. It performs like a machine or statue without a true sense of self. Expression is contrived rather than organic.

If an individual’s ego becomes inflated by success, they lose touch with the reality of their body. Many people have public images based on their accomplishments or social position; this does not mean that they have a disturbance. They do have a problem if they begin to base their own personal identity on the contrived public identity instead of on their own internal drives and bodily feelings.

So, it is important for actors to maintain a certain public image that their fans expect of them. However, it is equally important that the actor does not abandon his or her own true identity for the public identity in their personal life. If this occurs, there is a disturbance between the imagined self and the actual self. This would lead to loss of self, grandiosity, and sever depression. Seeking out a qualified therapist would be a good first start to resolving this.

I was recently asked a question about Heath Ledger and whether his celebrity status led to his suicide. I responded by hypothesizing that his ego probably took possession of his character as a defense against feelings of separateness and neediness through his recent divorce. Both separateness and neediness are seen as a weakness that must be eradicated by an individual who has lost his true identity. By possessing his character in a grandiose way, he may have denied his own true and personally unacceptable feelings. The more grandiose he grew, the deeper and more hidden the depression probably grew.

He was able to express rage through his character without expressing sadness or fear. His apparent taking on the character off the stage was probably intended as a defensive maneuver intended to frighten others and insulate him from having to express genuine emotion.

This power may have been used to deny his hidden, and self-unacceptable, feelings of helplessness and dependency on others. The more he engaged in the character, the more it would have reinforced his underlying insecurity and the more lost his actual self would have become. This, in turn, may have been what led to his suicide.

Most actors are able to avoid such confusions of actual vs. false selves. However, they must remain alert and vigilant to the danger. They must remember to remove the public image self when in the presence of their private lives.

For more information on Dr. Jim, log onto his website at www.LAtherapist.com. For information on Dr. Jim’s self-help series and for free samples, log onto www.TheDrWaltonSeries.com

Setting Boundaries with a Friend

2011-08-15T14:48:00.000-07:00

I'm posting a Guest Post by Allison Gamble:

Setting Boundaries with a Friend

Let’s call her Lisa. Lisa was my best friend. A promiscuous version of myself. And that was alright - funny, even, with the crazy situations she found herself in - until she set her sights on my roommate. It doesn’t take a psychology degree to know that’s where it got hard.

Friends are essential in everyday life. We depend on our friends to help us in tough times and laugh with us in happy times. Unfortunately, sometimes friendships can cross a line. Finding Lisa’s black lace garters in my living room? Definitely a boundary crossed. Detailed accounts of Matt’s sexual prowess? Another boundary crossed. Lisa roaming the apartment in the sheet off his bed? I found my boundaries shrinking in around myself closer and closer as she crossed every comfortable line in the sand I’d drawn around myself. Then, when my boundaries outlined a tiny square in the center of my bed, she decided to come in one day and lay down next to me to talk. I didn’t have a roommate and a best friend anymore. I had two roommates, and no space to myself.

To paraphrase Paula Cole, where did all my boundaries go?

Tips on Setting Boundaries

• Make strong expectations of cleanliness

• Set specific days of the month for bills to be paid

• Ensure clear boundaries of personal space

• Establish a firm understanding regarding dates and visitors

Sounds easy right? Think again. If you’re anything like me, you don’t want to rock the boat. It was easy to stay quiet and let Lisa have run of the house. But in their sex-haze, Matt would leave dishes in the sink for days, and I made the mistake of washing them myself, murmuring to myself in anger at this violation of my basic rights as a bill-paying resident of this apartment.

That’s where I went wrong. When you’re setting boundaries in your relationships, the most important element is letting everyone know just where your boundaries are. I shouldn’t have assumed that Lisa knew that it wasn’t appropriate to go into my room after we had redefined our relationship. When we were friends, she had spent the night in my bed with me, happy as kittens in a basket. After we had redefined our relationship - at parties, I introduced her as “Matt’s girlfriend,” not “my friend” like I had for years - I needed to tell her that I wanted my space back, that she could go into my room when given permission, not whenever she felt like it. I should have told Matt how I felt about Lisa spending the night every night. I gave away my voice, and no one could read my mind.

One of the trickiest situations is to have a friend move into the other’s home. They can be the best of friends; however, living with each other can drastically change things. They will learn personal things that probably did not want to know about the other person, and vice versa. It will be necessary to learn to share not only the TV, bathroom, washer/dryer but also bills and household chores. It’s wise to take on a roommate as far as money goes; but a person will need to ensure that the boundaries are clearly laid before the roommate sets up housekeeping.

Of course, friends do not have to share a home or even an office space to have respectable boundaries set. Our world is filled with technology that makes most people accessible whenever or wherever we may be. Because of the technology tsunami, many friends find it difficult to set boundaries on their personal time. Maybe I would have been okay with Lisa had I not been at the ready with a cellphone whenever she texted. Or maybe not. Either way, I needed to tell her that I needed space, and eventually I did.

When I finally opened my mouth to speak up for myself, Lisa and Matt were surprised. I seemed okay with everything. Of course I did. I was repressing my feelings in favor of theirs, and I let myself be miserable when I should have spoken openly and honestly about what I needed. My relationships with both of them are slowly rebuilding. We’re not as close as we used to be, but that’s no more their fault than it is mine.

Robert Frost opined that “good fences make good neighbors.” Does it mean that we have to be uncivil about it? Not at all. It does not mean that we have to be a door mat, either. Real friends enjoy each other within the given boundaries of friendship. When both sides respect the other, they can expect a lasting relationship.

For more information on Dr Jim log onto LAtherapist.com. For free audio listens and other products, log onto TheDrWaltonSeries.com

Healing from A Divorce or Breakup

2011-07-18T10:12:00.000-07:00

First of all, talk about your loss with people who are willing to listen. You might even want to seek out a licensed therapist to help you through this time. It’s important to let yourself know that you can and will make it through this time.

Stick to your daily routines. Continue to eat, sleep and exercise at the same times you always have. If you don’t exercise, now could be a good time to start. Exercise causes our bodies to release endorphins that serve to help us feel better.

You may feel that you will never love again. You may feel you were foolish in having trusted that individual. You may have felt that he or she was the “right” one for you and there will never be another. None of those thoughts is true.

There is not just one person out there for you; there are many right people out there for you. If someone is ultimately not with you, then they were definitely not the right person. The only thing true about that relationship experience is that you probably learned something about yourself that you can take forward into future relationships.

It’s your thoughts that determine your happiness, not the person you’re with. Just stay away from idealizing or demonizing the other person.

Stay away from alcohol or drugs they will only make the recovery from your loss more difficult by adding their own required recovery time to your healing process. They only complicate the healing process.

Don’t block the memories, allow yourself to feel as they come up and pass. Allow yourself to grieve and cry and spend time alone when you feel you need to.

It’s OK to Look at pictures of the two of you and feel the pain, and cry. But set a time limit on yourself for doing this, say to only 5 or 10 minutes. Then when the time is up, tell yourself you are done with that for now and change your thoughts by distracting yourself with something else more interesting or pleasant.

Do not seek revenge against this person.

Rebound relationships help you to get over the old guy/gal. They last about 90 days.

Isolating yourself from the world does not protect yourself or identity. You need to be in contact with others. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable actually protects your self better, because it allows others in and they enhance and validate your experience of other.

How you position yourself when telling others of your break up will direct the way they respond to you. Just tell them factually about it. And say, “This is something I needed to do for myself and I would like to have your support, and if you are not able to, then let’s not discuss it.“

To mothers tell them that you love them for raising you right to know when to protect yourself and do what you need to do. This is not an experience of failure, but rather and experience of success in learning what is right for you.

For more information on Dr. Jim's award-winning self-help audios with free samples, log onto www.TheDrWaltonSeries.com. For videos and more information on handling your thoughts and feelings, and to obtain free audio affirmations, log onto his website at LAtherapist.com. You can check out his Facebook page at www.DrJamesWalton.com

What Does It Mean If A Child Rejects One of the Parents?

2011-06-29T16:38:00.000-07:00

Is your child rejecting one parent? In divorce or separation, 10% to 15% of children expressed strong resistance to spending time with one of their parents, and this may be increasing in our society. It may be the father or mother. It may be the parent the child visits, or the parent where the child lives. Is this the result of abuse by the rejecting parent? Or is this the result of alienation by the favored parent? The idea that one parent can alienate a child against the other has been a big controversy in Family Court over the past 20 years, with the conclusion that there are many possible causes for this resistance. Most courts take reports of alienation very seriously and want to know if this is the result of abuse for alienating behavior. Resistance to spending time with the parent is always a serious problem. This needs to be investigated, fully understood, and treated with counseling in many cases. Otherwise, the child’s future relationship may be much more difficult.

Is this the result of abuse? The first concern of the courts is protecting the children. If there are reports of child abuse as the cause of the child alienated behavior, the judge may make a protective order restraining contact with the rejected parent, such as a temporary order for supervised visitation. If you are the rejected parent you may feel that the supervised visitation is unnecessary or insulting. Yet this may be your biggest help, as someone neutral can observe the child’s behavior and your relationship. Often the judge will say that he or she will not make any assumptions and wants more information before understanding the cause.

Is this the result of parental alienation syndrome? It is important to know that the courts across the country have not adopted the idea that there is such a syndrome. A syndrome requires a generally accepted cause-and-effect and there are many possible causes of the chill of child’s alienated behavior, up abuse by parent, alienating behavior by parent, lack of emotional boundaries by rejected parent, lack of emotional boundaries by a favored parent, developmental stage, outside influences, etc. Also, despite alienating behavior by some parents, many children are not resistant to spending time with the other parent. So it is not accepted as a syndrome. However the courts generally recognized that some children are alienated, they just don’t know the reason automatically and often want more information.

What are the signs of an alienated child? Children were not abused, but are alienated have emotionally intense feelings but vague or mirror reasons for them. A child might say, I won’t go to see my father. Yet she might struggle to find a reason he doesn’t help me with my homework. Or he dresses sloppy. Or he just makes me angry all the time. The child might say, I hate my mother yet again the reasons are vague or superficial she is too controlling she doesn’t understand my dad these children complain that they are afraid of the other parent, yet behavior shows just the opposite space–space they feel confident in blaming or rejecting a parent without any fear remorse. Some of them speak negatively of the rejected parent to others, then relaxed when they are with the rejected parent. Others run away, rather than spend time with the rejected parent. All these behaviors are generally different from those of truly abused children, who are often extra careful not to offend an abusive parent, are often hesitant to disclose abuse and often recant even though it’s true.

Why do alienated children feel so strongly? Alienated children generally show intensely negative emotions and absence of ambivalence. New search on the brain suggests that this may be the result of the unconscious and nonverbal transference of negative emotions from parent child. The parents intense angry outbursts, even if they are rare, intense sadness and intensely negative statements about the other parent may be absorbed unconsciously by the child’s brain, without the child even realizing it. The child then develops intensely negative emotions towards the other parent, or anyone the upset parent dislikes, but doesn’t consciously know why. This may explain the vague or minor reasons given by alienated children for intensely rejecting a good parent. This spilling over of negative emotions from upset parent the child may have begun years before the divorce, so the child is very tuned into the upset parent, and automatically and instantly absorbs their motions and point of view.

Does custody make a difference? If one parent has almost all the parenting time, then the child will not have his or her own experiences with the other parent to know that he or she is not bad. Most states expect children to have substantial time with both parents except in the cases of abuse. Ironically, the amount of time is generally not the biggest factor. The biggest factor is if one parent is constantly spilling over intensely negative emotions to the child about the other parent, while the other parent is following court orders and not addressing these issues at all. For this reason, children can become alienated against either a noncustodial parent or custodial parent. This can be either the father or the mother. It’s like a bad political campaign, with one side campaigning hard and the other side not campaigning at all.

How can you prevent alienation? You might be alienating your child against the other parent or against yourself, without even being conscious of it, especially during a divorce. Here are seven suggestions:

1. Positive comments: regularly point out positive qualities of the other parent your child

2. Repairing comments: all parents’ magnetic negative comments about the other parent at times. If you realize you made such a comment, follow up with a repairing comment. I just spoke negatively about your father. I don’t really mean to be so negative. He has many positive qualities and I really value your friendship with him. I’m just upset and my feelings are my responsibility not his and not yours.

3. Avoid reinforcing negative comments: healthy children say all kinds of things, positive and negative, about their parents, even about abusive parents. If there is abuse, have it investigated by reversals. If not, be careful that you’re not paying undue attention to the negative comments and ignoring their positive comments.

4. Teach problem-solving strategies: if your child complains about the other parent’s behavior, unless it is abusive, suggest strategies for coping: honey, tell your father something nice before you ask for something difficult. Show your mother the project you did again, she might’ve been busy the first time. If you are upset, maybe you can just go to your room and try not to listen and draw a picture instead.

5. Avoid excessive intimacy: children naturally become more independent and self aware as they grow up. Be careful not to excessively intimate with your child for the child’s age, as this may increase an unhealthy dependency on you. Examples include having the child regularly sleep with you in your bed beyond infancy, sharing adult information and decisions, and excessive sadness at exchanges or how you miss the child when he or she is at the other parents house.

6. Avoid excessive comparisons: when you emphasize the skill or characteristic that you have, don’t place it in comparison to weakness of the other parent. You each have different skills and qualities that are important to your child. By comparing yourself positively and the other parent negatively you can inadvertently influence your child. Remember that your child is a combination of both of you, and thinking negatively of one parent to the child may think negatively about half of him or herself.

7. Get support or counseling for yourself: it is impossible to go through a divorce without getting upset some time. Protect your child from as much as possible by sharing your upset feelings with adult friends and family, away from your child. Get counseling to cope with the stress you are under.

Article Author: Bill Eddy, JD, LCSW, and Mediator
www.highconflictinstitute.com

For more information on
Divorce Mediation and Collaborative Divorce,

log onto JourneyOfTwoHearts.com. For more information on healing a broken heart or overcoming grief, log onto TheDrWaltonSeries.com.

In-laws, Stepchildren and Other New Marital Delights

2011-06-19T20:29:00.000-07:00

It has been said that marriage is the process of finding out what kind of person your mother-in-law would have preferred so this writing is devoted to assist you in handling difficult situations that could arise with relatives around the wedding.

First and foremost, when dealing with your future in-laws, remember to be polite. Engage respectfully using please and thank you, even if you are not accustomed to doing so. Remembering these niceties will help you to score big points with your future in-laws and may also help to smooth away the inevitable bumps in the road as the family constellation changes through the marriage.

In most cases, in-law relationships are more or less harmonious. However, if you are feeling a little uncomfortable with your prospective in-laws, you might benefit by making a concerted effort to get to know them. You might find it helpful to invite them to join you one on one in a pleasant activity that will allow for conversation such as going out for coffee together, or shopping. Cooperating with each other during a constructive activity such as preparing a meal together or doing some house chores together can build a history of positive interpersonal experiences between the two of you that will form the basis of pleasant memories together. It takes more than time for love and respect to build between a spouse and an in-law. It takes a collection of positive togetherness experiences.

If you cannot think of an activity, offer to assist them with a task or project they are working on. Choose one that will allow you to spend time together and engage in conversation. If you run out of ideas on what to talk about, you can always ask them questions about themselves. I can assure you, that most people find talking about themselves an endlessly fascinating topic.

It can be difficult for parents to let go of their children and see them leave home. Sometimes, this means that one or both parents have difficulty respecting the boundary of the newly formed bond between a husband and wife to be. They may interfere in the relationship in a bid to not lose their beloved child to the new spouse. Their interference may be a bid at attempting to control their own feelings of what they perceive as their child’s abandonment of them. It is important for the survival of your relationship to draw a boundary around your relationship as a couple and to insist that it be respected.

If this becomes the case, you will need to speak to your parents. It is the responsibility of the spouse whose parents are intruding to speak to them. If it is your parents, put the onus on yourself and not your partner and politely set some limits with them. Be polite, but firm. You may also find it helpful to ask them what the situation was like for them when they were married. In the course of the discussion they may find that their behavior with you relates back to their own marriage experience. It could be a healing experience for you both.

Sometimes, difficulties arise from family members due to a mixed faith marriage. If this happens to you, approach the topic directly with your family. Again, be polite but firm. Difficulties arise when families fear the loss of their beloved family member. Reassure your family that you are still the same person you have always been and that you will continue to value your own beliefs and that you respect their beliefs and will continue to respect their beliefs even after marriage. If they continue to frown on your decision, you can just agree to disagree on that issue. Remember, this marriage is not about them. It’s about you. You may have to remind them and yourself of that fact.

Nothing can be worse at a wedding than when relatives are fighting with each other. Once again, you may want to remind them that this wedding is not about them, it’s about you. Ask them to put aside their differences for one day and to cooperate with you on your wedding. You don’t need to fix it for them. Just ask them to cooperate with you and put their focus away from each other and onto your event for just one day.

It can be very trying having to deal with all the wedding plans while handling arguing relatives at the same time. This kind of stress can cause tensions to rise between the engaged couple. If this happens to you, then you need to take a break from dealing with the wedding plans. Give yourselves some time together where you are not dealing with the wedding in any manner. Go out and do something fun together. There will be plenty of time to work on the wedding later.

In fact, it’s a good idea to have a date night with each other once a week through the process leading up to the wedding. This would be one night a week where you do something enjoyable together that has nothing to do with planning the wedding.

And since communication is so important, after you are married, I suggest you continue the practice of date night even after you are married.

If this is a second marriage, and children are involved, understand that the welfare of the children comes first over the new spouse. Children may fear the loss of their parent to the new spouse and act out in ways for attention. This is to be expected. Reassure them that they will be as important to you after you are remarried as they are to you right now.

To improve the likelihood of family cohesiveness and harmony after the wedding, it is important for your fiancé to begin to develop a one on one relationship with each of the children before the wedding. Invite him or her to spend some alone time with each child doing some activity that the child find enjoyable. Doing this, your fiancé will begin to build a history of positive interaction with each child. If they are old enough, include the children in the ceremony in some way.

After all, the new spouse is marring more than you. He or she is marring into a family. The children’s inclusion in the ceremony will reassure them of their place and importance in the family which may be threatened by the entrance of a new spouse.

Some men have difficulty understanding that the children come first and he comes second, and that it will continue that way even after marriage. This is just the way is it and should be. He needs to clearly understand this before the wedding. If he is not willing to go along with that, then you might need to re-consider your wedding plans. Whether it is an intact or blended family, the best interest of the children always comes first.

Along with the great joy that a wedding and all its preparation can bring, it can also be a time of sorrow when a beloved parent is absent for the celebration due to their untimely passing. For individuals going through such an experience it is perfectly normal to feel some sorrow while in the midst of their great joy. Under these circumstances, it is healthy to hold onto both the feelings of joy and sorrow at the same time. For these individuals, their wedding can be bitter sweet. If this is your situation, you may find it helpful to speak with your beloved fiancé about your feelings. Talking out your feelings of sadness over the parent’s absence may actually help to bring you both closer. Give your sadness a place, but don’t let it take over the wedding. As you give yourself permission to feel the sadness, give yourself permission to also feel the joy of this wonderful experience that you so richly deserve. Remember, this day is about you and your partner.

As a way of easing some of the feelings of sorrow and helplessness under these circumstances, it may be helpful to write a loving letter to the absent parent introducing your partner. In your letter, express your love for both the absent parent and your fiancé. Include what you would like the parent to know about the person you are marring. Let the parent know what you have learned from him or her and how you carry that with you in your new life. Let them know that you will always love them and that they will always be with you in your heart. Also, let them know, in your letter, what you will tell your children about them.

Then, if it is conducive with your religious beliefs, you may choose to symbolically invite them to the wedding by reserving a place for them at the ceremony. They will be right there with you. You may share your letter with your partner if you choose. That is up to you. After the wedding, you may choose to burn the letter or store it away along with the other mementos that you save from the wedding. Again, it is up to you how it is handled.

This exercise is an honoring of the deceased relative and in the honoring of that individual; you have honored your relationship with them and by doing so, you have included them in your wedding experience. This exercise is not limited to a deceased parent. It may be used for working through feelings with any individual whose absence has left a void in your special day.

For more information on Dr. Jim and free couple's communication information, affirmations and downloads, log onto his website at www.LAtherapist.com. You may also log onto his award-winning self-help audio site at www.TheDrWaltonSeries.com For Information on Dr. Walton's Divorce Mediation and Collaborative Practice, log onto www.JourneyOfTwoHearts.com

Forgiveness: A Call to Sacrifice

2011-05-18T10:55:00.000-07:00

All of the people and things around us serve as mirrors for ourselves. Nothing can cause us to feel something we are unwilling to feel. The feeling we feel towards someone must originate within ourselves. No one, outside of ourselves, can control our thoughts or feelings. We are the source of our feelings, we are the source of our fears, we are the source of our hurts and we are the source of our forgiveness.

Within relationship to another is found the projection of our own internal, unsettled conflicts. It is through the forgiveness of that other, that we resolve our own internal discords. Others serve as a mirror to our own soul.

The exercise of forgiving others is an exercise in forgiving ourselves. Forgiveness unchains the unyielding heart for the freedom to live and love again.

The nature of forgiveness regenerates life. Forgiveness is not found in judgment, it is found in acceptance. Through acceptance, the workings of struggle are released. That which is unnecessary is released. That which is wisdom is incorporated.

Forgiveness allows change, for after forgiveness, nothing remains as it was but is moved forward towards wisdom. For wisdom is knowledge without bitterness.

Forgiveness is a call to sacrifice. We sacrifice that which we wish could have been for seeing the sacredness of what is now. In sacrifice, we are called into the realm of the sacred. We have the opportunity to acknowledge the sacredness of our relationship with another. Life calls us to take an extra step into deeper understanding of who we are through our relationship with another. These are the experiences that add value and depth to our lives.

As with all true sacrifice, it comes from a place of selflessness, carrying a gift in the form of connectedness to life. In those moments of connectedness, we feel our connection to God, the Universe and Life. That connectedness is the only currency of value that exists.

Recognizing this value brings its own reward: a deeper understanding of ourselves adding to our sense of aliveness. The sacrifice of forgiveness allows us to experience our connectedness to that love. There is love in everything, but our connection to it is a choice.

How To Make Friends... Even if You're Not Sure How

2011-04-21T12:29:00.000-07:00

We’ve all heard the adage, to have a friend you first have to be a friend. This is absolutely true, but what does that mean? Often, we don’t know what it means to be a friend. Most people made friends easily when they were young. They went to school and mixed with a lot of people their own age five days a week. Many, went on to after school activities and met and related to even more people. Most people made at least one friend given these circumstances.

As we grow older and leave school, we have far fewer opportunities to make friends. When we leave the highly social structure of the school environment for the work environment we find ourselves increasingly more isolated. We get up, go to work, come home, feed the dog or cat and go to bed exhausted. Not much time or energy left to devote to making friends. The longer we continue on this path the more accustomed to this routine we become and the more isolated we become. If we don’t devote some energy into making friends, we will find ourselves alone.

I tell my patients that there are seven pillars that hold up a good friendship. Those are respect for one another, acceptance of the other, non-criticism, listening, being emotionally present, support for the other’s goals, and our accepting their influence.

When making friends remember to smile and make eye contact. When you smile at someone, they have a reflex response to smile back. If you don’t believe me, try it out on a stranger. They average person will have a reflex response to smile back. It started when you were a baby and continues to serve you today.

Introduce yourself to people and then initiate that you get together. Go out for coffee or lunch. Find out what interests them and ask them questions about it. Explore to see if you can find some common interests. Keep the conversations light and cheery. Stay clear of heavier more emotionally charged topics like politics and religion for the time being.

Where might you meet new potential friends? Join organizations that you have interest in, join a sports team, join a choir or dinner club. There are also activity clubs such as hiking or camping clubs. Join Facebook or Twitter. Even Match.com has a section for just making friends.

There are many things you can do to make new friends. But the most important thing you have to do is to take some action. Get off the couch and become more active in circulating with other people. Making friends is like riding a bike. You may be a little rusty, but once you’ve learned how, you never forget. That reminds me, biking clubs are a good way to make new friends too!

Join in on my Facebook at www.DrJamesWalton.com. For free affirmations and self-help info log onto Free Affirmations

The Company You Keep

2011-04-07T11:26:00.000-07:00

This was sent to me by someone whom I consider a true friend. I found it's words both insightful and inspiring and wanted to share it with my readers.

THE COMPANY YOU KEEP

(Anonymous)

IT IS BETTER TO BE ALONE, THAN IN THE WRONG COMPANY

Tell me who your best friends are, and I will tell you who you are. If you run with wolves, you will learn to howl. But, if you associate with eagles, you will learn how to soar to great heights. “A mirror reflects a man’s face, but what he is really like is shown by the kind of friends he chooses.” The simple but true fact of life is that you become like those with whom you closely associate --- for the good and the bad.

The less you associate with some people, the more your life will improve. Any time you tolerate mediocrity in others, it increases your mediocrity. An important attribute in successful people is their impatience with negative thinking and negative acting people. As you grow, your associates will change. You will make new friends. Some of your friends will not want you to go on. They will want you to stay where they are. Friends that don’t help you climb will want you to crawl. Your friends will stretch your vision or choke your dreams. Those that don’t increase you will eventually decrease you.

Consider this:

· Never receive counsel from unproductive people.

· Never discuss your problems with someone incapable of contributing to the solution, because those who never succeed themselves are always the first to tell you how. Not everyone has a right to speak into your life. You are certain to get the worst of the bargain when you exchange ideas with the wrong person.

· Don’t follow anyone who’s not going anywhere. Remember, with some people you spend an evening, with other you invest it.

· If you ask someone who is going nowhere fast where to go or what to do, guess where you will be going ---nowhere, and guess what you will be doing---nothing.

· Be careful where you stop to inquire for directions along the road of life.

· Wise is the person who fortifies his life with the right friendships. It is said that a true friend is a second self, someone who wants as much for you as they do for themselves.

· Remember everybody is not your friend and that’s OK. Recognize them for what they are and move on. They become somebody you just know. Associate yourself with people who are doing good things, positive things, the right things!

"Love Pounds": Why Do We Gain Weight with New Loves?

2011-04-02T14:58:00.000-07:00

There are actual studies that show that when we are optimistic, it strengthens our immune system. When our immune systems are strong, we have less inclination to crave unhealthy foods. There is a very strong link between our mind, mood and body. When we finally fall in love, we are completely optimistic about our world. It brings us incredible joy. Joy is the emotion we are least willing to let go of and it is an emotion that has been clinically shown to boost our immune system. You would think that with a booted immune system your healthier body wouldn’t gain weight.

Food is used in all cultures as a part of celebration. It is part of an erotic and soothing experience and it enhances or feeling of joy. Because we want to hold onto the feeling of joy we may sometimes gain some weight after coupling with another because we traditionally include food as part of the love/coupling process. Generally, we gain a couple of pounds and nothing very serious. Food is a part of our celebratory process and the sharing of food contributes to our feelings of love, safety and caring. After the initial rush of the relationship, we may find ourselves returning to the gym and working together to take those few extra pounds off.

We tend to overeat in an obsessively unhealthy way to sooth the feelings of emptiness that come from being lonely. When we fall in love, that emptiness disappears, maybe temporarily, or maybe for good. But when it disappears, so does our impulse to obsessively eat comfort foods. When we fall in love, we find ourselves more self-accepting. We feel a greater sense of satisfaction through the loving eyes of another and that allows us to treat ourselves, and our bodies, with more love and respect. This releases us from the pains of yo-yo dieting which is so disrespectful and damaging to the body. When we are truly in love, we may actually glimpse ourselves as being loveable and worthy of love. This does make us more accepting our bodies and ourselves, as well as, accepting of others. As a result, we treat our bodies and ourselves better.

In general, people live longer who are involved in a committed relationship. This is also true of people who have beloved pets. In a couple, people look out for each other. They remind each other to take their medication, get enough sleep, eat better diets, etc. As a result, people in coupled relationships are healthier although they may not be as slender as they would like.

We can certainly turn any good thing into something that works against us. It is more typical of men than women to become so comfortable in their relationship that they stop paying as much attention to their physical appearance as their female spouse. Men are more visually stimulated and women are more emotionally stimulated. Given that scenario, men do have a tendency to “let themselves go” some after marriage. This is not so true for women. Certainly there are women who seriously gain weight after marriage but that might have more to do with depression, self-loathing and loneliness than it has to do with being comfortable in the relationship.

If somebody became so comfortable in a relationship that it led to health concerns, there would be another serious issue going on in the background. When we are in love, we want to take care of ourselves, as well as, the object of our love and we dance a tricky balance between celebrating our love through food and wrestling with those few extra “love” pounds.

For more information on Dr. Jim's self-help audios with free samples, log onto www.TheDrWaltonSeries.com. For videos and more information on Dr. Jim, and to obtain free audio affirmations, log onto his website at LAtherapist.com. You can check out his weight loss page on Facebook at Ultimate Weight Loss.

Testimony

2011-03-28T11:18:00.000-07:00

Testimony

(for my daughters)

I want to tell you that the world
is still beautiful.
I tell you that despite
children raped on city streets,
shot down in school rooms,
despite the slow poisons seeping
from old and hidden sins
into our air, soil, water,
despite the thinning film
that encloses our aching world.
Despite my own terror and despair.

I want you to know that spring
is no small thing, that
the tender grasses curling
like a baby's fine hairs around
your fingers are a recurring
miracle. I want to tell you
that the river rocks shine
like God, that the crisp
voices of the orange and gold
October leaves are laughing at death,

I want to remind you to look
beneath the grass, to note
the fragile hieroglyphs
of ant, snail, beetle. I want
you to understand that you
are no more and no less necessary
than the brown recluse, the ruby-
throated hummingbird, the humpback
whale, the profligate mimosa.
I want to say, like Neruda,
that I am waiting for
"a great and common tenderness",
that I still believe
we are capable of attention,
that anyone who notices the world
must want to save it.

~ Rebecca Baggett ~

(Women's Uncommon Prayers)

Learn How Men and Women React Differently to a Break Up and What You Can Do to Heal.

2011-03-16T15:09:00.000-07:00

Men have more difficulty handling their emotions than women. Simply because men have been trained to be more independent so they have developed fewer skills at handling their emotions. They become emotionally overwhelmed more easily and demonstrate it by shutting off emotionally and withdrawing, going into denial or becoming workaholics. All of this is a bid to cut themselves off from those overwhelming feelings of hurt and pain.

In the process, those feelings lie dormant and are actually never healed. When we don’t heal those feelings, we don’t allow ourselves to fall in love again and we miss out on one of the most rewarding, healing and satisfying experiences in our lives that of falling in love again.

The secret that women use in handling their feelings is that women are able to think and feel at the same time. As a result, women will express their emotions more. They are better able to verbalize what they are feeling. By verbalizing their feelings, they are able to come to a healing resolution more quickly than men.

Men, on the other hand, are either in thinking mode or feeling mode. When men are in pain from a break up, they go right into feeling mode and become overwhelmed with those feelings resulting in shut down, paralysis, withdraw or angry bitterness. Men cannot make good decisions for themselves or anyone else under those conditions.

Whether you are a woman or a man, it’s important to acknowledge that you are going through a crisis and be more compassionate and gentle with yourself. Remove any blame you may be putting on yourself for anything you may have done to contribute to the break up or for trusting or having been vulnerable to your ex. It’s important to be able to trust and experience vulnerability. Its part of being in a relationship and it allows us to experience closeness with another.

For more information on handling your thoughts and feelings, join Dr. Jim's Facebook Page at DrJamesWalton.com. Click the link to listen to a free sample of Dr. Jim’s Healing A Broken Heart.

You Can Move On From The Hurt of A Break Up…. Here’s How

2011-03-06T20:42:00.000-08:00

When we experience a relationship break up, it can be extraordinarily painful, especially if we were the one who was left. We may be tempted to blame the one who left us for all of our heartache and pain. We say that they “made” us feel pain by leaving us. Then, we emotionally beat ourselves up even more.

In reality, we are the only ones who control our thoughts, feelings and emotions. Whenever we give our power away by allowing others to determine how we feel about ourselves, we increase the pain of our heartache. When you stop judging yourself, or second guessing what you should have done, your feelings of rejection and self-recrimination will soften. You can view your ex as having said no to the relationship, but not to you as a person.

All relationships have a beginning, middle and end. With every hello, there is an implied good bye. Most relationships are meant to end. Holding onto them beyond their life span can be very destructive to our own lives and cause us to miss other opportunities that would be more rewarding and possibly more satisfying than the relationship that just ended.

Don’t follow, spy on, or call the other person. This only keeps you attached in a very unhealthy way and makes it much more difficult to let go of your hurt and angry feelings. Resist the urge to try and make your ex understand your hurt feelings or try to get them to see your point of view. This will only lead to more frustration and feelings of betrayal. Of course, do not harm yourself in a bid to get them to come back. Doing so never gets them to come back.

It helps to throw yourself into an activity or project that you love doing. While you are doing that activity you love you are processing your painful feelings and this can contribute greatly to the healing of those feelings.

Keep in mind that relationships are more about personal and emotional growth; happiness is only a byproduct of the experience. Our conscious minds seek having a good time through a relationship; our unconscious mind is seeking to grow through a relationship.

We ourselves are responsible for our own happiness. It is our thoughts, and how we choose to interpret them, that affect our feelings about our world and ourselves. What we think affects how we feel.

Focusing on negative thoughts or obsessively blaming your ex will keep you mentally and emotionally trapped in the relationship.

This kind of behavior will only increase the odds of you repeating the same situation with another individual. Realize that you willingly participated in that relationship with all of its deceptions and mistruths. Now, you’re participating in the pain of the break up. You can’t bring your ex back, but you can change the relationship you are now having with the pain.

There are no victims in a consensual relationship, only volunteers. Blaming yourself or your ex is useless in healing from the pain of a breakup. There were choices made by both of you that led to the resulting breakup. You also both made decisions that you thought were best at the time.

Those choices are now in the past. Nothing can change that. However, you may have learned some lessons from your experience and now is the time to look back over those lessons and learn from the mistakes that were made. Realizing that you have learned something will give meaning to the experience you are going through. Release yourself and your ex from any blame, and then give yourself permission to move on.

For more free information on handling your thoughts and feelings, log onto www.DrJamesWalton.com For self-help downloads, log onto www.TheDrWaltonSeries.com

Fear: Wandering in A Desert of The Soul… Here Is a Road Map Out!

2011-03-02T11:36:00.000-08:00

Consider the passage in the Bible depicting the liberation of the Jewish slaves from captivity in ancient Egypt in Exodus 12: 35-36. The Israelites wandered for forty years in the desert. Forty years represented a lifetime in the scriptures. After they had left Egypt and found themselves in the desert, they expressed, “Would that we had died…as we sat by our fleshpots and ate our fill of bread! But you [Moses] had to lead us into this desert to make the whole community die of famine!” [Exodus 16:3]

How do we deal with fear? The Roman Senator Cicero stated, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” The Book of Numbers contains a fascinating treatment of this spiritual dilemma.

Why have you brought us up from Egypt to die in this desert, where there is no food or water? We are disgusted with this wretched food! In punishment the Lord sent among the people seraph serpents, which bit the people so that many of them died. … Make a seraph and mount it on a pole, and if anyone who has been bitten looks at it, he will recover.” [Numbers 21:5-8]

This ancient text contains within it the answer for overcoming fear. The story of the seraph serpents was probably not an actual situation that occurred in history, but rather a parable with a metaphor of wisdom for dealing with the unknown and fear. The people were instructed to look upon the staff with the serpent. The serpent was the thing that they most feared in the moment. By looking upon that which they most feared, they were healed of their affliction. We will all be stricken with fear on life’s journey. It is only when we confront (look upon) what we most fear, that we are healed.

By facing our fears, we are healed from the poison they inject into our lives. To face our fears, in our world, means to refrain from going into denial. We accept the situation as it is. We are then called to take some form of action. Taking action, any action, no matter how small, will help to absorb some of the anxiety surrounding our fears.

Pray (meditate) everyday. Write down three things you are grateful for everyday. Take one action that directly addresses that fear everyday.

This means facing our personal fears, and by doing so, we are healed and brought out from wandering in that desert of our fears.

For more information on Dr. Jim, log onto www.DrJamesWalton.com

6 Essential Stages for Healing from A Break Up: You Can Heal!

2011-02-25T16:40:00.000-08:00

The person, who has decided to end the relationship, has probably already passed through the stages of heartache before they announced their decision. Generally, it seems easier for the one who is doing the leaving, although this may not always be the case. Frequently, the one doing the leaving has had to wrestle with a combination of grief and guilt. The decision to call off a relationship is never easy and if there has been a true connection, it is quite painful for the one doing the leaving as well.

If you are the one who was left, this is an agonizing position to be in. For many people, it is worse than a death, because with death, it’s final and there’s no hope of negotiating a return.

When we’re left, we have to deal with the pain of rejection along with the pain of loss.

There are several stages you can expect yourself to go through in processing your feelings from a broken heart.

They more or less go in this general order:

Shock

Pleading

Anger

Sadness

Acceptance

Forgiveness

The first is Shock. When we first hear the news that the relationship is over, we are usually in complete shock. We become vulnerable to our feelings. In shock, we feel as if our world has been turned on its head. We are not capable of making clear decisions. We feel a sense of being vulnerable and lost. It may even be very difficult for us to even make sense of what is happening. We break down, we cry. Men tend to explode outward in their reaction to shock. Women tend to implode, go internal and blame themselves.

We then proceed to the next stage, which is pleading. In pleading, it’s our attempt to restore order to our world by attempting to restore the relationship. In pleading, we may beg the other to return so that our world can return to normal. We may make offers to change ourselves or throw out grand gestures of compromise that here-to-for had been withheld, in order to call the other back into the relationship and ease our aching heart. If you come back, I’ll change. In reality, these overtures rarely last if they are even made at all.

In most cases, the pleading makes us look desperate and weak in the eyes of the other person and does the exact opposite of the desired effect and pushes them away ever farther. We are left feeling empty, hollow and in agony.

We then proceed to the next stage, which is anger. It is a natural and healthy progression, but the anger is really a defense against the depression and helplessness we feel from the disconnect with our ex. In our anger, we feel like striking out. This is the time when many people will go into some kind of destructive action that ultimately does not serve them. They will tear up photos; destroy the ex’s property, or spread vicious rumors around about them.

The anger comes from a place of helplessness from our loss. We feel that we are a victim of our ex and we use anger as a way of trying to recapture some of the power that we feel they’ve taken from us through ending the relationship. It’s a way of desperately trying to balance out our sense of powerlessness. The anger gives us something new to believe in when the belief in the relationship has been taken away. It gives us new strength and new structure at a time when we feel weak and loss of structure. This is especially true if we derived our sense of identity from our ex. The break up has now taken that identity away so the anger temporarily rushes in to give us a new identity.

We may need to remain in our anger for a while. Anger over the breakup can be helpful in neutralizing any loving feelings that you once felt toward your ex. You may want to get in touch with the anger you feel towards this person. It’s OK to hold onto those feelings for a while, as long as; you don’t act those feelings out with hostility towards the other person or yourself. Anger can be a part of the letting go process. Again, you are the one who is in control of your anger. You create your anger and you are the one who can let it go. No one else is responsible for your anger but yourself.

It’s OK to have fantasies of “acting out” against our ex as long as we don’t actually act it out in real life. Over time, anger helps to break the love feelings we felt towards our ex.

Do not seek revenge. It’s OK to fantasize about it, but it is not OK to act it out. Angry behavior such as hitting things, yelling or screaming only leads to amping up the drive for more angry behavior. Don’t do it.

Underneath our anger resides sadness and it comes next in the stages of healing heartache. Remember, anger is often an attempt to not feel the sadness of the disconnect with your ex. The experience of sadness moves us into the present and allows us to experience what is. The sadness is a time of reflection and slowing down. It is the slowing down process of sadness that allows us to adapt to the new reality of our life. The sadness cooks and reshapes us from within.

Experiencing the sadness is an important part of recovering from a breakup. It causes us to stop and re-examine our lives. We slow down and process. The sadness brings a gift. It allows us to view the world from a different perspective giving us a wider and wiser view of life. It also gives us some perspective on how deeply we loved and are capable of loving.

Acceptance occurs when we’re finally able to release the sadness. We stop fighting what is and allow it to be. It does not mean that we like the new order of things, but we stop fighting it. We accept the change. Things will never be the same and we revise ourselves and our future. It is a time when we are able to have a vision of the future with our ex no longer in it. It is the time when we withdraw our energy and expectations from the relationship we had with our ex and are ready to begin opening ourselves up to new relationships and connections with others. We find ourselves opening back up to life and beginning to live again.

Part of the healing process is learning something from the experience you just went through. We come to acceptance more easily when we realize that along with our loss, we have also gained something, we have gained experience, wisdom and a better understanding of our wants and needs.

To do this, ask yourself:

· How are you different now from the way you were before you met you ex?

· What have you learned from your experience with them?

· What lessons have you learned for living the rest of your life?

· Have you changed what it is you want out of a relationship?

· If you’re your best friend just had this experience, what advice would you give them?

Search yourself to find out how you’re different now from having known your ex.

When you’re able to see that you have received some gifts from the relationship, it makes it easier to let go of the past moving you significantly closer to a true and authentic experience of forgiveness of yourself and the other.

For more information on Dr. Jim, log onto his website at LAtherapist.com

Considering Divorce? There Is An Easier Way

2011-02-15T13:56:00.000-08:00

Separation anxiety frequently holds marriages together. Not all marriages should be saved. The couple may want to separate, but they are afraid of it. The fear is "If I leave the relationship, then I'm never going to get the love I have wanted." This fear is based in emotional irrationality and only serves to perpetuate the couple's unhappiness by defining themselves as victims of the relationship rather than active participants.

Victimhood leads to resentment and resentment leads to anger. Anger eventually kills the love that we feel for the other person, but it can also immobilize us from taking right action. We can organize our thoughts in such a way through our anger at the other person that we are unable to see that we do have choices. We then become trapped in our anger and as a result feel trapped in our relationship.

Instead of taking the action that we need to liberate ourselves, we blame the other person and remain stuck in an unsatisfying relationship. Our anxiety about establishing a new life for ourselves becomes bound up in the anger we experience with our partner. Yes, this is a way of avoiding the unpleasant feeling of anxiety for beginning a new life. However, we remain stuck in a very uncomfortable old position in a relationship that no longer functions a way we would like.

To begin getting out of victimhood, you have to take responsibility for your half of the problems in your relationship. Only by letting go of the conflict will you begin to heal and see your way more clearly in creating separate lives. You will also need to learn how to negotiate with your erstwhile partner without allowing emotions to override clear communication. A divorcing couple needs to transform their relationship into a business relationship.

In a nutshell:

Forgive yourself

Take responsibility for your half of it

Let go of the conflict so you can begin to heal

Learn to negotiate with your ex

If you chose to divorce, you need to know how to separate while significantly reducing the damage, both emotionally and financially, that comes from a divorce. If possible, mediation is a good way to go. It is a more cooperative and less adversarial way of separating hearts, finances and lives.

www.TheDrWaltonSeries.com

Valentine's Day: The Sting of the Arrow

2011-02-14T15:27:00.000-08:00

According to recent studies the time around Valentine’s Day has increasingly become a time when people either break up or seek a divorce. It is been estimated, that filings can skyrocket by 40% or more at this time of year. It may be that people wait to file till after the New Year for file for financial reasons, or for reasons of getting past the holidays without drama. It is also a time when people who are in relationships, but not married, also find themselves breaking up.

It may be that at Valentines, people become nostalgic about love. They compare their own love situation against the background of advertising in the media with lovers presenting each other with romantic cards and jewelry and flowers and feel they come up short in their own relationship.

It is not surprising that the rate of people breaking up and/or filing for divorce goes up at this time of year. By comparing themselves to others, they may be reaching out for unrealistic expectations within their own relationship. Seeing happy lovers on the television sharing their love may cause them to feel an internal sense of isolation or dissatisfaction for the relationship in which they are involved.

If you are alone at this time of year, or if you are single, you may feel even more alone in the world at this time. This holiday may reinforce your feelings of being unworthy or unlovable. And it certainly it can underscore your sense of being alone especially if you hold any misgivings about being alone.

Valentine’s Day can raise our fantasies and beliefs about love to an unachievable height which may lead to dissatisfaction in our own lives whether we are in a relationship or not. In some ways, Valentine’s Day can trigger feelings of dissatisfaction with those who are in relationships as well. Especially if we have either unrealistic expectations of our partner, or unrest realistic expectations of what love itself can do for us.

Valentine’s Day celebrates the ecstasy of falling in love. But a relationship takes much more than love and the exchanging of cards and flowers if it is to survive. It takes work, it takes commitment, it takes support, and it takes acceptance of the other, as they are, without criticism.

If you’re in a relationship at this time, use Valentine’s Day as a time to recommit to your relationship, to work on it, and to enjoy all that it reasonably offers as a partnership in life. If you’re alone on Valentine’s Day, go out with your friends and use this time to reaffirm your friendships and your ability to feel loved by others who are close to you.

"And Baby Makes Three..." Can Children Save A Bad Relationship?

2011-01-05T16:54:00.000-08:00

Separation anxiety frequently holds marriages together. The fear is, “If I leave the relationship, then I’m never going to get the love I have wanted.” This kind of thinking perpetuates the couple’s unhappiness by defining themselves as victims of the relationship rather than active participants. An unfortunate statistic is that couples with children have higher divorce rates than couples without children.

Often, couples think that having children will keep the relationship together and give them the love they are seeking in the relationship. They are surprised to find that the addition of children does just the opposite. I’m not suggesting that couples not have children, but rather make sure that they are really good at communicating with each other before having children. After all, good communication skills and healthy boundary setting are the keys for being an active participant in your marriage that creates a loving strong intact family.

Children can be an added pleasure but will tax your emotional resources, not add to them. If you are feeling like a victim of your marriage, rather than an active participant, then don’t have children yet. If this is the case, children will not fill that gap and give you the love you have always wanted. They may only serve to complicate a situation that is already fragile to the detriment of all concerned.

If you find yourself in this position, I recommend that you find yourself a qualified Marriage and Family Therapist or other qualified licensed professional to help you improve your communication skills with your spouse. Ultimately, that could be an immensely rewarding experience that brings greater closeness and satisfaction to you both. Good therapy is vastly cheaper than a divorce. And who knows, you may actually end up having children after all, and for the right reasons.

Why Do Couples Divorce and What Are The Predictors?

2010-12-31T00:27:00.000-08:00

Threats of divorce are often attempts to fix the relationship. Many times we want the pain within the relationship to die, but not the relationship. Often times, when divorce is mentioned, each of the individuals in the relationship were young and never achieved individuation from their own families of origin before they were married. In this case, their identities became shaped by the demands, actions and needs of their partner. Divorce becomes a highly frightening thought because they have never been on their own and have no idea who they really are as individuals.

The highest rate of divorce typically happens during the first two years of marriage when couples are in the process of trying out the marriage. There are many reasons for the endings of these marriages. Frequently, they are based in the impulsiveness of getting married to feel the rush and not thinking through its commitments and expectations. Once the romance wears off, so does the desire to remain married.

Marital problems also begin to arise at the seventh year of marriage, after the first child arrives and when the first child turns 14 years old. Children are a major stressor to marriages. Often, people will chose to have children to “save” a marriage. Then, it turns out that the addition of children actually put more stress on the relationship. This may be one of the reasons that childless couples past the seven-year mark have lower rates of divorce that couples with children.

Two other trouble points are when the marriage is at the 20-year mark and the 40-year mark. At 20 years, couples are facing the children leaving the nest. Now, the couple has to re-establish a relationship with each other without the daily interaction and distraction of the children. They are faced with more intimate interaction with each other, and may have the urge to fulfill desires that were suppressed during the time of raising children. Conflict can arise if those desires are seen as a threat to the relationship.

If they had used the children in the past as a way of regulating intimacy or creating distance, they will now have to face each other without that regulating force. If the couple does not have clear roads of communication, or if they cannot express their feelings, this spells disaster for the relationship.

At the 40-year mark, couples are looking for companionship as they move into old age. Surprisingly, there are a high number of divorces at this point. Couples can arrive at this point and discover that they don’t feel companionship with each other. One may have been at the service of the other the entire time. They raised the children, they indulged the desires of the other, and they kept things together and basically kept the relationship together through their own sacrifice. Now, they are tired of sacrificing themselves. As they approach the sunset years, they want to live in peace or create a space for themselves that they never experienced earlier in their life. If their spouse is not willing or able to accommodate them on this request, there is a good chance that they will look towards divorce as a way of attaining the space they need.

Another point where divorce all too frequently, and unfortunately, occurs is when the wife of a couple falls ill. This is especially true for wives with a terminal illness such as cancer. Men show a higher occurrence of divorcing their stricken wives than women divorcing a stricken husband. One need look no further than senator John McCain or senator John Edwards to make the case in point. Both of these high profile men left their wives after the discovery of their illnesses.

Interestingly enough, an affair does not necessarily spell the end of a marriage in divorce. In many cases, an affair draws attention to discord and trouble in a marriage and with the right assistance and intervention they may go onto a closer more solid relationship.

There are several predictors for a divorce. In good relationships, there are approximately seven positive exchanges for every negative exchange. Relationships that are in trouble have only one positive exchange for every negative exchange. How a couple speaks to each other is another predictor. Do you regularly speak harshly with each other? If so, that can be another indicator. Criticism, contempt, defensiveness and the silent treatment are all indicators of a troubled relationship. All of these occurring together are a sure sign of trouble.

For more information on Dr. Jim's self-help audios with free samples, log onto www.TheDrWaltonSeries.com. For more information on Dr. Jim, and to obtain free audio affirmations, log onto his website at LAtherapist.com. You can check out his page on Facebook at Healing a Broken Heart.

Therapist as Shaman

2010-12-18T16:04:00.000-08:00

Shamanism appears to be the earliest form of healing that we are aware of to date. It has existed throughout the world from Russia to Australia, from China to the Americas. Although there is no one explanation as to how shamanism spread throughout the world, the two that are most popular today is that either shamanism began in Siberia and spread, or that it sprang up spontaneously throughout the world. There are common aspects of shamanism found throughout the world. They are findings of teeth, bones, feathers, bird feet, helmets with streamers, skirts with skins, mirrors, crystals, horns, drums, antlers, and statues with toungs that allow researchers to determine whether shamanism existed within a particular society.

The shaman believes that evil spirits cause illness for the body. They believe that they can create magic with their words and ritual actions that can drive the evil spirits from the body. To do this, they must first protect themselves from these spirits, then enter into an altered state of consciousness characterized by a state of ecstasy. They believe they are able to visit three worlds of reality: The Under World that represents terror and power, The Middle World in which they see the spirits of this world among us, and The Upper World that is the world of deities. When Someone claims that they are able to perceive those three worlds, they are having a shamanistic experience.

What distinguishes a shaman from a professional priest or healer, is that he is a part-time practitioner. The training passes down individually from teacher to student. There are no large schools which train people to become a shaman. There are two principal ways for a person to become a shaman. The first way is to be born into a shaman lineage and follow in the footsteps of the ancestors. The second, and most common way, is to experience a calling for the position. A calling is perceived by a series of events recognized by the tribe and the individual. Such events involve: separation, communication with other beings, ecstatic experiences, a sense they are going to be a shaman and the seeking out of a shaman to train with.

Psychotherapists can learn much from the shaman. The Shaman represents a multi-dimensional view of reality. He believes that reality is a creation of the unconscious. As therapists, we too would do well to learn how to embrace a multi-dimensional view of reality. By understanding that there is a conscious and unconscious, as well as the different levels of the unconscious: the world unconscious, personal unconscious, and collective unconscious, we may gain a better insight into the issues of our clients. I have often seen a client's material world appear to match his/her personal outlook on life. By understanding this process, which the shaman seems to know so well, we may be able to help our clients pull themselves out of undesirable real world experiences.

The shaman expands what is and what can be through their and their clients' belief in magic. There are times when therapists encounter patients who are only able to see the world through a lens of black and white. Often, a client may feel that there is no way he will ever be able to change his life. By assisting our clients to view the possibilities of change as the shaman does with his clients, we may be able to help the client break the chains of status quo that binds him to the old and possibly self-destructive ways.

The shaman acknowledges that she is not the one who is creating the change for the client. She is aware that it is a greater force that she can not control, but only influence. We too, must recognize that we are not able to change the client, but can only influence him/her with new out looks and ideas. It is up to the client to accept what is given to her and use it in her life. As therapists, we have no control over the client's unconscious mind. This is a great force over which we have no control. We may be able to assist with some influence, but we must always be as cognizant, as the shaman, that we cannot control it.

The shaman lives in the real world. She holds employment outside the shaministic activities. She does not allow her activities as a shaman to fill her with false pride, or allow her to look down on others with a sense of being superior. It might be easy for some psychotherapists to become filled with a sense of self-importance as they watch their clients improving. These therapists could easily become arrogant and loose touch with empathy for the client. The shaman never forgets that she is a human being and is not above or below the client, but is able to stay in touch with the humanness of herself and the client's. The Shaman works together with the client, as does a psychotherapist. The shaman does not blame herself if a cure does not come forth. The same should hold true for a therapist. If a therapist believes too strongly that she alone is responsible for change in her clients' lives, then she may be setting him or herself up for over-involvement in a client's life and lose her objectivity.

The shaman also protects himself before practicing his trade. So should a therapist. Often therapists neglect to protect themselves from a client's emotional and mental states. Depression and anxiety are two especially contagious emotions. There are times when a therapist comes home from the office, only to find that he is experiencing similar emotions of the client, or they just feel especially drained from a particular patient. Shamans do not feel drained from their work. They do not take on any of the emotional states of the client. Shamans enjoy their work. As therapists, we too need to protect ourselves so we may continue to enjoy our work and recognize the boundary between ourselves and our work, and ourselves and our clients.

As part-item healers, shamans are able to keep their egos separate from the work. Professional therapists have a difficult time keeping their egos out of their work. The part time status of the shaman allows them to deal with the real world. This is the world from where their clients come. It also allows them to perceive themselves as a part of the society and an understanding of the people for whom they perform their work.

Therapists would do well to work part time, or at least have outside hobbies and activities that involve them out side of their careers. By doing so, their chances of defining themselves by their careers and losing perspective life would diminish greatly. They would then be able to maintain and enhance themselves as useful assistants to their clients.

Both shaman and therapists provide their clients with a conceptual framework with which to work. The clients of both come to them often with chaotic and vague distress. Shamans explain to their clients why the client is having the experience, and what they can expect of an outcome. Just knowing these simple "answers" can help a client begin a healing process. As therapists, we too can assist our clients in understanding why something is going on for them and what they can expect. It will help them to conceptualize their distress and give them hope that maybe something can relieve their discomfort. This arouses a hope for cure. Without a hope for cure, the client will probably not want to bother with working on their issues.

In order to arouse this hope for a cure the shaman creates an air of authority through the belief that she is in touch with powerful forces and fosters the belief that she will struggle with the client against the forces that cause her malaise. As psychotherapists, we create our authority through our education and licenses. Knowledge and experience may be viewed as powerful forces that psychotherapists are in touch with. If psychotherapists take an approach similar to the shaman's with their clients, by fostering the belief that they will struggle with the client for change, then maybe that would encourage a closer relationship with the client allowing for depth work to take place.

The shaman elicits vivid emotions in the client. From the shaman's point of view, these emotions are very helpful in the healing process. We can learn from the shaman to remember the important aspect of assisting our clients in experiencing emotions. Psychotherapists assist their clients by leading them into the pain and exploring it. As psychotherapists, we understand the importance of allowing our clients to experience their emotions.

The work of the shaman should serve as a teaching guide to psychotherapists. The shaman reminds us that the work of the mind is as much as an art as a science. It is the art of our work that keeps us in touch with the client. It is the art that sparks our creativity and puts us in touch with our humanity. Like the shaman, we experience a calling that draws us to this profession from somewhere deep in our souls, beyond our physical world at the point where we are aware of our connection to all that exists. If we take nothing else from the shaman, let us take his wisdom that we interconnect with all that exists; and we must work within its laws. Science gives us the tools and knowledge; but art, the art of the shaman, gives us the creativity and understanding to use those tools in a way that can benefit mankind to the depths of his soul.

For more information on Dr. Jim's self-help audios with free samples, log onto www.TheDrWaltonSeries.com. For more information on Dr. Jim, and to obtain free audio affirmations, log onto his website at LAtherapist.com.

Overcome Old Behaviors Around Food

2010-12-02T11:07:00.000-08:00

Many of the issues we have around food began in our childhoods. Old family rules around food and eating can appear in our lives long after we have left home. They are unconsciously programmed deep into our subconscious. They show up during times of stress or when we are distracted. As a result, we find ourselves repeating old behaviors around food that we have struggled with our entire lives, or we find ourselves repeating old behaviors that we thought we had dispensed with long ago.

What were the rules around eating in your childhood? Was it important that you finish your entire plate? Many of us came from households that had very specific rituals and rules around eating and dining. Some of these rules were helpful like washing your hands before eating. Others were not, like requiring all the food to be eaten on your plate. Whatever the case, we carry with us those early lessons around eating.

It would be helpful for you to take a few moments and write down all the different rules around eating that you experienced growing up in your family. Make a note of those that were helpful and those that were not.

Now, take an inventory of those unhelpful behaviors that you continue to practice today. More likely than not, you do those behaviors unconsciously and may have never thought to question them. Behaviors such as finishing everything on your plate before eating any desert or if you take a piece of cake you must eat the entire piece and not just the frosting part that you like.

I’m now asking you to question those old beliefs and learned behaviors. Make a list of the one’s that are not helpful. Were your parents over weight? If so, what were their beliefs about their weight? Did they hold negative feelings towards themselves? Did they hold negative feelings towards people of average size? Do any of those old beliefs affect you today? Take an inventory and write these and others you come up with down on paper.

Write down an action plan to address each one. Then, imagine what it would be like if you no longer did those counter productive behavior around your eating experience. Also write down what it would be like if you no longer thought those negative thoughts around eating.

For more information on losing weight, and to listen to free samples of Dr. Walton’s award-winning album, named “Best Album of the Year” at the JPF International Music Award,” log onto “Dr. Walton's Ultimate Weight Loss.” For more information on Dr. Walton, log onto LAtherapist.com. Press Release

You Can Find the Motivation to Lose Weight

2010-12-01T14:05:00.000-08:00

Losing weight is not about hating the body you have right now. It is about appreciating and loving that very body. Within its own physical limitations, this body has been a wonderful and loving servant of your will.

Your body is the point through which you experience all of your thoughts and feelings, all of your physical sensations and perceptions of the world around you. Your body is the point through which you experience the entire reality of your life. It is the one thing that you’ll always have with you from birth until the end of your life. It deserves your love no matter what condition it is in at this given time.

Your body is not your enemy; it is not working against you. The body does not act independently from your treatment of it. Your body only responds to the way you treat it. It reflects the care that you give it. If you feed it foods that cause it to gain weight, it will respond by gaining weight. If you exercise it within reason, it will become more efficient and toned. It is a loving servant of your will within its individual limitations.

How you treat your body affects your health - which affects how you feel about yourself and that affects your perceptions of the world around you. It is so important to keep it fit and healthy through appropriate exercise and eating habits in order for it to help you experience life to its fullest.

Losing weight and becoming more fit can be done for no one else but for yourself. Those members of your family and friends who have been urging you to lose weight love you and have your best interest at heart, but their urging alone is not enough if you are to succeed. If you are not motivated on your own and are only bending to their demands, then you’ll only end up resenting those people who love you and sabotaging your efforts at losing weight.

To succeed at losing weight, you must realize that you are the one in control of your decisions and life. Losing weight is a process rather than an event. As with all processes, the movement forward is built upon a foundation of successes and setbacks. Our setbacks can be as valuable as our successes and are opportunities for learning more about ourselves and our desires. Learning from our setbacks allows us to move closer to the success we desire.

It takes determination to lose weight. Unhealthy eating habits and lifestyles are not easy to overcome. It is both a physical and emotional sacrifice you must make when it comes to achieving your desired weight goals. The result of a sacrifice is to make something sacred. When you change your eating habits and adopt a healthy exercise program, you perform a sacrifice that symbolizes to yourself, and those around you, that your health and quality of life are sacred to you.

In some Native American tribes, it was called upon for young men and women to make a sacrifice to achieve recognition of adulthood. Often, that sacrifice involved a ritual of scaring the body. The sacrifice you may endure on your journey to achieving your desired weight can be as meaningful to your psyche as any scar left upon the body and deserves to be honored and respected.

A scar represents pain and injury; it also represents a capacity to heal and grow beyond what has been. Scar material is always stronger than what existed before.

You may have begun over eating as a response to medicating yourself from a painful emotional experience. Food became a way of pacifying bad feelings. Eating is a comforting and soothing experience that takes us back to younger days when we were children and a loving parent soothed our feelings with food.

By choosing to lose weight at this time, you have chosen a sacrifice that symbolically moves you beyond the immaturity of your youth. It may be viewed as a rite of passage into adulthood.

For a sacrifice to have meaning, it must be a personal choice made by you alone. True sacrifice is not an imprisonment, but rather, it is the ultimate expression of your free will and that is to be honored and revered.

You Can Enjoy Food Even More and Still Lose Weight

2010-11-26T17:16:00.000-08:00

A satisfying dining experience is much more than just eating food. It involves all of our other senses as well as taste. The environment in which we are dining, the color and presentation of the food, the smells and conversation and even the music contribute to satisfaction of our dining experience. By noticing and experiencing each of these while you are dining, you will slow down the eating process and open up to a greater sense of satisfaction as you are dining.

Often times, we eat so fast that we don’t even notice the flavors of what we are eating. In our rush to consume the food as fast as we can, we miss out on the wonderful and very pleasurable experience of eating. In an effort to bring more pleasure and awareness to our eating, it is important for us to slow down and enjoy the experience. Actually tasting the food is an important part of enjoying the experience and getting more out of it. In order to taste the food, we have to slow down the eating process to enjoy it.

It is so important to eat slowly when losing weight. It takes 20 to 30 minutes for the brain to register that the stomach has eaten something and cut off the hunger signals. We can consume a tremendous amount of food in that 30 minute period if we aren’t careful. By slowing down and enjoying the other experiences around you during your dining, you will not only have more opportunities to experience a wider sense of satisfaction, you will also give your brain enough time to register that you have eaten something and cut off the hunger signal.

One way to slow down the eating process to give yourself a chance to cut off the hunger process is to chew your food slowly while putting the fork down between each bite. While you are chewing, notice the different flavors of the food. Notice how they mingle and try to pick apart the different ingredients that went into its creation.

While you are chewing on the food, notice its temperature. Is it warm or cold? Notice its texture. Is it crunchy or soft? Fully experience the food that is in your mouth and enjoy the experience.

Play with the food on your plate. It’s ok to do. In fact, it will help you slow down your eating. It is a little trick that will cause you to delay the eating process and

If you are dining with others, do most of the talking yourself. This will give your stomach a chance to send the signal to your brain that you have eaten something while enjoying conversation and receiving some attention.

I Shop, Therefore I Am

2010-11-17T16:09:00.000-08:00

Shopping can be a fun and relaxing experience. It’s a welcome break from the daily routine and can even take on a meditative quality for some individuals allowing them to process thoughts running in the back of their minds. The discovery of a desired object or the perfect addition to decorating a room can feel like a small victory that allows us to rejuvenate and gear up for more difficult tasks.

However, there is a point when shopping for fun on occasion crosses a line and the individual becomes what is known as a shopaholic.

Shopaholics put themselves and their families in financial danger. Their shopping escapades are often shrouded in secrecy and feelings of humiliation. Shopaholics will frequently run up large credit card debt and many will work more than one job to keep up with the payments. They can even spend so much money on compulsive shopping that they are unable to pay more essential bills such as rent or utilities. They can put their relationships in jeopardy and even put their careers at risk by spending too much time on the Internet while at work.

Some shop to medicate bad feelings. Uncovering what those feelings are, giving them expression and dealing with them in therapy would be a way of handling this type of excessive shopping. Some people shop during the manic phase of a bi-polar episode. They delude themselves into thinking that they are immune to any negative effects of their over shopping behavior. These individuals could receive benefit from medications such as mood stabilizers.

Some shopaholics are obsessive compulsive. These shoppers feel compelled to buy multiples of any particular item. Sometimes, they purchase multiples in different colors, or sometimes they purchase multiples of a single item telling themselves they don’t want to run out. These individuals don’t get the “shopper’s high” that other shopaholics receive. Instead, they are responding to the internal pressure of an impulse to shop to feel some relief of its pressure. These individuals sometimes respond to antidepressants but cognitive/behavioral treatments such as hypnosis have been shown to be highly effective for some.

CREATIVITY AND THE CREATION OF POETRY

2010-09-01T00:01:00.000-07:00

In the summer of 1998, my best friend of nine years was diagnosed with a terminal illness. A pain of rarely equaled intensity shot through my soul upon hearing the news. I was left feeling helpless to what the fates had decided. I am including, at the end of this blog, an example of two poems that came from this experience. The first poem was composed and completed within weeks of the diagnosis. The second was begun six months after his death in the summer of 1999 and was completed in its final form during the spring of 2004.

I was the last person, with the exception of his nurse, to see him alive. He died within hours of my leaving his side. Those last few hours we spent together in silence while I held him. As I turned to leave, for the first time in our long relationship he mouthed the words "I love you." We both recognized that this would be the last precious moments we would spend together on this physical plane.

I was left with a haunting and indescribable feeling that would stay with me until the birth of the second poem, which began from a dream I had. I have not judged these works as good or bad. They were called from within me to be expressed; they would not let go until they were written down.

When they were completed, I was able to say good-bye to my friend. Both poems hold for me a mixture of relief and sadness. I continue to hold onto, and tolerate, the duality of the feelings.

The conception of my poems usually germinates through a personal experience. Often, it is an emotionally difficult experience that inspires me to examine my feelings more closely. As Von Franz stated, "There must be some disruption to make us aware of what we are swimming in." For me, the first disruption is a painfully jarring experience. It first settles into my soul as a feeling and emerges transformed as a written story or poem. Writing has been for me a medium through which I am able to express a calling from my soul. Poetry comes from the soul moving to know itself.

The journey of my poetic experience begins through my emotions as I am taken down into the depths of my feelings and prepare for the journey. The emotions grab hold of me and refuse to let go. They then begin to make their presence felt in my daydreams and occasionally in my dreams at night. Through these dreams, a space is created for the experience where none had existed before. In the recesses of my mind, the expression of the experience becomes a subtle obsession. It asks for expression.

In the request, I descend with the experience and the associated emotions. There is always a period of time where I feel confused as to how to respond to this calling. It is a time when the experience disturbs me. I also note an internal struggle as to whether or not to give the experience voice. Self-criticism can often step in the way and suggest to me that I am too small for the task at hand. This is a time when I might let go of the idea of giving voice to the experience. I would let it go if it were not for the persistent calling some experiences make to me through my thoughts and dreams.

I am taken deeper through my feelings and encounter the sense of this being "my work" rather than that of the voice of an experience calling from within me asking for it's expression. My ego wants to be the author of the work. It seems to wrestle with the actual voice of the work. The ego wants to put its mark on the work and exalt myself as a genius. The wrestling between the actual voice of the work and my ego can last for lengthy periods of time. There are some stories and poems I have had to leave and return to over a period of years to hear the actual voice of the work more clearly.

When the ego takes over, I lose sight of the work. The writing begins to sound stilted. The ego becomes obsessed with correct expression, grammar, punctuation and approval. It also becomes obsessed with the necessity of the reader to understand the story with all of its metaphors as the ego wishes them to be understood. The ego takes away the space for allowing the work to speak for itself. This is done out of the ego's fear that if the work were to actually speak, it would sound foolish and would not be understood.

My ego wants to be in control and receive the credit. In a sense, the ego wants to define the creativity. For if we define creativity, we limit it. By defining creativity, we place the ego's judgment upon it and thus restrict creativity by defeating its liberating effects.

Being judged is my ego's strongest fear. It wants to be appreciated and loved by everyone. There are many times that I stop a creative work because my ego is afraid of being judged. It wants the work to be completely accepted by all. It wants to bask in the glory of its brilliance. It is a time when I have forgotten who is doing the speaking. I am listening to the ego and not as closely to the work itself, which has its own need for expression. In the last several years, I have become better at allowing the work to speak more clearly while relaxing my attention on the ego.

There are also times when in the middle of a creative process, I become very sleepy. These are times when I am locked in battle with the ego. It is a time when I consciously turn my attention from the ego and allow myself to dream briefly. Somewhere in the depths of my subconscious, I am able to hear the voice of the work. It is heard through the voice of inspiration. The words for the writing then begin to flow more freely through my mind and onto the creative medium.

This awakening from the dream with a sense of direction and inspiration may be expressed as the "Aesthetic Moment." By the end of a series of short naps and daydreams, I emerge with a different relationship to the work. The relationship has changed because the ego has settled and has let go of most of the control. I do, however, have to remain vigilant of the ego's desire to return to control over the work. It is a time in the creation process when the work has overcome the narcissism of the ego and is free to speak with its own voice. The work has finally differentiated from the ego.

For allowing the differentiation to take place, I am rewarded with the gift of the work. I must accept the death of the tenacious ego and submit to the creative process of the work without trying to run it. What was once considered by the ego as worthless drivel spoken by the work has now become meaningful. When the ego has differentiated enough from the work, the necessary hard work of putting the voice to paper begins. This is the moment of poesis, the actual creation of the work.

Through this process, the work now takes on its own life and it is time for me to let it go. It is at this point, I begin to express the voice of the work through writing. In a flurry of activity, I begin to write down the ideas as though they are flowing from my head and through my hands automatically without thought. I then find myself doing major revisions of what I began writing earlier. It is a process that can take a matter of hours, weeks or years to complete.

During the period of the birth of the work, I am transformed as well. The work has led me through spaces of my unconscious that I was not aware of. The experience itself allows me to observe my ego’s struggle for control. In the process, I view how my ego gets in the way of my creativity. I become aware of the ways in which I am distracted from the work and gain insight into my resistance to completing it.

During the writing of the work, I am amazed at the depth of emotion it takes me to. Emotions that have long been held in silence, deep from within, are given voice for the first time. With my ego's silence, I become aware of their existence with in me. Through my awareness of their existence, and through their expression, I am transformed.

There was a time when I was resistant about returning to a work out of fear that I was contaminating it with my ego through re-working it. An internal conflict would take place. I would question myself as to whether the changes I wanted to make coming from my ego or from the work itself? I would question myself as to why I was changing the work. Often, the answer was that there was more information or enhancement that needed to take place before the work was completed. I often find that when I return to a work it is to enlarge and enhance it.

The anima (Jung's holding and nurturing part of the self), present in my creative process, allows me to hold the work through a period of gestation. It quiets the goal oriented and driven to control animus (Jung’s driven part of the self) to allow the internal voices of wisdom to speak. In the process, I gain a greater respect and trust for the ways of the anima. I gain a greater trust in the moments of silence. For through the silence and the holding of the work, its voice can be heard and its wisdom understood.

Upon the completion of a work, I feel a greater connection with and understanding of the world. It is an understanding of acceptance for the way creation unfolds rather than the drive to conquer and control creative works. It is a moment of reflection in the process of life.

During my creative work, I am in transference with the topic. It pulls at my soul and often can bring with it an unwelcome depth of emotional experience that would be far easier for me to ignore than experience.

When I allow myself to step back from the work, I can hear the voice of the work more strongly. When I re-read the work, I frequently notice nuances and connotations that were never consciously intended; yet they expand the meaning of the work.

By beginning a work, I am stepping outside of myself and attempting to put on paper the expression of the work. I am limited by language, intelligence and my own willingness to let go of the work and allowing it to speak. However, in the creative process there are times I find my ego stepping aside to allow the work to speak. During those times, the words seem to flow from my hands on to the paper without a thought. When I allow this to happen, there are many times I am surprised by what has come out.

By allowing the creative process to flow from me I am able to see depth in a work upon its completion that I was consciously unaware of at the time of the writing. It allows me to view the internal voice that was calling out to speak.

It is in this "first" reading as a completed work that I am most surprised by what has come out. This is also a time when the work approaches me again to clarify itself and inspire some changes. The initial completion of the work allows me to put it aside. By doing so, I become less invested in the work. I am also allowed for the first time to understand the completed work as a whole. It now gives the work a presence in my life that seems apart from me. The initial completion of the work allows me to physically experience its separateness. It has now been given birth to on paper and is no longer what appeared to be a possession within my head.

If I can recognize the work as coming from outside of myself, my ego can let go of the work as a possession of its own and learn form it. The ego can do this if it has let go of the harsh judgment and investment in pride it would have in a work considered its own. By viewing the work as coming from outside of itself, it does not have the investment and therefore can be open to whatever message the work itself holds.

The experience of my friend's death held a tremendous amount of personal information for me if I were only able to listen to it. Through the creative process of writing, I was able to access some of those feelings. The writing also seemed to help ease the pain of loss I was suffering because of his death. It allowed me to immortalize a thought of him. This thought was brought into the physical world and given embodiment through the poem. It is as though if I could not be with him in the physical, I could be with his poem, which has been made physical.

The second poem was initiated by a brief nap I took on a plane back East to visit my family. My friend had died about 6 months before. In the dream, my friend was standing on a beach and seemed to motion to me. I woke up immediately with the original thoughts of the poem in my head. I hurriedly wrote them down on a piece of scrap paper and when I returned to the comfort of my home in California, I began to work with the poem.

In the process, many of my own fears of loss and death began to surface. I began to reflect back on other losses I had experienced in my life. Their energy went into the poem as well. I was experiencing transference with the poems. I would note to myself the different emotional responses I would have each time I would work with them. At times, they would fill me with sadness, other times I would experience anger and yet at others I would experience a sense of peace.

THE SILENCE

The wind may not be held in our hands, or stored in a box,
to do so, it would no longer be the wind,
nor may we hold onto or confine the love of another.
Like the wind, its beauty comes from passing over us
allowing us to feel,
to feel its freedom
and yet, it can never die,
for in its silence, it is always around us
to stir again at a moment's notice.

THE WITNESS

My friend it is evening.
Come sit beside me
to watch the shadows cast long, reaching toward the ocean's edge.

Stay with me,
in the cooling air
that once fired the burning sands upon which we danced.

Listen with me,
as the sounds of day fade
into the timeless waves that wash upon the shore.

And be still,
as I close my eyes
to linger with the stars;
their soothing light now calls upon my soul.

Dr. James E. Walton, respected Marriage & Family Therapist, TV and radio host, and columnist, has won multiple international awards for his fast selling album series including Best Album of the Year in self-help from the 2009 JPF Independent Music Awards, the largest independent music award organization in the world. With hundreds of thousands of tracks sold, he is a leader in the field of self-help. For more information on Dr. Jim's self-help audios with free samples, log onto www.TheDrWaltonSeries.com. For videos and more information on Dr. Jim, and to obtain free audio affirmations, log onto his website at LAtherapist.com.

Giving and Receiving: The Sacred Dance of Life

2010-07-02T23:02:00.000-07:00

When we are feeling angry with our partner, the fastest way to release that anger and regain a loving attitude towards them is to do a simple act of giving. Just by doing something nice for them, we focus our attention off of the obsessive quality of our anger and refocus into the loving feelings we have for them. The act itself is a release that allows us to feel a greater sense of purpose in our chosen relationship.

Giving in general, such as simply opening a door for someone, allows us to regain a sense of missing personal empowerment. We may not be able to completely control our environment, and we certainly cannot control another’s actions, but we can control whether or not we do something nice for another person. And in doing so, we reconnect with that sense of personal power that has been eluding us.

No matter what spiritual beliefs you may hold; giving, and its inseparable partner receiving, were the first acts of creation in of our world. It was the original experience. And for a moment, it was the only experience. From that simple act, all of life sprang forth. Whether you believe it was God or some other cosmic force, we were the receivers of the gift of life. As a result, it is the most basic and purist experience that reflects back upon our very beginning of existence. Through it, we can honor and expand its meaning and presence in our lives. It’s quite a powerful little tool we carry in our psychological back pocket.

Depression - When individuals are depressed, they are focused inward on themselves. They can become lost focusing internally on themselves. Sometimes, we aren’t able to see alternative solutions because we have limited ourselves to running over and over an internal and unchanging landscape that offers no way out. There is nothing in there to offer a different perspective. It becomes self-reinforcing and we spiral further and further into our sense of despair and loneliness.

Giving to another, then, becomes an effective and powerful way of bringing ourselves out of depression’s grasp. In depression, we are fooled into thinking that we are alone. The simple act of giving breaks us out of that framework and challenges the misguided perception that we are alone. In the very act of giving, we are challenged to acknowledge that we are not alone. That in and of itself gets us out of the way we had been thinking. We start looking outside of ourselves. Giving challenges us to acknowledge we are not alone. That realization becomes the first step in the recovery and healing of depression.

Simply volunteering somewhere will allow you to tap into the power of giving. And as you do, do not neglect your very important role as the receiver. This kind of healing requires both giving and receiving. Allow yourself to accept and fully enjoy the good feelings that come from giving and receiving. For, if one only gives without receiving, it can be a way of feeling control over another or a way of defending the self from the good feelings that are generated from the other’s act of giving.

Sacrifice - It is the ultimate form of giving. It literally means to make sacred. That for which we sacrifice is made sacred. Sacrifice, through out time, has been our way of interaction with the spiritual.

The sacrifice of a mother for a child is the highest and most revered form of giving in our existence. It touches the divine. In the moment of that giving, you can ask any mother who has done so, the gift they receive in the moment of their sacrifice is an overwhelming sense of purpose in their life. Within the suffering of their sacrifice, there is contained an indescribable joy and a moment where they experience and understand the depth and power of the love that they carry within themselves.

Giving and receiving are inextricably joined together. So by giving, we feel a greater connection to our world and in the process, it gives us the opportunity to find greater meaning in life.

There is quite a bit of research on the connection between giving and health. People who have pets have been shown to live longer and live healthier lives than those who live alone. Owning a pet requires us to be a caregiver of another life form. As a caregiver, we are willingly taking on the role of giving. People can say that the pet is giving to the owner as well. That is absolutely true. The pet owner is dynamically engaged in the dance of giving and receiving. They are engaged in the dance of life.

Some people have a difficult time receiving because they have unconsciously tied reciprocation expectations onto the gift. There may be fear around feeling an obligation to return the gift and fears of their own inadequacy at doing so begin to surface.

We are taught that it is more blessed to give than to receive, but it clearly does not say that receiving is not a blessed act as well. In order for the giver to have the experience of giving, there must be a receiver who allows them to experience the act of giving. To turn down a compliment, gift, etcetera, it actually prevents the giver from experiencing the intrinsic rewards of giving. The unrequited giver hears in the subtext of the gift-refusal that their offering is unworthy.

When we turn down a compliment, we are subtly telling the giver that they are wrong. That kind of experience leaves both parties with a rather empty and unfulfilling experience.

If you find that you have a difficult time receiving, and are willing to change and grow beyond that limiting belief, you can try the following simple exercise:

Every single day somebody will offer to you a simple act of kindness. We are so conditioned to not receive that we often do not acknowledge or even recognize those moments when we are the recipient of a gift. With this awareness, begin your day with a quest to find that simple moment that appears in you life. It may be as simple as someone letting you into traffic or as large as being told how beautiful you look today.

In either case, the first thing you can do is to recognize that a gift is being held out to you then tell yourself that you recognize it. As you practice, you will begin to notice more and more of those moments of gift offerings in your life that you have been missing.

If you don’t know what to say in that moment, simply say, “thank you” and do the best you can to tolerate the anxiety that might arise in you. You do not need to say anything else, nor do you need to "match" their offering with an obligated return gift. Giving is always done freely. If it isn’t given freely, and you feel obligated to return it in kind, it becomes a sale and the sacredness of the moment is lost forever.

Dr. James E. Walton, respected Marriage & Family Therapist, TV & radio host, and author, has won multiple international awards for his fast selling album series including Best Album of the Year in self-help from the 2009 JPF Independent Music Awards, the largest independent music award organization in the world. With hundreds of thousands of tracks sold, he is a leader in the field of self-help. For more information on Dr. Jim's self-help audios with free samples, log onto www.TheDrWaltonSeries.com. For videos and more information on Dr. Jim, and to obtain free audio affirmations, log onto his website at LAtherapist.com.

Long-term vs. Short-term Memory - How to Maximize Both

2010-06-15T13:16:00.000-07:00

Short-term memory stores information temporarily in the mind. Long-term memory stores information permanently in the mind. Both properties are essential for high functioning in our society.

Short-term memory retains information in terms of chunks, or items. It is estimated that our capacity for short-term memory is for seven chunks, plus or minus two. To increase the number of chunks in our short term memory takes serious effort. Anxiety and lack of sleep can actually interfere with short term memory.

Long-term memory, however, has an unlimited capacity for information. Information remains in short term memory only as long as we continue to think about it, information placed in long-term memory remains there permanently. Once we have dedicated five to ten seconds of serious concentration to memorizing an item, it will remain in the long-term memory.

In order to retain this information in the long-term memory, we must be able to relate the information to information we already know. This is known as coding information. Short-term memory does not have any coding processes. Therefore, information is easily and quickly forgotten from the short-term memory.

In our long-term memory, we are able to learn new information without forgetting old information. In contrast, the short-term memory holds information only as long as a person is able to pay attention to it. In both processes, however, we are able to experience an apparent loss of information. In short-term memory, the loss of information may occur from either new incoming information or from decay due to not attending the old information. In short-term memory, we are only able to retain a very small amount of information at any given time, so information can be lost quickly due to interference. This differs from loss of information in long-term memory.

Loss of information in the long-term memory is more due to a retrieval failure rather than an actual loss of the information. When information is not coded in a way that is conveniently accessible, it appears to be forgotten by the long-term memory. However, if the person were able to give himself the correct cues for retrieving the information, he would most likely be able to.

Both Long and Short term memory are involved in the Serial Position Effect. This effect means that items given at the beginning and end of the list are better remembered than items given in the middle of the list. Long-term memory is utilized at the beginning of the list because the information is given so much attention it is placed there. Short-term memory is utilized at the end of the list because it is the last item and is temporarily held there until it is interfered with or removed form our focus. Thus, information learned at the end of the list will be forgotten within a short period of time, however, the information learned at the beginning of the list will be retained because it has been committed to the long-term memory.

Both long-term and short-term memories are based in biological systems. They are, however, theorized to be located in different areas of the brain. It appears that long-term memory may be stored as concepts throughout the entire brain. Opposed to short-term memory, which seems to be located in the hippocampus area of the brain. When the hippocampus is removed from both sides of the brain, a person retains his long-term memory, however loses his short-term memory. Therefore, there appears to be separate areas of the brain that control short and long term memories.

Both long-term and short term memories work together through what is called the Duplex Theory. Long-term memory can actually assist short-term memory through the use of mnemonics. Mnemonics are retrieval and storage plans for dealing with information. Information recalled from the long-term memory can be used to assist the short-term memory through mnemonics. Mnemonics allow larger chunks of information to be formed though associations.

Once a mnemonic has been use for the retention of information, it can be called up and used by the short-term memory for creating a larger chunk of information. The short-term memory can only hold approximately seven chunks of information. However, if the long-term memory used a mnemonic device for memorizing the information, this information is brought into the short-term memory in larger chunks that allow more information to be held in the short-term memory at that time. Thus, short-term memory can be expanded by drawing upon previously learned material stored in long term memory. This affects a person's ability to chunk, and allows them to store information in larger chunks and therefore expands their working memory. Relaxation and meditation exercises can be very helpful for improving both short and long-term memory.

The long and short-term memories work together and separately to maximize the capacity of our learning processes. They each have different tasks that they perform in our memory functions. Both are essential for our success at functioning independently in this world.

Introduction to Dr. Jim and Feeding Your Relationship

2010-06-07T12:27:00.000-07:00

Death As A Way of Knowing Life

2010-06-04T22:25:00.000-07:00

For centuries, scientific linear thinking has been dominating our way of understanding the world. Linear ways of knowing life implies a beginning and an end. This process has led us away from understanding holistic harmony with the earth into an area where life is understood only through isolating its parts. Linear ways of knowing life implies a beginning and an end. Thus, if life is going to have an end, we do not hold ourselves accountable for it and feel no need to understand ourselves on a deeper level since it will end anyway.

To understand what I’m saying more clearly, consider an elephant. Linear thinking requires that we kill the elephant and study its individual parts by removing them from the body such as its heart, lungs, etc. In that process, we have removed the elephant from its interaction with the environment in an effort to understand the elephant without the extraneous contaminating influences that surround it. However, a holistic way of understanding the elephant would be to observe it in its environment and consider the environment as an essential component of what it means to be an elephant.

We are now challenged to take accountability for our actions and reawaken through holistic ways of knowing to understand our harmony with life. Our linear ideas of understanding our world are being challenged through our encounter with death. For linear thinking, death is the unquestionable end. In holistic thinking, death leads us back to the beginning; it is part of the environment that is an essential component of what it means to be alive. Through understanding death, we are brought into a search for greater meaning in our lives while being directed to reconnect with the world around us.

That we are born implies that we will die. However, the knowledge of our own demise is a subject we choose to avoid in our current thinking. Such thoughts only raise our level of anxiety since death is perceived as the end.

As children, we generally have no knowledge of death before the age of three. By the age of nine, almost all children realize the inevitability of death. How a child relates to and handles the subject of death has much to do with the influence the parents and society have exerted about the topic. However, the fear of death seems to be a universal one.

Death brings with it a sense of powerlessness that can be terrifying to the average person. It is a fear that is only made worse by our current linear thinking about death. Linear thinking distances us from what we want to know in order to understand it. This form of thinking removes that which we want to know, death, from its natural context of daily life. By doing so, our scientific thinking has actually removed death from our daily lives, thus removing the familiarity and understanding that comes from such intimate contact with it.

Scientific thinking is linear. It affords no hope of rebirth from death. To that way of thinking, death is the end. Such ways of knowing death can strike terror into the heart of the average person. It is therefore not understood as a circular part of life as holistic ways of thinking would have it, but it is removed from life and becomes a stranger to our existence. It is a stranger that we fear. Since we do not have control over this stranger, we decide to remove it from our sight completely.

In the 15th century, linear perspective was developed and vision became the primary way of knowing. That tradition of linear perspective continues today. We choose to deny death by removing it from our line of vision. We do so by removing the elderly and placing them in nursing homes and placing the terminally ill in hospices. We even remove the process of dying from our vocabulary. Many people cannot even say the word cancer when referring to a dying acquaintance, or if they do, the words are mentioned in a hushed voice. The action of whispering implies the removal of the dying from our lives and consciousness. We do not want to know death when using scientific thinking as our way of knowing, because it means the end.

Nursing homes are frequently established in areas zoned for business away from the daily life of neighborhoods. Therefore, they are removed from our daily lives. Hospices, however, are designed to be established in residential neighborhoods affording the terminally ill the sense of belonging in a community.

Both cancer and AIDS hospices have extreme difficulty opening in neighborhoods. The neighbors are highly resistant to these facilities being place near their homes. Their resistance does not come from any trouble these facilities have been known to cause, or because they are capable of spreading a disease in their neighborhood, but because these facilities are a reminder of death. Hospices are places were people go to die. They represent the helplessness we have over death. Thus, the neighbors fight, because they do not want to know death. They wish to remain innocent of its existence. All forms of knowing set up a tension between the call to know and the desire to not know.

However, we cannot hide from death. We have consciousness, and with consciousness, comes awareness of our own demise. Knowledge of our death, has forced us to leave the paradise of ignorance. To gain knowledge we must leave the paradise of innocence. To leave this innocence for knowledge we are cursed and wounded. The wound is the awareness of our own demise. We are then cursed to carry that knowledge with us the rest of our lives.

Our scientific ways of viewing death have cut us off from our intimate understanding and awareness of death. It is no longer a part of our lives; we have removed it from nature. It is isolated and relegated to the world of hospitals and doctors. It is relegated to the world of science. Death is treated as separate from life and thus it is removed from our lives. We have lost our holistic connections with death through scientific thinking.

Today, in the 21st century, we are being confronted with our own mortality on a massive scale through natural disasters, disease on a massive scale, war and environmental destruction. People who have been diagnosed with terminal cancer are directly confronted with the knowledge their own mortality. The diagnosis of cancer is on the rise. In fact, a recent study states that by 2030 the number of cancer deaths that year will be double what they are today. The diagnosis of cancer is on the rise. Those of us who are aware of someone with cancer are confronted with our own mortality.

It is impossible to not be aware of cancer if one is connected to society. Cancer is mentioned on a daily basis on the television, radio, newspapers and magazines. To be connected to society today, one is connected to cancer and death. Knowledge of death is being forced into our lives on a massive scale.

People with AIDS more than any other disease are shunned from society. Stories of firebombing homes and pulling children out of school where a child with AIDS attends are commonplace. These people are unwelcome living reminders that we live with death. Rationally, people know that AIDS is not spread casually. Our logical minds tell us that we are in no danger from those people. People just do not want to know death and they are willing to go to extremes to avoid being confronted with their own mortality.

Holistically speaking, death on a massive scale is brought into our living rooms every night through war, terror and disease and it confronts us with the cycle of life. It becomes a step in our growth. Death then becomes a part of the cycle of life and rebirth.

Modern man does not want to know about himself. Such knowledge would only lead him deeper into self-awareness and feelings that would lead him out of the paradise of ignorance into the curse and wound of knowledge. Man has become lazy as far as understanding himself and looking deeper into his meaning. Terrorism and war have become a way for consciousness to dramatize the fact by striking those considered with the most life, civilians and soldiers in the prime of life, with sudden death. This, in turn, causes the rest of us to search deeper for the meaning in life.

The death of the elderly is easy to over look. We expect the elderly to eventually die, and we can remain numb to the fact through our own youth by not being able to identify with them. However, war and terrorism strikes down mainly the young and the healthy. Death has now moved from the unidentifiable realm of the elderly and has entered into the world of youth. Youth is the section of our society that we most wish to identify with. Now, to identify with youth, we are confronted with death. In many ways, our view of youth is superficial. We mostly focus on outward youthful appearances. Our having to confront death in the face of youth leads us deeper into Self and away from superficiality.

Constant war, terrorism and environmental destruction have become symptoms of the world losing contact with its soul. Our linear thinking has pulled us far away from our connection with the earth by separating us away from that which we want to know.

We have lost the holistic way of knowing our subjects through intimacy and love. We have "tortured Nature for her secrets" and removed all sense of soul from our discoveries. Humankind has become more self-centered and less community oriented over the past few centuries.

Individuality involves the capacity to experience the physical, as well as, emotional differences from others. To experience individuation, one must be left in the original context of his environment, as individuation implies the preexistence of a relationship from which one is to individuate. Scientific thinking does not have the capacity to acknowledge differentiation in terms of relationships, since scientific knowledge is derived by separating the subject from its environment. Therefore, as scientific ways of knowing are dominant in this culture, the differentiation of individuals is not an encouraged way of being.

Scientific thinking has led to our alienation from one another through distancing. This form of knowledge does not allow for emotions to assist in our understanding. In scientific thinking emotions are moved outside of one's self. Holistically, death is a process that leads to the withdraw of our interaction and towards our individuation due to the change in our environment. Thus, death becomes a way to force those left behind to individuate. It forces us to experience our individuation and confront our anonymity.

The disfigurement of the body by diseases such as cancer can correspond to the disfigurement we are wrecking upon the earth. The earth, like the body of a cancer victim, is dying from wounds, toxins and neglect.

The soul of the earth, like that of man, is calling out for more connection. The affliction of cancer, terrorism, constant war and wide spread disease are causing some people to get in touch with their compassion and love for others and for the Earth. True acts of compassion for those suffering from disease and disaster are taking place. Disease and disaster are helping us to reconnect with the compassionate and loving parts of ourselves that we have long neglected.

A person with a terminal illness realizes that his or her time is short and so often will drop the pretenses and superficial values of the world for more honest and intimate quality time with those they love. In doing so, they reintroduce us to the value of intimate relationships and drop the walls of anonymity that keep distance between people.

It has been found that those people who eat more whole foods and take more rest and move with the rhythm of life with a more accepting attitude while letting go of anger live healthier longer. From a holistic perspective, they have become messengers of the collective unconscious directing us to simplify our lives and reconnect with the earth.

The afflictions of constant war, environmental disaster, terrorism and cancer have brought the awareness of death into the hub of modern society and away from the isolation of the elderly. It has become a symptom of suffering by the soul of the world. It is a sign to draw our attention away from the superficialities of life and to look deeper into the interconnectedness of the world. It is drawing us away from linear scientific thinking and its separation from nature to a more holistic way of knowing which embraces life and moves in harmony with it. It embraces life and all that goes with it. To live with harmony and respect for all life and its forms while remaining open to feeling and hearing the voice of the world is to live holistically with all life. That seems to be our greatest challenge and lesson of life today in knowing our world through holistic understanding and preserving our future.

Dr. Walton's latest album, Healing from Grief and Finding Peace in Your Life, was just released. Check it out on iTunes, Amazon.com, and CDbaby for free samples. For more information on Dr. James E. Walton you may log onto his website at LAtherapist.com There you will find free affirmation downloads, videos, self-help CDs and helpful topical pages for you to explore.

Three Ways to Help A Loved One Lose Weight

2010-06-02T10:27:00.000-07:00

I am very grateful to the French film students who edited this video. I hope you enjoy it and are able to forgive a few typos and glitches that came out of some difficulties in the translation and learning process.

For more information on Dr. Walton's international award-winning album "Ultimate Weight Loss," you can log onto the site and hear free download samples. Press Release

For more information on Dr. Walton's self-help audios with free samples, log onto www.TheDrWaltonSeries.com. For more information on Dr. Walton, and to obtain free audio affirmations, log onto his website at LAtherapist.com.

How Can Hypnosis Help?

2010-05-08T13:53:00.000-07:00

What Is Hypnosis?

Hypnosis is a pleasant state of relaxation created with words allow the subconscious mind to be receptive to positive suggestions in its thought processes.

Suggestions given under hypnosis are more powerful than those given when the person is conscious, because the suggestions are given directly to the subconscious mind.

Under hypnosis, people are not asleep. They are actually awake. They are aware of everything going on around them and of everything that is being said to them. If asked, they could recall everything that took place while under hypnosis. Hypnosis is a natural state that we all experience everyday.

How Does Hypnosis Work?

Hypnosis allows you to enter a heightened state of suggestibility to create more effective communication with the subconscious mind, the area where all of your habits and impulses are formed. Hypnosis makes it easy to replace unwanted habits and impulses with more positive relaxed ones.

Is Hypnosis Dangerous?

No. Under hypnosis, you are aware of all of the suggestions you receive. You will not do anything that is against your well-being or safety. Should an objectionable suggestion be given while under hypnosis, you would either ignore the suggestion or would bring yourself out of hypnosis.

What Can Hypnosis Do For Me?

Stress is a leading cause of the breakdown in communication between individuals and leading cause of self-destructive behaviors. Hypnosis can help to reduce the stress that can lead to improved interpersonal communication and better thought processes for decision-making.

People who experience a sense of low self-confidence often find difficulty succeeding in their careers, relationships and other social interactions. Hypnosis can help people stop negative patterns of communication and help in creating gr3eater differentiation allowing a person to reduce their emotional reactivity and gain more self-confidence. This allows them to handle stressful situation in a more calm, rational and relaxed state.

Hypnosis is also very useful when used in combination with psychotherapy fore overcoming weight and eating issues as well as releasing undesirable habits that interfere with what you want out of life.

For more information on hypnosis and to listen to free samples of Dr. Walton's self-help series log onto TheDrWaltonSeries.com. you can also follow his daily tips on Twitter@LAtherapist. For more information on Dr. Walton and to get free audio affirmations for self-empowerment, log onto his website at LAtherapist.com.

Helping A Friend Who Has Been Through A Trauma

2010-04-23T16:38:00.000-07:00

Any on of us may break down if we experience enough stress. When conditions of overwhelming stress occur, even a previously stable individual may develop temporary psychological problems. An individual will usually recover easily once the stressful situation is over. In some cases, there are longer lasting effects that increase vulnerability to stress leading to a reduction in job satisfaction and poor interpersonal relationships.

This is a blog on how to observe the warning signs of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and not becoming over-involved with a friend’s problem and how to refer them to professional counseling.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) can be experienced by people exposed to earthquakes, sexual assaults, plane crashes, automobile accidents, fires, etc. These individuals experience psychological “shock” reactions and show signs of stress. Symptoms frequently occur after a trauma. People with this disorder might experience anxiety ranging from mild to severe anxiety when situations are presented that recall the traumatic event.

People who have been subjected to trauma often experience chronic tension, irritability, fatigue, and/r insomnia. Often, persons experiencing PTSD will experience nightmares that directly or symbolically represent the traumatic incident. Other symptoms include lack of concentration, memory loss and feelings of depression.

Therapeutic intervention with a therapist right after the trauma can greatly reduce the chances of an individual experiencing PTSD. It is important for the individual to talk about the event as much as they need to. It is also a good idea for them to begin to write their feelings down on paper. It is also important to allow them to express their anger over the situation. All of this should be done in conjunction with a competent therapist.

The best way to assist someone whom you suspect of having PTSD into therapy is to ask them a question concerning therapy such as, “Have you thought about getting some counseling on that subject?” Talk openly about what they are experiencing without judgment about going for counseling. This will allow them to feel supported by you and may be the best advice they have yet received.

Making a direct statement such as, “You need therapy!” mighty be too confrontational and do neither of you any good. It might lead to an argument, or at best, alienate your friend from any chance of reaching out for professional help.

Effective therapy can help them overcome feelings of loneliness, low self-esteem and depression while helping them move in a positive direction where they feel more confidence in themselves and more control over their life situations. Therapy can also help them move out of being and feeling like a victim in life into a place where they are able to ask for what they want while gaining the respect of those around them.

For more information on trauma and anxiety and to listen to free samples of Dr. Walton's self-help series log onto TheDrWaltonSeries.com. you can also follow his daily tips on Twitter@LAtherapist. For more information on Dr. Walton and to get free audio affirmations for self-empowerment, log onto his website at LAtherapist.com.

Empower Yourself through Assertiveness

2010-03-21T16:00:00.000-07:00

Learning to make assertive responses will reduce the anxiety you may feel in dealing with others. Assertive behavior does not push others around, deny their rights, or injure other people.

A daily record of your assertiveness will help you judge you progress over time and after a few weeks,you will have a lot of information about your progress. Write down those situations you can handle easily and those which are troublesome. Be aware of attitudes, behaviors and obstacles.

ELEMENTS OF ASSERTIVENESS

To promote equality in human relationships
To stand up for yourself
To express feelings honestly and comfortably
To exercise personal rights
To not deny the rights of others

COMPONENTS OF ASSERTIVE BEHAVIOR

Eye contact
Body posture - relative power is emphasized by standing or sitting
Distance/physical contact
Gestures
Facial expression - face should agree with the message
Voice tone
Fluency
Timing
Content - Take responsibility for your feelings, don't blame the other

HELP FOR HANDLING THOUGHTS

Give yourself a positive soothing message before a difficult task.
When bothered by an unwanted thought, shout "STOP" and switch to more pleasant thoughts. Also, X-out the thought and replace it with "I am willing to love and respect myself."
X-out any negative self-attacking thoughts and replace them with the opposite positive thought.

For more information on assertiveness and to listen to free samples of Dr. Walton's self-help series log onto TheDrWaltonSeries.com. you can also follow his daily tips on Twitter@LAtherapist. For more information on Dr. Walton and to get free audio affirmations for self-empowerment, log onto his website at LAtherapist.com.

As A Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I Have Just One Question to Maggie Gallagher, President of The National Organization for Marriage: "What’s It All About Maggie?"

2010-03-11T12:13:00.000-08:00

These words are inscribed in walls of the Jefferson Memorial in Washington, DC. They were spoken by Thomas Jefferson and immortalized in marble because those words are the true intentions of the founding fathers for creating a nation that is both tolerant and flexible. We would do well today to take in and live by what he so eloquently spoke over two hundred years ago. If you click on the photos, they will enlarge so you can read for yourself what he said.
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Emotionally healthy people don’t have an obsessive preoccupation with the sex lives of others. Then again, emotionally healthy people don’t hide their families from public view, unless they are trying to manufacture a deceptive appearance for public consumption. I doubt Ms. Gallagher would pander to such base levels so there must be another reason for the conspicuous absence of her eldest child (the page was removed after this publishing) and husband at, the so called, public family gatherings that function as rallies for banning the recognition of same-sex couples. I would imagine that she regards her followers as up-standing, open minded and accepting individuals, so why the apparent shell game with her family when same-sex couples honestly and openly declare their love for their partners before God, country and the news media?

Another curious issue for someone with the so called traditional values that she claims to promote, is that she doesn’t take on her husband’s last name publicly. Instead, she presents herself to her followers with her maiden name, Maggie Gallagher and not Maggie Srivastav. Srivastav is her married name.

Her agenda calling for the banning of same-sex civil marriage is allowed in a free and open society, but what is the point if she has to create mistruths, conceal personal agendas, and fabricate history to achieve her goal? Also, she has not revealed to the public where she derives her funding.   Her organization, the National Organization for Marriage even defies court orders to reveal who their donors are. The Mormon Church and Catholic bishops could be the leading suspects. Is it possible that they are trying to redefine civil marriage along their own “traditional” theological teachings and impose their will through civil law on all Americans?

Certainly, no one has benefited more than Ms. Gallagher/Sirvastav when it comes to an inclusive civil marriage law. I find it ironic that she, herself, had a child out-of-wedlock and is currently married outside the Christian faith to a Hindu husband. How dare she complain that others are trying to change the definition of marriage. Clearly she has taken maximum advantage of the civil marriage laws afforded her but now advocates passionately to deny that same right to others.

Simply put, the goal for civil equality is quite open and honest about its intention. It’s about attaining civil marriage equality for all people. No hidden agendas, no shell games, and no public deception for mass consumption coming out of a hidden agenda to sell books, or attain fame, or public office and no more victimizing of others. It’s simple goal is to attain civil equality for everyone. An equality that allows all individuals, such as Ms Gallagher/Sirvastav, to stand before the public view without fear of shame or judgment for the individual they love and chose to make a life commitment with through civil marriage.

I was watching her debate marriage issues with Andrew Sullivan on a conservative panel at the invitation of the conservative think tank Cato.com and was struck by a realization: She has no formal education, to my knowledge, on the topic. She graduated Yale University in 1982 where she earned a B.A. in Religious Studies. A B.A. In Religious Studies from Yale is a respectable degree, but it doesn’t qualify her as an authority on interpersonal/marital relationships such as a Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy, or a Masters of Social Work, or a Doctorate in Clinical Psychology would have afforded her. She simply does not hold any degree higher than a Bachelor’s in Religious Studies.

While at Yale, she belonged to the "Party of the Right" in the Yale Political Union. I’m sure that she made many fine contacts with some very influential people during that time. It may have even garnered her favor with the Bush Administration when they paid her ten’s of thousands of dollars from the Department of Health and Human Services in 2002 and 2003 to promote George W. Bush’s marriage initiatives. But when she testified before Congress in favor of those programs, she never disclosed those payments.

Why was that? It was my impression that social conservatism steadfastly stood against such shameful behavior as misleading others, acting as an authority when one is not, and premarital sex. All of which she advocates for in others but apparently fails to follow for herself. Maybe, the times they are a change’n, or maybe it is something else.

Just because she serves as president for the Institute for Marriage and Public Policy does not mean that she is qualified to theorize on or make healthy public policy decisions on the topic of marriage. One may become head of the military of the United States by simply becoming president of the country without ever completing a competent stay of service. As a nation, we all have experienced the fallout from the bad decisions and incompetence that have come out of those situations. Had she completed an education in marriage and family studies or clinical psychology, she may have enriched herself with a more complete understanding of the emotions, lives and loves of all fellow human beings.

Projection is a very insidious thing. We don’t even know that we are doing it when we do it. By its very nature, it is designed to create a wall of denial for ourselves distancing us from acknowledging the very behaviors within ourselves that we so vehemently abhor in others. By attacking it in others, we can buy ourselves some relief from the internal conflict that has us in its grip. The relief is only temporary however. Unless we come to terms with it, we will continue to demonize others in a desperate bid to gain some relief.

I wonder if there was a time in her past when she loved someone very much that she couldn’t have. People tend to do to others that which was done to themselves. Her actions against same sex couples may carry some of that tenor. Her apparent desire to denigrate and dismiss relationships that she considers non-traditional, although she herself is involved in relationships that would be considered non-traditional by her own standards, reeks of resentment. “If I can’t have it, why should you” is a pattern in people who feel a sense of helplessness in unrequited desires. Of course, if this is the case, she has made it an obsession on a national scale affecting the private lives of millions of people.

Affecting millions of people through an individual’s personal self-loathing is nothing new.   Just recently, State Senator Roy Ashburn (R-Calif.) was arrested at 2 AM for drunk driving after being seen leaving a gay nightclub in Sacramento, CA while driving a state owned vehicle accompanied by a male companion. He later divulged that he was in fact gay and hiding the fact from the public, his family and maybe even himself.

To quote CBS13 The CW31

“Ashburn served six years as a state Assemblyman before being elected to the State Senate. According to Project Vote Smart, Ashburn's voting record shows he has voted against every gay rights measure in the State Senate since taking office including Recognizing Out-Of-State Same-Sex Marriages", Harvey Milk Day and Expanding Anti-Discrimination Laws.”

How much more clearly can I make my point? People are simply not interested in the sex lives of others if they have already dealt with their own internal conflicts. Healthy people want others to have healthy lives, and healthy lives include healthy relationships and sex lives that are not up for moral victimization by those who have something to hide from the public or profit from a hidden agenda.

When it comes to the repeal of the Defense of Marriage Act, this short video makes some very compelling and concise statements. NOM Called Out on Deceptive Ad.

If you would like some excellent talking points for dealing with this bigotry please check out Dr. John Corvino's short video. You can also check out the spiritual perspective on this topic by Father Geoff Farrow at www.FatherGeoff.com.

So... What’s it all about Maggie?

For more information on James E. Walton, Ph.D. log onto his website at www.LAtherapist.com. For information on his self-help series, log onto www.TheDrWaltonSeries.com.

Recovering from Grief and Moving Forward in Your Life

2009-12-28T11:48:00.000-08:00

Grief arises as a rumbling deep from within our soul as we take in the experience of loss. Without it, our soul is numb, for grief deepens and expands our experience in life as we are changed through the meaning we give it. It softens the hardened heart bringing forth a greater understanding and empathy for others.

By allowing grief to soften the heart, it is no longer entrapped by irrational demand to control and impossible outcome, but is freed to form a new sense of compassion and empowerment. We are awakened to a new perspective our our wold that we would not have had without the experience of grief.

That we love implies that well will grieve. There are times that only through the depth of our grief are we able to truly see the depth of our love. To understand love, one must also understand grief.

Grief: an encasement of sorrow surrounding us like a tight fitting blanket; black, encasing us in endless pain and sadness. We lose sight of our direction and lose touch with our souls. Hidden behind the darkness of our emotions a dark veil of disconnection descends between us and the inner light of our being. Within the shadow of grief we cook and grow, fostering a reemergence as a seed protected within its cocoon like shell. Hard and alienated, life continues to well within. Awaiting the moment of life giving water allowing it to break its shell and come forth into the world anew and vibrant.

We are not alone in the world with our grief. Everyone on the planet experiences grief at some point in their lives. Because we love, we form attachments with others and we experience grief when those attachments are broken. If we had formed a bond, then we will experience grief if it is broken.

Grief is an essential process for healing from a loss. Experiencing grief is unavoidable if we are to heal. Grief is the process that allows us to take in the reality of the loss unchaining us from the past and allowing us to move forward in our own life.

We may not want to accept what has occurred. We may become angry about it; and in that process, we connect with feelings that reveal to us the depths of our love for that individual.

As our loss sinks deeper, hopelessness, deep sadness and depression reveal themselves to us. We shut down and go quiet allowing the healing to begin on the inside. We are now acknowledging our loss and in the process we are slowed by depression eventually allowing us to come to acceptance over the loss that has occurred. It is a slow cooking process, not to be hurried. It is a sign that we are healing.

As we come to acceptance, we release our demand on a different outcome. Acceptance doe3s not mean that we like the outcome, but we stop fighting our loss and that gives us permission to move forward and join life again.

With the dawn or our acceptance, we reach out to others. We reaffirm our current relationships and we engage in forming new ones. We once again address our own needs.

Find those things that you enjoy, allow yourself to take a rest from your emotions without placing judgment on yourself.

Dr. Walton's latest album, Healing from Grief and Finding Peace in Your Life, was just released. Check it out on iTunes, Amazon.com, and CDbaby for free samples. For more information on Dr. James E. Walton you may log onto his website at LAtherapist.com There you will find free affirmation downloads, videos, self-help CDs and helpful topical pages for you to explore.

Grief Recovery: Coming to Acceptance

2009-12-15T22:59:00.000-08:00

Grief is something we will all experience in our lives.
Because we live, form attachments and love, we experience grief when these attachments and bonds are broken.

It makes little difference how the bond was broken. If we had formed a bond, then we will experience grief if it is broken.

Our experience of grief is an essential process for healing from a loss. Experiencing grief is unavoidable if we are to heal.

Everyone experiences grief in their own time and manner. Through the processes of grief, we both cry and laugh as we remember the individual. It is a process of integrating the reality of the loss into our lives in a way that allows us to move forward in our own life.

During the first part of the grief, we may not want to accept the reality of what has just occurred. It seems unreal, unfathomable.

We then may enter a place where we feel angry with the other person for leaving us and we feel abandoned or victimized. Under that anger is our pain. It’s another indication of how deeply we loved that person. This is good, because we are getting in touch with our feelings and it shows us that we did love that person and we’re angry at their loss.

We may then try to make deals with God or ourselves to bring them back, for instance, “I promise to go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life if you just bring him back.”

As the reality of the loss sinks deeper into our consciousness, we may experience a feeling of hopelessness, deep sadness and depression. This is the phase most commonly recognized in the grief process.

This phase allows us to shut down and go quiet so that we may heal on the inside. We’re finally acknowledging the loss but we’re physically and mentally slowed down by the depression. This slowing down process, brought about by the depression, allows us to gradually come to the acceptance of what has actually occurred. This is a very important part of healing from the loss and should not be rushed or avoided. Ultimately, it’s a sign that you’re healing.

At times, it can feel as if we’re going through all of these phases at once and other times, it can feel as if we’re jumping around from one to the other in no particular order.

Finally, at some point, we experience a sense of acceptance for the loss. Acceptance doesn’t mean that we like it, but we stop fighting our loss, and that gives us permission to move forward and live. When we come to acceptance, we once again begin to listen to, and take care of, our own needs. We reach out to others, we reaffirm old relationships and we engage in new ones.

In the meantime, find those things that you enjoy doing, that give you a sense of rest from your emotions, and do those things without casting judgment on yourself.

Dr. Walton's latest album, Healing from Grief and Finding Peace in Your Life, was just released. Check it out on iTunes, Amazon.com, CDbaby for free samples and other online outlets. For more information on Dr. James E. Walton you may log onto his website at LAtherapist.com There you will find free affirmation downloads, videos, self-help CDs and helpful topical pages for you to explore.

Near-Death Experiences: The After Life

2009-12-05T14:58:00.000-08:00

The focus of my dissertation research was on near-death experiences as a rite of passage toward spiritual maturity. It is available for your enjoyment through the link at the bottom of this post.

Having an awareness that there are things out there in life hidden from our view creates for me a mystery. Mysteries bring a sense of awe. Experiencing the awe of a mystery can have a greater impact upon our psyche than the actual revelation of the mystery.

Returning with the mystery that their lives continued after their deaths, the near-death experiencers in this study gained a renewed awe and appreciation for life. They reported a change in their attitudes toward life that they attributed directly to the NDE. They claimed that where they were once selfish or fearful in life, they were now giving and fearless. They spoke of returning with a renewed sense of love, respect and wonderment for nature. Their motivation for doing right action was no longer based on fear.

By sharing their stories with us, they have brought the gift of mystery into our own lives. As in Pandora’s box, these pioneers have brought back with them the gift of hope in a world wracked by insanity.

There is no greater gift than the gift of hope. For in our hope, we meet our innocence. In our innocence, we hold no malice. By holding no malice, we are open to the processes of life and by opening to life, we hold eternity in our hands.

Near-Death Experiences: The Research

Emotional Weight Loss from Sadness

2009-11-24T22:54:00.000-08:00

I was recently interview on a network news show about a reality star's weight issue. She had recently lost a tremendous amount of weight over a short period and I was asked to comment on the mental health surrounding such weight loss and it’s influence on the public, especially young girls.

She appears to have lost between 20 and 30 pounds, by my estimation, over a three month period. According to the reporter, she stated that she lost the weight from sadness. I stated that it’s not healthy to lose that much weight that fast especially if she is not doing it through a well managed diet. When you are purposefully trying to lose weight, losing one to two pounds a week is safe.

Losing weight in a healthy manner includes exercise and eating healthy foods and supplementing with vitamins to replace the vitamins you are not getting from a restricted diet. If she lost all that weight from not eating because she was unhappy, then she was not taking care of her body. She was probably not eating the healthiest foods nor taking vitamins nor exercising if she was not taking care of her body. That alone is unhealthy way to lose weight.

Aerobic exercise is very important to maintaining good health and it also helps to lift us out of depression. Her unhappiness combined with weight loss sounded more like a possible depression. When we are depressed, we can stop eating because nothing feels pleasurable to us anymore.

Instead of seeking pleasure, depressed people sometimes turn inward and isolate away from pleasurable opportunities. People suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder can also lose weight as a symptom of the disorder. Often, we can’t lift ourselves out of a major depression or PTSD by ourselves. At those times, we may want to seek out a therapist to help us through those times.

I have a sense that she is not really setting a bad example for girls in this particular case. If she were touting her sudden weight loss as a sexy desirable thing to do, then yes she would be doing young girls a disservice. I’m not so sure that this is what she is doing. This seems to be something episodic for her and that she’ll probably go back to her more natural weight when she has resolved the issues in her life that are triggering this weight loss.

At least she was aware of the connection between the sadness and the weight loss. Undesired weight loss is a sign that something is wrong emotionally and that something needs to be addressed. She has an opportunity serve as a wonderful example to young girls as someone who listens to her body and her feelings and takes action to take care of and respect it when it speaks. We all go through phases of sadness, fear, loneliness and depression. That’s normal.

By honoring those emotions with patience, respect and self-love, we are able hear the quiet whispers of what those feelings are trying to tell us about ourselves. Her body may be trying to get her emotional attention. She may want to listen to what it is trying to tell her. My guess is that her body is asking for more love and acceptance of herself. In order to do this, that love must be found from within and not from the outside.

Always consult your physician should you experience sudden or unexpected weight loss. It could indicate a serious medical condition that needs attention.

For more information on Dr. James E. Walton you may log onto his website at LAtherapist.com There you will find free affirmation downloads, videos, self-help CDs and helpful topical pages for you to explore.

Introduction to Dreams - A Window to Our Souls

2009-11-22T12:39:00.000-08:00

Each morning most of us awaken with a vague awareness of having been somewhere else. Holding onto bits and pieces of images from a dream state, we often dismiss them as flights of fancy from a creative mind. We then go about our day without giving them a second thought. Often, these wisps of visual imagination are forgotten within moments of arising from our beds.

We might wonder if they do hold any valuable information for us. Certainly, throughout history many cultures from around the world have held those nightly visions sacrosanct. But do they hold anything for us in this modern world today? Dreams, what are they? where do they come from? do they hold any value for us? and how can we work with them? are some of the topics I’ll be exploring over the next few months on this blog.

During each night of sleep, we experience an average of four or five cycles of dreaming. Dreaming is an essential part of maintaining good mental health. If we are denied the dream experience, such as being awakened before the dream cycle begins, we tend to awaken exhausted as though we didn’t receive any sleep. If this were to continue for several days, we would begin to experience dreams in our waking state known as hallucinations. Although science cannot say for sure the exact purpose of our dreams, it does acknowledge that dreaming is an essential part of good mental health. Respecting, listening and understanding our dreams can only enhance our experience in the waking world.

Some people view dreams as an expression of our projective selves. That is the part of ourselves that we deny or that is unexpressed during our waking state. Others view dreams as unexpressed wishes and desires of the dreamer. Some people believe that dreams are “alive.” That they have lives and bodies of their own. That they are not mere projections of the dreamer and that the dreamer is not the center of the dream. Still, others view dreams as divination of the future and others view dreams as the voice of nature and/or the collective unconscious.

I personally believe that all of these and more hold validity and should not be dismissed off hand in a desperate bid to confine something as elusive as a dream to a ridged rule. To distill the meaning of dreams to a simple constrictive definition cuts off our full relationship to this profound and dynamic world.

If a picture is worth 1,000 words, then a dream is worth even more. When we reduce a description of a painting to words, we lose something of its essence. Words, as very important as they are, still require a reducing or containing of an image in order for it to be conveyed verbally to another. In the process, we lose something. Have you ever tried to tell a friend of a situation that you experienced, only finding yourself defaulting to, “You just had to be there” out of frustration because words “failed” you in expressing the essence of what you were trying to say? Words are very limiting by their nature.

When we try to define a dream through words, we are doing the very same thing. We are distilling it down to what we think is important and eliminating other essences. What we end up with is more like bleached white bread than the stone oven baked seven grain whole crackling wheat bread we started out with. It’s obviously lost a lot of its substance.

Drawing from the inspiration of Dr. Stephen Aizenstat at Pacifica Graduate Institute of Psychology, we can do something about this. First, approach the dream without words if you can do this. Listen to the dream present itself. Do not try to associate the dream with other events that are going on in your life. Do not talk about how you feel about the dream. At this point, this can be very limiting and stop your creative understanding process. Just listen to the dream as it is presented. Later, you can talk about your feelings and associations. For now, just be with the dream in a very still state.

There will be many more writings on dreams. This is a first installment as an introduction. For more information on Dr. James E. Walton you may log onto his website at LAtherapist.com There you will find free affirmation downloads, videos, self-Help CDs and helpful topical pages for you to explore.

The Relationship and Career Profiler - What's Yours?

2009-11-20T22:00:00.000-08:00

Try scoring yourself on the "The Relationship/Career Profile" and see if your personality matches your career.

Knowing your relaxation personality profile can be helpful in understanding yourself, choosing a career and knowing what methods of communication you might respond best to. Rate how closely you agree with the statements below and add up the total your score then match it with your personality chart at the bottom.

Scoring by Points:
Never – 1
Sometimes – 2
Half the Time – 3
Most of the Time – 4
Always – 5

Questions:

1. How often do you initiate sex?
2. How often are you the first to apologize?
3. Do you enjoy makeup sex?
4. Do you enjoy sex with the lights on?
5. Are you comfortable with a hug from a stranger?
6. Do you enjoy traveling to new places and meeting new people?
7. Do you enjoy public displays of expression and affection?
8. Do you require others to go with you to the movies?
9. Do you easily express your emotions and feelings toward others?
10. Do you enjoy spending money on yourself?
11. Does your handwriting slant to the right?
12. The perfect evening for me is leaving home and meeting new people...
13. How important is the label of your clothing?
14. How important is it that others like you?
15. How often are your hands warm?
16. I enjoy being busy...
17. I enjoy working with my hands...
18. For me, form over function is important...
19. I don’t sweat the details...
20. How easy is it for you to overlook the flaws in others?

If your personality score is...
20 – 35 You're the Introvert
36 – 51 You're the Inquisitor
52 – 68 You're the Trouble Shooter
69 – 84 You're the Trailblazer
85 – 100 You're the Performer

Click here to find out the meaning of your personality score.

Coping with Holiday Stress & Blues

2009-11-15T15:02:00.000-08:00

The holidays are approaching and it can be an exciting time. People are busy making plans to visit with loved ones, attend parties, throw dinners and travel long distances. The holidays are presented by the media as a magical time of fun and celebration. They are presented as a time of renewed connection with family members, partners and loves. We are fed images of shining happy faces who are meeting, greeting and exchanging gifts in front of a backdrop of abundance and welcoming arms. I say, “Sign me up!”

However, the reality we experience can be quite different. Generally, we are facing financial strains, time pressures and unresolved family issues as a result of the holiday season. I'm not saying this to take away of the magic we might experience during this time, however, these are real experiences that people face during the holidays. We tend to place so much pressure on ourselves to have a good time, that we end up having a miserable time from all the pressure we place on ourselves.

First, try to maintain a realistic perspective on what you are able and not able to do during the holiday season. Many times, people feel that they have to attend every invite they receive and this can become overwhelmingly stressful. Become clear on what you are willing and not willing to do. Pare down your commitments to what feels reasonable to you and what you are comfortably able to do. You may have to graciously decline some of the invites to keep your sanity and reduce your stress level. Prioritize what events and social gatherings are important to you and just do those. You don’t have to do everything that comes your way. After all, it’s not reasonable to stop your normal day to day schedule or cram it full just because it’s the holidays.

The holidays is a time when we gather with family. Many times, those families have lots of unresolved issues that can explode during the holidays. The reason is that the physical distance we have had from those members throughout the year has played a modifying effect on our reactiveness to them. Now, the holidays are here and we are forced to be together. Given the demand on our emotions and the other stresses around the holidays, we do not have the same emotional resources at our disposal that maintains our composure when under stress. We may find that we explode at family members with very little provocation.

To help get a better handle on the situation, do not force yourself to spend much time with people who irritate you. Be realistic. Your problems with a particular relative are not going to magically disappear because it’s the holidays. Reduce your exposure or avoid that person if you can. The holidays are not the time to work out your differences. There are too many other demands on your shoulders at this time. Should you choose to work out your issues with that individual, do it at a different, less stressful time.

Another good coping stratigy is to take many short breaks from family gatherings. Go out for a short walk or talk to a friend on the phone. Taking frequent breaks can help break feelings of rising tension and reduce stress enough to allow you to reenter the situation with your family with greater composure.

If you are under financial stress, cut back on the gift giving. Buying expensive gifts is very stressful if you don’t have the means and you will be paying off that gift into the next year causing you even more stress. The idea of giving a gift is about showing a gesture of love and thought. It is not about competing for attention or buying off someone. Small gifts can have a greater impact than large expensive gifts if you put some thought into the gift.

Putting thought into the gift means give some consideration into what kind of gift the recipient would appreciate that conveys to them that you understand their interests, likes and/or who they are as people. It’s a way of showing them you appreciate them and know something about them. When you give a gift that shows the other that you understand something about them, it is truly loved and appreciated.

The holidays can also be a time of great depression. The number of individuals suffering from depression tends to rise during this time. With society at large throwing warm welcoming families, abundance, and romantic love into the faces of those who may not have those things, it can be quite an upsetting experience. Who really wants to be reminded day in and day out on such a large scale that they lack any or all of those things. It can make us feel lonely, helpless and hopeless.

If you find yourself in that situation, you need to take stock of your expectations and make sure they're realistic. Don't expect more of yourself this time of year than you would at any other time. Take a break from holiday music and television specials if you find that they're turning you into "Scrooge."

Most people dread the holidays because their inner experience is so different from what is being hyped. You should trust your own instincts and don't try to be what you're not. Keep up your normal routine and know that this day will pass too.

If, however, you are unable to shake what you think are "holiday blues" your feelings may not be about the holidays, but about other things in your life. If you need help in sorting out or dealing with this issue, seek out a licensed therapist with the training to help you do so.

To help you cope over the holiday season, you may want to check out Dr. Walton’s free audio affirmations. To watch Dr. Walton’s videos on overcoming depression you may log onto his YouTube.com site listed at LAtherapist. To assist you in stress relief or anger management over the holidays you may check out his albums on Amazon.com and iTunes. For more information on Dr. Walton you may log onto his website at LAtherapist.com.

Wedding Night Sex and Beyond

2009-11-12T00:23:00.000-08:00

There is a growing trend in America for couples to separate the night before the wedding. Your decision to do that is up to you and the requirements of your religious beliefs. However, a wedding is a rite of passage and most rites of passage call for an experience of separateness for the initiate. That separation can be utilized as a gift allowing us to honor our singleness that one last time before we let go of it forever.

In my opinion, the release of our singleness needs to be honored. It adds to the magic of the ceremony to be apart the night before. You go to bed alone the night before the wedding and mark the end of your existence as single. The next day on your wedding, you see beloved at the alter for the first time marking the beginning of your new life as a couple. That is to be honored.

There are some couples who put off sex until the wedding night. Those circumstances can really put the pressure on. If this is your situation and you find yourself exhausted on your wedding night, put sex off and structure a time of relaxation and rest instead. Wait until you have the time and are not rushed to catch a plane or even worse, staying in someone else’s house and feeling self conscious. Structure a time when you are able to be alone, relaxed and calm for the exploration of each other’s bodies. Take time with each other and above all else, lower you expectations.

Often, engaged couples do not look beyond the wedding day. The excitement of planning the event is overwhelming. There are so many things to plan and prepare for that all their energy is focused on one point: the wedding. The last thing that people expect to feel after their wedding is depression. Well, the post-wedding blues are not uncommon. Both men and women experience this phenomenon. It is much like the letdown we feel the day after a major holiday such as Thanksgiving or Christmas.

As a couple, you are moving at full steam ahead toward the wedding and after it is accomplished, you will probably experience a momentary pause. The glamor of the experience is now gone and you might feel a sense of disappointment. This is completely natural. You have both gone through a rite of passage where something was lost, your singleness, and something was born, you identity as a couple.

For more information on Dr. Walton’s self-help for weddings, log onto TheDrWaltonSeries.com. To watch Dr. Walton’s video on the History of Marriage log onto YouTube.com. For more information on Dr. Walton, and to obtain free audio affirmations log onto his website at LAtherapist.com.

What Is Hypnosis?

2009-11-08T11:47:00.000-08:00

Hypnosis can change unwanted habits. It can change lack of motivation into a powerful desire for change and it can change your life if used correctly.

Hypnosis is a natural state that we all go in and out of every day. For the purposes of hypnosis, we can say that our minds are divided into two sections: the conscious and unconscious. In the conscious mind, we use logic, reasoning and will power. In the unconscious, we form associations and responses; it is the part of the mind that holds the imagination. It does not know the difference between fact and fantasy. The unconscious makes up 88% of our thought power; the conscious makes up only 12%. In hypnosis, we harness that 88% to our advantage because that 88% is much stronger than the 12%.

Through hypnosis, we distract the conscious part of the mind from blocking the messages we want to place in the unconscious. The distraction of our conscious mind causes us to become highly suggestible to ideas.

An example of this takes place when we are driving. Can you remember how difficult it was, learning to drive a car? The first few times you did it, you had to remember a lot. The first time you drove on a highway, you had to remain alert and probably drove slowly and cautiously. Now, you just get into the car and drive without thinking. Sometimes you might actually find yourself passing by your exit, or wondering how you arrived at your destination, you did not remember getting there. You may have found yourself getting into your car on a Saturday intending to go to the store only to find yourself driving halfway to work before you realized what you were doing.

These are all cases of driving your car while you are under a state of hypnosis. It is actually a very safe state to be driving in. While we are driving under hypnosis, we are using our unconscious mind, which already knows how to drive a car. If we did not use the unconscious part of our mind when we drove, we would have to learn how to drive each time we got into the car. This would not be a safe thing to do.

The unconscious knows how to drive the car. It enables us to do all of the maneuvers that are automatic for driving. What we need to remain conscious of, is where we are going. That is why we end up going to work on a Saturday when we intend to go to the store. We simply go into hypnosis as soon as we get into the car and drive without thinking. For some of us, the steering wheel becomes the trigger that sends us into instant hypnosis. As we place our hands on the wheel, our unconscious takes over and we begin to drive.

We instinctively know what to do. That is because all of the associations with the trigger are lodged deep in our unconscious and we respond to that.

Clinical hypnosis in a therapist’s office is something very similar. With hypnosis for relaxation, you place a trigger in your unconscious mind that will allow you to feel peace and safety instantly anywhere you are. With it, you can convert any stressful feelings of anxiety into healthy feelings of empowering excitement. You place this trigger there yourself and you have access to it at anytime.

Through hypnosis you are using the most powerful part of your mind, the unconscious, to reduce your feelings of anxiety through the creation of images. This association is similar to the association you might now have with a steering wheel and automatically driving. Your unconscious will experience these images as real since it can not distinguish the difference between reality and fantasy.

Through hypnosis you can change many different types of behavior simply by reprogramming your unconscious mind. You can find greater peace in your life, fall asleep at night more quickly, reduce tension and anxiety, stop smoking, lose weight, get motivated for exercise, improve test taking and memory, overcome many different types of fears, resolve grief, and heal old wounds from breakups and negative experiences.

For more information on Dr. Walton’s self-help hypnosis audios, log onto www.TheDrWaltonSeries.com. For more information on Dr. Walton, and to obtain free audio affirmations log onto his website at LAtherapist.com.

The Wedding Night, both Straight and Gay

2009-11-06T15:46:00.000-08:00

This writing applies to both straight and gay couples who chose to get married. Studies from UCLA's Williams Group show that these two groups are nearly identical.

On the wedding night, many newly weds place tremendous pressure upon themselves to perform sexually and we all know that pressure to perform can inhibit the performance and enjoyment of the sexual experience. If you talk to others, you will find that they were so tired that first night after the wedding from all the anxieties, hubbub, and preparations that had to be handled leading up to the wedding that they were too tire to make love that night, and just fell asleep. They just put it off until the next morning when they were rested and not pressured.

And certainly, if the man has difficulty achieving an erection that night, it is understandable. Stress and anxiety make it difficult for men to achieve and maintain erections and it has nothing to do with their desire for their partner. If your partner has difficulty achieving an erection on the wedding night, cuddle and put off sex until there is less pressure and he is rested and there is time for intimacy.

Remember, you are looking at a long term relationship. An orgasm is not the goal. The real goal is a marriage of closeness and intimacy. Don’t make an orgasm the goal. It’s too pressured. Remember, you are both going to be exhausted. You have been performing for weeks since the announcement. Do yourself a favor. Drop your performance on the wedding night. Experience the high of lying in each other’s arms and just being. There will be plenty of time for sex in the future. Be real with each other and begin building a relationship together based on love and acceptance.

Some people pressure themselves to have the best sex ever on their wedding night. It won’t be, so drop that expectation. You will be exhausted and there is a good chance you have had some alcohol. It is an unrealistic demand to place on yourself. Intimate wonderful sex develops over time and it builds as your spiritual, emotional and physical selves grow together.

It is not uncommon for one or the other to fall asleep as soon as they hit the bed on the wedding night. If this happens to you, take a deep breath, and remember that you love them. Remember the good times you have had together. Put a cover on them and lay a rose by the pillow and give them a kiss goodnight. Show them how much you love them when they awaken in the morning after the long deserved rest that you are both entitled to. It is a great metaphor for what marriage is like. You have to compromise. You don’t always get what you want, but through it all, you still love each other.

Now, before you fire off an angry email at me I want to clarify that this, in no way, should be interpreted as a suggestion that one should kowtow to the other. However, it is important for the health of the relationship that you both take care of each other. So at times, one of you may need to put aside personal desires for the good of the relationship. This give and take must go in both directions and not end up where one person is always being the accommodator to the other.

For more information on Dr. Walton’s self-help for marriage, log onto TheDrWaltonSeries.com. You can also follow his tips of the day on Twitter@LAtherapist. To watch the video of Dr. Walton’s History of Marriage log onto YouTube.com. For more information on Dr. Walton, and to obtain free audio affirmations log onto his website at LAtherapist.com.

Wedding Night Jitters and Other Common Wedding Anxieties

2009-11-03T11:50:00.000-08:00

Let’s take a look at some of the sticky issues that are likely to appear around your wedding and how to handle them.

The first topic we will look at is commonly known as the wedding night jitters.

In today’s age, people are more sexually active in their relationships than they were in the past. It is highly likely that you have been having regular sex with your fiancé long before the wedding night. The biggest fear for the wedding night will probably not be about sex. More than likely, the biggest fear is going to be “is he or she really the right one for me?” “Have I dated him/her long enough?” “Do I really know this individual?” After all, you are about to do something that can’t be taken back, not even through divorce. If this happens, and nearly every engaged couple has experienced it, reflect back on the good times you have had together and remember why you love him. These jitters will pass.

Now, some other common anxieties you might encounter on your wedding night could involve hotel reservation mix-ups, canceled flights, and other unpleasant surprises that seem to fling themselves upon us at crucial moments. To survive this part, be flexible. View any glitches that come along as wedding survival stories to be told in the future. As they mellow with time, they may be seen as gifts to be treasured by you as you tell them over and over again. Every married couple has experience wedding survival stories, just ask them.

For more information on Dr. Walton’s self-help for weddings, log onto TheDrWaltonSeries.com. You can also follow his tips of the day on Twitter@LAtherapist. For more information on Dr. Walton, and to obtain free audio affirmations log onto his website at LAtherapist.com.
Press Release Catch Dr. Walton talking about the History of Marriage on YouTube.

You Can Reset Your Sleep Cycle from Early Morning Waking to Jet Lag

2009-10-28T15:08:00.000-07:00

Just as difficulty falling and staying asleep can indicate anxiety, a sudden change in your sleep pattern where you would normally sleep until 6 or 7 am, you now find yourself wide awake at 4 am, can indicate a possible underlying depression. If this happens to you, consult with your physician and relate your symptoms. Counseling, and sometimes, anti-depressants can greatly help relieve the symptoms.

There are actually times when less sleep is beneficial to an individual is suffering from depression. They can take advantage of the early morning waking and get out of bed and go for a walk or get active in some other way. However, when dealing with depression, always consult with a licensed mental health professional.

Jet lag is another culprit when it comes to sleep disruptions. When traveling through different time zones, it can take up to two weeks to adjust to the local time. One of the best ways to aid in resetting your sleep pattern is to get out of bed at your usual time no matter how much sleep you have had. You will find that within a short period, you will begin to get sleepy at your usual time. You may not feel very rested the first few nights, but over a brief period of time your body’s internal clock will reset itself. Some people have found the addition of melatonin to be helpful when to resetting their internal clocks. Melatonin can be found at your local health food store. Inquire at the store about its use.

For more information on Dr. Walton’s self-help for sleep, log onto TheDrWaltonSeries.com. You can also follow his tips of the day on Twitter@LAtherapist. For more information on Dr. Walton, and to obtain free audio affirmations log onto his website at LAtherapist.com. Press Release

How to Release Anger and Calm Yourself Down… It’s Easier Then Your Think!

2009-10-24T14:21:00.000-07:00

There are several ways to calm yourself down from anger.

1. You could do the hypnosis session on the Dr. Walton Anger Management Album.

2. You could do several minutes of the controlled deep breathing. You will find that on the album as well.

3. You could take a personal time out by walking away from the angering situation.

4. You could do a progressive muscle relaxation starting with relaxing your toes and moving up to the top of your head.

Another way to purge yourself of angry feelings is to do the opposite of your impulse. Do something nice for that person. Just the act of doing something nice is enough to release anger’s stranglehold. It also builds intimacy and a greater sense of trust with the ones you love. Never miss an opportunity to build trust and intimacy. You can do it even when you are angry.

Now, this brings us to the final point. That point is that no one else is responsible for your angry actions. All behavior that we engage in, including anger, first passes as a thought. We think our way into anger. We can also think our way out of it.

You alone make yourself angry and you alone control your own behavior. No one else is responsible for your anger but you. You have the power over your choices and actions and therefore you have the power over your anger.

Acting out our anger through yelling, slamming and hitting can have an adverse effect on your health. Angry behavior is very destructive to our important relationships. And, angry behavior can get us in trouble with the law.

When a couple continually acts out their anger on one another, their love begins to die. Instead of arguing, discuss the pros and cons of something. Negotiate for what you want, but don’t argue. It always takes two to argue. You can stop an argument by not engaging.

Instead of arguing, set a time in the future to discuss the issue when you have both calmed down. When you come back together, discuss the issue in a calm manner and be accepting of each other’s feelings, including the anger.

The spontaneous expression of anger is destructive. Express your angry feelings later when they are not so strong and the risk of impulsive behavior is reduced. Express yourself in a controlled and contained way. Reduce the demand that things must go your way. Then, acknowledge the other emotions that are behind the anger. You can actually use the situation as an opportunity to build a deeper sense of intimacy with your partner rather than using the acting out of anger to build greater distance.

Remember, no one else is responsible for your actions but for you. No one can make you think or feel anything and only you make yourself angry.

For more information on Dr. Walton’s anger self-help, log onto TheDrWaltonSeries.com. You can also follow his tips of the day on Twitter@LAtherapist. For more information on Dr. Walton, and to obtain free sample audio affirmations log onto his website at LAtherapist.com. Press Release

What to Do If You Are with Someone Who Is Angry

2009-10-19T23:52:00.000-07:00

When you are feeling very angry, it is not the time to talk about your emotions. If you are standing when you are feeling angry, sit down, take several deep breaths inhaling through your nose and exhaling through your mouth. Try counting backwards from twenty and get some distance between feelings and actions. When we are feeling angry and standing, we have an inner drive to approach and this could lead to a physical encounter. Go off, and cool down. However, let the other person know that you will be back. It shows that you have respect for the other person and that will count for a lot when you come back together to discuss the issue.

If you are with someone whose anger is escalating you can help the situation by telling them to “stop” and “calm down.” Get them to sit down if they are standing. If the other person is already out of control with their anger, just get out of their way and physically leave the situation. Do not engage them if they have a potential weapon in their hand.

Do not try to talk with each other about feelings when one person is very angry. This can lead to tracking. Tracking is when one person follows the other around and continues with the verbal attack. Tracking can lead to physical violence when the person being followed feels there’s no escape. We track because we have a fear of being abandoned. Do not track another person. Just allow them to go off and cool down.

Anger always has another emotion behind it. Often our anger is a front for fear, pain, hurt, shame or guilt or any combination of those. When angry, sit down quietly and ask yourself, “What is behind my anger?” What am I afraid of, what am I hurt by? What am I ashamed of? What is my guilt? Doing this can help you gain insight into your anger and allow you to deal with it more appropriately.

If you are yelling and hitting things or acting out of control in any other way, you are not expressing your feelings clearly. When we act out our feelings in place of verbalizing them in plain English, others interpret our actions from their own personal past experiences. For instance, if I tell you in a calm and controlled manner that I felt angry over your being late for dinner, I am clearly expressing my feelings in plain language that leaves little room for misinterpretation. However, if I begin to jump up and down and start yelling and hitting things because I am angry at your being late, you will become defensive and begin to shut down to what I am trying to say. You will move away emotionally. You will not be able to clearly understand my message because you are too busy trying to protect yourself.

We interpret actions from our reservoir of past experiences. By acting out anger through actions instead of clearly verbalizing it through words, our listeners are left to interpret our actions in their own way. We then have no control of their interpretation. It is like playing a dangerous game of charades.

When we act out our anger, we are in danger of feeding upon its energy and expanding it. Contrary to popular belief, acting out anger whether shouting or hitting something does not release us from anger. It actually amps up our angry feelings. Instead, it is better to do something that will calm us down.

It is important to quiet ourselves in the midst of our anger. When we are angry, we fill our heads with angry words and leave no space for listening to our inner voice. This is the reason why we are so off center when we are angry. We have no connection with our internal wisdom at those times.

For more information on Dr. Walton’s anger self-help, log onto www.TheDrWaltonSeries.com. You can also follow his tips of the day on Twitter@LAtherapist. For more information on Dr. Walton, and to obtain free sample audio affirmations log onto his website at LAtherapist.com. Press Release